• Member Since 4th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen Sep 9th, 2019

neonpalette93


Ponies, Undertale, Doctor Who, etc.

E
Source

When an old foe arrives in Equestria and threatens to erase the current timeline, The Doctor must gather new allies and travel back in time to fix the damage to the timeline before everything he knows disappears forever.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

You both asked for critique and wrote about the other fandom I adore, so here I am :) I hope you don't mind!

This has promise. Your technical skills are mostly good (I encountered only a few technical errors, such as "echo's" instead of echoes, etc), and your grammar is fairly good.

The story itself is written in an extremely simple fashion, with the narrative moving from point A to point B very quickly and, again, simply. I do believe this could benefit from some fleshing-out. Usually, editing should leave you with a smaller final product, but in this instance, that is not the case. I realize that it's your first fanfic, so I'm not trying to be hard on you, but given the complexity of both established universes you're writing about (Dr. Who has over fifty years of history, and My Little Pony over thirty, counting the older gens [and in a fanfic featuring a time-travelling pony, I daresay it should count :raritywink: ]), it could do with more wording and more complex movement from scene to scene.

That's basically all I've got for you. If you ever want an editor or pre-reader, there's a ton of great groups on the site for it like Looking for Editors and Authors Helping Authors. I'm also available, should you want to enlist me to help, but I tend to not be around too much as of late.

Overall, you have my interest and attention, and I'll be watching this to see where it goes!

Allons-y!

38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llybrwBLXB1qb84lwo1_500.gif

The Delgado Master.

Oh boy are you in trouble Doctor.

Please note that the spaces are not fixed. Just fixing and misspellings or grammar errors I may find

*Corrections may or may not be complete at this current time.* <<< This will be removed upon completion

"AAAAAAAH!!"
A brown stallion with a cutiemark of an hourglass awaken with a scream. "What a peculiar nightmare. Never had one of those before. I wonder what caused it?" His thoughts are interrupted by the ring of the bell over his door, signaling that a customer had arrived. "Wait. What time is it?" The stallion looks at his the clock positioned on the wall across his bedroom. Upon seeing it was 9:00, he realised realized he had slept in on a work day, and day and immediately and literally jumped out off his bed. He quickly brushed his mane, which was no easy task using hooves, and put on his favorite green bowtie. Entering the front room, AKA his clock store, he prepared to greet whoever had entered the building, before realising it was not a customer at all; instead, it was his closest friend, Derpy Hooves.
"Hello, Miss Hooves. What brings you by at this time? I thought you were on your delivery route at this time every day." The stallion asks ed.
"I decided to take a break and talk to my really good friend The Doctor," she says back responded., "Is that okay Doc? I'll come back later if you're busy." She turns to leave, but The Doctor quickly grabs her and turns her back around.
"No need for that. I have nothing to do. Nopony but you has come in yet, so that means business is slow today." As soon as he says that, the bell rings. "Me and my big mouth." He mutters as his customers, a pair of mares, approach the counter.
Derpy steps out of the way to allow the mares to come to the counter. "Welcome to Time Turn-. Wait a second. You two were here yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. What brings you back? Again." The mares look at each other nervously, before the yellow one steps forward.
"Lyra knocked the clock off a shelf." The mint green unicorn steps forward and counters that accusation with one of her own.
"It wasn't my fault! That dog you bought is reckless! It ran into me and i bumped into the wall!"
The Doctor stands and watches the argument with amusement, before he decides to interfere. "Now ladies. There's no reason to fight, and I don't care about the specifics."
The yellow mare turns to The Doctor and asks, "Is there anything you can do Time Turner?"
The Doctor smiles and responds, "Of course Bon Bon. There isn't any clock that I can't fix! You can pick it up tomorrow. Should be done by then." Lyra and Bon Bon nod, and leave a pouch of bits on the counter. The Doctor counts through the money, and smiles at how theyve brought the exact amount he charges. "With how often they come here, it's no surprise they know the exact price. Wouldn't you say Miss Hooves?" He looks over to where he last remembered she was standing. During his conversation with Lyra and Bon Bon, she had left. "Such a shame she left. I wanted to discuss my odd dream. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow." He gets right to work on the clock, taking care to reinforce the parts, to ensure it doesn't break again.
Later that night, after outing the finishing touchs on Lyra and Bon Bon's clock, The Doctor prepare to go to sleep. As he drifts off, he begins to wonder what horrible nightmare he will have tonight.
The Doctor awakens on the floor of his TARDIS. "How did I get here?" He thought. "Of course! A dream! It's all a dream!" Suddenly the console screen clicks on, and a grey stallion with a grey striped beard and a pocket watch cutie mark appears on it. The Doctor is dumbfounded. "No. It can't be."
"Hello Doctor."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!

I really really hate getting another bro-whovian a thumps down,but I must. This like straight straight to the point, which kind of cringe worthy. The Master only worked for the Daleks once and it didn't go down so good. Plus on top of that, Daleks would never ever work with a timelord, ever. Plus, the Master is alot more subtle than what you are portraying

6679044 I added a fix to the daleks thing. Any suggestions on the issue with not being subtle enough?

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