In the space of two days, Princess Twilight Sparkle completely overthrew Sunset Shimmer's dominance as the queen of Canterlot High. That Sunset's rule of several years folded quickly to a culturally-ignorant person of another species entirely is suspect, along with her decision to invade Equestria, and her immediate redemption at the hands of the Elements.
What if all this inconsistency was deliberate, to hide Sunset's real master plan?
NOT Rainbow Rocks compliant.
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I love your take on Eg it's amazing.
I can count the number of times I've said this one this site on one hand, but...this story needs more plot and less character. Normally, it's the other way around, or the author forsakes both. I believe this is the reason for the relatively low vote/view ratio--people don't read the whole thing.
Some things that might help this are adding mystery and tension to the story. Throughout the whole thing, I felt like I could always feel what's coming up next. There wasn't any real drive to continue reading. Normally, the desire to continue reading is driven by concern over how the character we've come to care about will turn out, or the desire to uncover some mystery the plot has introduced. There was no mystery here. In fact, I was a third of the way through the story when I figured out the plot. Everything before that was character development.
That being said, the character development was very good, and in a longer story with a more involved plot, it would have fit perfectly.
Also keep in mind that in literature, dialog helps to convey emotion and grounds the reader in the situation. This story definitely needed more of it.
As far as the idea itself goes... You'll get no complaint from me about altering EQ's story. There were so many plot holes in that disaster that it's a relief to see something more thought out, even if I think it should have deviated more radically.
I'll keep a look out for more of your stuff that avoids my absurd and capricious list of story elements I can't stand.
I hated the way Sunset was in EQGirls and her plan too. Your story makes it actually likable. I loved it. Five stars
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6374708 Thanks for the comments!
6380061 Yeah, as I noted in the author notes, I had the idea and started out strong, and then it petered out. I originally was going to start it completely in media res with the whole final confrontation with Twilight starting first, and then revealing the twist, and just couldn't get it going. After that, it became way too easy to see how it would go.
However, I am quite satisfied with (as you mentioned) character development, in particular Sunset herself. The story is set up entirely as 'Events in Equestria Girls go exactly as depicted in the movie but here's the spin that completely upends the whole plot'. Since it takes a lot of conniving from Sunset who in fact turned out to be a nice girl over time away from Celestia, she gets quite heartbroken at how she has to act during the events of the movie, resulting in the whole she-demon phase.
Thanks for the in-depth review, too!
Sequel! Sequel! Sequel! Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!
6567168 I had considered doing a sequel, but couldn't quite make it work at the time. It would have involved the Sirens, but I felt the heroes would have been too overpowered, and the general population of Canterlot High would have been innoculated against mind control, so I set the plot idea aside. With Friendship Games released, it might be doable putting the Sirens and Shadow Six together as villainous allies of opportunity. The other big difference as well would be Sunset wouldn't be calling on Princess Twilight's help at all for obvious reasons.
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It doesn't necessarily have to involve the sirens you know...
A lesson that, ironically, Twilight has yet to learn. And probably never will.
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6572615 It's rather a little bit weird to see this story getting several comments a couple of months after it being published, but that's all good. Since I like to ramble, here's a long comment for you back
As I noted in the author notes, clinging to canon with little deviation was sort of the point, basically an exercise of 'This is what you saw in Equestria Girls, now let me, without changing a single thing that happens on-screen in the film, completely change the whole story'.
The prose is admittedly quite weak, and I don't mind if you make notes of poor parts. Part of the issue was I wrote too many segments out over too many sessions so I lost the feel of one scene while going onto the next scene. The other part was it was the first real piece of writing I've done in two years, so I was out of practice. On its own I'm not too inclined to poke at it much, but if I ever did a story sequel, I would probably rewrite it, going for more heavy-handed in media res by putting the ending scene first (though whether I would do ending > first scene > work up to the ending or ending > work backwards to the beginning is up in the air).
I made a mention of an idea in a previous comment on this story that though this story sticks to the framework of Equestria Girls, a sequel would HEAVILY deviate. All the students would basically have friendship-based magic and Sunset Shimmer wouldn't be attempting communications with Celestia or Princess Twilight, since she DOESN'T want them to know that hey, hundreds of people in this school have magic now thanks to a complicated plan she set up and she wasn't really evil either and she already knew all about friendship (A rewrite of this fic would delve more into her feelings on that, giving her an independent 'make my own path' streak where she basically doesn't want anything to do with Equestria).
Until Friendship Games I entertained the idea of an urban fantasy ala the Persona games, since I felt the Sirens would be too weak to be halfway decent villains against an entire school of students who would be mostly or completely immune to their mind-control. With movie three, however...One of the things that most disappointed me about Friendship Games was that SciTwi was basically a doormat and all-around OK person who just poked her nose too deep and had questionable judgement. Based off the last few seconds of Rainbow Rocks I got kind of the feeling of her being more an actual VILLAIN.
A sequel would basically make SciTwi more of an actual villain/bitch antagonist who fits in with the Shadow Five and have the Sirens joining Crystal Prep. The two sides would team up and make a far better match-up for Sunset and co
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And Princess Twilight would also be able to make an unscheduled visit and basically learn that Sunset actually let her win. Really would like to see how she would react to the fact that she only won because Sunset wasn't even trying.
Also, if you do do that, please have Sunset not be very friendly towards Twilight, because she stole her friends.
6567361 Don't forget Starswirl banished other evils from Equestria to there, some of them pretty bad.
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Man, I know that I just read this story now and late as I can be, but I think that this is one of the most brilliant AU ideas about Equestria Girls I ever heard. If anyone can pull it off, its you!
SciTwi can be a cold, calculating leader of the bunch, caring only about the results and all. For extra magic points, she is actually the true 'headmaster' behind Crystal Prep, as Principal Cinch is just a face for her schemes
The Sirens could always be more sinister.. and maybe throw in some government conspiracy too, since I think it would raise the roof even higher. I mean, some actions in the movie are bound to be seen from areas farther than Sunset's brainwash range, no? Maybe some satelite pictures had captured the final battle and S.M.I.L.E. would like to find out more about it so they send two of their agents to infiltrare the school or something
7136399 I've been contemplating a rewrite, and it may yet be the next large fic I tackle after I'm done my Trixie project.
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Whatever it is, cant wait for it. Enjoying your Trixie's stories too!
Sunset as Prometheus? Okay.
I only ever watched Equestria Girls once, and I'm not a fan of those. Due to my lack of familiarity, the scene at the end, where Twilight is facing off with Sunset felt a little vague to me, but that is because I couldn't remember the other side of it. Even so, there is plenty there to get what's going on.
I think you did a far better job on her master plan. One question I have on your take... If Sunset had been there for years because it made her younger when she came through, why didn't it do the same to Twilight? :)
I love the idea of her feint to get rid of Twilight and have Equestria thinking they'd won, and your style is enough to keep me reading, even if I don't like EQG. I look forward to finding more time to read more of your stories! :)
I just found this because of the recent forum discussion and wow i really enjoyed this. Personally i would really wish for more. That scene when she first became fall formal princess i really loved that and maybe a sort of a pre-quel to this one-shot were we see Sunset life in this version.
7778931 I'm doing a rewrite of this that extends itself past the Fall Formal and combines the events of Rainbow Rocks and Friendship Games (comments on this are down further but of course that would also spoil what I have in mind). Given that this story already majorly changes the plot of EqG, you don't have to worry about the combined RR-FG plot being a rehash of the movies.
7779028 Nice. Just hoping for maybe the sirens being good and the shadow five not so bad. I really liked those characters
Considering ancient myths and such,and going with gaia theory...kinda hope magic was a thing in our world at one time.
Knowing humanity's luck it was and our luck just crapped out resulting in a magically dead planet.
Definitely ba unique plot, not bad at all.