When Fluttershy finds a strange creature in the Everfree she can tell he's in a pain and decides to watch over him. At the same time dangerous creatures start attacking Ponyville. Are the two events linked?
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 13th May, 2015
- offline last seen January 28th
Ultimate Mayhem
Kamen Rider Zi-O! Grand Time! Kuuga, Agito, Ryuki, Faiz, Blade~! Hibiki, Kabuto, Den-O, Kiva, Decade~! W, OOO, Fourze~! Wizard, Gaim, Drive~! Ghost! Ex-Aid! Build~! Iwae! Kamen Rider~! Gra~nd~ Zi-O~!
Ultimate Mayhem
Joined 13th May, 2015 ·
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Okay, right off the bat, I see two issues that need addressing.
Firstly: you need an editor, pronto. There are a ton of spelling and grammatical mistakes throughout the chapter. There are too many for me to go into in great detail here, but they're mostly related to punctuation. I'd suggest finding an editor from one of the many editor's groups here, or failing that, copying and pasting your text into Microsoft Word will pick up most of the errors.
Secondly: you do a lot of telling as opposed to showing. For example:
What did Twilight say in the letter? What did Celestia and Luna say when they met her at the hospital? What questions did they ask about the creature? What it was, where it came from? There's a ton of details here that you pretty much just kicked to the kerb. The more descriptive you can be, the better.
In short, an okay idea, but it needs a lot of polishing.
Oh, I almost forgot:
6315349 Thanks for the advice. The thing about guessing was mostly because I had forgotten the detail that I had actually meant to write this as being after Equestria Girls which I imagine would mean she'd know about humans. As for the reason I didn't specify what was written in the letter I didn't put it for two reasons.
One because it seems fairly self explanatory. They didn't know anything about it other than it was in the Everfree and covered in blood so retelling something that didn't put Equestria in immediate danger seems pointless.
Two because I'm not entirely sure how to write letters in a manner that make them sound Twilightish. Most of the time when I try to write them they seem....like she's baked for some reason.
As to what the Princesses said when they arrived I thought it'd be obvious that the immediate concern would be its well being before anything so they'd go with a How is it?
Thank you for being blunt. I really appreciate it
I like the idea here, waiting for the next chapter.
Does he need to be as overpowered?
So, they're doing everything in their power to strip Blueblood of everything in his life for the sin of having been rude at some point?
... And they're supposed to be the good guys?
Yeah, no. The rules are total bullsh*t. We know Shawn will win because he's an overpowered human OC, there's no chance in hell this story would allow for anything else. And on top of that, they stack things in favour even more by having Shawn face basically no risk whatsoever but Blueblood's life will be destroyed whether he accepts or not. Celestia might as well just come out and banish him, if not for the opportunity of Shawn looking like a "badass" when he beats Blueblood up. That's what it's going to be, isn't it?
And that's after he cursed him with horrible nightmares. Again, for being slightly rude. And nopony minds.
You know what? They're the villains here. They're being horrible people, and no, the story doesn't prove what they're doing isn't horrible. In fact, Shawn hated Blueblood as soon as he saw him. That's how little sense things make. At this point, I'm hating Celestia and Shawn more than Blueblood, because while he's rude, they're downright evil.
Author, please note how your characters are acting. Consider this: If Shawn snapped at somepony and that pony would try to haunt his dreams and destroy his life in return, would you think that's reasonable, fair, or even remotely good?
7841671 First up: Thanks for the review
Second: He's stronger than normal but he does have more than a few weaknesses.
Third: He's not technically human anymore.
Fourth: That thing with blueblood was the reason I took as long as I did to post it. I had actually completely forgotten about it but I think I do have a way to use it. Thanks for pointing it out.
Fifth: The source of that whole duel thing was that his people felt that matters of honor were best settled in duels like in the dark ages....I think. I'm getting off track. I will confess I dislike him and feel they should have an episode where he either gets beaten or eaten and that's what I was thinking about that when I first wrote it but that was why I wasn't sure about it. Too....personal i guess.
Anyway thanks for pointing it out. You gave me a perfect idea for this story so Arigatou. Hopefully the detail will help it....though knowing how I write it might make it confusing. Anyway who's reading this and is interested in the plot I am adding one thing. Sachiko-san.