Wonderbolt in training Splitstream is a cocky Pegasus who has everything laid out for them. Everything changes one day when when his chain of command sends him and his team to the wastelands where he learns he isnt the best, but for a special little filly he needs to be.
This is a remake of my original story!!! Please support Kkat and read the original Fallout Equestria story!
Edited and Co authored by
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Spartan082
Lukington17
Hunter Steel
SORRY... I am going to be deleting this and restarting the story over... I noticed many mistakes and I want to try again with this story... thanks for understanding
ACE
Chapters (12)
Nice. You do a good job of showing off how ruthless Splitstream is when it comes to getting what he wants, even forgetting what he just sentenced Sunny to because he earned himself a better position. It feels rushed, however, and it could use a bit more detail. Feel free to be more creative when you describe things, use different words that paint a better and different portrait.
If you need someone to bounce ideas off of or a proof-reader, I'm willing and wanting to help.
I very much enjoyed this. You didn't overcomplicate sentences or use too much tell-not-show like most writers these days do. I appreciate the amorale quality to your protagonist Split Stream, as it's rarely seen in FOE. You have this very refreshing take on a main character that isn't a pure hero or even a pure psychopath. He's just so selfish and ambitious that his near-sociopathic environment makes him a very self-centered person.
However. You should be more vivid in your description of physical things. Setting. Smell. Touch. It is imperative to an immersive fiction that you engross the reader in sensory detail, to really make them care. Just like using dialogue for emotional value, it's also best to not forget that a subtle action, such as someone lowering their eyes and going limp, is much more rewarding to a savvy reader than saying they looked hopeless.
All in all? Bravo. Very good. Very good indeed.
6282556 that would be great... The more people to help me the better off this story can and will be ^^
6282585 tbh I'm kind of leaving more detailed things until later like smell because he is too used to it up above the clouds and its not something he is used to missing yet
7838469 i have a lot planned for this story... you should have seen it before i decided to give it a revamp
8615424
So much no
8617046
Lol to each their own
8646892
Wanted to try something different X3
Great chapter.
9096197
Thank ya... more to come in the near future... I hope Xp
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