Loss
Celestia looked out over the small town of Ponyville from her spot on the balcony of Twilight’s bedroom. All of the cheer this small town had once been known for was gone and in its place hung an oppressive melancholy. All the colors seemed faded and dull lacking their usual luster. Large black banners hung from the lightposts and every building had a flag of mourning hung by the door. Overhead the skies were overcast with a thin layer of grayish clouds that let loose a small drizzle of rain as though the sky itself was shedding tears like so many of the ponies below.
Celestia turned back to the dreary room, her gaze wandering across the bleak walls and over the unkempt floor, her empty eyes drinking in each detail. The dusty brass telescope glinting in the moonlight, the books sitting beside it flickered in and out of sight with the swaying of the vibrant purple curtains that hung across the entryway to the balcony. Further in she studied at the shelves upon shelves of books and the gaps left by the books left out in Twilight’s haste to make the train. A lump formed in her throat as she saw the golden astrolabe sitting beside the ink stained desk that had been salvaged from wreckage of The Golden Oaks Library, the words engraved on the base she didn’t need to see to know what they said, ‘To my most faithful student. You taught me more wonderful things than can be counted by the stars in the sky. With Love, Celestia.’
With languid steps she moved into the room and closed the balcony doors behind her. Celestia gingerly pulled a photo out from under her wing. Even now looking at the photo no tears would come. Only a feeling of emptiness accompanied the photo. Celestia slowly moved to the bed and laid down with a sigh. Her heart felt hollow, more so than it had ever felt before. When her sister had been banished, she had cried for days. She had felt as though her heart had been torn out and banished to the moon with her. The pain and loneliness that she had been forced to face had been unbearable, but this time was different. There was nothing. Nothing but an empty void in her heart. She was not angry, sad, or hurt...all that existed was the gaping hole left by the passing of her closest friend.
The silence was suddenly broken by a rapid set of knocks echoing through the darkness around her and she gently laid the photo down and looked over towards the door. “Enter.”
The doors creaked open slowly. A small bit of light shone through the door onto Celestia’s face causing her to squint. From the door entered a pure white stallion with a cobalt mane and tail, a single streak of lighter blue running down the center of each. The stallion looked around the room, a large lump forming in his throat before he finally looked at the princess.
“Princess Celestia.” His shaky voice sounded miles away though he only stood across the room from her. Celestia chose not to respond and instead she shifted her gaze elsewhere, waiting for Shining Armor to speak his piece.
The silence grew steadily heavier for Shining the longer Celestia waited. Finally he couldn’t bear it and spoke. “Everypony...everypony, they are worried about you.” He fidgeted, shifting his weight from one hoof to the other. “You haven’t left this room since the incident. You haven’t held court in days. The only time anypony sees you anymore is when you're raising the sun or sitting on the balcony staring out at the horizon, waiting, waiting for her even though you know she will never come.”
Celestia brushed the comment aside, his obvious statement wasn’t worth considering again. “Shining, I am not so foolish as to believe she will return, I know she never will. I know this as surely as I know how to raise the sun.” She looked over at him. “I simply don’t wish to leave this room, there is nothing more to it than that.” Her gaze wandered over the room and wavered when she spotted a familiar fern sitting on the bookshelf beside Shining Armor. Memories of the day Twilight had come to her room to take a clipping from the original fern as a botany project brought the ghost of a smile to her face briefly before it was overwhelmed by sadness.
“But why?” Shining stepped forward and flinched when Celestia’s gaze hardened. Everypony who had tried to come into the room got the same glare. For reasons all her own Celestia refused to let anypony besides herself inside. Whether it was because she wanted to be alone or she was trying to preserve a dying memory, nopony could understand why Celestia had refused entry to the room for anypony but herself. “Why don’t you leave the room? Why won’t you let anyone else go past the door?”
More silence greeted Shining while Celestia looked down at the photo resting on the covers in front of her. A young Twilight stared back at her with a large smile on her face as three weights hovered around her. It was the first time she had passed that particular test. For the briefest moment a smile crossed Celestia face but it vanished as fast as it had come and she flipped the photo over. Attached to the back of the picture of young Twilight was another photo of Twilight at the last Gala they had attended together. Celestia’s wing rested over Twilight’s back and they both had the goofiest grins on their faces. “I don’t want to leave because she is here in this room.” Celestia motioned to the whole room with a wing. “All the mementos, the photos and the smells. This is the last place I can be with her.”
Shining went to step forward and Celestia snapped her eyes to him with a steely gaze, daring him to move any further into the room. “You don’t have to do this to yourself. Everypony knows how hard this has hit you. You don’t need to hide.”
Celestia slowly rose to her hooves, her wings spreading to make her look bigger as she stepped down from the bed. “You accuse me of hiding.” Her voice trembled with rage as she took another step forward. “You dare, after what I did.”
Instead of shrinking back, Shining puffed out his chest and stepped towards her.Staring up at the seething Princess of the Sun, her jaw clenched and nostrils flared a full two feet above him. Shining felt like a small child trying to oppose his parents. But he wasn’t going to back down this time, this time he was going to say it. “You didn’t do anything. No-pony blames you.”
“I do.” Celestia deflated as she spoke and turned away. “I do.” Shining felt his feet leave the floor and noticed a faint magical glow around him. He was pushed back through the doors and Celestia told him to leave her as the doors closed in front of him.
Alone again, Celestia moved back to the bed and paused when she noticed a picture of her and Twilight at Donut Joe’s on the bookshelf. She walked over and took the photo down with a sad smile. “This was after that first Gala with you and your friends. It was such a disaster, but it was one of the greatest Gala’s in centuries.” She put the photo back and went back to the bed to lay down. She closed her eyes, silently wishing for sleep. From the moment she had landed in the burning ruins of the village and saw Twilight’s broken, lifeless form sleep had eluded her. In its place were memories. Memories of her life, their life together when she was young, up through the years until she left. If she continued to try, she would hear her voice reading the friendship reports she had sent in the beginning. Then her voice shifted, dictating more recent letters of their sporadic correspondence following Twilight's ascension.
With her eyes closed Celestia remembered the dark day that had seen the loss of one of the greatest ponies to walk this land since Starswirl the Bearded, a day she had kept herself from thinking about. She remembered getting a letter from Spike saying he felt something was off, explaining how she hadn’t checked in like she promised him since she was going alone. Why hadn’t she listened to his concerns? Why hadn’t she taken them more seriously? He knew Twilight better than almost anypony and yet she brushed it off as Spike simply being overly concerned over nothing.
Celestia’s thoughts were interrupted by the creaking of the door. A soft spoken voice Celestia recognized as Twilight’s mother greeted her cordially. “Princess Celestia, I was wondering if I might have a word.” A nod was all the okay Twilight Velvet received but it was enough. “I want you to know, I have accepted that my daughter is gone. My son tells me not to blame you but I do. You are the reason she is gone.” Twilight Velvet took a deep breath, her nerves refused to loosen but she continued speaking regardless. “If you hadn’t taken her in and trained her she never would have ascended and this never would have happened. But, I also wanted to thank you for everything you did for her.”
Celestia looked over slightly taken back. She had caused the death of Twilight Velvet’s daughter and yet she was thanking her for being so close with Twilight. “Why? Why are you thanking me? I killed your daughter.” Celestia’s voice shook slightly. For the first time she felt her heart stirring and it shook her to her core.
Twilight Velvet shook her head. “No you didn’t, it was whoever she fought in that town. There was nothing anypony could have done to stop her from going. You didn’t give her this castle or that map or tell the map to send her. You had no way of knowing what would happen.” Twilight Velvet bit her trembling lip as she fought back a powerful sob and a torrent of tears. “The only way in which you caused her death was by giving her the wonderful qualities that led her to face this enemy. You did not kill her but you made her the great mare she was, the mare who could face death without flinching. I both hate you for making her the mare she was and I also owe you thanks for inspiring her to the greatness she achieved, even though it led to her death.” With her piece said, Velvet left before she broke down completely.
Celestia was left alone with her thoughts again. What Velvet had said was true, she had inspired greatness in Twilight. This greatness lead her to become the Princess of Friendship and ultimately to face the enemy that brought her down. Didn’t that make it her fault? A little voice inside her mind told her it was but another voice told her she was wrong. Twilight might have taken a different path without Celestia but she always would have become a great mare. She might have lived to be older but Celestia might not have her sister, Discord wouldn’t be reformed, no pony would have noticed something was wrong at Cadence’s wedding.
Twilight was gone but her legacy remained. Everything she had done, all the lives she had touched, all of those things were the hoofsteps she had left behind that others could follow. Celestia hadn’t killed Twilight, she knew that. She may have inspired and nurtured the greatness in Twilight but only because she had seen it from the beginning. Even if Twilight had never become her protege Celestia knew she would have become a great mare. No matter what path Twilight was on Celestia had been destined to lose her. Her only solace was that the path Twilight had walked had been alongside Celestia for a time. Twilight had been in her life, she had been there by her side for years and that was the most important part. Celestia had been able to get close to her and see her grow into a fine mare instead of just continuing on without everything Twilight had given her.
Celestia’s vision began to blur the more she thought about how nothing could change what happened and she started to choke on the sadness building in her throat. Slowly she curled up on the bed, clutching a photo of Twilight to her chest and for the first time she began to cry. All the tears that had been locked away, tucked deep down sprung forth in great rivers of despair. The sobs she hidden and pushed away finally began to wash over in great roiling spasms of heartache for the mare she had lost.
A dark blue wing settled over her as the sobs robbed her of her voice and tears streamed down her face. Where her sister had come from Celestia did not know or care, her mind was consumed with the loss she was finally able to feel. “She’s gone. I will never see her again, I will never get to tell her how much she meant to me.” Celestia grabbed her sister tightly, begging her sister for more strength to weather the emotions now consuming her.
Luna wrapped her sister in a tight embrace, offering her sister what strength she could. The only words Luna could seem to muster were simple platitudes, none of which she felt were right to say. There was nothing that could be said to console her sister, just as there had been no words to offer Equestria in the wake of Twilight’s passing. Rather than give her sister empty words, Luna held her sister tighter.
As they lay in Twilight bed wrapped in each others embrace Luna felt her tears begin again. Slowly she lowered her head until it came to rest against her sister’s neck and she allowed herself to weep openly. Entwined as they were the two sisters cried themselves to sleep, neither of them sure if they could face tomorrow without the mare who had once owned the room they now slept in.
~ ~ ~
Celestia glided down, quieter than a whisper as she gently touched down in the town square. She looked up at the massive statue that had been erected were the fountain had once stood. Seeing Twilight immortalized in purple spinel before her made her throat bob as she swallowed a lump of sadness. Around the statue lay scattered pieces of stone not yet picked up by the sculptors and for a moment they reminded her of the scattered bits of stone she had found around Twilight on that fateful day.
The memories were shaken from her mind as she sat back and stared up at the flawless statue. It had only taken two days to carve the hard gemstone and even more impressive was finding a complete gem so large. Her mind wandered as she remembered holding the broken Twilight in her hooves as she screamed in anguish. Her head hung low and she whispered almost to herself. “I’m sorry Twilight.”
Lifting her head, Celestia locked eyes with the statue. She ruffled her wings and fidgeted under the gaze from the statue; to her it felt like she was being judged. “I tried. I would give anything to be able to go back and save you. I’d listen to Spike and get to your side in time.” Celestia stepped forward and placed a hoof on the base of the statue. “I can’t help but blame myself. Yesterday I...I thought about it after your mom visited me. She told me it wasn’t my fault because I only inspired the greatness in you.”
Celestia paused and dropped her hoof from the statue back to the ground with a gentle thump. “No, she said she blamed me for the wonderful qualities that you embodied that led you down the path. I think she’s only half right, I nurtured those qualities, inspired you to grow them. I think that no matter what path your life had taken, it would have led to greatness.” Celestia sat back and craned her neck to stare into the darkened sky above the statue.
“The only solace I have, the only consolation in all of this is that you were there beside me.” A cold drop of rain hit Celestia’s cheek and trailed over her fur, matting it down. Another drop landed beside her, then another and another. Her eyes drifted closed as the rain poured over her, masking the tears that ran down her face and joined the rain on it’s way to the ground. “You were my everything for so long. I don’t know how I loved you, but I loved you nonetheless. When I was feeling sad, memories of you would bring a smile to my face. If I couldn’t solve a problem your letters would remind me that no problem was too great. If I felt lonely I only had to look at your picture and I would know that if I asked you would come to me.”
A sob wracked Celestia’s body and she collapsed against the statue. Her cries of sorrow mingled with the sound of the rain as she cried for the second time since Twilight had passed. “And now, now my strength is gone. Stolen from me by an ancient enemy hidden right under my muzzle, a vileness I should have sensed long ago. You defeated him and now I have nothing to be angry at.” She punched the dirt by the statue, leaving a muddy dent in the ground. Mud clung to the golden shoe as it was lifted and the rain quickly washed it clean. “You left me nowhere to direct my anger. Now I a have no direction, nowhere to turn nothing to guide me. I can only wander forward aimlessly.”
Celestia’s wings drooped, the tips lying down in the mud as she slipped down the statue to lay in the mud by it’s base. “I am lost now. Without you here to lean on, to remember, to draw strength from, I am adrift in an endless life. I have never felt so hollow before. What were you to me and why does it hurt more than losing even my own sister? I have lost many friends before, even lovers and yet your loss hurts more than any of them did.”
Celestia lifted herself from the ground and smacked the statue. The tink of her golden shoe echoed in the rain as she continued to hit the statue over and over, each strike punctuated with a single word, “Why?” Without noticing, Celestia missed and slumped against the statue. “Please don’t leave me like this Twilight. Send me another letter, come to another gala with me. Come have tea with me again, please, anything. Just don’t leave me.”
Luna landed nearby, her hooves sinking slightly in the muddy earth. Her gaze fell to the small shaking lump by the memorial’s base. Celestia looked so small and fragile lying there in the mud shaking with unrestrained sadness. Luna moved forward slowly, unsure of what to do when she got to her sister’s side. Even from here she could tell how lost and broken Celestia was without Twilight. A twinge of guilt twisted at her heart as she remembered all the times she had teased Celestia about loving Twilight. Wrong or right, Twilight had been one of the most important ponies in Celestia life and now she was gone.
Luna reached her sister and knelt in the muck by her side, extending a wing to shield her from the rain. “Sister.” No response. “Sister, please. Come in from the rain.” Celestia looked up at her sister and dove into her chest. Luna went to speak but found she still had no words of consolation for her distraught sister. So she helped Celestia to her hooves while shielding her from the rain and began to walk her back to Twilight’s old castle.
For a moment Celestia paused but Luna leaned down and nudged her head away from the statue. “She will be there tomorrow. Let us get in out of the rain for now.” Together they continued to the empty castle to wait for the rain to stop and perhaps see the sun shine again.
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Welp, I wasn't using that heart anyway.
nooooooo Twi, you heartless monster
why!?
And you know what's worse, when I started reading it lullaby for a princess started playing
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/15/183754__twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_comic_edit_semi-dash-grimdark_nurse+redheart_implied+cannibalism_ctrl%2Balt%2Bdel_loss-dot-jpg.png
6316871 I fucking knew someone would post this.
Damn the imagery was blowing!
Beautifully done. I felt like I was right there with Celestia the whole time.
6316871 I don't get it
This was really sweet!!
I feel like Shining Armor at a wedding.
Wow, what a spectrum you show in so few words. It's almost like a slow rollercoaster through the impact of a persons death, you have the emptiness , the blame, the grief and the courage that can result.
I think what I enjoy most is that the story doesn't wallow in its attempt to communicate the emotions of its characters. Where iits shown its clear and where its told its brief but has some weight.
If ever I write something to do with loss this is the fic I will look to for an example of how it can be done.
I kinda wanna see what exactly happened to Twi...
Or is there already a story for it and I just missed it?
And the feels were strong in this one
6636290 There is no story or snippet that goes into greater detail on what happened to Twi, that is left up to your imagination.
Did... Did..... Did Starlight Glimmer kill Twilight?
Well it turns out I have some sympathy left in me after all. Wasn't exactly crying more like my eyes were watering, I don't think I have seen a story go into detail with Celestia acting like this after Twilight dies, usually she is cold and simply hides all her emotions behind a mask, but in this story it seems her mask has broken.
I do wonder what Celestia's relationship with Twilight was, was it mother & daughter or was it something more?