Fifth Chapter: Theeeeere We Go
By the time the paramedics managed to get Snips and Spike out of the house and inside the ambulance, a small crowd had already formed around them. It was amazing how professional they could look while having ruffled manes and faces full of lipstick. Maybe that mare in the library was right, Pumpkin Cake thought as she looked at them. That uniform did look a little sexy.
“I can’t believe the answer was inside Featherweight all along,” Diamond Tiara muttered as they all watched the lights of the ambulance disappear into the horizon. “It’s so obvious in hindsight.”
“But we’ll never make the same mistake again,” Dinky said, nodding wisely, her forelegs around Sweetie Belle and Rumble’s shoulders. “We have learned many things today.”
“Oh, yeah?” Rumble shook her off. “Name one.”
“Weeeell, let me just…” Dinky squinted and licked her lips as she peered through the small crowd around them. Everypony was talking about Spike and the mysterious yet weirdly aphrodisiacal mummy. “HEY! RUBY PINCH!” She pointed at the mare, who looked at her with hopeful eyes. “I JUST HAD AN AMAZING TIME! AND YOU WEREN’T INVITED!”
The hope in those eyes got crushed. “OH MY GOSH, WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?! YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!”
“There.” Dinky turned to Rumble as Ruby Pinch ran away, crying her eyes out. The crowd opened up to let her past. “We just learned that, for example.”
“One day, somepony will beat you up so hard, Dinky,” Rumble said. “And it will be a fine day.”
“Probably. Tonight, however, I need to harvest the fruits of my labor.” Dinky winked at them all and walked away, following Ruby. “So if you excuse me…”
They all stared at her with varying levels of disgust until she turned a corner and went out of sight.
Sweetie Belle was the first one talking. “I can’t believe I had sex with her.”
“I don’t know,” Diamond Tiara said, frowning. “I mean, they’re happy in their own way.”
“…No.” Pumpkin Cake tapped DT on the shoulder. “No, they’re not. They—that’s not a happy couple, Diamond Tiara.”
“Yeah,” Rumble said. “That’s just—oh, hey, Lemon Daze!”
The yellow mare popped out of the crowd and hugged her boyfriend. “Rumble! Where were you? I’ve been looking for you for hours! Hi, girls.”
“Hi, Lemon Daze,” they all replied.
“Oh, you won’t believe it!” Rumble said, smiling widely. “It was so wild. I spent like twenty minutes alone with Pound Cake—he even carried me on a flight!—and I did nothing to him because I love you that much, babe.”
“Oh my gosh!” Lemon Daze covered her mouth with a hoof. “That is so sweet!”
“I know!”
“It must have been so hard!”
“It was!”
They hugged, eyes closed, and the whole group just stared at them with varying levels of disgust.
“You want me to ask him for a threesome, don’t you.”
“SWEET BABY CELESTIA, LEMON DAZE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!”
“Hah. See?” Sweetie Belle elbowed Diamond Tiara as Rumble and Lemon Daze flew away, lost in a conversation about the many ways they would test Pound Cake’s stamina. “That is a happy relationship.”
“Yes.” Diamond Tiara’s face was the one of a kid who just saw her mother give the best present ever to the stupid cousin. “I hate them so much.”
“Hey, you don’t need to go that far to find something to hate.” Pumpkin pointed down, at the space right next to their hooves. “I mean, look.”
“Oh, yeah.” Diamond Tiara made sure not to look where Pumpkin was pointing. “Silver Spoon.”
Indeed, Silver Spoon. And Twist, now that we’re at it. Both were still on the floor, tangled like two wrestling octopi, making “mmpf” and “slurp” and “hfff” noises.
“They’re getting a little steamy, aren’t they?” Sweetie Belle said.
“Let them be,” Diamond Tiara said. “Silver Spoon has planned this moment for months.”
“I like it!” Pumpkin Cake smiled. “We can call them Twisted Spoon!”
“Kid, you’ve spent way too much time with Rumble.” DT frowned and looked behind Pumpkin Cake. “Hey, what’s that thing you’ve got there?”
“This?” Pumpkin showed it to her. “Dinky made it! I’m just borrowing it for a while.”
“Girls.” Sweetie Belle patted them both on the shoulder and pointed at Silver Spoon and Twist. “We should move them away.” She lowered her head, and her horn glimmered with a green light. “Pumpkin Cake? A little help?”
“Right!”
With Sweetie Belle and Pumpkin Cake’s magic, they managed to move the Twisted Spoon away from the door and to the hall. The busy couple didn’t seem to notice it when they were laid on top of the sofa.
“Well, that takes care of that,” Sweetie Belle said, moving a second seat right next to the sofa and sitting on it. “This way at least they have a little more privacy.”
“Yeah!” Pumpkin said. She got a chair. “They’ll be so thankful.”
Diamond Tiara opted for a lounge, and made sure she was taking as much space as physically possible while sitting on it. “They will. I mean, hey, at least somepony got a happy ending.”
“You’re still upset about Apple Bloom?” Sweetie Belle asked, making a pout. “Come on, it’s not that bad!”
“It is bad, and today is my birthday, so I have all the reasons to be upset!” Diamond Tiara said, crossing her legs. “And Apple Bloom is being an idiot!”
“Speaking about her,” Pumpkin said, “where is she? I haven’t seen her in forever, and—”
“Right behind ya!”
The three mares turned around. Twisted Spoon didn’t, though—they were too busy testing each other’s gag reflex.
Apple Bloom, Babs Seed, and Pound Cake were walking through the door to the hall, all smiles and gleaming eyes, their coats clean and fresh. It would be impossible to describe how they looked without using the word ‘joyous’, and Apple Bloom in particular had a surprisingly bouncy walk. “Heya!” she said, waving. “Guess who just dry-humped DT’s pillow like crazy!”
“OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!”
“Woah.” Pumpkin looked at the three ponies—her brother was in the middle, looking proud, and Babs was blushing. “Seriously? You three went and…?”
“Hey.” Apple Bloom sat on Diamond Tiara’s lounge, pushing her aside unceremoniously. “It ain’t incest if Pound’s there.”
Babs got even redder. “…It ain’t straight if Apple Bloom’s there.”
Pound just smiled. “My life’s so awesome.”
“Wait.” Pumpkin looked at her brother as he got a chair of his own. “So you were getting laid while we were busy saving the day? That’s not fair!”
“Pumpkin,” Apple Bloom said. “He’s always getting laid.”
“Still doesn’t make it fair!”
“If it is of any consolation,” Pound said, sitting down and flexing his—wide, soft, gorgeous—wings, “those two were pretty busy double-teaming that pillow. I mostly watched.”
Diamond Tiara glared daggers at Apple Bloom. “You are disgusting.”
“Aw, don’t give me that.” Apple Bloom returned the glare with a smile. “Don’t you see anythin’ different?” She pointed down at her back. “We were busy doin’ more things than your pillow, y’know.”
Diamond Tiara frowned, but looked. “What are you talking ab—oh!” Her eyes went wide. “You cut your tail!”
A chuckle. “Eeyup. Well, Babs did. She’s got scissors as a cutie mark, doesn’t she?”
“But why?!”
Apple Bloom shrugged. “’Unno. The bottle didn’t break, but it did knock Spike out, so Ah figured you won that one.”
Diamond Tiara leaned against Apple Bloom, chest pressed against her side. Her eyes were twinkling, almost audibly. “Does that mean you didn’t… do anything else?”
“What? Heavens, no. We also had sex with Pound Cake.”
“Yeah,” Pound Cake said. “They did.”
“So much sex,” Babs agreed.
“At first they had some doubts, but then I squatted them into submission.”
“Yeah, he does power through everythin’. Why do you think Ah was walkin’ funny?”
Diamond Tiara leaned back, her eyes untwinkling. “Oh,” she said, her voice cold as ice. “Well. Good for you, then.”
“Aaaaaaw.” Apple Bloom patted DT’s hoof, still smiling. “C’mon. You know you’ve got no reason to be angry.” She was the one leaning towards Diamond Tiara this time, and once they were close again she landed a small kiss on her cheek. “Now we’re even, aren’t we?”
“Celestia.” Sweetie Belle looked at Pumpkin Cake, grimacing. “I’m starting to feel left out, here.”
“Yeah don’t look at me. You still stink like my brother.”
Diamond Tiara’s pupils grew when Apple Bloom kissed her, and while her cheeks didn’t get red, her overall pinkness looked a little darker than usual all of a sudden. She didn’t look at Apple Bloom, though; her gaze was fixed on the space in front of her.
A couple seconds passed. Apple Bloom leaned back and looked at her, the smile never leaving her face.
Then Diamond Tiara glared at her, and kissed her on the cheek, too, before turning completely away from her. “Hmpf!”
“Hahah. You’re so sappy.”
Pound Cake looked at the Twisted Spoon. “So, uh. Those two?”
“Yeah, they got together.”
“A shame,” Babs said, looking dreamy. “Twist looked so heterosexual. You don’t find mares like her very often.”
“Yeah, and is it me, or they’re getting worse?” Sweetie Belle said. “I mean, they weren’t exactly shying away of going nasty before, but look at Silver Spoon’s glasses.”
Pound Cake frowned. “Yeah. I think they’re trying to compete with Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara.”
“Bloomed Jewel?”
“Pumpkin, shush.”
“So.” Apple Bloom got even closer to Diamond Tiara, who was still facing the opposite direction. “Are we girlfriends now?”
“Hmpf!”
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She hugged DT from behind, resting her hooves on her stomach. “Cool? We’re even? We can go dry-hump your pillow together?”
That earned a giggle from Diamond Tiara, and she relaxed. They stayed there, laying on the lounge, Apple Bloom holding DT from behind, just enjoying each other’s presence.
Then Diamond Tiara turned around. “In all seriousness, though, we’re burning that thing.”
“Yes.”
“We’re burning that thing first thing in the morning.”
“Yeees, yes, we’ll do that. Anyway!” She turned to her friends, and her smile was brighter than the sun for a moment. “We gotta celebrate this birthday properly!”
“Bathroom’s probably free by now.”
“No, Ah don’t mean—that comes later. Alcohol! Ah brought a lil’ thing myself, and we could all make a toast, now that everythin’ is solved! You in, Pumpkin, Pound?”
“Uuuuuuh.” Pumpkin frowned. “We’re underage.”
“Aw, Ah made it myself in my bathtub. Ah’m sure it can’t be that ba—woah.” She blinked. “That Twist and Silver Spoon?”
“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle said.
“They sure are havin’ a good time.”
“Yeah.”
“Isn’t that dangerous?” Diamond Tiara said, frowning. “I mean, I don’t want to alarm anypony, but I’m fairly sure they’re standing on—”
“HEY!” The door of the room slammed open, and a tempestuous, mouth-foaming Scootaloo appeared at the other side. “YOU TWO! STAY AWAY FROM MY SOFA!”
When Filthy Rich came back home the next day, he was carrying a brown bag over his shoulder, and had a funny look on his face. He looked around, humming happily, soaking in the absolute mess that was Maison du Riche.
There were stains everywhere. Every curtain was shredded. Not a single table or chair was still in its place, and for some reason he could see pieces of microwaves near the stairs.
Empty bottles in every corner, dents on the walls and the floor, food—Celestia, he hoped that was food—under the carpets.
And everything was completely silent.
News travelled fast. Filthy Rich had heard a lot of things about the party—he’d even gone to the hospital to check on Snips and Spike, to make sure they were fine.
So, he knew where to look. And sure, soon enough, Filthy Rich could hear a gentle snoring coming from the hall.
All huddled up on the floor, surrounded by seats and couches, were Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Twist, Silver Spoon, and the Cake twins. They were all fast asleep, and sure, some of them were a little more huddled up than others, but overall they were a big, fluffy pile of drunk ponies sleeping. A bottle still half-full of something that looked dangerously home-brew was right next to them.
They were all smiling. Well, except for Scootaloo, Filthy Rich noted. She was facing the sofa with angry eyebrows.
But it still melted his heart. Smiling warmly, Filthy Rich looked inside his brown bag and retrieved a blanket, soft and warm. He tucked them in, earning pleasant grunts from all of them. They looked like puppies.
Filthy Rich just stood there, looking at them and thinking of his youth.
Then he got the other thing he was carrying in that bag.
PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Ah-hah-hah.” Filthy Rich’s grin was bigger than the rest of his face put together as he put the airhorn down. The sound echoed and reverberated against the walls. “This is why I became a father,” he said. The eight hungover ponies squirmed in pain in front of him. PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Music to my ears, I swear.”
“DAD I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”
“Well, yes, that’s the point of this whole thing.” Filthy Rich frowned. While trying to wriggle away from him, Pumpkin Cake had revealed something she’d been hiding under her body. Something gun-like, and dangerously home-made, pointing right at him. “Wait. What is th—”
Pumpkin pulled a string.
BOOM!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Tonk!
Silence.
Pumpkin managed to overcome her hangover long enough to smile. “Not that much to learn, after a—.”
PTWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“SOMEPONY TAKE THAT THING AWAY FROM HIM!”
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6358768
Isn't it obvious?
6358768
I'm going to assume this to mean that the paramedics were inside Featherweight, or at least inside the particus fantasticus that filled his general vicinity. On the other hand, that line of dialogue is just ambiguous enough that they could have been somewhere else entirely, and merely their location was obtained from "inside Featherweight". I like it that way actually, I think the ambiguity lends it some extra humor.
Now for my own thoughts. Wow, this was... certainly a thing. A thing that happened. Yes.
Honestly, I really enjoyed this story! I'm surprised to hear it didn't get the numbers your usual stories do, because I thought it was great - certainly nothing so drastically different from the usual beauty you produce that a significant change in numbers would be understandable. Regardless, I will state once again that I had a great time on this journey, and while I'm sad it's over it's also great to have another story to show to people when they ask me what insanity is.
Now, typos (along with some general comments connected to specific quotes - I'm changing up the formula!):
I think that should be "you'll" rather than just "you", but once again it could be obscure grammar rules that I'm not aware of. Don't take my word on this one.
Forget what I said about SilverTwist on the last chapter, Twisted Spoon shall henceforth be the true name for this pairing. Also, I love that they were thereafter referred to as "the Twisted Spoon". I'm not entirely sure why, I just did.
So from this, I can assume that "sush" is just how you spell that noise/word/other assorted vocalization. In that case, I retract my previous suggestion on its spelling (though my brain does still try to read it as "sushi", but that's my problem not yours).
Nice short chapter to finish this story off, and I loved the veritable slew of concepts and incidents from earlier in the story coming back for one last hurrah! (Though I feel like one more mention of the Sweetie Shuffle could have been fun, despite the prior reference to it just a chapter or two ago.) So once again, thanks for this story! And since I've said everything I wanted to say here, and thus probably won't comment on your blog post: you are very pretty.
So.... uh.... all ended well?
I've gotta say, I'm very surprised this story isn't a whole lot more popular than it is. I mean, it's it's like Pipsqueak's Day Off had a child with one of your blogs, and the result is just as good as you would expect.
That went to dark places, decided it liked it and partied hard there. i laughed a lot, it was grotesque enough to be very funny (but I am a horrible person).
It's a story that surely deserves a lot more thumbs up.
Diamond Tiara's Pillow got so much action. It deserves to be enshrined in some airtight case to seal in the memories.
Too many awesome moments, and lovably dark moments, but I'll just say Dinky and Ruby have the most fucked up relationship and yet I think they'll go rather far. xD
So glad to have been able to see this party reach its climax. Most adorable ending, I should invest in foghorns.
The Jeweled Apple and The Twisted Spoon. Scootacouch and Diamond's Pillow. This fic had some great freaking pairings.
In all seriousness, how is this fic not way more popular than it currently is?
And eleven months later, Ponyville General Hospital's maternity ward was overworked, and Mr. and Mrs. Cake welcome several dozen new grandfoals to the family.
Unless Mr. Cake is dead, and the scene with Filthy Rich and Mrs. Cake in Chapter One means Pound Cake both gets several dozen kids and a new sibling.
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The paramedics' location wasn't meant to be a "I never tell it and that's the joke" thing, I just thought it wasn't as obscure as it came out (and there was a little bit of miscomunication with the prereaders due to me having to go away in a rush). As many said, Pinkie and DT give you the clues -- the whole "the answer was inside Featherweight all along" part is a tweak on the "the answer was inside you all along!" cliché, and it means that they were fucking Featherweight. They were inside the "nonsexual" orgy that's been mentioned a couple times before.
Guess I should have made that clearer? I'unno.
Also, the Sweetie Shuffle -- it was actually going to appear at the very end, or at least that was the idea I had when I started the whole thing. Sweetie would invite Pound to dance, and then she'd teach him the Sweetie Shuffle, and then everypony would fall unconscious (and Filthy Rich would find them).
Problem is -- as funny as that idea is, it would mean Pumpkin was conscious (she doesn't care for sex, and Pound is her brother), and I needed her for the cannon stuff. Plus, Sweetie and Pound wouldn't fall unconscious themselves, as one is unaware of what one does while Sweetie Shuffling. And on top of that, such a scene demanded a reaction from Scootaloo, who had already appeared and was the last joke of the scene.
It fucked up the pacing and brought plot holes, in other words. So I just deleted it and rescued the Apple Bloom beverage thing, and I handwaved how the Cake Twins don't drink alcohol but this is an exception. The Shuffle got a mention in the previous chapter, as you saw, though, because I mused that it had to be acknowledged, at least.
But eh, don't cry for it. Chances are it'll appear again at some point, if I ever write Sweetie Belle again. It's too funny a concept to let it go to waste like that.
6358768
Yes.
This was the strangest, funniest, gayest, straightest, darkest, lightest, oddest, most normal thing I've read in a long time. I don't think I've laughed this much at a story in a while. Thanks for this masterpiece.
Oh that was fun I swear.
I'm going to miss this fic.
So, "Terry Prattchet writes a crackfic".
I will read every single thing you've written.
6650073
Oh man.
Do not read the early stuff. Really. Daring DONE! is the first readable story I ever wrote. Trust me on this. You don't want to put yourself through anything else.
Still, hey, nice if you do that! It's always cool when people feel like my stuff is worth their time.
6650135 I've read a good chunk of your work here already and, believe me, the pleasure's mine.
In general you have a Prattchet's kind of style that just draws me in and puts on a leash-- enough wit that the humor is worth reading again, but made well enough that you'll never spend five minutes scratching your head until you get the joke. The most noticeable difference is that your humor is more lewd than his, but it's fitting. As DT (Or SS? shit memory here) said, puberty in Ponyville must be something special alright, with weekly horrors from beyond the stars and Sweetie Shuffles. Second thing I noticed is your nearly constant use of two or four scenes interrupting each other in a nearly constant basis, which I am surprised to say you pulled off well enough for it to be enjoyable rather than annoying. Hell, too many subplots is the main reason I openly dislike The Ninety Nine Nectars of Luna Or Whatever For God's Sake That Tittle Is a Mess, even if the story itself isn't really bad and the writing is enjoyable, with that Victorian aftertaste I can't quite put my finger on.
If it means anything (And I know it does for me), I had a iron cast rule of stopping reading any story that had "AAAAAAH" as dialogue, but you made me ignore it. Your AAAH's made me reconsider my perspective in the general use of AAAAAAHS, even of AAAAAH's and AAAAAAAAAH's.
Generally, good work. I don't normally bother with praise or thumbs up (I have a pathological hate for the later) but in this case both are justified.
I'll lick your eyes as you sleep and you'll like it
I just recently read this for the second time and damn if it isn't a work of art.
6511382
You know you want the GAWK.
Wink.
This was my face all the way through reading this. I want a head copy of this with a picture of that final scene on the front cover to put in a bulletproof glass case and admire every day for its sheer brilliance. Absolutely brilliant
6949557
If you read stuff after ctrl+f'ing particular words, however, you'll miss a lot of context and won't understand what is going on. Not exactly the best way to read a comedy of all things.
6949557
He still writes Spike better than Merriweather Williams, you gotta give him that.
6949883 Tom Spiegel, is that you?
kinna ruined it for me that Silver Spoon wasn't with Twist if that was intentional.
Silver Spoon would have made 8. I guess she was in the bathroom (since that one colt and filly finally vacated the facilities) and therefore was spared this pain?
well you have SERIOUS issues with identifying the speakers, I have to point that out. but all and all this was an awesome story!
7189360
Nah.
The entire point of the scene is that everybody is drunk, confused, and screaming. Nobody has any idea of what is going on, and not even the characters themselves know who's talking, because they're all hysterical.
So the confusing format is entirely on purpose. The reader is supposed to feel lost, and believe that it's all a goddamn mess -- 'cause that's what the characters are feeling. Not even themselves know who's saying what, so why should the reader have that intel? Scene is funnier this way, too.
So nah, I don't have any issue with identifying the characters (you didn't have that problem in any other point in the story, did you?) That scene does, ye, but eh. It was intentional, is what I mean -- you might be absolutely right in how it doens't work for some people, though. What can I say? It was an experiment. I find it neat, personally!
Also -- Silver Spoon always talks in lowercase, as she's not screaming. Twist is the aggressive one (threatening SIlver Spoon and so on) and Sweetie Belle is the baffled/scared one. I knew who was talking all the time while writing that, is what I mean -- I didn't just write a clusterfuck. I just wrote it like a clusterfuck.
As per the ending and Silver Spoon's abscence... Not going to lie: that's weird. Like, uh. She was supposed to be there. I think I just forgot to add her when Filthy Rich lists all the ponies in sight, and then I just counted them, said "okay, they're seven" and moved on. But yeah, editing that now -- Silver Spoon is there, and she's in fact the reason why Filthy Rich mentions that "some are more huddled up than others".
So yeah, that's a fuckup on my part, and a damn weird one to boot. Thanks for pointing that one out, editing it right now!
The first chapter was far and away the best. This party needed more Luna, though.
Jesus Christ this was an Adventure™
Love it
That was the funniest story I've ever read. Every scene was absolutely brilliant.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or this story that is making my eyes feel like they're on fire.
This was beautiful. You are beautiful. The Sweetie Shuffle is beautiful. Scootaloo is beautiful. Twisted Spoon is beautiful. Dinky and Ruby were beautiful.
.....I could go on for hours.
*hits the favorite button several hundred times*
I'm not going to be melodramatic and say I don't know what I just read. I know exactly what I just read, and it was glorious.
This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a sexy party.
Could somebody help me out? I once read another story with this EXACT premise (Older and friendlier Diamond Tiara throws a wild party, all of her peers show up, shit goes crazy, ponies get drunk off thier plot and spontanioes orgies break out in back rooms, everything spirals out of control and a hilarious time is had). Must be something GOLDEN with the whole concept, because this, along with whatever story that was (seriously, help me out, can't find the thing ANYWHERE!) are probably the most I've laughed reading in YEARS.
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Pipsqueak's Day Off, by Chuckfinley. This story is a love letter to that one, yo.
8037231 BINGO!!! Actually, turned out the one I was thinking of was the Diamond Tiara spin-off story, but the author link got me there easy. ( ; Much appreciated, that was driving me NUTS! Now if you'll excuse me, it appears you've got a new comedy staring Princess Celestia just waiting to be read. I'll let you know my thoughts when I finish!
How have I never known this existed before? This is fucking gold. PURE GOLD.
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This is it, fellas. We've finally achieved -- dare I say -- The Worst Take.
This reminds me of Kilted Keys alliteration series . .