• Member Since 15th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

GravelordNito


Join me.

T
Source

Twilight is alone in her castle shortly after the defeat of Tirek, feeling as intimidated by her new-found home as she has been since its sudden appearance. As Twilight indulges in the mountains of books provided by the ruler of Equestria herself, little does she know she is about to receive a very unusual visit from an equally unusual Draconequus.

How will Twilight react to Discord's visit? After all, Twilight is unsure as to whether she has yet forgiven him for his recent betrayal.

Rated Teen for some suggestive themes. Will add tags as it is deemed necessary.

Cover image from Masemj on deviantart.com

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 135 )

"I saw this hanging in someone's library and just couldn't resist it!"

Okay, I'm done with movie references now.

Good to have another Twicord story on the site! Curious to see what Discord's got planned now. *smirks*

This was pretty good for a first fic! I found the first chapter to be cumbersome to read. The sentences themselves just felt . . . awkward to me. I had to read them like 3 or 4 times before I figured out what you meant. I think you need to separate the sentences into several sentences and read them out loud to find the rough bits. That would help capture the readers' attention.

I'll admit, I was disturbed by your author's note on the second chapter.

The story is now much less descriptive than the first chapter, and much more focused on story progression, as my main objective with the first chapter was to set the scene.

Pardon? This is soooo wrong. XDD I can't even . . . NO. Don't think like this! Bad. VERY bad.

Writing should never be quardened off into description, setting the scene, and story progression. It's a common mistake I see with novice or inexperienced writers. If you want to write a story, write it as a tapestry. Every aspect of the story, be it description or "plot" needs to be woven together. Thinking in chunks like that will lead to a gosh awful, choppy mess. The best stories know how to make every chapter important and not just because of plot.

Setting the scene? Well, that should be taking place in EVERY chapter and every scene. Ditto for description. It doesn't have to be super detailed, but it needs to be there throughout. Shoving the majority in the first chapter to "clear the way" is not going to make for an easy read. Plot? Well, plot goes on regardless. Don't be so hasty to "get to the good stuff."

Characterization is every bit as important as plot. So, to say that the story will "really get going" after chapter two is beyond ridiculous to me. The story should have been "going" from the first sentence! Stories aren't just plot. They're characters too. Every chapter, every scene is important because it is an opportunity for characterization and character growth. Rather than viewing the plot chapters as paramount, you should view every chapter as equally important. If you're too focused on plot, you're missing out on a lot that could really help your story stand out and become the best it can be.

Okay, off my soapbox. Characterization is sort of a HUGE deal to me. :pinkiecrazy:

Still, it's a good story so far. I'm looking forward to see where this goes.

Hm... I don't know. Twilight pretty much grew up in an ivory tower, literally, in Canterlot so far as we have any reason to believe in the show so her own castle really shouldn't intimidate her that much with regards to its opulence. Whether that tower was part of the castle grounds or Celestia's school's campus might be debatable but we know that tower was hers from that Moondancer episode. Now the emptiness on the other hand I can see causing one some issues.

youre first story? o.0
wooow this was really good so far
im impressed
and also im excited to see hwhere this goes ^^
#DiscorlightOTP

Not bad, considering this is your first fanfic. Though, I have to agree with Bluegrasse.
6348293
Your sentences tend to be a bit cumbersome. It's not always a bad thing, mind you. But, to improve the readability, try adding semicolons and/or commas. It will improve the quality of your sentences and would make things easier to read and understand.

6348293 You have no idea how much I appreciate long replies which are not afraid to criticize my work, thanks a bunch! :twilightsmile: As you could probably tell, the first chapter was over the top with description/cryptic writing, and thus did not take the story very far, so my comment on story taking off is another way of saying that I am not going to be as cryptic in future. The ironic thing about this is that I put it in a cryptic way :facehoof:. I would sort of call it a test of my boundaries, and I have definitely gone overboard with it. Also, description is going to continue throughout, what I meant was that it is not going to be as ridiculously drawn out as it was in the first chapter, sort of yet again another cryptic poorly written reiteration. :twilightsheepish:

Yes, I have always had a problem with my sentence structure. I am studying history and philosophy at AS level, and every essay I ever write tends to be filled with sentences which stretch to ridiculous lengths and lack proper punctuation, thus making the actual point and meaning behind each sentence hard to work out, and making them seem cryptic/outright poorly written.

I was dubious in writing this story to begin with, this is because I knew I was going to struggle to express Discord's character, since he has certain airs about him which are difficult to express through writing. And on top of this I doubt I am imaginative enough to come up with antics reminiscent of those he performs on the show. However I decided to go forward with it because I like the Twicord ship (I actually like 3 different Discord ships, I know, crazy right?) and took getting Discord's character down as a challenge rather than letting it deter me from writing it.

What said, "good stuff", is going to be I am not yet sure of, I have a problem when it comes to thinking of what is going to happen next. I know what I have planned as the general plot, and I can imagine this story taking a while to complete, but I honestly am not entirely sure yet how this night alone is going to turn out. :twilightoops:

Once again thanks so much for the time you spent on analysing my amateur story, and I would love to hear from you again,

Lots of Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6349546 As I said to Bluegrass, I have always had a problem with making my sentences awkward to read and take WAY too long to get to my actual point, the sooner I remedy this the better. :derpytongue2:

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my story and comment thus far,

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6349250 Yes, well the thing with her being a bit overwhelmed by her new living environment I have based off of Season 5 Episode 3: "Castle Sweet Castle", where she claims to not be comfortable in her new home. It doesn't contribute too much to the story, however I think she may eventually come to enjoy Discord's company in the castle, if you know what I mean :twilightblush:

I can't thank you guys enough for your time,

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6349361 Haha thanks a lot, praise is nice to receive as well as criticism, I'm so glad you have enjoyed it so far, and I hope I can write it well enough for you to continue to enjoy the rest of it. :twilightsmile: I understand that my first story is going to be far from a masterpiece, and there are going to be a good few people who dislike what I have written. However, my aim is to improve my skills as a writer for the site and hopefully make my future stories better than this one, especially that first chapter. :twilightoops:

Thanks so much for your time and praise,

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6349881
Ah, I can understand that. You are most welcome as well. I do love me some Discolight.

Nice! It's improved since last chapter. That I can see.

I loved your ideas for Discord's decorations! Those were very clever and super fun. Don't know why, but you make Discord so adorable. Like a little kid wanting to wooo his crush. :rainbowkiss:

As far as something to work on goes, your descriptions were a little dry.

For example, this . . .

The curtain supports could not support the chipboard blocks, so they simply hung in the air in front of the windows. They span in a clockwise motion, and then an anti-clockwise motion, swapping direction in short intervals and turning at varying speeds. He considered flipping the castle upside down and/or causing it to spin randomly, however he realised that this would be too much. He couldn't get carried away, or Twilight would not be impressed.

Might be more engaging if you put even more of Discord's opinion in there. Like, having some similes or metaphors that only Discord would think of. That sort of thing. Just a thought . . . Really depends on your writing style and preferences.

P.S. Added the story to some groups for you.

6351970 Thanks for coming back my friend. Yes, I tried to be as imaginative as possible, however cheese and wine may be a little too standard... At least I tried to introduce the cheese in an interesting way... Right? :pinkiesad2: I have always lacked an active imagination, this is why Discord's character is quite a challenge for me. And so my descriptions were hard to get right, I knew what I sort of wanted, but I executed it poorly at best.

Yes, Discord is most certainly trying to impress his crush, I purposefully held his exact intentions until this chapter, however I suspect they may have been obvious from the get-go. How Twilight will respond I think I already know, but I aint telling. Let's just say, I am not rushing this story :twilightsheepish:, Twilight's approval is going to have to be earned. :twilightangry2:

And thank you for putting this in some groups for me, I totally forgot to do that myself :twilightblush:

I really appreciate your time and input,

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6353321 Ahah, well I'm not sure what my next story will be yet, I'm still nowhere near finished with this one. I expect it to be a rather lengthy story, so stick around if you feel like reading the rest. I'm glad you like the story so far. :twilightsmile:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

getting better and better here ^^
love it !

Definitely lighter in the sentence quantity. It's good to see you've improved so quickly. Keep up the good work. I am thoroughly enjoying this story and am looking forward to future chapters. :twilightsmile:

6354979 Thank you very much, I hope I can keep up the quality. However, I can imagine me having some ups and downs in this respect as I learn to become a better writer and gain consistency.

If ever you notice in future that my quality has gone down and/or I return to any bad habits, please do not hesitate to let me know. I can take any amount of criticism, and do my best to learn from it! :twilightsmile:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

Keep up the good work! Liking where the story is going. :pinkiesmile:

haha awesome ^^
its not gonna be easy for him i guess haha

Oh, Gosh, I haven't seen Discord so nervous and awkward before and Twilight so..... stone-cold :rainbowlaugh:

6368141 Well, it's going to take time for her to warm up to him I guess, I definitely do not want to rush this story, I have plenty planned yet. :twilightsmile:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

Oh my stars! So sorry I missed this chapter! Got buried in the sea of messages. :facehoof:

[Looks at comments] Why is no one commenting? Sheesh, people! They need to get on it . . .

Soooo, anywho. The chapter, yes.

It was fun, and I like where you're going with the story. Discord is so adorkable in this. [Squeee!] *Ahem*

Though you say you're taking it slow, I find your pacing is a little too fast actually. :twilightblush: Not plot pacing, but emotional pacing which I consider to be every bit as important. Rather than setting up the emotions early and building on them, you seem to be introducing new ones each chapter. That's really off-putting to me.

I kind of expect the author to focus on the underlying emotions from the getgo. For instance, Discord's uncertainty with Twi's reaction. You could hint at that a bit more strongly early on to set up for this scene. Same with Twilight. Hinting at her unresolved anger towards Discord and why she reacts the way she does rather than the immediate cause of her reactions. If that makes sense. I have trouble making sense as I run my ship by feel . . .

I felt the characterization for Twilight was a little off here. Like, this bit.

"One can never tell what will happen with you around, Discord. Plus, what makes you think I would want to spend time with you? I have not forgotten about your recent betrayal, Discord, and it's going to take a lot more than a medallion to gain back the trust I'm not even sure I had for you in the first place!"

Yeah, that's just not Twilight. Really, she wouldn't say something like this without good solid reasoning. These are the sort of ideas that should be hinted at via thoughts and narration rather than via dialogue. I very much doubt Twilight would be this mean to Discord and call him out to his face. She knows how guilty he feels, as do all the Mane 6. Rubbing salt in the wound isn't exactly her style. He'd REALLY have to piss her off before this would happen.

The dialogue had me cracking up.

"this is much less severe a change than I thought it was going to be, I was planning on incinerating you if it was too much."

WHAT? :rainbowlaugh: Is she 1800's British aristocracy now? Sorry, just . . . this is waaaaay too formal. Oh my stars. I doubt she'd talk like this EVER. Unless she was trying to sound snooty or acting in a play or something. Then the part about her incinerating him! :rainbowlaugh: This might just be me, but I don't see Twilight saying that so casually.

:moustache: "Oh, yes, quite a lovely set-up, I do declare. Tis fortunate for you. I had my men ready to torch this chateau if you had gone over the top."

Sorry. I enjoy teasing people a little too much.

In all seriousness, it was a super cute chapter. I like to see how much Discord's trying to impress her. You just make him so gosh darn lovable. I wanna pinch his little draconequus cheeks! *Ahem* Yes, yes. An excellent advancement to the story. I look forward to more in the future!

6372831 Ahah you are making me blush a bit :twilightblush:, you never cease to amaze me with the time you put into your analysis and replies to my story, I can't thank you enough.

I think the reason other people haven't brought this up is because no one else is quite as helpfully picky as you :moustache:. About my pacing, I should have set emotions earlier on I admit yes, however I believe that since I plan on stretching the story out, emotions will soon become clear. Discord, as you can tell, is crushing on Twilight at the moment, which you readers seem to find adorable :twilightsheepish:. Whether or not this will blossom further, you will have to wait and see :rainbowkiss:. And so, *obvious spoiler is obvious* Discord in particular will have to work to change these emotions, thus making the true feelings of each character have to be realised over an extended period. Unless of course, you think it is wrong of me to do this, then I can come up with another plan.

The idea I am building up is that Twilight does not have any kind of warm feelings towards Discord, setting up the plan for him to gain her approval. However, I may have gone overboard and made her seem nasty at some points, which you thankfully pointed out to me. After thinking about it a little more, I remember that Twilight actually decided to release Discord from Tirek as one of her friends, even after his betrayal. In summary, she would probably not be as cold to him as I have made her be in the story so far. I'll have to tone it down a bit, you are right once again :twilightsmile:.

I may not have made it clear, but Twilight was not being serious about the incineration. For one, she wouldn't have the ability to do so anyway, and also, she believes she is playing mind games with him, since she thinks he is plotting against her again. Despite this, it is my fault for making the reader believe she is being serious about this, as I have set her character up as being overly cold. I certainly have made a mistake with Twilight's character! It seems I underestimated the effort it would take to get her right, since I was so busy worrying about getting Discord's character down. I thought she would not be too difficult, and that I was going to struggle with Discord, I'll have to focus more on her character in future :facehoof:.

I love how much you are putting into helping me improve, if you are this picky, then your stories must be awesome! I can't wait to read them, you have stories on some of my favourite ships :heart:.

Once again, thank you so much for all you are doing to help me out on this story,

Lots of Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6408626 Thank you very much, you guys commenting on my story and giving me praise is an amazing feeling, there is little that is as rewarding as this. Expect the next chapter soon. :twilightsmile:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

[Hugs] The characterization here. WONDERFUL. Much, much better than before! :pinkiehappy: I'm really enjoying how you wrote this one, particularly Discord. I'm a character-driven author myself, so I find the focus on Discord's thought process and reasoning far more intriguing than their actual dinner. Is that bad? Anywho, I enjoyed this one all the more because of it. ^^

Argh. See, now you're getting good enough, I can't give you super detailed responses. :raritydespair: But I will try. :scootangel:

The main issue I noted (and it's really not all that bad) was that you're dialogue and thoughts were sometimes too formal for the characters. Didn't matter much with Discord. I myself always write him formal at least where serious matters are concerned. Twilight is a different story.

Does he want to claim my heart, only to tear it out of my chest and destroy my resolve? Surely he has truly learned his lesson, and therefore would not do something so cruel?

This is waaaay too formal. Perhaps Discord might ask himself this, but not Twi. Too many heavy words and not enough contractions. "Surely" for example is a word I only use for Tia, Luna, and Discord.

Okay, that's about it for that. I can do editing stuffs now. Wooo.

After having teetered on the verge of Oblivion for several moments,

Oblivion should be lower case.

Is there a big misunderstanding going on here? Thought Discord, how am I to make her understand my feelings without seeming too forward?

You don't need the "thought Discord part." Because it's in italics, the fact that he's thinking is implied. And h needs to be capitalized.

Why, Twilight, I do believe you to be rather a large fanatic for books of all kinds.

Reads off to me. Like, the sentence doesn't flow right. "you to be" seems funky.

The delightful pangs of success tickled Discord's sides, along with a pleasant tweak in his recently revived heart, as he felt overwhelmed with gratitude due to the adorable display he had just witnessed.

Charles Dickens sentence (aka run-on sentence). I'd break that bad boy up.

That's all I could find. I suck at grammar. X3

In response to your question. Stop. Just stop. I worried about the same thing when I was writing This Cruel and Random World. But I'm telling you now, you don't want to write to fill a word quota. Each scene and each chapter is different. You need to let the characters and the given situation dictate the chapter length. Some chapters need to be longer, some need to be shorter. If you're accomplishing all you want to, then by gosh, it can be as short/long as you need it to be.

Just for perspective, TCARW's chapters are all over the place. I have 2k, 3k, 5k, 6k, and 10k word chapters. Heck, I had TWO ten-thousand word chapters back to back and the next one after that was only like 3k. So don't sweat it. If the story needs it, you go as long as you want or as short as you want.

Looking forward to the next installment!

:heart:

— Bluegrass

6413711 Haha thank you once again, some people cannot help their grammar no matter what they do. :twilightsmile: And as for an editor, I'm afraid I don't really know what to suggest, because I don't use an editor anyway and thus cannot recommend anyone to you, sorry about that. :ajsleepy:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6412560 Hi there! Glad to see you in the comments section of my story once again! Wow, all this praise is rewarding, but I have to be careful not to let it get to my head, I appreciate criticism on the same level as I do praise, is that weird? :twilightoops:

Yes, I took your advice on board about characterisation, and I think that at least for this chapter I have decently pulled it off, if I don't say so myself. :twilightblush: In particular, you probably noticed that I focused massively on describing the way Discord was reacting to the situation, intentionally dragging out the moment in order to achieve a desired effect. Looks like I succeeded! :pinkiehappy:

I will be completely honest with you when I say that Twilight's thoughts and dialogue seemed too formal at times to me as well, it definitely crossed my mind more than once during the writing of this chapter, thank you for pointing that out and confirming my suspicions. I was just trying a bit too hard (it seems) to not make her too casual, as she is an intelligent and dignified princess, of course. :twilightsheepish: Still need to straighten up her character, but I didn't make her too cold in this chapter, did I?

As for my grammar, I have never had too many major problems with it, however I am glad you pointed out those faults to me, I'll edit the chapter and patch those up asap. I will also admit that I am often dubious about my use of speech marks and paragraphing around said speech marks. I always wonder where to put commas, where to put full-stops, where to use capitals and where not to use them etc. However, I don't think I have yet messed up too much in that department, I still think it is readable enough to stay as it is.

Thanks for the advice in regards to my question, I'll make sure I write each chapter for as long as it feels right to, stopping when, and only when, it feels natural to do so.

Ever grateful for all you do for me, aiding me on my path to completing my first story,

Lots of Love from Lord Nito :heart:

I start to question what interesting/awkward/(probably not important) scene would you write for the morning :applejackconfused:
Surely enough, this fic is awesome and I love how quickly Discord can pull himself from the awkward goof to the tricky demon :pinkiecrazy:
Keep the great work, my friend! :rainbowkiss:

6414761 Haha, well you will have to wait and see to find out what happens. :twilightsheepish: Thank you for the continued support, it makes writing this fic all the more interesting and fun for me. I am always excited to see what people think of my work, and having people such as yourself genuinely enjoy what I have produced is simply amazing. :twilightsmile:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

Not bad. Not bad at all. It's nice to see Discord's struggling to confess his feelings. It proves that he's just as vulnerable to emotions as anyone. At least, he was able to confess before his confidence caved in. This is definitely getting interesting. Looking forward to future chapters.

6417694 Thanks, I'm glad you like it, :twilightsmile: I won't make you wait as long for the next chapter this time hopefully, but I'm SO busy now I'm back at school. :twilightoops:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

...............................................................pervert.
DIscord, you´re funny because you´re a sin against nature

oh my goooooooooood amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing
cant waaaaaaaaaait

6460264 I'll take that as a sign that you liked the chapter? :twilightsmile: I'll admit that I have taken a risk, and it is my first time writing anything of this nature, so it could have gone terribly wrong. :twilightoops:

Thanks for the continued support, however, look out for the next chapter, I'm already working on it! :twilightsheepish:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6458864 Haha, Discord is no more a pervert than I am, after all, I wrote the chapter! :twilightblush:

Nice to see more people giving my story attention, and I hope you continue to enjoy it in the future!

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6461008 it´s disapointing the lack of Discolight fics so any fic is welcome

I'd like to see Discord kind of maybe -burning that towel as soon as possible. Yup. EVIL TOWEL!!!! :twilightangry2: Also, I don't get it, aren't ponies ALWAYS naked!? I am pretty sure if he caught her in a proper sitting or lying down position he would see what he wishes, hehe..... :pinkiecrazy: Loved this but I don't get how Discord decided that it would turn out completely different than this if he just walked in the bathroom with a plate of pancakes......... Must note, Discord was on slight creepy levels....... a bit...... Still awesome, thoe :rainbowdetermined2:

6461751 Yeah, they are always naked, but she was in a particularly "awkward" position at that point in time, pretty cliché. :twilightoops: Discord didn't know he was walking into a bathroom, he was way too focused on delivering his creation he was oh-so proud of to her. :facehoof: When one is infatuated with someone else, it is often hard not to become a little creepy, especially in situations like this one! :twilightblush:

As I have said, this was my first attempt at writing anything of this nature, and I have eagerly been anticipating the response I would receive. It does not look as though it went down as badly as I thought it would. That ending was more of a little skit than anything particularly important, written purely for your entertainment! :twilightsmile:

Lots of Love from Lord Nito :heart:

6461792 I am expecting next chapter Twilight to pretty much blast him outta the castle :rainbowlaugh:
But it was going so well!!!

6461812 Well you'll have to wait and see how things turn out, for all you know, anything could happen. :twilightsheepish: I would say it would be even more cliché if Twilight were to just simply get angry and throw him out. I might do that, or I might be a little more original. :raritywink: I focused on describing thought processes and character emotions in this chapter. However, I unfortunately feel that the rest of the chapter may be a little over shadowed by the rather sudden turn of events towards the end, which I can picture everyone focusing on. It was just a little stunt! Honest! :twilightoops:

6461852 I kinda didn't get what was Discord even doing while carrying the pancakes :rainbowhuh:
First he was on the ceiling or something and then on the floor and I didn't quite absorb that :twilightblush:

6462883 He was on the ceiling through the halls on the way to the bedroom, but he skipped a staircase with his magic and approached the door in a regular fashion. :twilightoops:

By the way, have you written your story yet? If not, how is that coming along?

6463475 Yeah, sorry, kinda busy with school and if not school, Steven Universe had the most ADORABLE :rainbowkiss: episode ever, oh, and I am taking a few art requests, oh, that reminds me, I was asked to draw another ship-pic......... Meh, I DID say I was gonna do it today.... :twilightsheepish:

6463512 Don't worry, I know how it feels to experience distractions, however if you are busy drawing art, then continue with that, drawing is as much an art as writing.

I was actually hoping for more of a response to the chapter than this, I was expecting outraged readers to tell me how I failed at my first attempt at writing something of this nature. However, I haven't had that yet. :pinkiesad2: It's frustrating because I need harsh criticism to be able to know what I did wrong and what I should correct for the next time I do something like this. I feel I cannot continue writing without first receiving a critique on my previous chapter first. :facehoof:

Well, it doesn't matter, people will hopefully tell me what they think as time passes by, I cannot expect a tonne of people to read and spend the time to criticise my story when not only do I have no publicity, but I also should not expect anyone that reads it to spend the time and effort to give their full thoughts on it. :twilightoops:

If you wouldn't mind, could I see some of your artwork sometime, maybe? :twilightblush:

Love, Lord Nito :heart:

6463524 First: I........... ummm... about the artwork? Well, I dunno. I usually draw mine and my friend's own hand-full of OCs :twilightblush:, these days I have been drawing Twilight's and Discord's (seperately, I am still trainning my Discord's) in my notebook durring the four classes of English (as in the language) I have a day. Also, I think I facinated a friend into learning how to draw ponehs, wow..... :twilightoops: And as always, posting from three to five bases/offers for people on Google+...... And I am proud of my last night work, first time drawing free-style Peridot (Heck, first time drawing Peridot even!) by looking up some base stuff...... (Like, what forms do I use for torso and underbelly and also looking at some random pictures to make all the details on costume and hair........) Anyways, rambling again....... :twilightblush:
Second: I am sorry friend but I simply cannot be....... 'harsh' to someone without a reson.... Yeah, if he or she is rude or something but you are a little nice cinamom roll that even puts a heart on the end of every message he sends! If that is not adorable, I don't what is...... Oh, wait, tiny Perri is just as adorkable, also pancake Twily and...... getting outta track......
Anyways, for some reason I kept getting the creeper feeling outta Discord, a bit..... But it was in that kind of way in which you laugh a bit at your screen and go "Lol, 'Cord, you're such a creep!" :rainbowderp:

6463537 Hey there again! It's nice to hear you are so active with your drawing, because it is unfortunately something I never have and never will be able to do. The reason for this is because I have some circulatory problems with my body which cause my hands to shake whenever I try and do something precise with them. Every time I use a soldering iron, I burn myself because I literally shake like a tambourine whilst trying to use it. :twilightoops: It really hurts! :twilightangry2: So instead f drawing, I make do with writing now, and I'm so glad I started doing it, it's so rewarding to write stories and receive feedback from people. You can look at your piece and say, "hey, I wrote that, I'm a freaking genius!" even if you aren't very good at it, since it is your creation, no one else's. This feeling I suspect applies to drawing too, which is why I am (sort of) totally OK with not being able to do it.

It's awesome to hear you are proud of your work, we both know how it feels to be pleased with ourselves in this respect. You got a real life friend to share your passion with? That's great, I'm so pleased for you! :twilightsmile: As I said, I have no real life friends, and even if I did I'm pretty sure none of them would be like me. :pinkiesad2: A.K.A, willing to write saucy fan-fictions about characters from a kids' show and ending the majority of their messages with a heart. :twilightblush: Most 16 year old guys think they are "too cool" for that, however I believe in the goodness of this community, and I think we should all love and respect one another. It just feels so good to spread love and kindness with people who deserve it. You understand me on that one, right? :twilightsheepish:

Ah, this is so embarrassing, you have no idea how my relatives or acquaintances would react to knowing that I'm actually kind of warm and mushy inside my seemingly cold shell of an exterior. I have always considered myself a hopeless, idealistic romantic, but I have told that to no one outside of the internet community. :facehoof: Okay, I'm getting cheesier with every word I type down, so I'm going to have to stop. :twilightsheepish:

It's totally ok, I don't expect you to critique me anyways, I'm sure other people will be willing to do so anyway, I'm just grateful that you are here to read my stories, and I'm also grateful to be able to call you a friend. :twilightblush: You said I was adorable again! And a cinnamon roll, no less! :rainbowkiss: That's so nice of you to say that, no one has ever said anything like that to me before, ever.

Anyways, I have talked for a little too long, I love talking to you and hope you continue to enjoy my work,

Lots of Love from Lord Nito :heart:

6464046 Stop! You're giving me heart attacks with your adorable and rare personality! To be honest..... I think I have an adorable Twily pic for you..... :trollestia:
Oh, wow.... :rainbowderp: I'm sorry for your condition.... I hope it doesn't get in the way of some basic chores?
To be honest, my family (mostly my dad) has a few times said something of the sort "Why do you have ponies on your computer?" and I am taking it steady introducing them to that I draw ponies by putting pony-related desktops on my computer, drawing stuff infront of them, leaving my papers with drawings pretty much laying all over the house.... Yesterday was a good sucess, because my mother saw my new Facebook pic (not that I use FB that often. Just the only way to conect to classmates and choir...) that was a Peridot looking at a cat and asking "Is that a weapon" and because my mom has learned a bit English but doesn't remember much asked me what does "weapon" mean so I told her and explained her the context. Even showed her part of the episode. Later on I drew my Peridot and I decided to show it to my mom since she was already familiar with it. She liked it and stuff and her words were kind of.... "You draw good and you should probably keep practising if you like it but, of course, don't forget about school." I remember times I have tried to show them my pony pictures but the answer was "I don't really understand it, I can't really help you." and such.....
I would advice you to make friends with people around you? I don't know, this year I started highschool in a new school and I am just saying 'yes' on everytime someone asks me to join them or get in the conversation and such.... For a while I have been going to Batminton trainnings and, to be honest, you can get into some interesting conversations while running 5 laps, passing the fether or doing crunches on the floor :rainbowlaugh:
Anyways,
Alot of jokes :trollestia: and Twilight's :twilightsmile: ,
Your faitfull student, Twili Your friend, Dissy :twilightsheepish:

6464109 Thank you for your kind words as always, you know me, I kind of... sort of really like Twilight. :twilightblush:

It is only a minor condition which doesn't require any medical attention, I just have to live with it. It mostly does not interrupt my day-to-day life, however I cannot let my hands hang by my sides for too long, I cannot play bat-related sports, and I cannot stay out for too long in cold weather, because all of these things cause my fingers to swell up due to the lack of decent circulation. It is not really that bad, I just can't draw or anything like that, although I would really like to, since my 2 passions in life are anime and ponies. :twilightsheepish: Oh well, can't have it all.

I could not tell anyone about my pony obsession, I have only been into ponies for about a year, if not a little longer. The reason I cannot tell anyone can easily be explained. Firstly, I don't get along with my parents in general, at all. My dad hates the fact that all I do with my free time is play games, all we ever do is argue with each other when we are in each other's presence. The funny thing about this is that that is not a fact at all. In actual fact, I do not play games often at all, I spend about 5% of my time doing that. Most of my time is spent either watching ponies, watching anime, or reading fan-fictions etc. I just could not bring myself to tell him that I am also into all of this, because he would realise that I am actually even more sad and cut-off than he initially thought, and I am afraid that he would disown me (this is probably me being paranoid and extreme, but I'm not willing to risk it).

My mum and step-dad have thrown me out of the house several times already, we do not see eye-to-eye at all. However, I don't think telling my mum and step-dad would be so bad, they would probably just mock me about it, I am much too shy and embarrassed about it to put up with that. I have a massive problem with being laughed at or silently judged by those around me, hence why I cannot go shopping for the things I really want in life. I have been into anime a lot longer than I have ponies, I have been into anime since I was 11, so 5+ years. I still have yet to tell a soul outside of the internet about either. So therefore, if I cannot pluck up the courage to tell anyone about my anime addiction, I sure as hell am not telling them about ponies, as ponies can be even more easily misunderstood, and is a much more sensitive subject.

It is pure hell not being able to tell anyone, because I have always really wanted someone to talk to about the things I love, and to share my love of it with them. I hear guys having conversations about football, (or soccer, if you want to call it that) and I can't bare to listen to them, because of the strong sense of envy I feel. I wish I had people I could talk about things I like with, I couldn't give a damn about football. Football seems to be the only thing those surrounding me are interested in. Hell, I can't even find a girl who likes anime or ponies to talk to, and who would respect me more for sharing that interest. The main reason I can't is because not only could I never talk to a girl no matter how hard I tried, but I also go to an all-boys school, and therefore have not spoken to a girl my age even once since I was 10.

Problems, problems, problems. :facehoof: However, despite all this, life isn't too bad overall, because I am happy enough to just sit in my room alone all day every day talking to people like you over the internet. :twilightsmile: On the internet I am understood. On the internet, I am accepted for who I am.

I cannot make friends with the people around me because we share nothing in common at all, and I am a little different from everyone else in a fair few ways. For example, I am known by pretty much all 1000+ boys at my school (I am famous for all the wrong reasons) as "the stoner" because of the way I look. I won't go into details, but the pupils of my eyes are always dilated and my eyelids struggle to open fully. I also have probably the deepest voice in the country, which doesn't help at all either...

So, that's why I can't make friends. Don't be concerned about me though, I promise you, I am perfectly happy talking to people like you over the internet, and it is probably all I will do for the rest of my days.

My parents aren't concerned about my grades at all, because my grades are pretty much perfect, (not meaning to brag) for me, my schoolwork comes before everything.

Looking forward to conversing further in the future (but I would advise we take it to private message from now on),

Lots of Love from Lord Nito :heart:

6464418 Private message it is! To be honest, I now felt awkward writing whole paraghraphs that aren't really related to the story :twilightblush:

6458864 I write a lot of Twicord/Discolight if you're looking for some to read! Lots . . . :pinkiecrazy:

* * * * * *

Anywho, Nito,

Lands above. Sorry for taking so long to read this! I am a horrible friend! :raritydespair:

Just have to focus . . . :rainbowdetermined2:

So, it was an interesting chapter. I didn't think the quality was as good as the previous chapter, but it's better than the first to be sure.

The flow of this one is probably what got me. It felt choppy and the thoughts did not flow quite into the actions as they should. The pancake thing for instance felt weird as did the shower bit. When I read Discord's reaction to seeing Twi, I was all . . . "What? Seriously? That's not even that big of a deal." But, I could have read that wrong.

I did like Discord's characterization. It's interesting to see how he rationalizes the situation and you do an excellent job of showing the twisted logic his world runs on. I thought Twi's was still a little stiff, but a better than last chapter. You are improving there!

Lots of little grammar errors this time around. Time for instance, is like quantity in narration and should be written out rather than with numbers. For example, "six-thirty" or "seven o'clock." I'm not sure about your bolding words. Generally in professional fiction we don't do that, but it might just be a stylistic preference. I personally use italics to add emphasis.

Some sentences simply did not make sense, so you might want to go back and read the chapter out-loud to catch those bad boys.

Sorry my comments are so vague. :fluttershyouch:

Still an awesome story! Keep it up. ^^

6474505 Yay! You made it! :twilightsmile:

Finally getting some of the criticism I was looking for, I need to know what I'm doing wrong, but no one except you seems to tell me. :twilightsheepish: Thank goodness you are picky. :twilightblush:

Alright, I knew I was taking a risk writing like this, but it seems like I didn't mess it up half as badly as I thought I would. :twilightsheepish: There are definitely some things to improve though as you say, I almost took things a bit far with trying to focus more on character interaction than actual happenings. I wanted to be as inventive as I could to keep it interesting, but this in turn has (in a sense) bitten me in the behind. However, I will obviously improve at writing things like this the more I do it, I just need the practice. It seems more proof-reading is in order than I thought, I must have missed a few things. Don't worry, I'll try my best to find them and make it flow a bit better.

I'm really trying my best with Twilight, I need to round her character off somehow. I'll have to do some more reading of my own to get a better idea of how to actually put her character across. I have watched the show enough times to know it, but I am having issues getting it down in my story... I'll get there eventually.

Thanks for giving me a much-needed critique, I really appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

Lots of Love from Lord Nito :heart:

Login or register to comment