A Darkened Day
The sky was grey, with a darkness moving in on the horizon. Everypony could feel it and everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls, a being of great power, since the world began. He was given the task of defending the world, and now he must see his task through. Even though this time, he might not be able to defend this world.
Celestia stared out at the approaching cloud from her balcony. Nopony knew how it had gotten there, one day it just appeared and now was slowly approaching them. It was pure black and she could swear she saw dark creatures fly in and out of the cloud. She had assembled every one of the guards and they were all ready for battle. She had sent a call in for the Elements of Harmony and they had just arrived minutes ago. They needed a plan, they had no idea what this cloud was and they knew for certain that it was an enemy that none of them had seen before.
However, while Celestia was thinking about the dark cloud heading their way, she failed to notice a strange bipedal being with gold armor, blue robes, a gold shield and a silver sword approach the castle gates. It's sword was broad and the creature had a face with determination and rage clear on it.
The next thing any of them knew, a Pegasus broke through the door with news of the strange being.
"Your majesty!" The Pegasus guard said. "There is a strange creature out by the gates that is requesting to enter!" The guard said while trying to get some breathe back from the mad dash he made to get here.
Celestia had snapped her head around when the Pegasus had entered and now she was staring wide eyed at the guard. "Shining Armor, follow me and bring several of your guards! Luna, I may also need your help!" Celestia said as she stormed out the room. She would not use her magic to teleport down there in case she needed to save it for the oncoming cloud, but she would use it on this strange creature if it proved to be dangerous.
It didn't take to long for the Princess, Shining Armor and his guards to reach the gates. "Open the gates!" Celestia said, her voice making a low rumble as she spoke. And the gates began to open, slowly, almost too slowly. And when they finally opened Celestia was found staring at a strange bipedal creature who was just as tall as Celestia herself.
I starred at the Princess of the Sun and the Princess of the Moon and slowly drew my sword. Everyone took a battle stance and I approached Celestia. "Don't come any closer!" She shouted but I took another step forward and saw a large beam of energy being launched my way. I raised my sword and blocked the attack, all while still walking closer and closer to the Princess. I reached her and grabbed hold of her horn, ending the beam instantly, while at the same time stomping my boot into the ground to send the guards flying backwards.
"Do not be afraid, my friend, for I am here to aid you in this fight." I said as I starred the Princess in the eyes, fear clearly etched on her face.
"Who are you?" Luna asked in curiosity. They all starred at me, wide eyed.
I sighed and spoke: "I have been with you all for a long time now." I said as I turned to stare at a picture hanging on a wall. "I am the Guardian of this world." I said as I turned back to look at Celestia and Luna. They all starred at me in disbelief. "I have been fighting off great evils since this world began, but now there is one evil, that has escaped me." I said as I lowered my head In shame. I took a deep breathe and raised my head once more. "The cloud of shadow will only continue to grow the more it feeds. I must stop it here, or this world, will meet its end."
I had just finished explaining who I am to the ponies when I looked out the balcony, only to find the cloud closer then it was suppose to be. My eyes widened as I starred out at the impossible. How? I had predicted it would be another three to four hours before the cloud reached us, but yet, here it was, not even half an hour away from its destination.
I whipped my head around and saw all the other ponies staring at the dark cloud with fear. We shouldn't have wasted so much time on chit chat! I thought to myself as I told Armor to gather the guards and prepare for battle. I charged out of the room with fury in my eyes. I would not fail my mission, I was given the task to defend this world, and I would not fail it now!
I burst out of the castle as I saw the first of the clouds beasts leave the cloud and begin their first assault upon the city of Canterlot. I drew my sword and held it high in the air. A bright light came from the sword and shined upon the flying beasts. Screams of pain could be heard as the creatures began to ooze out black smoke and many of them began to fall to the ground. Yet the cloud kept on coming, the light from my blade would do nothing to it.
The next thing I knew, I heard a loud 'Bang' and a rainbow beam headed over my head towards the dark cloud. However, when it reached the cloud, the cloud just separated itself and swallowed the rainbow beam whole. I shook my head in defiance. How did I let this thing grow so powerful! I thought to myself as I lifted my shield and charged through the gates of the city, to meet the oncoming shadow in a fight for the very world that was assigned for me to protect.
My whole body was glowing brightly now as the cloud began to fall out of the sky towards me in an attempt to end this worlds guardian. My face contorted to one of rage as I lifted my sword and my shield. Light spread throughout everything around me, and a low rumble could be heard from the cloud. I screamed out in pain as I felt the clouds shadow surround me, trying to crush the light. I closed my eyes and prepared for the impact.
Celestia stared in shock as the shadow fell upon the man.
The next thing any of them heard. was screams of pain. From both the cloud of shadow...
and the Guardian of this world...
The battle for good and evil, never ends here. We must continue the good fight. For fight we must all do. The shadow will die in the end, and we will reign victorious. Once the battle is over.
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IT has large amounts of potential but you need to work on your grammar and word placement, but it could be a work of art.
6326570 I'm very sure it could be as well. And I am aware of my errors, but I have the problem where, no matter how hard I try to make a story better, it always just stays the same or only gets lightly better. But, over time, as I write more and more, I should start to get better. It just takes time.
Tell me, what were some of the errors that I commited?
6326596 I will write some minor errors that I have seen in the first paragraph and show the differences and how to make paragraphs flow better
6326625 In your opinion, how would I make this story fit better? This is a story that is in my heart right now and I really want to improve it as much as possible.
Thanks in advance.
6326596 Sorry if its rather long
The sky was grey and a darkness was moving on the horizon. Everypony could feel it. And everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls. What they didn't know, was that their world has been guarded by this being of great power since the world began. He was given the task of defending it, and now, he must see his task through. Even though, this time, he might not be able to defend this world.
I Think we should replace and, and us with as well we need to add a comma before with, and remove was and add the word, in, in after moving.
The sky was grey, with a darkness moving in on the horizon. (See it sounds better plus it takes out useless words.)
Lets take out that first period.
Everypony could feel it and everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. (If you wanted a pause just add a comma.)
What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls. (Sounds fine to me.)
This can be removed and added to the previous line if you add a comma to the last line and after power, also add an a before being like so [What they didn't know, was that their world has been guarded by this] by one with the purest of souls, a being of great power since the world began. ( It makes it sound like it's not trying to repeat itself.)
Remove the comma after now. He was given the task of defending it, and now he must see his task through. (It doesn't sound like it needs a pause.)
Remove the first comma. Even though this time, he might not be able to defend this world. (It doesn't need a pause between Though and This.)
Now lets add them all together and see if it has improved
The sky was grey, with a darkness moving in on the horizon. Everypony could feel it and everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls, a being of great power, since the world began. He was given the task of defending it, and now he must see his task through. Even though this time, he might not be able to defend this world.
Now all flows smoothly and fits together just fine, those are the only major kinda things you need to look out for. I hope this example helps. Keep up the good work.
6326735 Thanks you greatly my good sir. However, I will not edit it tonight seeing as I am dead tired and in need of a good nights sleep.
6326769 Then have a fair night sleep friend
6326773 Actually, scratch what I last said. I forgot all I needed to do was copy and paste and now it is finished! Thank you again my good sir.
Also, might I bother for a few more moments Tell me, do you think the story in itself is good enough to be several chapters long? I ask this question seeing as I get quite a lot of enjoyment out of writing it and the people who read it seemed to enjoy it also.
6326791 I think it could be longer if you flushed out all the important details in the story
6329802 I have actually decided to make it a short story, I am going to make it three chapters long, like my other story: The Dark Side Of The World We Know.
6330161 cool
Come on the next please, release the next chapter
I love this story so far, so when do you think the next chapter might come out?
6476494 Right now I am working on a new story but I have been really occupied by work. Truth be told, I should have gotten the new story out a few weeks ago but work has held me up. And as for this story, This is my next goal to complete and should be done within the next week. Since work has begun to calm down I can start to focus on writing once more. I am glad you like this story my friend.
6477166 Sure thing pal
Huh. Seems interesting.