Second Chapter: Sssssso, We Didn't, uh, We Didn't Exactly Go Uphill
“…and we locked eyes, you know?” Babs Seed was saying, looking at the crowd. Apple Bloom and Ruby Pinch had joined the five stallions and Diamond Tiara not so long ago. “And he said ‘Please, Babs. Please. Do it.’ And then I did it. I did it.”
They crowd gulped in unison. Rumble’s eyes were watery. Ruby Pinch was pale as a ghost.
Then Babs Seed clapped, making them all flinch. “And that’s how I discovered that cutie marks can have two meanings, and that mine was also about sex, way before hitting puberty! Then I ate the cake my mother baked. It was really good!”
There were a couple seconds of silence from the crowd until someone got the nerve to speak again. “Wow,” Apple Bloom finally said, her voice weak. “Kinda, uh, dark, ain’t it?”
“Weeell.” Babs Seed shrugged. “Not officially. They never found the body. And, yeah, it’s true that I carry the trauma to this day—the nightmares, they visit me every night, they take pleasure in my suffering—but that cake?” She waved a hoof. “Absolutely delicious. Made it all worth it.”
Silence.
“…Seriously?”
“Hah.” Babs’ eyes sparkled. It wasn’t a happy spark. “Of course not. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing, but the blood just won’t wash away. I hear his screams in the howling of the wind every morning. When I die, I know it will be him who killed me, back from the grave, to bring me to the void where we both belong.”
The pause that followed that statement was like a pregnant killer whale: heavy, big, and made you uncomfortable if you were in the same room. It also reeked of fish a little bit.
Babs took a sip of her cup, then nodded sagely. “Aaaah. None of you is sleeping tonight, are you.”
“Nope.”
“Nuh-huh.”
“I foresee a life of drinking till I pass out every night to suffocate the demons you just put in my mind, Babs,” Ruby Pinch said, gravely. “Just like my mother, I guess. She’ll be so proud.”
“Ah, hah, hah. Ruby, never change.” Babs looked at Diamond Tiara. “Anyway! DT, it’s your turn. Truth or Dare?”
Diamond Tiara flinched and leaned against Apple Bloom, getting as far away from Babs as possible. “Uh, o-okay. I’m going to say Truth, because no way I’m accepting a Dare from you now, Babs. No offense”
“Smart girl,” Apple Bloom whispered. “Not gonna lie, she sounded a little bit too melancholic about that stuff she talked ‘bout to my tastes.”
“See, this is why your family is poor,” DT whispered back. “No way we’re letting a bunch like you have any economical power.”
“Ah would disagree with you, but Ah’ve seen my sister kick a chimera to death before, so yeah.”
“Hey!” Babs said, raising her voice just a little bit. “Are you gonna play, or you’re too busy flirting with my cousin?”
“Busy flirting, but ask away.”
“Okay.” Babs put her cup on the floor and scratched her cheek, frowning. “Let’s see… What is your deepest fear, DT? And I mean deepest. Like, the thing that keeps you awake at night. Feel free to take your time to—”
“Salamanders,” Diamond Tiara said. “They’re icky. My turn!”
“…Well, that was disappointing,” Babs muttered.
“Hey,” Rumble said, poking her on the shoulder. “After your answer, I’m kind of glad this one was so, you know. Not mentally scarring.”
“You Ponyvillians don’t know how to party.”
“Okay, so my turn now.” Diamond Tiara got away from Apple Bloom and stretched her shoulders. “Apple Bloom. Truth or Dare?”
“Dare.”
“Oh-hoh-hoh.” Diamond Tiara rubbed her hooves together. “Perfect. I Dare you to cut off your tail!”
The crowd gasped. Apple Bloom flinched and frowned so hard her eyes looked like triangles for a second or two. Rumble made a grunting noise. Babs Seed didn’t change her expression.
Silence ensued.
Diamond Tiara blinked, then looked around. “What? That’s what the game is about, right? Doing stupid stuff?”
“DT.” Apple Bloom rubbed the space between her eyes. “Please, take this seriously. Truth or Dare is not a game, and you know it.”
“I’m taking it seriously! Cut your tail off. It’s just hair, Apple Bloom.” Diamond Tiara made a huff. “What, you’re too much of a wuss to do that?”
“That’s self-mutilation!” Apple Bloom said. “It’s explicitly stated in the rules that self-mutilation is against the spirit of the game!”
“Hey, it’s not self-mutilation if it’s hair.”
“No, that’s just if it’s your mane. Tails are prehensile. That makes ‘em count as a limb,” Apple Bloom said. “And Article Seventy-Three of the Truth or Dare Constitution clearly establishes that major damage to any body part, like for example a limb, is strictly forbidden!”
“Excuse you,” Diamond Tiara said, “but Article Twenty-Two doesn’t list tails as ‘limbs’ at all. Article Seventy-Three doesn’t apply here.”
“What?!”
Babs Seed blinked twice, then looked at Rumble. “Uh… What?”
“We told you Truth and Dare is serious business in Ponyville,” Rumble said.
“Apple Bloom, we both know that the Council of Nineteen Sixty-Five cleared up the amount of stuff a Dare can do, and cutting your mane is perfectly okay!”
“Oh, don’t come here quotin’ Sixty-Five because Ah know you know that was a sham! It went against the very spirit of the Foundin’ Mares Declaration!”
“A sham that was validated by the general public!” Diamond Tiara slammed her hooves on the table. “Party Law is supposed to evolve with time, Apple Bloom, and the opinion of ponies who lived centuries ago don’t matter anymore!”
“I’m fairly sure this goes beyond ‘taking it seriously’, Rumble,” Babs Seed said. “What the hell are they talking about?”
“You try to live in the same town as her without knowing the ins and outs of party games, Babs,” Rumble said. He shivered when he said the word “her”. “That just doesn’t happen. Truth or Dare is an important matter, and don’t you dare try to say that the Constitution is stupid, because you’ll get in trouble.”
“What? Is the Party Police going to come after me, or…?”
“No, but she will.” Babs could hear the italics in Rumble’s voice. “We’re under her jurisdiction. She’ll know what you said. She’ll hunt you. And she’ll find you. Do not mess with the Constitution in Ponyville.”
“That Declaration is the basis of the entire Truth or Dare society, Diamond Tiara!” Apple Bloom was saying, red in the face. “And the Fourth Major Principle says there’s an acceptable level of pain, and cuttin’ off stuff is too much!”
“The Declaration was made for a society with different morals!” Diamond Tiara said. “You can’t be stuck on the past forever, you fascist!”
“You moderates have no respect for tradition!”
DT scoffed. “Cutting your tail doesn’t hurt at all. It’s hair. You drama-queen.”
Babs Seed raised a hoof and wagged her tiny tail. “Ah! I’m with DT there. Cutting your tail doesn’t hurt that much.”
“See? You cousin agrees with me!” Diamond Tiara said. “That’s two against one!”
“Yes, because I’m going to trust the psycho when it comes to self-mutilation!” Apple Bloom yelled back. Then she looked at her cousin. “No offense, cuz.”
“None taken. Though I’m not a psycho. I feel remorse and shame, and—not going to lie here—a little bit of arousal, but not indifference. Not a psycho, just messed up.” Babs shrugged. “You got a point, though.”
“My mother cut her tail off once, in a drunken fit,” Ruby Pinch said. Her voice was as weak as a miner with no pet bird, and she was looking at the floor, grasping her cup. “She cried. But then again, she always cries when she gets drunk.”
Babs eyed Ruby. “Gosh, you’re so hot right now.”
Ruby squinted. “Whenever I hear her crying at night, I know I’ll wake up to find her asleep in a puddle of her own vomit.”
“Unf. I love it when I’m the mentally healthy one.”
“Oookay.” Rumble moved away from Babs. “Yes. That aside, I think I’m with Apple Bloom here. I wouldn’t allow the tail-cutting, although I’m not really sure.”
“Well then!” Apple Bloom said, still staring at Diamond Tiara. “So the drunk mother and the psycho side with you, and Rumble sides with me! Looks like Ah’ve won!”
“Hah! As if!” Diamond Tiara pointed at Apple Bloom’s tail. “That’s going off before the night ends, and that’s a promise! We’re going to consult an expert right now, and you better not—”
“I’M A PREEEETTY PRIIIIIINCEEEEEEE—ARGH!” Blam! “UGH!” Plomf! “OH CELESTIA MY BACK!” Crack! “GAGH!” Plaf! “AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!”
Then, silence.
Rumble frowned. “It’s four a.m.? Already? Wow. Time flies.”
“I knew that sexy lingerie would pay off,” Diamond Tiara said, her voice grave and deep. “That was amazing. Top-notch entertainment.”
“Gotta give it to you,” Apple Bloom said, nodding. “It was. You callin’ an ambulance?”
“Sure. It’s not a party until the paramedics arrive.”
“Ah just wish they actually did their job instead of joinin’ the party, though.”
“Meh. Snips can wait till the morning. Or, wait.” She turned around. “Is he moving?”
Apple Bloom looked, too. “No.”
“Then yeah he can wait till the morning.”
“...And then Ruby Pinch, like, pulled my mane? And then she asked me to do the same to her, right? But that means she’s trying to get a grip on me while I try to do the same, and it was such a mess we ended up kind of fighting. And I’m not talking a cute gentle fight, oh no. I’m talking bloody warfare here.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And she had never had any kind of intimate contact before—total virgin, seriously—so it got clumsy. Two minutes later, there were are, punching and biting and stuff, and then she pokes me in the eye and starts screaming ‘MOMMY! MOMMY!’ at me.”
Twist squinted and took a puff of her cigarette. “You really don’t need to share these kind of details, Dinky. If you’re uncomfortable—”
“At this point, I’ve forgotten we’re supposed to have sex, so I just like, rode the wave, you know? ‘YEAH, WHO’S YOUR MOMMA? WHO’S YOUR MOMMA?’ and all that. Punched her in the throat.” Dinky gave Twist a smile. “Seemed fitting!”
“You’re a hopeless romantic.”
“Hell yeah, Ruby Pinch thought the same. She lost it right there. Best sex of my life.” Dinky let out a satisfied sigh. “Then she started to cry.”
Twist blinked, then looked at Dinky. “Ruby started to cry?”
“Yeah.”
“In the middle of the sex?”
“Yeah! She was whispering something, too? “Something something mother mother why won’t you love me.” Poor thing was sobbing like a scared toddler, just couldn’t stop.”
“Gosh.” Twist frowned, holding her cigarette between her lips. “That’s—gosh. Poor Ruby. I guess she—”
“And I’ve seriously never been so turned on in my life.”
“Okay, never mind Ruby. Clearly, you are the one who needs help.” Twist gave another puff of her cigarette and looked up and over to Dinky, who was smirking at her. “You used to be such an innocent child. What the hell happened to you?”
“Puberty! Also, the constant monster attacks to Ponyville left me feeling so helpless and scared that the only way to cope with my own pathos is to find somepony that’s even worse than me.” Dinky sounded peppy like a butterfly in Spring. “That way, I get at least some sense of control. Because I am not surrounded by monsters; I am the monster!”
Silence.
“Mostly puberty, though.”
“Definitely.”
They were sitting on top of Maison du Riche’s roof, looking at the stars, muffled music coming from below, their silhouettes drawn against the moon in a picture that would be later described as “pretty f’kin tight if y’ask me.” They had chosen to go up there to get away from the party and contemplate life’s beauty in a bohemian and melancholic way.
Also to smoke and get even more drunk. But the bohemian stuff sounded better.
“I need to give it to you, though,” Twist said, and then she gave Dinky her cigarette, because there was nothing better than coordinating gestures to words, no matter how unrelated they were. Dinky accepted the cigarette with a squee that was doubtlessly appreciative of Twist’s efforts to be internally consistent all the time. “You are not the only one.”
“Ah?” Dinky took a puff from the cigarette. She had never really learned how to do it, to be honest—she merely got some smoke in her mouth, then she let it go. She looked like an idiot, but of the adorable sort, so nopony had ever talked her out of the habit. “I’m not the wha?”
“The only one. Who changed, I mean?” Twist made a broad gesture with her right foreleg—as if pointing out the empty front garden, the house, the party below them. “Five years ago, this would have been impossible. We’re at Diamond Tiara’s party, for Celestia’s sake. Do you know how many times she made me cry as a foal?”
“Yeah,” Dinky said, arching an eyebrow. “A number somewhat between zero and none, I think.”
Twist frowned. “Well. Okay, yeah, they never really got to me, but—”
“More like you never even got they were picking on you, I think.”
“I—”
“You were a pretty stupid kid, Twist.”
“Oh, yeah, not getting that from you of all ponies.” Twist sneered and looked back to the front garden, face getting a little more melancholic than usual. As in, she kind of squinted, made a pout, and hoped to look interesting instead of slightly stoned. “But the thing is, we didn’t get along at all, right? And suddenly, bam! Puberty comes, and we’re all buddies.”
“Well, we have more or less the same interests, don’t we?” Dinky said, shrugging and doing her fake-smoking trick again. “So we bond over that.”
“Hobbies. You mean having horrifying sex and fearing death?”
“Yeah!”
Dinky stared at the moon, too, but she didn’t bother looking melancholic. “Also, the magic of friendship!”
“Exactly!” Twist patted Dinky’s back. “The magic of friendship, you got it right there. Do you realize we’re the first generation that’s been raised with that idea?”
“Wha?”
“Seriously! Like, okay, so we have Hearth’s Warming Eve, that holiday’s all about bonding, I’ll give you that.” Twist chose to get her cigarette back from Dinky at that moment, even though the gesture wasn’t completely coordinated with her words. Twist liked to be internally consistent, but she was also a huge hypocrite. “But it’s just a holiday, nothing that we really think about too much.”
“What about Hearts and Hooves?”
“Nah. That’s about love. I’m talking friendship.” Twist took a puff from the cigarette. “Like, pony society has always been based on friendship and the like? It’s a huge part of our culture. Our language and race and festivities are all based around it. However, we’re the first real friendship-centered generation, I think.”
“And why is that?”
“Because, well.” Twist arched an eyebrow. “Our parents were raised with tales on how friendship is a good thing. We have seen friendship-powered rainbows kill monsters every two days since we were five years old.”
Silence.
“Okay.” Dinky nodded. “Point taken.”
“So, like,” Twist continued, looking back at the moon, “we have this weird dichotomy, right? On the one hoof, we’re all about friendship. We literally can’t live without friendship. The fact that we can stand being in the same neighborhood as Diamond Tiara is enough proof of that.”
“Yeah. When you think about it, she did do some pretty nasty stuff.” Dinky rubbed her chin thoughtfully. One could tell she was doing it that way instead of unthoughtfully because she also squinted and looked stoned while doing it. “Like, remember when she got that hatchet and tried to kill us all? When we were thirteen? That was weird.”
“Hahah. Yeah. Heavens, we’re all so damaged. That’s adult life for you." Twist sighed. "Bottle up your feelings and make sure you’re alone when you cry, then die.” She took another puff of her cigarette. “But that’s kind of the thing, too, right?”
Dinky cocked her head to the side. “What?”
“I told you there’s a dichotomy, remember?” Twist waved a hoof. “On the one hoof, we’re all about friendship, just like our parents—and Twilight Sparkle, I guess—taught us. On the other hoof…” She made that broad gesture again. “This is exactly the opposite of what they taught us.”
Dinky looked down to the garden. “You mean how we’re having fun?”
“I’m talking about the party. Like, everything about it—the music, the alcohol, the sex…”
“So. You mean how we’re having fun.”
“More or less, yeah.” Twist sighed. “I don’t know, Dinky. I don’t think this kind of thing has been done before. Sure, they know how to party and all that? But their parties aren’t like this.”
“Well.” Dinky licked her lips in what was supposed to be a contemplative gesture but just came out as weird, with a subtle hint of arousing. “Pinkie Pie makes awesome parties, but they aren’t like this, that’s for sure.”
“Exactly!” Twist smiled and patted Dinky on the head. “That’s what I mean—this is, like, the total opposite of what our parents used to do. And we know that! That’s what the whole ‘we’re being responsible’ thing is all about, right? We’re supposed to act one way, so we obviously do the exact opposite.”
“So we get drunk and have sex?”
“Yes.” Twist nodded. “Although I’d say we’re just, uh, establishing our individuality as a generation. Sounds better. That’s what makes us special—we need to follow their teachings, but we still want to feel like we’re ourselves. That means rebellion, to a degree.”
“So we get drunk and have sex.”
Twist frowned. “You know, you’re starting to sound repetitive, Dinky.”
“And you’re starting to sound like a smartass.” Dinky shook her head and patted Twist on the shoulder, getting the cigarette back and giving it a fake-puff of her own. “Do you know what I think? We’re scared of dying, so we live hard. We were also robbed of a childhood because we’ve always been scared of dying, so we live harder.” She smirked. “And you’re talking about this because you don’t want to talk about Silver Spoon.”
Twist stiffened, but didn’t say a word.
“Hah. Square on the nail, wasn’t it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I was talking about sex with Ruby Pinch. Every time I talk about sex—”
“Something that happens way too often, if you ask me.”
“—Every time I talk about sex,” Dinky continued, “I end up asking the same question, and you always tell me the same, so—”
“Hey, maybe that means you should stop asking!” Twist said, forcing a smile that showed way too many teeth. “You ever thought of that?”
“Not really!”
“Gagh.”
“The thing is,” Dinky said, finishing the cigarette and throwing it away, “that you have something going on with Silver Spoon, and tonight’s the perfect day to settle it up! You should go for it!”
“I have absolutely nothing going on with her,” Twist said. Her voice was ice-cold. “And you know that.”
“Well. Yeah.” Dinky poked Twist in the stomach. “That’s the thing. Do you know how many ponies have been with Silver Spoon? Like, in a sexy way?”
“I don’t—”
“All of them.” Dinky pointed down. “Literally everypony in this party, but you. That definitely means something.”
Twist glared. “Yes. It means that, unlike you, I don’t care for sex.”
“Oh, come on. You think I was born yesterday? I’ve known you for way too long. You’ve been giving me this long-ass speech on how we all want to have as much sex as possible, and now you say you’re different?” Dinky looked Twist up and down. “Also, you look straight as an arrow. That says a lot.”
“I just don’t like Silver Spoon. That’s all.” Twist looked away. “I refuse to continue this conversation.”
“You’ve got such a hate-crush on her you came to this party just to insult her to her face, then went away the moment she paid more attention to Sweetie Belle than to you.”
A pause.
Twist looked at Dinky. “Uh?”
“What, you think I didn’t hear that? Sweetie Belle doesn’t have enough stamina to tire this mare out, thank you very much. I’ve had rides with Ruby, remember?”
“Ugh.” Twist made a grimace. “Stop saying that.”
“Oh, come on! Everything would be easier for everypony if you just got to it.” Dinky shook her head. “It’s like Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Or Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom, if you want me to be honest. You all should make it official already, instead of just fooling around and acting as if you don’t want to be together.”
“You realize you’re saying that after admitting that you shagged Sweetie Belle and are in love with Ruby in the exact same sentence, right?”
“Yes, but I like being a hypocrite now and then.” Dinky shrugged. “I wanna make it official with Ruby, too. Eventually.”
“Eventually.”
“Yeah.”
“So, once you’re tired of fooling around with literally everypony else?”
“Yeah. I know she’s into me, and I know she knows I’m into her.” Dinky smiled. “So, if she sees me being with others? Luna, that’s an extra bunch of abandonment issues that I just brought to her table. Do you realize how amazing our next time is going to be?”
“And I tell you that if I break this thing on somepony’s head,” Diamond Tiara said, raising the almost empty bottle of whiskey she’d been carrying for quite a while now, “that somepony’s gonna get knocked out instantly! That’s how it always works!”
“Sure. In movies.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and tapped her own head twice. “This thing’s harder than a lil’ bottle, Diamond Tiara.”
“Well, your head, sure. I know as a fact you’re extremely thick, Apple Bloom.”
Apple Bloom beamed a smile. “Thank you!”
“Oh, you are so welcome.”
“Bottle still ain’t gonna knock anypony out, though.”
Babs Seed ran away to chase some random mare, and Ruby had excused herself because she had to drink alone to forget, but Rumble, Diamond Tiara, and Apple Bloom were still sitting on the exact same spot as before. If anything, because there was just so much alcohol there—going away would be a travesty.
“Oh, please.” DT sneered at Apple Bloom. “You’re obviously contradicting me just for the sake of it. Broken bottles knock ponies out. It’s how it works in movies!”
Rumble nodded and pointed at Diamond Tiara. “That’s a compelling point.”
“Yeah, but Ah’m an Apple! Do you have any idea just how many times Ah’ve been in bar brawls?”
Rumble frowned and looked at Apple Bloom. “Hm. Another compelling point.”
“Oh, yeah. Rednecks.” Diamond Tiara looked down and tapped her chin. “Hmmm. I’m smarter than you?” She looked at Rumble. “Does that count as an argument?”
“Well, she just admitted she’s a redneck, so I’d say that—”
“Rumble.” Apple Bloom glared. “Be careful how you finish that. A beatin’ can be close to you.”
Silence.
Rumble licked his lips. “I’d say,” he continued, talking really slowly, “that she is exactly as smart as her sister.”
Apple Bloom smirked at Diamond Tiara. “HAH! Take that!”
“Oh, Apple Bloom.” DT shook her head and leaned against Apple Bloom. “You’re so cute sometimes. Like a puppy trying to catch her tail and asking others to take her seriously.”
“Aw, shucks. You’re cute too, DT.” Then she looked away. “Hey, was that the doorbell?”
“I think so,” Rumble said. “Maybe you should go get it instead of being gay all over me.”
“Who the hell would ring the bell now?” Diamond Tiara grunted and got up, stretching her back a little bit and never letting the bottle of whiskey go. She took another chug once she managed to be on all fours, more or less. “Gagh.”
“Hey, can you walk?” Apple Bloom said, looking at her with a frown. “You’re stumblin’.”
Diamond Tiara looked down at her hooves, then up at Apple Bloom. “Nah,” she lied. “I think I need help to get there.” She gave Rumble a perfectly innocent look and made sure not to glance at Apple Bloom at all. “You mind being a gentlecolt and helping me walk there?”
“I—”
“No need to!” Apple Bloom immediately said as she got up leaned against Diamond Tiara, half-carrying her from under the armpits, their flanks pressed against each other. “See? Ah can walk you just fine!”
“Oh.” Diamond Tiara smiled and blinked at Apple Bloom many times, her eyelashes fluttering in the wind. “Why, I certainly didn’t want to bother you, but of course, you can walk me.” Then she snuggled her, just a little. Perfectly platonic. “To the door. Or, like, wherever.”
“Hahah. You’re so drunk.”
“See you later, Rumble!” Diamond Tiara said, waving goodbye to her friend with the bottle of whiskey as Apple Bloom dragged her to the door. “I think Lemon Daze was looking for you!”
“Hey, why are you sayin’ bye?” Apple Bloom stumbled, and had to get a better grip of Diamond Tiara to avoid falling down. It was actually rather tricky to walk inside that house—there were ponies everywhere, and most of them were either drunk or… dancing, for the lack of a better word. At one point they had to take a huge detour to avoid walking over Featherweight and his nonsexual ménage a many. “We’re just gonna open the door and—uh. Are you sniffin’ my mane?”
“What? No.” Diamond Tiara buried her muzzle a little deeper in Apple Bloom’s mane . “Just your imagination.”
“You’re so subtle sometimes, did you know that?”
“You smell of apples. Sexy apples.”
“Yeeah. Maybe you should stop drinkin’ for a while.” Apple Bloom finally managed to get to the door—the doorbell was still ringing—and took the whiskey bottle from Diamond Tiara’s hoof, only to find it almost empty. She let out a sigh and drank what was left in one go. “There.” Then they went on walking. “Better.”
“Heheheh.” Diamond Tiara got her face out of Apple Bloom’s mane and grinned at her, then got her whiskey bottle back. “You drank from it! And my mouth was aaaall over it before!.”
“DT, we’ve had sex, like, five times already. Ah’ve had more things than your saliva in my mouth.”
“We shared a boooottleeeeeeee!”
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, and opened the door.
“Hey there!” she said. Then she looked at who was at the other side and, baffled, added “Spike?”
“Hello, Apple Bloom!” Spike said, smiling at her. The years hadn’t been gentle on the young dragon—the once small, cute, childish baby dragon had grown up to be the exact same small, cute, childish baby dragon. Dragons hit their puberty at sixty. “Sorry to interrupt your party!”
“Spike? What the hay are you doin’ here?” Apple Bloom said. “It’s way too late for you to be up!”
“Actually, it’s early for me to be up, but that doesn’t matter,” Spike said. “The Cakes wanted Pinkie to check on the twins, but Pinkie said she was getting too old to pop up in birthdays just like this, because it would mess up the party.”
“Oh, yeah.” Apple Bloom nodded. “Article seventy-four.”
“Exactly!”
“So they sent you instead?” Apple Bloom cocked her head to the side. “It’s an… interesting choice I guess?”
“Well, Pinkie said they needed somepony hip and young, who could blend with the young crowd. And Twilight said she wasn’t fit to do that anymore, and I was around, and they said ‘Hey, Spike! You’re pretty hip, or at least a knee! What if you—’”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
As far as bloodcurdling screams went, Diamond Tiara wasn’t the best mare in town—that title had to go to no other than Ruby Pinch, who, to be fair, had had way more practice at them than anypony else—but that holler? That was world league stuff. She screamed the kind of scream that starts a legend.
She screamed the scream of a wild hog seeing two harmless ponies and killing them in front of their three loving children.
She screamed the scream of a young father being told by the doctor that no, that’s the umbilical cord, you’re looking for that tiny thing—hey, what do you want us to do? Some are born well-endowed, some have to buy really big cars to feel good later in life.
She screamed the scream of somepony who’s scared of salamanders and just saw a big, two-legged, talking lizard knocking at her door.
Now, how does one react to that?
Well, there are many ways.
Apple Bloom, for example, didn’t react well. It was somewhat understandable—last time she’d heard something similar, her parents had been killed in front of her eyes. So she flinched and jumped away, curling up in a ball on the ground, the sound of fangs ripping flesh ringing in her ears. She was trembling a little bit.
The ponies at the party mostly flinched, and some stumbled, but overall they took it pretty well. Some turned around to see what was happening, but there were no casualties.
TONK!
And Spike fell to the ground, his head exploding in pain.
THUD!
Of course, that wasn’t as much because of the scream as it was because of the bottle of whiskey that landed on his head with all the strength of a startled Diamond Tiara.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
TONK!
Now, would Spike have retained consciousness if Diamond Tiara had only hit him once? Probably.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
TONK! TONK! TONK!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
TONK! TONK! TONK!
The way things went, however, Spike certainly lost consciousness pretty quickly. If not after the first strike, definitely after the fourteenth.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
TONK! TONK! TONK! TONK! TONK! TONK! TONK! TONK!
Later, when asked about the scene, Featherweight would say that he eventually got bored of seeing Diamond Tiara bludgeoning Spike and went back to his business without saying a word because, well, “nonsexual” stuff is more important than the wellbeing of Spike the Dragon.
And overall, that seemed to be the most popular opinion at the party, because by the time Apple Bloom finally managed to repress her flashbacks and stop daydreaming of the day she saw Applejack dig her parents’ graves, seventeen minutes had passed and Diamond Tiara was still hammering Spike with that freaking bottle of whiskey. Not even Diamond Tiara herself seemed to be interested in it anymore—she was kind of half-assing the job.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh,” she was saying, bringing the bottle down with the strength of an apoplectic moose. Clonk, clonk, clonk. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.” Clonk, clonk.
“Ugh.” Apple Bloom had to shake her head a couple times. She had a headache now—nightmarish flashbacks were horrible for her migraines—and had dark bags under her eyes, so she sat down and rested her back against the corner right next to the door. “Um, DT?” she asked, her voice weak.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh?”
“Ah’m not sure what are you doin’, but… Maybe you should stop doin’ it?”
“Dear Luna, finally!” Diamond Tiara got away from Spike and sat down on the floor, sighing with relief. “I’ve waiting for somepony to ask me to stop for ages, I can barely move my leg anymore.” She looked at the hoof that was holding the bottle of whiskey and twirled it a little bit. “Oh, this is going to hurt so much tomorrow.”
“…Okay.” Apple Bloom sighed and looked at Diamond Tiara. “So.” She pointed at Spike. “What was that?”
“Hm?” Diamond Tiara followed Apple Bloom’s hoof and looked at Spike. “Oh, the attack? Yeah, I mistook him for a salamander or whatever and got startled. He appeared so suddenly, I acted on reflex.”
Apple Bloom blinked really slowly. “We’d been talkin’ for three minutes before you went at him,” she said.
“I acted on a slow reflex.”
“And Ah gotta understand you never noticed he was Spike till Ah told you?”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Celestia, no. How dumb do you think I am? I just thought it would be awkward to stop just like that. I was waiting for somepony to break the ice.” She frowned and turned around. “HEY, THANKS FOR THE HELP, BY THE WA—oh, woah. Get a room, Featherweight.”
Featherweight tried to answer, but his mouth was rather full at the moment. “Hmpfff-pffff!”
“Hahah.” Diamond Tiara smiled before turning to face Spike again. “You’re so gross. Any—woah! Boy, it sure looked like there was less blood on him when I was screaming and stuff.”
“Ah think that’s ‘cause he’s still bleedin’,” Apple Bloom said, her tone bored.
A couple seconds passed.
Spike didn’t move.
“You know, something tells me we should react a little more strongly to this whole situation. Call it instinct.”
“Eh.” Apple Bloom shrugged. “Ah’m emotionally drained, and you are clearly some kind of minor psychopath.”
“Oh, yeah. Comes with being born rich. Zero moral compass.”
“Eeyup.”
More seconds passed.
“Hey, wait a second.” Diamond Tiara looked at the bottle of whiskey in her hooves. “I actually did it!”
Apple Bloom looked at her. “What?”
“You said a bottle wouldn’t knock out a pony, and yet look at that!” Diamond Tiara pointed at Spike, who by this point was more hilariously bloody pulp of scales than dragon. “I win! Now you gotta cut your tail!”
“Okay: first thing, that was a Dare and had nothin’ to do with this. You’re drunk. Second: nah. You said you would break the bottle against somepony’s head. You just swung it. Not the same.” Apple Bloom frowned. “Gotta give it to you, though—stuff’s harder than Ah thought.”
“Hmmmm.” Diamond Tiara got up and walked towards Spike, then looked at the bottle. “Well, it’s true that it didn’t break, but maybe if I—”
“DT.”
“Yes?”
“You are not hittin’ Spike with that bottle again.”
“But maybe this time it will break!”
“No.”
“But this is for the greater good, Apple Bloom!”
“Hey!” A third voice came from behind, and both Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom turned around to see a panting Twist, running downstairs—she had to jump over Snips, who was still lying on the floor—with a huge frown on her face. “Tiara! Stop doing that!”
“Hello, Twist,” Apple Bloom said, not getting up. “Long time no see.”
“DON’T WORRY, MY DEAR, I’M HERE TO—oh, hey.” Dinky appeared right behind Twist. She wasn’t panting half as much as her. “Where’s Ruby Pinch?”
Diamond Tiara didn’t lower the bottle. “Ruby?”
“Yeah! I was sure she was around here?” Dinky looked around, frowning a little. “We heard her screaming when you started hitting Spike.”
“Ruby ain’t here,” Apple Bloom said. “Well, unless she’s tangled with Featherweight there—Ah can’t really tell who’s in there no more.”
“Hmmmpf-mmpppfffff.”
“Oh. Okay, he says she ain’t there either.”
“Aw.” Dinky made a pout. “I thought you were scaring her! I was getting so ready for some hooba-hooba later. Who was the one screaming, then?”
Diamond Tiara pointed at herself. “Me.”
Dinky blinked. “You?”
“Me.”
“You can scream like that?”
“Me doesn’t like lizards.”
“Huh.” Dinky scratched her chin, then looked at Diamond Tiara with a small squint and took a step towards her. There was a grin in her voice. “You know, you’re way sexier than I thought.”
“Okay, yes, Ah’m gonna stop you right there, cowgirl.” Apple Bloom glared daggers at Dinky. The bags under her eyes made them look poisonous. “Better for you not to walk that walk tonight.”
“Woah, hey.” Dinky took a step back and raised her hooves in a gesture of surrender. “I thought Scoots was the territorial one.”
“Why are you here for anyway?” Apple Bloom asked, turning to Twist and making a mental note to ignore Dinky from now on. “You wanna go with Ruby too?”
Twist rolled her eyes. “No? I just came here because I saw you, you know, bludgeoning Spike. I thought that, hey, maybe preventing a murder would be a good idea.” She looked around, at all the ponies ignoring the scene with all their might. “Apparently I was the only one who thought that was bad, though.”
“Oh. Oh, yeah.” Apple Bloom scratched the space between her eyes. “Sorry. Yes. Spike. We gotta help Spike.”
“Huh.” Twist crossed the room towards Apple Bloom and kneeled down in front of her. “Hey, you okay? You seem a little off.”
“Yeah Ah just had an incident. Nothin’ much.”
“Incident?” Twist bit her lip. “Anything I can do to help?”
“Well, depends.” Apple Bloom glared at her. “You ever saw the insides of your folks gleamin’ against the mornin’ sun, Twist? You ever heard them givin’ up their last breath? Do you live knowin’ the trees you eat from every day were watered with their blood?”
A pause.
Twist blinked. “Uh. Nnnno. I’d say no.”
“Then you can’t help.”
“Woah.” Dinky stared at Apple Bloom, a slow grin coming over her. “Holy damn, Apple Bloom, I think you just broke a new record. Say, do you want to look for some place more private and…?”
“Why, yes. Some invigoratin’ sex with a psycho. That will solve all my problems, won’t it?”
Dinky winked at her, and somehow that was worse than the grin. It was the wink of a stallion showing the teacher a whip and asking if there's anything he can do to make sure his son passes his classes. “Hey, you can try!”
“Okay, yes, back off.” It was DT’s turn to glare. She even got between her and Apple Bloom and pointed at Dinky with the bottle of whiskey and all. “Shoo.”
“Yes, yes.” Dinky rolled her eyes and took another step back. “Geez. Learn to take a joke you two. Twist, a little help?”
“I think that was Dinky’s way of telling you she’s here if you need help, Apple Bloom,” Twist said, patting Apple Bloom’s hoof. “So… cheer up?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Dinky said, pushing the bottle of whiskey aside. “That was my way of telling her I’m here if she needs hooba-hooba. I seriously couldn’t care less about her needing help.”
Diamond Tiara growled at that, so Twist got up and took the bottle from her. “Ooookay you know what?” she said. “Let’s focus on Spike. I’m sure he—oh wow he’s still bleeding?”
“Yeah. Lotsa blood for someone that little, don’tcha think?” Apple Bloom said. “We should do somethin’.”
“Well, the paramedics are already here, right?” Twist looked at Diamond Tiara. “You called them when Snips fell down?”
“Yes, but good luck finding them,” Diamond Tiara said, getting her eyes off Dinky for the first time in an eternity. “By now they’ll be either drunk or drowning in genitalia.” A small pause. “Probably both.”
“Ain’t no party till the paramedics arrive,” Apple Bloom said, nodding. “Shame they also know that.”
“Well, it’s our best option. Unless somepony in here knows first aid?” Twist looked at the three other mares. “By any chance?”
“Nope.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Nah.”
“Gosh, we’re so prepared for the real world.” Twist shook her head and helped Apple Bloom get up. “Okay, so we should get Spike and look for—”
“Two teams,” Apple Bloom said, picking up Spike and putting him on her back. “You and DT go upstairs, Twist. Dinky and Ah will take care of this floor. We’ll go faster.”
Diamond Tiara arched an eyebrow. “You sure? I think I should go with you instead.”
“Nah. You don’t. Upstairs’ a maze, and this is your house—you’re better there. And Ah don’t feel like walkin’ up stairs.” Apple Bloom shook her head. “No. We meet here in half an hour, bring the paramedics if you find ‘em.”
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...
Wow.
I mean... GodDAMN!
This chapter was... Wowza. Not quite as funny as the first chapter but still a hell of a lot funnier than most stories on this site. Most things in general, in fact. I mean holy shit you're funny. You should really be getting paid to write comedies this good. If you aren't already pursuing this as a career then do the literary world a favor and be a writer.
With Sir Pratchett dead we need you now more than ever.
Or don't. You don't owe that world anything.
Unless you've got some overdue library books or something.
I laughed far harder at Dinky than I should have, and now I feel like a horrible person.
Welp.
...Oh well, time to go read the update to the story about Wreck-it-Ralph and and Nightmare Moon.
Wow...
I... just... wow...
I honestly think I never felt more conflicted in a long while.
So many borderline psychotic, mentaly affected or otherwhise damaged ponies.
Reading this story is like watching a schoolbus full of blind orphans and legless puppies crash into a chainsaw juggling contest that is held in a huge gasoline depot.
You just can´t look away!!!!!!
This is incredibly messed up.
I love you.
If you were looking to get an reaction with this kind of humor...you had me laughing out loud most of this chapter. Ruby and Dinky relationship is perhaps one of the cutest and darkest thing in this story.
I am also cheering for Silver Spoon and Twist to hook up until the end of the night.
Also Spike. Just Spike. I got nothing, mostly because nothing was proved. But it reminds me a little bit of your last blog post and the whole "hit them with a baseball bat in the head" thing. I cannot honestly see where the story would go if he was still awake, glad DT took care of that.
That was both hilarious and bleak at the same time. Well done.
Also, Spike got bludgeoned and will apparently be stuck as a little boy for decades, so excellent.
6332922
Hahah. Been there, done that.
6333368 Maybe someday you'll have written enough that whenever someone tries to describe your writing by stating something just as absurd as what they perceive the story to be, you'll be able to point them where ever. Maybe even have a helpful "If you said [x], go to story [y]."
But seriously there is a problem whenever someone says something absurd and you can use another one of your stories as a supplement.
Yes...
... Yes... 
... Yes! 
This is so deliciously messed up. Keep going, you beautiful disaster! 
She is a psyco- you're thinking of a sociopath. Psychopaths are insane, and are like Babs or have voices in their head telling them to kill people, and sociopaths have a lack of empathy for other living beings.
Oh hey look, there was another chapter. I feel so clever now.
Man, some serious mood whiplash in this chapter, I have to say. I went directly from laughing as hard as I ever have at DT's screaming to reading AB's flashback in horror. Good to know this is probably the darkest one of them all, because there was just something about the dark humor in this one that just... rubbed me the wrong way. I loved Long Story Short and its sequels (speaking of which, does this take place in the same 'verse? Seems like it would), but I found the dark humor this time around to be less humorous and more just dark.
But then, to each their own I guess, and I certainly had a great time regardless! ...Wow, that was way more than I intended to write initially. Whoops.
Couple more nitpicks this chapter too:
Random bracketed letter O? I'm... going to assume that served some sort of purpose at one point, but as far as I can tell it's no longer doing anything.
Wasn't it menáge? Unless that change was on purpose, I dunno sometimes.
6334258
Nope. You're describing psychosis here -- psychopathy and sociopathy are more often than not used to describe the exact same thing, and it's diminished empathy and remorse, and disnhibited and antisocial behavior. Babs there explains she actually felt what she did, full force. She did that thing she explains at the beginning of the chapter, and had to live with the consequences.
If she acts in a really insane-ish way, it's because there are just so many coping mechanism a character can have. It's either that or facing reality, and that's something she's not ready to do. This chapter is really dark for a reason, I just play everything for laughs so you don't realize the [Dark] tag should probably go up there.
6334646
This one is the darkest one by far. The rest are really, really light-hearted in comparison. I wrote this entire thing without thinking of the chapters, so some of them ended up a little bit more thematic than expected -- this one explores why the ponies act this way, and yaddah yaddah. Once that's established, they just have fun for the rest of the evening, really, so don't worry.
Also:
Not the same 'verse as Long Story Short, as Dinky and Ruby Pinch exist here (neither Derpy nor Berry Punch in Long Story Short have kids, and Ruby Pinch's mere existence is a thinly-veiled "fuck you" from me to all that people who think having Berry as a drunken mother is HILARIOUS in a PERFECTLY FINE, SUIT FOR EVERYBODY HUMOR). The story, however, has references to Family Matters, and while writing a latter part of the story I realized it has strong ties to Crime and Funishment (characterization-wise, nothing that you can't pick up immediately if you haven't read that one).
So if anything, it's in the same 'verse as those two, which are as of now linked through this one. I don't know if I referenced any other story of mine in this thing, though it's possible -- at this point I don't even think about it when it happens.
6333368
Bwahhahahahaaa! XD I did not even know that! XD
I've never wanted to bang an emotionally scarred girl harder in my life...said no one ever. Hopefully.
Oh god...
You took canon ponies and completely twisted them so they're incredibly OOC, took background ponies and gave them super-dark backgrounds, threw it all in a mash and made most of them psychopathic as hell and sex addicts? And you made Pinkie some kind of Gestapo figure for proper conduct of parties?
...I love it.
i feel bad for spike
6437991 No, you don't. You're a fucking brony.
DT ought to be gutted.
Actually, she ought to be forced to watch Featherweight being gutted first so she knows what she's in for.
Jesus, I liked the last fic I read under your name, and ctrl+F'd this one just to see if Spike showed up in any sufficient role. What do I find? Vicious, hideous violence aimed at him by characters who don't give a shit about him. For a fucking laugh. Where the fuck did all that hate come from? At least you're focusing your psychotic tendencies on a fictional character instead of real people. Still, I wish I could downvote this another twenty times.
You have issues.
It's the little things.
The brutal honesty is hilarious.
He's a dragon. Whiskey bottle are usually glass. I doubt even DT could swing the thing hard enough to actually do any damage at all.