Ringmaster1336
Joined 29th Nov, 2014 ·
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- Pinkie Pie 2015
yeah i probably would not like it to think about how many tongues there already were, i mean he probably isn´t the first, but it doesn´t help if you have to think about it.
well the story was not bad, one of the better one-shots, but i can never like One-shots to much, they always feel incomplete.
So, you realize that a story's long description is supposed to tell you about the actual story, right? Say the short description, which tells us a teensy bit about the story, is the lure. It catches our eye, and we fish (the readers) come to investigate the shiny thing in the water. The long description is analogous to the bait, with the story being the hook. The 'bait' should tell us why we should bite, not preemptively excuse or apologize for any flaws. If I am a fish, and your description attached to the story is the bait on the hook, you're fishing with an empty hook.
I am actually sort of surprised that this passed moderation with a mostly irrelevant description(edit: Oh! And the missing human tag; someone really dropped the ball there.) I have not read this story, for there has been no incentive/bait, but trust me when I say you might wanna reel your line in and cast again with a description that tells us about the story and what it is about; give the fish a reason to bite. I'm not saying write a synopsis, but do something to get the reader's attention.
One of the best Kinky Pie smut fics I've read so far. Realistic Anon helped a lot.
I can understand that it's your first story, but in the descripton, you must tell what the story is about, but you didn't.
This states that this is a Human in Equestria fic, yet I don't see the Human tag, -1 point for not using proper tags.
This isn't a description, this is an authors note, you can put this on the bottom of your fic. -1 point for not having a proper description.
final verdict 3 out of 5 stars.
The fic is a bit cliche, but enjoyable. I really liked the puns, and most did give me a chuckle.
it was good but the problam is that thay bucked in the hall as you didnt mention that thay walked back into pinkys ponny but uther wise it was good :)
Oh yay, this is my avatar on derpibooru
Might wanna swap out that author's note for a proper story description...Just sayin' .
This is meant to be comedy, right?
6282222
Not trying to be rude or mean, but ya ah liek typin liek I let durpee loose on mah keybored...
Anyways, I want to read but no description. Sorry bro but I'm a no go
6282540 i see what you mean but i am sorry for my spelling but i am not a very good speller
Perfect, you made the changes. Congrats.
6283615
Do I get those missing points back?
Definitely would have benefited from a slower pace, but it's alright.
...Thats' it?
You couldn’t believe it. There is literally a pink talking equine in front of you trying to seduce you into eating them out. “Nope.”
i.imgur.com/bseI8KZ.gif
6283904 Yes, it's now 6/5. Have a free follow on me.
Well played! Nothing to say.
,Peace from Midnight.
Throughly average at best. For a first story I give it a "meh". I've seen worse but that isn't saying much.
You get a 7/10. Average. Pass. You win. Yay.
For actual critisism:
Build up was pretty "hate pony pussy oh shit pony pussy fuck that pony pussy". There was basically no reluctance that was solid at all. Next time try developing more of a character, and try to make it NOT AiE. Anon can be used well but you really have to do a good job this late in the fandom.
No reason why it CAN'T be second person, but try making a decent relationship of any sort. They lived together, develop that with Anon reluctantly checking out her pony plot and such.
Make a longer story with an actual relationship and you will do well.