• Published 19th Aug 2015
  • 2,196 Views, 31 Comments

Teaching Lies - Caffeinated Pinkie



I was just a regular girl. A stable job, good friends, and a prestigious education. I had my whole future planned out, except for the part where I turned into a fuchsia pony.

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I'm a... Teacher?

And so I stumbled towards the front door with a half-baked idea that was currently forming in my head. I clumsily fumbled around with my hooves as I tried to turn the door knob.

"Why the hell are there knobs on doors for horses?" I grumbled to myself as my pathetic attempts to coerce the door into opening failed. Eventually I just slumped to the floor in defeat as the outside world remained out of reach. The decorated slab of wood covering the exit laughed at my uselessness.

"How dare you?! I'm not useless... You bitch," I shot back at the inanimate door. Ultimately, I only had one option left. Which I really didn't want to do. "Well, shit." With a sigh, I stretched my obscenely long neck to the door. I carefully placed my teeth down on the knob and slowly clamped dow-

"This is ridiculous," I said as I quickly turned the knob and opened the door. "Now to find the school."

--[Twenty Minutes of Stumbling Around Later]--

My teeth grit together as the seconds ticked away. It had been twenty minutes and I still couldn't find that damned school. By this time I generally had the hang of trotting around and not falling on my face every ten seconds. Unfortunately, this didn't include walking past rocks without tripping as the newly accumulated dirt in my mouth indicated. Before I could pull myself back up, a grey hoof extended itself into my vision.

"Hey, Cheerilee! Welcome to Ponyville, I'm your neighbor!" An energetic voice belonging presumably to the owner of the hoof said. I tentatively wrapped my leg around the hoof and allowed her to lift me up. When I finally got a look at my savior, though, I did a double take. Staring me in the face... somewhat was a wall-eyed mare with unruly blond hair, thick grey wings, and a tattoo of bubbles on her ass. What a strange but surprisingly common place for a tattoo. I had seen countless of similar creatures just going about their day, but this would be the first time I talked to one. A very important chance to learn more about my new species.

"Cheerilee?" I resisted the urge to smack myself in the face. What a stupid question.

The mare widened both of her eyes and quickly blushed in what I presumed to be embarrassment. "Is your name not Cheerilee? Oh, I really hope I didn't read your name wrong." She pulled out a slip of paper and read it out loud, "This is you from the past, Derpy. Make sure to give Cheerilee a greeting and a Welcome to Ponyville muffin basket..." The grey being before me seemed to think for a moment before suddenly becoming ecstatic.

"I just remembered to give you your Welcome to Ponyville muffin basket!" With a smile she handed- or hooved over a basket of muffins that she got out of seemingly nowhere. Seriously, where did she store this thing?! I tentatively reached out a cerise hoof and grabbed the present.

"So, uh, where is the school?" I cringed internally, hoping that wasn't super obvious.

But Derpy didn't seem to care as she pointed over two the left at a painfully stereotypical school building that I could swear wasn't there a second ago. With a quick goodbye, she took off with her tiny wings and flew off into the metaphorical sunset. I pulled out a bite-size muffin and plopped it into my mouth, taking in the surprisingly delicious taste for horse-muffins.

-[A Brisk Stumble to the School Later]--

"Well, I'm here, but I have no fucking idea where to go or what to teach," I stated as I stared at the painfully 'pretty' schoolhouse. Why the builders decided to throw hearts everywhere and expect it to look good eludes me. Or why they have horseshoes all over the place when not a single horse I've seen actual wears one... Well here goes nothing. With purpose in my stride, I advanced towards the surprisingly normal wooden door leading to my new job.

Luckily, I had confidence. I knew I could overtake everything. No matter what this school threw at me, I could handle it! I sped up as my vigor was renewed and threw open the door. I paused for a second and stared at my hoof. But I still managed to continue my gate into the room with dignity and gra-

THUD! "Shit," I muttered into the floor as I tripped over the doorstop. When I heard snickering, I raised up my front appendage to give the dickwad the universal fuck-off. But of course the ghost feeling of flipping someone off couldn't replace the satisfying of feeling of putting jerks in their rightful place. I miss fingers...

With a sigh, I yanked tired body off the ground and gave the students in the class a weary look. Great, kids. I instantly knew this was way out of my league.

"Hello, uh, foals?" When my new students refused to listen, I knew some drastic measures had to be taken. "ONE MILLION YEARS, DUNGEONS!" Gradually, the noise drew to a stop and I could finally think again. "You! The one with the obnoxiously large glasses and no soul," I tersely started pointing a hoof at a foal with curly red hair who began to nervously clear her throat, "Name and rank?!"

Gulping down her anxiety, the horse began to talk in a very strong lisp, "Uh, Twist?"

I stalked up to the target of my amusement and started talking in a deep voice, "That a question or and answer?"

"Answer?" She replied sweat rolling down her brow.

Leaning in closer, I turned my head so she could only see one eye, "Ya, sure about that?"

"Yes?" My victim squeaked as she leaned back in fear.

I maintained my scrutiny for a few seconds longer before breaking out into laughter. "I'm just screwing with you! Oh that was hilarious." Upon seeing the completely unamused faces of her classmates, besides a pink one weaning a tiara, I nervously cleared my throat. "Although, I should probably get all of your names. So why don't you all say your name in order?" They continued to stare at me with unblinking soul consuming eyes. I sighed and just pointed to a teal filly with gold curls.

"Sun Glimmer!"

"My name's Diamond Tiara."

"I only need your names, thank you very much."

"C-Clear glass, miss."

"I already got you, Plot Twist."

"My name-"

"I'm Apple Bloom!"

"Ruby Pinch."

"Archer!"

"Silver Spoon."

"Tootsie Flute..." As the last name was said, I realized something. There was no way in hell that I could remember all those. Oh, well, I'd better get on with the lesson.

"Ok, class. Let's start todays lesson." I paused as I read the agenda I picked up on the way out. "This morning we will be learning the extensive history of Equestria starting from the banishment of King Sombra." Suddenly, as the random noises my mouth was making reached my brain, I froze in place and my pupils dilated to mere pinpricks.

"Well, I'm fu- screwed."

Author's Note:

Did you know that the orange filly with a magnifying glass cutie-mark doesn't exist anywhere except in
I looked in a lot of sources, but there is no reference of this pony or the cutie mark anywhere. AND I MEAN ANYWHERE!! So I made my own name. It may not be the best (Clear Glass), but if you have any better ideas, than comment them and I'll probably change it to any really up-voted ideas.

(I based the class order on that and this story takes place a few days before Boast Busters.)


It looks like our hero and local inter-dimensional dumbass is in quite the pickle. Make sure to comment below for ways she can get out of this mess which may or may not be incorporated into the story. (They wont.)

Comments ( 19 )

Clear Glass will obviously be the only pony who picks up on Cheerifake.

This, this is amazing.

6347547
Yes! I got the amazing sticker!

Well at least Derpy isn't fazed by receiving notes from her past self. I don't think I could handle that myself! Oh wait....
Keep going! ;)

"PiƱa Colada."

NOT RUBY PINCH:twilightangry2:
media.giphy.com/media/D0c34tjq6tJQY/giphy.gif

in all seriousness, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe consider changing the name? Ruby Pinch, or "Pinchy" for short, is just so much better. and easier to type.

6349364
It has been done.
6348849
Well, duh! Derpy is only the most stable pony in all of Ponyville. Something goes wrong? Derpy isn't fazed. Although, 90% of the other ponies in town will probably freak out. "I just don't know what went wrong."

Now anywa- Oh, what's this? I found an exposition taped to my computer screen. "Make sure to kill Sara Conner... And also take out the trash. You from the past." That's all it says.

6362919
Thank you

The orange filly is Noi. You see her jumping rope sometimes. Voiced in Pony Confidential by Nicole Oliver if I hear right. Background fillies have weird cutie marks sometimes. What you should find strange is that Scootaloo appears to have the Blue Flu, and Sweetie Belle appears to have whatever Discord caught after the Blue Flu.

If Cheerlee want's a way out ONLY way I could think of is " Well it seems that i have lost my memories (i cant spell that term for this scenario) Bye bye:pinkiehappy:"
But to my comment I LOVED IT as always it was very entertaining :twilightsmile:

Love the story can't wait for more

Sorry about this story being on hiatus for so long. I'm making a lot of changes around here to keep stories afloat, so check out this blog post for more details.

oh THIS IS GLORIOUS

Coffee machine, why have you failed us! :raritydespair:

7511670 That Celestia-forsaken coffee machine!

7511680
May it brew nothing but decaf for a thousand years!

7511688 Mwahahaha! :pinkiecrazy:

Honestly, I just have no clue how to write the school scene. I also have two other incomplete stories and I want to at least finish one before I start this back up. :twilightblush:

7511708
Well, no pressure. I just thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to see not-Cheerilee completely BS the entire lesson and end up getting told by the foals, who are now concerned for her mental well-being.

what a shame i like all 2 chapters

Aw man this sounded like a great premise

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