Human Husbandry

by Regina Wright

Chapter Eighty-Three: Equestria (But Really The First Chapter, Ralph)

The Abridged Notes of one Ralph R. Winston
Chapter Eighty-Three: Equestria, The Land of Ponies
Edited By Fluttershy

How They Met

Ralph sat against the trunk of an old tree, lighting and enjoying a cigarette as he ignored the rude well-meaning and apparently deaf focused pegasus that kept on trying to smack it out of his hands.

“That isn't good for your health.” Her voice was soft and patient but the way she reached at him, demanding his pride and joy. Nope. The pretty little pony was not getting his cigarette.

“Just let me-”

He stuck out his boot, pushing the mare away as gently as he could without making her tumble off the slight hill they were on. It was temping though, being cruel and sending her to fall into the mossy forest floor.

She had wings. She could use them.

If anyone was to find the pair, he knew that his actions would seem unreasonable but the mare just wouldn't stop following him through the forest. Stay at her cabin. Come to Ponyville. Meet her good friend Twilight. What if he didn't want to do those things, huh? He was a man of action, of adventure. He'd go to this Ponyville when he felt good and ready.

Fluttershy, as she called herself, merely clung to his leg, her green eyes staring and staring. The human paused in his smoking, the butt of the cigarette resting in his lips. He inhaled a great amount of smoke and tilted his head upwards, letting the gray fumes escape through his nose with a mighty exhale. The sight was so lovely and blinding that he hardly noticed the yellow hoof aiming for his jaw until it was too late.

Surprised, the cigarette fell from his mouth and was quickly snatched away by Fluttershy. The cold-blooded mare threw it to the ground safely disposed it and stomped it to death out like a goddamn six-armed Culgarian (?). Then she had the nerve to smile, (you love my smiles) her white teeth gleaming in the hellish light. The mare made a sigh of relief like she did him a favor. (You're welcome.) Ralph's hands drifted to his cargo pants, patting the pockets to make sure those three packs were still there. Then his eyes wandered to the dying embers of the cigarette that had died in vain.

“Now that's been taking care of, we can rest easy. I guess you didn't know better but unprocessed smoke isn't good for any creature this side of Ponyville. It can fog up the whole town if it gets out of control. ” She said, shooting a quick disapproving glare before she continued smiling. “I've been checking my books on the local fauna and I do believe you are the first non-magical creature that has wandered out of the Everfree. You must tell me everything!”

Fluttershy raised a hoof, saluting to the sun. The human mourned the cancer stick in the only way he could. “On my oath as a registered animal-”

Ralph kicked her off the hill.

How They Met Again

Ralph Winston held up his lantern, a dinky metal pisspot with a stiff crank, as he stood in a clearing of an untamed forest. Wind rattled the leaves. The sun boiled everything else. There had to be some dignity he had to take from this, one boot perched on a large oddly angled rock. But everything was wrong and loud and colorful.

There was no point in pretending it was anything else. The picnic blankets. The foals running in the fields. The couples kissing on park benches. Fluttershy who was hiding in the bushes. Not to mention that this forest was nothing more but a tree-sprinkled park.

This was no place for an adventurer.

“You said if I went to-” Ralph had to pause to keep himself from shouting that disgusting and boring name at her. A nearby couple had just put their twins to sleep. “Whitetail forest, you'd leave me alone.” He gestured to himself. “I'm not exactly feeling alone here.” A frisbee flew over his head. A trio of foals ran by him. Birds chirped as they perched on his shoulders, each one fighting to see which glass-cracking high note could drive him to madness.

Nobody cared that he was the only one standing on two feet.

The ponies merely talked to Fluttershy, gave him a cautious nod and went about their day. Man's uniqueness amongst all the many worlds and wonders the stars had to offer was vastly overrated. And still, he felt a spark of pride to be the first human to meet them and pride even more on how well the inhabitants took it. In some realms, he was seen as the second coming of a lost god. In others, an omen of the end for those people. It was just his luck that his arrivals into strange worlds tended to correlate to the mostly accurate dooms-day prophesies and half-true folklore.

“I am leaving you alone.” The bushes replied, messy yellow wings sticking through the shrubbery. Ralph wondered how she could stand letting her fragile-looking feathers getting entangled. “Don't mind me.” She said, her voice giddy and shameless. “Enjoy your adventure.”

Ralph flinched. “Don't call it that. Don't say it like that. I am an adventurer, a man of the woods. You equine creatures have no idea the great trials I face on my journey. This place, I doubt that there is little of note to even make half a paragraph in my notes.”

He squeezed his left hand, reluctantly turning his lamp off. There was no point for him to waste oil and gears in the middle of the day. His machete sat unused in his holster. His pistol fully loaded and cool to the touch. He didn't chase after thrills but after being on his guard for many months, battling against beasts and abominations seeking his flesh, this was rather underwhelming. Rather undeserved.

But there had to be something he could salvage from this experience. Something worthwhile he could pen in his journal. But this, all of this was ridiculous.

“Oh, don't say that. There's plenty you can do in Ponyville.”

“Like what?” The human said, his eyebrows raised. “Pray tell, what could there be interesting and worth exploring in this idyllic village of yours?”

Fluttershy stood up, shaking the foliage from her pink mane. “I'll show you some of my favorite places. We'll make a day of it.”

How She Ensnared Got Him Out Of His Shell

Five unimportant stops later, Ralph kept up with Fluttershy as she pointed out every little inane thing while leading him around Ponyville. A place that truly lived up to its name. There were ponies. “Hi there, I'm Applejack and may I say, the farmer of the most delicious apples in all of Equestria. Spread the word.” There were more ponies. “Yo Fluttershy, why are you hanging out with a walking tree? He has the face only a brick could love.” And even more ponies. “So Ralphie, would you like a chocolate cake or a double chocolate cake for your adventuring party? Trick question! I got a triple fudge cake for ya!”

And somewhere along the line when the sun dipped below the horizon, his feet began to stumble and yawns became contagious between the two of them, they arrived at her cottage near the woods. Ralph took one good look at the cozy wooden nook Fluttershy had all to herself and swiftly turned around.

“Where are you going?”

Ralph halted in his steps, wondering if he actually owed Fluttershy an explanation for leaving her. He decided he didn't and made his way over the little bridge before she pounced. Her dainty hooves gripped his heavy jacket, the rest of her body pressing against his hiking backpack. She added a good amount onto the equipment he usually carried but not enough for him to hinder his steps forward.

“We had a good time, didn't we?”

“You promised me interesting places.” Ralph pulled out his little notebook, waving it in the air. “Things worth writing down.” He passed to her. “This is a fresh book. I always start a one when I arrive to a new destination.”

The flipping of the pages filled the air, joining the croaking of the frogs by the stream and the crickets singing their summer song. But there was no sound from her. No sign of rebuttal. He heard the notebook closed before frantically be opened again. Ralph waited patiently, smugness twisting his lips. And then finally she spoke.

“There's only three sentences.”

“I know.”

“You could only write three sentences?”

Wait, what?

The human groaned. “This place is only worth three sentences. Allow me to recite them for you: I have arrived in a nation called Equestria, inhabited by magical equine creatures not unlike the horses found on Earth. They use magic and have abilities that allow them to control their environment to suit their whims. One is named Fluttershy and she is-”

“Annoying.” She interrupted, her voice lowering to a peep. “You think I'm annoying? I wanted-”

“You're not annoying.” Ralph said, cringing. “You're persistent. I know what I wrote. I said you were persistent.”

Fluttershy was silent, quiet to the world until he heard the rustling of her wings as she flew over him. The pegasus landed without a sound in front of him, her face hidden by hair.

“You're just saying that.” She said, shrinking to the ground. Her wings clamped to her sides. Ralph moved towards her, his hand reaching out before he stopped himself. What was he doing? He didn't owe her a pep-talk. The mare was finally listening. He could leave right now and never be bothered by her again.

“I know I'm not a fun or interesting pony. That's why-” She looked up, eyes blaring. “I'm not like Applejack or Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie. They're so much better than me. I'm a lot different than how I used to be but I couldn't even show you a good time.”

“Fluttershy,” He said, sighing. “I don't know who any of those ponies are. You might as well be spouting noise at me if you could see how little of impression they made. I have no time for small-town adventures or learning about the lives of those simple folk. I'm seeking a cure for someone most dear to me and this is my punishment, doomed to wander until I drop dead.”

“I must collect 1001 wonders, 1001 stories for the sake of my brother.” Ralph gave a little smile. “I guess I've gotten out of touch with talking with people. Ah, ponies in your case.” He shrugged his shoulders before taking a seat on the grassy ground. “Apologies for being rude and giving you a hard time. Had anyone else come, I'm sure they would have fallen head over heels for your kindness.”

He looked at her and found something strange. Fluttershy's eyes glinted in the low light, fireflies glittering around her slender form. It was mesmerizing, surely a figment of his imagination. Beautiful was she, his heart stirring at the sight of her embolden. Her wings flared as she walked closer to him, hooves reaching for his shoulders.

Then she embraced him, wings and all.

"It must have been tough, having to do that alone. But it's okay, now."

It was so soft and so wondrous that he couldn't help but return her affections with a strong hug of his own. She nuzzled into his scruffy hair and trembling hands brushed against her silky fur, marveling at the feel. Who knew ponies were so huggable? So perfect for moments like these. He wasn't sure when it happened. His eyes closing. His ears listening to the sound of her heartbeat. A sort of peace he hadn't had for a very long time.

"I'm here."

And then some part of him wondered if he had knew that she would be able to slip by his defense so easily. That he tried to fend her off so he wouldn't have to go through the loss that would come. All things were momentary, fleeting in the great annals of time. But this, he promised to remember and never forget. The feel of Fluttershy in his arms.

How She Talked Him Into The Impossible

Fluttershy waited until he got comfy in her home before she infected him with her madness.

He sat his huge pack to the side. His boots sat neatly at the foot of her suitcase. His jacket hanging neatly on the hook like it belonged there. And she said she had a guest room perfect for the night. Not that the bedroom had much use, them laying together on her couch. His hand patting her mane as he indulged himself a little more. It had been a while since he touched anything living that didn't attack, explode or bite him.

He didn't hear her the first time she said it, her head resting on his chest as her words were muffled. The warm heat of her mouth distracting him until she lifted her head and said it again.

“I think you're wrong about Ponyville.”

“That so?” He said, his hands wandering to her shoulders and rubbing the muscles there. Fluttershy went slack under his ministrations, her wings rising slightly. A finger tapped on the hollow joint of where her left wing began. Fluttershy froze, her face blushing as she pulled her wings closer to her body.

“Wings are-” Her eyes found something interesting on the opposite wall. Ralph hummed his acknowledgment. Her wings needed to be handled with special care and permission first. “sensitive. But I think you've been going about this in the wrong way.”

“I've been cursed for the last three years.” Ralph said lazily, rubbing a light circle with his thumbs in the middle of her back. She arched, lifting herself to grind into his fingers. “What records I could find about my fellow accursed show that most people with this affliction last only a few months. I think I'm doing fine.”

Fluttershy went silent, the chattering of her animals filling the space her next words might have been. Ralph had already made his peace with his situation. He'd collect the stories and return as a human assuming the monsters kept to their word or fail and die stranded or worse.

“It has to be a wonder.” He said, growing tired. His hands rested on her body. “Something sublime and rare and destiny-defying. Like the last few hours of a world dying, the very last creature drawing its final breathe and the one story it kept in its in mind after all that time. A story that needed to be written, to be remembered. It doesn't even a have to be a person. It just needs to be something with a grand meaning.”

“But don't you determine what is a wonder?”

Ralph shrugged. “My curse does. The Sae-ulaien does. They need fools to venture into places they can't. They used to but they've been...” A sharp pain closed his throat. “And they don't like me talking about it.” The long hour ate at him and Ralph found himself growing sleepy.

“I think all you need to find 1001 stories is a open heart. Equestria is more than three sentences, I think. And I'll help you, I promise.”

Comments

[Regina Wright]

6302140
I respect that.

I wrote this as a contest entry with the prompt being Ship Your Self-Insert With One/Or More of The Mane Six. I took a lot out trying to hit the deadline and in the main fic, I guess the romance would be a lot slower with an over-arching plot. But with lots of angst cuddles. Angst cuddles is like a drug to me. I'm addicted.

[broken sprocket]

I liked that a lot as a first chapter.
Imma follow you around.

[Regina Wright]

6302214
Thanks. I hope you enjoy what you'll find around here.

[Kind of Brony]

Human Husbandry sounds like the perfect title for a story set in the Your Human and You-verse about a human being found by the Apple family and them proceeding to try and breed him or her.

[Minalkra]

It had been a while since he touched anything living that didn't attack, explode or bit bite him.

That's it, that's all I got.

It's aight but I prefer less 'epic' reasons for the HiE. The whole one thousand and one (always write the words, not the numerals) story idea is more, uhm, mythic than others I've seen but it usually ends up being a huge emphasis in the story and not just the human being there, ya know? Not that I think this would have gone that way or anything but the potential for the ponies to end up as background characters is high - though finding a thousand and one stories for Ralpho might keep the ponies in the forefront, having him fight dragons or punch Discord or whatever OCs do these days with the ponies around is tempting to some. Uhhh ...

Yeah, that's it really. Otherwise, I think it's okay. Ralphy is a bit on the 'douche' end of the 'douche-wetnap' scale but we've just met so I'd be willing to give him a chance to get outside the kicking Fluttershy thing. If you do end up making this a larger story, I'd give the readers a chance to meet Ralphmeister before he punts Shyshy off a cliff.

[Techpriest Eh]

Dayum son you deserve a follow so I'mma follow you so I can comment on all your blogs.

Enjoy some cheeki static.fjcdn.com/comments/5321323+_c568d1014bbb6627b453087e8b29dd9f.jpg

[Bigjump3300]

6302382 and to anyone who does write that try to not make it dark, there has been too many "human tortured and/or mistreated" fic popping up lately.

[CommisarSilver]

I love the way you set the tone between the two characters. You can almost smell the grimness from the human, and flutter-shy is the foil.

[Regina Wright]

6302417
Made the edit.

The whole one thousand and one (always write the words, not the numerals) story idea is more, uhm, mythic than others I've seen but it usually ends up being a huge emphasis in the story and not just the human being there, ya know?

Meh. I guess it's would be spoilers but uh, Fluttershy has been implying that Ralph has been going about finding stories the wrong way. He should just plant his feet in a place and live interesting moments, treasure every day. Gooey gushy stuff like this.

If you do end up making this a larger story, I'd give the readers a chance to meet Ralphmeister before he punts Shyshy off a cliff.

I tried that before. It got rejected. But seriously, I'll give it a think.

[Regina Wright]

6302511
Awesome.

6302592

Human Husbandry sounds like the perfect title for a story set in the Your Human and You-verse about a human being found by the Apple family and them proceeding to try and breed him or her.

there has been too many "human tortured and/or mistreated" fic popping up lately.

That sounds like a great idea! Thanks for the suggestion.

6302751

I love the way you set the tone between the two characters. You can almost smell the grimness from the human, and flutter-shy is the foil.

I'm glad you liked it. I was worried that I was moving too fast, trying to spit out the story before the contest deadline. Some ideas stayed in the finished work (Fluttershy's edits and the whole notebook gimmick) but a lot of other ideas were cut out. Depends on my mood, I might add back in some things or if I'll expand the whole thing.

[Bigjump3300]

6303655 please don't make it dark.

[Peacekeeper]

It looked alright. Not bad but not great, i'd say average imo. Only issue is it ends completely abruptly other than that good job.

[Minalkra]

6303629
Yeah, so long as you keep with that plan it'd be aight. I just know that a lot of writers would take a more action-y route - to the detriment of the story in my opinion. This would work as a vignette series I think. Small looks into Ralph-o-man's life in Equestria. Slice of Life at the finest.

[ArcaneVisions]

Its Good. Slice of life is where it's at. Would love to see more. Though applejack s one sentence feels very ....odd. I would check it again.

[No I Will Not]

Finally, a fic that touches my feels.

[Fancy Fox]

I liked this story... Mostly for its potential to be a great tale but also to stop right there and leave people content... Well most people.
The image that really spoke to me was when he put down his huge pack and boots next to her suitcase because that implies so much
Been a while since I read a story that told so much with so little words

[Scholar Andrew]

6403020 Oh, hello Tenno. Fancy meeting you here!