Jaegerbombs and Tiaras

by Bakmah Genesis

I swear to drunk I'm not god

Why was the sun so loud? Celestia groaned as she threw her hooves over her eyes, mumbling as she tried to adjust herself. Her bed felt oddly smaller and stiff. She ignored it, trying to sleep off her hangover.

Before she could do such a thing, she could make out groggy voices calling out to her. Soon, they grew in intensity and made her headache grow into a steady throb. She let out a small growl as she sat up, removing her hooves from her eyes.

The mare blinked as she found herself surrounded by a bunch of guards and ponies dressed in long flowing clothing. Looking around, she could see that she was in what looked like a throne room, explaining the ponies in robes. She groaned as her headache came back causing her to rub at her temples to try and rid herself of the pain.

She froze as she felt her hoof hit something on her forehead. Rather, something attached to her forehead. She felt around the object that seemed jut from her head.

“What the fuck…” She shifted uncomfortably. Something moved behind her. Looking back, she was greeted by a large set of alabaster wings. Before she could react, the object that was settled on her head slid off onto the floor next to her.

She took a deep breath before looking down, staring at the golden tiara that had fallen. She stared at it blankly, her still hungover mind slowly catching up to her.

“What the fuck?!” shouted Celestia, falling out of her throne in complete shock. The ponies surrounding her watched her with curiosity.

“Is she really the one who saved us all?” asked one of the guards. The unicorn in the robe scoffed.

“Of course she is. She is probably exhausted from the battle and does not fully remember her deeds.” The guard raised an eyebrow.

“She sure as hell smells a lot like a tavern than she does a hero who saved Equestria.” He looked over to see Celestia staring at her wings, poking them as if she was expecting to do something on their own. “She has power, to say the least, but she is an alcoholic that got lucky.”

Meanwhile, Celestia huffed as her wings refused to properly move. I have no clue how ponies deal with these damn things. She sighed as she laid back on the throne, rubbing her temples. “What the fuck did I do last night?”

---

Celestia slammed down her glass with a grin, the twelve other glasses on the table jingling. Discord gritted his teeth as he picked up his glass, swaying from side to side. “Come, ya feckin lizard. Drink.” slurred the mare.

Discord stared at his glass for a minute. He gulped before downing its contents, slamming it down on the table. The ponies cheered as Discord gave a slight smile. The draconequus swayed slightly before tipping over backwards, causing Celestia to laugh in triumph.

“Thats what ya git, ya fecking lizard.” Celestia hiccuped as she stood, swaying slightly as she walked towards the door. “Serry, boys. I need to get sleep and home.” The mare pushed herself out the door and into the rain. She looked around, everything a solid blur as she tried to figure out which way was which.

“I thinks it thish way.” slurred Celestia, hobbling down the road. Swaying from side to side, the mare tried to stay standing as she navigated the streets.

After walking for an hour, Celestia hobbled up next the a building, evacuating the foul contents of her stomach onto the cobble as her head rang with the constant rhythm of rain. Slumping against the wall, she watched the rain fall, slowly getting ready to pass out.

“Come, get a move on! We stay for too long and they will get us.” Celestia groaned as she turned to the infernal yelling that was giving her a headache. Two cloaked ponies ran down the street towards her. One of the ponies was carrying a saddlebag, a soft glow emanating from it.

“Oi!” shouted Celestia, causing the figures to stop. She groaned as she pushed herself off the wall. “You… yeash, you! I am gonna kick my ass so hard... wait. No, Wait. I am gonna kick YOUR ass so heard..." She hobbled towards the two figures. The two of them looked at each other before laughing.

“Not so fest.” The two cloaked figures stopped, looking over to see Discord hobbling over to the trio. “Ya feckin betch. How dare ya beat meh.”

“Ya want te fight meh, ya feckin lizard?” shouted Celestia, hobbling over to the draconequus.

“Hey boss, should we go while they fight?” asked one the figures. His partner shook his head.

“I kinda want to watch them duke it out. It should be entertaining.”

“Yeash, I want to fight ya, ya fecking poneh.” slurred Discord, putting up his fist as if he forgot he had the ability to use magic.

“Ah’ll kick yer ass, ya feckin frek.” Celestia hobbled towards the draconequus before throwing herself at the draconequus. The two figures didn’t have time to react before they were used as a landing pad. Celestia groaned as she stood up. Looking around, she found a glowing orb, supposedly having fallen out of the saddlebag the two figures were carrying.

“What ish it?” asked Discord, walking up behind her.

“I dunno.” Celestia cocked her head before grabbing it. “I call dibs.”

“Why do ya get it? I took em out.” complained Discord, grabbing the orb from her. Celestia huffed as she took it back.

“Ah beat ya fair n square.” Before Discord could respond, Celestia reared around, kicking him in the face. In response, she fell flat on her face, breaking the orb as she landed. The two of them groaned as they got back up. Discord blinked as he looked at her.

“Oi, when did ya get wings and a horn?”

Celestia looked over at her reflection, blinking at herself. “I dunno. Wanna get a drink?”

“Sure.”

---

“And that, dearest Twilight, is how I came to power.” said Celestia, guiding her former pupil down the corridors. The smaller alicorn looked at her in disbelief.

“You mean you became an alicorn because you picked a fight while drunk? That goes against everything in the stories and tomes about you!” shouted Twilight, shaking her head. “You can’t be serious, Celestia.”

“Oh, she is.” said Discord, popping out one of the vases. “I got scars from when we fought in the bar the same night.”

“All because you lost to a mare twice.” said Celestia with a smirk. The draconequus huffed in response.

“Coming from the mare who cheated in becoming an alicorn.”

“Wait, what about all the deeds that you’ve done as a Princess? Are those fake too?” asked Twilight, trying to get her head around the idea of her mentor being an alcoholic.

“Not really. They just forgot to add that I usually go into battle after a bottle of vodka, and that I start every negotiation with a jaegerbomb.” Celestia shrugged. “Getting drunk has yet to fail me.”

“So Equestria really is ran by a drunk.” said Twilight with a sigh. Celestia sighed.

“Don’t knock it until you fend off an army of angry Griffons while under the influence of the strongest liquor Equestria can provide. Now THAT is interesting.”

Comments

[HarmonyRain]

......

[Fuzzyfurvert]

Ok. Lets do this shit.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Dammit... that was too funny. :D

[Fuzzyfurvert]

When I'm in the chat, doing this...
41.media.tumblr.com/fe8a359ac6607664cec8213a2632cccb/tumblr_nsjar4x6u31uwc145o1_1280.png

Do this...
40.media.tumblr.com/dcbbf41ea972bfa65134dd5eda857768/tumblr_nsjarowa2o1uwc145o1_1280.png

[Foals Errand]

*reads*
Oh gods yes!

[Raichu]

That's funny.

[Azure Blackstone]

0 words total

Looks like the website is hitting the vodka as well.

[huh]

Ahhh, if only this was canon.

[wildlander84]

My nose is bleeding from facepalming so hard...

[Ms_Fruit_Bat]

6309099

What's up, everypony? It's Celestia, I'm fighting the whole griffin army. Let's do this shit.

[Chibalt]

Sooo Celestia as a drunk is somehow hugely successfull at fighting, negotiating, ect. Than when she is sober, well that's fun to know.

[Bakmah Genesis]

6311050
You don't want to say no to a drunken mare who has a more or less as violent as a drunken irish man.

[Chibalt]

6311061 Particularly if said drunker mare also is physically larger than you and can likely absolutely trounce you in a fight even without her magic, and that she also controls the sun so she could basically just lower it down and boop their land with it.

[dragonjek]

Ah, now so many of Celestia's decisions regarding nation- and world-saving responsibilities with Twilight make sense. She was sloshed.

[TheGreatEater]

“What the fuck?!” shouted Celestia, falling out of her throne in complete shock.

Indent.
___________________

Celestia reminds me of Dr. Cossak from bobandgeorge.com, but with politics instead of programming.

bobandgeorge.com/archives/comics/0302/030211.png

6314413

I like to think of it as her being "functionally" alcoholic.

[Penn Hooven]

At last! It all makes sense! This explains EVERYTHING! All hail Sunbutt the drunk.

[PresentPerfect]

All this time, I can't believe no one mentioned it's spelled "jaeger". <.<

[Bakmah Genesis]

7667496
Did I seriously misspell that and not notice?

[PresentPerfect]

7667738
It's been a whole year, even! :V

(I got a laugh out of this, fyi. :)

[Bakmah Genesis]

7667853
I fixed it.
(And that's good, why I made it. ;) )

[PresentPerfect]

7667866
Don't forget the title, too!

[Camolot the Creator]

Able to move at incredibly high speeds, use powerful magic, is no doubt a master of confusion-fu, can tank hits like nobody's business, is crazy enough to try anything AND is numb to all pain?
You have created a drunken berserker Blood Knight version of Celestia, and I applaud you for it.

[Arceaion]

Words cannot express how... crazy, stupid and hilarious this is.

[fanreader999999]

Light beer.

[TheOneAJ]