You can have cake, and eat it too...
Welp. So much for your appetite today.
You’ve always been proud of your stomach of steel, but right now even this gastrointestinal titan is feeling a little unsteady. You sit staring down at the piece of cake that has been set in front of you.
The frosting is tinged with green and looks dried and cracked like an old bread-makers hands. The once creamy filling melts out the side like a baked brie and smells similar. What the fuck even is this? Who makes cakes that smell like this? Is it fruit filling? Maybe something dairy based? Or just the demon seed of satan himself? Who the hell knows, but you dare not say anything right now. It’s definitely not the time.
Mrs. Cake sits across from you, her head in her hooves. Her shoulders heave as she sobs uncontrollably without even acknowledging your presence now. She seemed happy enough to greet you, as always, but right now she’s completely in her own little world, you’re sure of it. You see thick, unrelenting tears splash onto the table in a consistent and dreary rhythm.
Despite all your time in Equestria, you honestly have no idea how to handle this situation.You’ve never been the most comforting type, opting for offers of video games and shoulder punches in lieu of actual physical contact. And it’s even worse when it’s a girl crying, but there’s not much you can do about it right now. You just came in to the shop, Mrs. Cake offered you something to eat, she gave you THIS monstrosity and started to cry.
What the fuck is even going on right now.
Should you say something, do something? It seems like you should, but you’re at a bit of a loss. You extend a hand and awkwardly pat her on the shoulder.
“A-are you ok?”
At your question she wails all the harder.
Ok, that’s a no.
“Oh Anon, my husband found out!” she bawls. “He told me he knew about my affairs and just…left! He finally figured out that the babies aren’t earth ponies for a reason! I’m a fool to think he’d never suspect...”
Really? Wow, you figured one being a pegasus and one being a unicorn would clue him in. But ponies can be stupid, you’ve realized, so maybe this is the norm.
“I’m...I’m so sorry.”
You pat her again, trying hard and failing at being reassuring.
“I just...I should have never...”
She can’t finish her sentence and breaks back into sobbing. Shit, what now?
“I can’t do anything right,” she cries. “I can’t even make cake right without him.”
She gestures pathetically to the cake in front of you. She’s right, but you can’t say that, you have that much tact at least.
“No, no it’s great! It looks...fantastic!” you say, hardly believing the words as they come out of your mouth.
She sniffles, tears welling up and streaking down her pale blue cheeks.
“Really? You think so?”
“Of course, you’re an amazing cook!”
You smile, finally feeling like you’re on the right track.
“T-then why haven’t you tried it?”
Your smile fades. Fuck, she has you there. You force a smile back onto your face and look down at the putrid cake with trepidation. She looks so hopeful, so desperate.
Damn, are you really that decent a person? …shit, you are, aren’t you. You know what you must do.
With a hefty swallow of air, you lift your fork to show her your intentions. She smiles through her sadness, lower lip quivering with emotion. You have to do it. For her.
You spear the piece of cake and with a deep breath shovel it into your mouth. Instantly, you wish you hadn’t. A slimy, foul taste fills your mouth as smoothly as silk. It flows over your tongue and teeth life a river of filth, and before you can stop it it slips down your gums into your throat.
Oh god...what is this made of?!
A taste and texture similar to raw chicken mixed with week-old canned tuna flows through you. Your usually fortified stomach turns, trembles, wretches. Miraculously, you manage a smile and rub your stomach in a happy gesture.
“Mmmmmh, good,” you murmur between gags.
Mrs. Cake sighs happily.
“Oh Anon, what would I ever do without you?” she says so gratefully.
Your stomach sloshes in waves, the terrible cake urging a new and terrible tide in your innards. Keep it down, you tell yourself. You can do it.
But...what is Mrs. Cake doing now?
She bats her eyes at you coyly, and a low blush spreads across her cheeks.
“You know, it’s so empty here without a man around the house,” she whispers, scooting closer to you.
Wat.
What is even going on.
She scoots even closer.
“I’ve felt so lonely, so vulnerable here,” she croons.
Acid gurgles inside you, rising and twisting. Come on, Anon, you can do this. Just focus on figuring out what exactly this dumb pony thinks she’s doing.
“Oh?” you croak out.
“Yeah. You’re so good to be here, so supportive,” she murmurs.
She’s so close to you now that you can feel her body heat. You can smell her vanilla perfume wafting around you, stirring up the nausea already growing in you. What does she think she’s doing?
She leans towards you, still batting her eyes and blushing, but now with obvious intent. Jesus, she really is a cheating whore isn’t she? For all you know, she's been with every pony around if she's this willing to get it on so suddenly after her husband leaving. Well...everyone but Spike. Never spike. You want to back away, want to move, but you’re afraid that if you do the sour bile inside you will rise up and take you over. She’s so close now, you can see her puckering her lips. Shit, she really wants this, doesn’t she?
“I feel so safe around you Anon.”
You wretch inside, everything swaying and pushing in uncomfortable directions. She leans in, her pony lips reaching for yours.
Oh god.
She closes her eyes.
Oh god no.
The space between you closes.
It’s happening.
Before you can warn her, you feel your stomach start to turn inside out. The contents of your days’ meals spews out onto her face in a sudden gush, topped by that newly eaten piece of cake.
She shrieks.
You continue to vomit.
She tries to back away.
You continue to vomit.
She tries to close her mouth, which is filling with your vomit.
You continue to vomit.
After what seems like an eternity, you stop throwing up and blink to see Mrs. Cake completely coated in your stomach contents. You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand, feeling both immensely better now that the demon cake is out of you, but also profoundly guilty and embarrassed over what you’ve just done.
“Um….” you say, searching for words. “I’m sorry?”
“Anon!” she screams, sputtering in your bile. “W-why?”
She’s crying openly now as she wipes the vomit from her face. Your brain rages as the nausea swirls through you. Now you really have no idea what to do, you never could have foreseen this situation in a million years! Say something, Anon. Say anything!
“Well, maybe if you weren’t such a slut, none of this would have happened!” you blurt out.
Anything but that! You clap your hands over your mouth just as another rush of vomit spews out. Mrs. Cake gasps and points to the door with one hoof.
“How dare you!”
“But-“
“GET OUT!”
“But-“
“OUT!!!!”
She pushes you to the door and you stumble outside, icing-strewn vomit still staining the front of your shirt. She slams the door behind you and you blink into the sunlight as all of Ponyville stares with bewilderment at you. You’re suddenly aware of how wet your shirt is, how red your face is, and how every pony seems less confused by this, more…like they expect it.
“U-ummm…” you stutter, but there’s no more words after that.
“Ah,” whispers bon-bon to Lyra. “Mrs. Cake is at it again I see.”
You blink at them, then droop your head in resignation.
You have no idea what just even happened…but you know for sure you could really use some mouthwash right about now.
-End-
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Well... That happened. I don't know how to feel about it, but it happened.
This story is pretty sweet, if you ask me.
6318507
No one asked you!
...but nicely done, your humor is really cooking again.
>no romance
>no sex tag
What kind of crap are you trying to pull?
i.imgur.com/CbhO43E.gif
6318523
Hmmm...I suppose you could call this a romance.
And I suppose you could take it sexually.
...but why would you do that???!!! Yeeesch.
6318527
GOOD I'll join you.
6318530
Probably because I haven't read it yet.
6318533 Ooooooh....
Haha good luck with that.
You poor devil.
6318536
The problem is that I'm incessantly curious about this. I need to read it to find out what makes this not romance and not sex, but sound like it in the description. It defies standard story conventions.
Fuck it, I'm going for it!
Mrs Cake intended to have Anon make a mess of her, but she could never foresee him taking this notion so seriously.Not with all that vomit obscuring her vision
6318552
Again, I love you.
God damn it dude XD What the hell. No you can not have your cake and eat it to. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself for trying to sugarcoat this story in the technicolored yawn. Or in this case eating your cake in reverse.
I kept reading, thinking "this has to lead to horse sex. How could this not lead to horse sex?" And then I found out.
You continue to vomit.
I tried to read this story in Rob Cantor's voice. I'm sorry.
6319352
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING READINGS OF MY WORK?!?!
6319521
The real question is: Why haven't -all- your stories been recorded yet?
6319521 The vomit needs to be regurgitated via word of mouth into everbody's facial orifices. Taste the vomit, Embrace the vomit, Share the vomit.
N-no. Yes
Smooth moves, Mr Bogard.
I guess since Anon couldn't stir up the courage to get baked withe the cookpony and sample her tuna casserole that he's just going to have to take a trip to the vomitorium ... Fuck it, I ran out of puns. Gay Bath House, are you satisfied now?
6322421
Yes. I feel as though I've developed a taste for your puns.
6322421 BUHRNING!!!
6319521 Someone should start a dedicated channel for these lovely bed time stories.
...>_>...
Okay, maybe i miss you whenever the booze is in my bloodstream.
6323754 Cheeki Breeki. I suppose I'll just have to swallow my pride and eat it. Piece of cake, amirite?
Fucking... Goddammit. I've studied your habits. I know your ways. And still. Still I walked right into it. Fuck everything always.
6331662
:D Right?
That wasn't enough warning.
8/8 Too great m8, I'm off to ponder my life and reprimand myself for my decisions in life, only to feel worse about myself and continue to come back and read more stories by an unknown writing tool.
6348982
"unknown writing tool"
...good job.
She shrieks.
You continue to vomit.
She tries to back away.
You continue to vomit.
She tries to close her mouth, which is filling with your vomit.
You continue to vomit.
lol AH GOD NOOO..
You continue to vomit. - my favourite part. Also, this is my fetish.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/10/14/448916/full.gif
*reads fic*
This story got me thinking of a video on youtube also containing vomit and cake.
Thumbs up!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1awrN9NOEY
I was hoping this story was going to involve anon consoling Mrs. Cake with her divorce by indulging her in her vomit fetish
Dammit
7161800
Nothing good happens to anons in my stories.
Nothing.
Ive been traumitized