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When Babs Seed goes missing in the heart of Manehattan, Applejack and Apple Bloom waste no time in looking for her. But as they delve deeper into the city's shadows, the sisters find they may have bitten off more than they can chew.
Written for The Writeoff Association's event: "Something Ain't Right".
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Good start! Excited to see where this goes
11930978
Thanks. I hope it will be enjoyable.
Do you mean hypotheses?
I really like where this seems to be going. I imagine murder? But that would be too obvious.
This is definitely a great start to a thriller story. And the fact that the 'Horror' tag accompanies it, hooks my interest even more.
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11932146
Don't be mean to Applejack, she's trying really hard.
And all I can say is that there are some things that are flying under her radar.
I hope you'll like the resolution.
11932373
Okay. I was just asking if that was intentional or not.
Sneaky, keeping that 'Death' tag on hold until the end.
Although I don't mind endings where the protagonist fails in his adventure and ultimately dies, I find this story a bit lacking. The mystery was interesting enough to make me read from start to finish, but it didn't really provide enough information or context of what was happening to spark the imagination, leaving me feeling like this story is missing a chapter dedicated to the exposure.
This was good. I think you did a really nice job with the mystery that it kept me on edge and guessing the whole way through, and the dynamic between Applejack and Apple Bloom was grounded and kept me immersed. However, I agree with Wooden Wheel in that I feel like some of the built up mystery is left unattended, and the story ended just as I was expecting a little bit more to explain what was happening. So, for me personally, the payoff was a bit underwhelming.
Having said that though, I have a recommendation. As I was finishing the story, I envisioned an idea where these two chapters could act as an 'opening scene,' where the two characters that the reader believes to be the protagonists are suddenly killed off, which could then act as a neat hook going into a potential chapter three (or sequel) that introduces us to the actual protagonists who would go on to uncover the entire mystery. For instance, similarly to how Applejack and Apple Bloom heard of Babs' disappearance and travelled to Manehattan, the other elements could hear of Applejack's disappearance and maybe put an end to what's happening.
That's just my own two cents though. I think the story is great the way it is and its earned a like from me. Well done.
11933220
Thank you.
It's true that how the story developed can feel like a bait and switch with how abrupt it is. It presents a slow burning mystery full of dead ends and quickly makes a reveal of why those dead ends were dead ends.
I cannot offer excuses other than this is the story I had in mind. The one I wanted to tell. Looking back on it, I feel this story may be a stepping stone towards better, more well-rounded stories.
I hope you were still entertained, despite the shortcomings of the story.
11935048
r
That sounds interesting. I may write something like that in the future. As for this story, it was born and built around the bad ending. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would've made the story focus on AJ's stubbornness and how it would have caused her to ignore the warning signs in her pursuit of her cousin until she came face to face with the end.
Live and learn. I will endeavour to do a better job in the future.
Thank you for reading, and thanks for the comments.
This is a good story but the ending was really weird and abrupt. I guess that's kind of the point but with the buildup I think I expected more going in. I was fully ready to accept that Babs was like, dead. (Since I read this post-the death tag being added) But with how things were building up part of me expected like..Pony trafficking or something. (WHICH IS SUCH A WEIRD SENTENCE TO WRITE BUT..STILL..)
Something that would lead to Babs being found and brought home.
Alternatively I thought Changelings were involved.
Esp with the line about how the colts were like
weird.
Overall I think this is extremely well written, you're really good at characterizing the apple siblings. The ending was just, odd to me. I'll be happy to look into whatever you make going forward bc like I said you're really good at character writing and your prose in general is just, really nice?
Relatable.
Really man? I thought this would be a nice mystery, not "suddenly supernatural monsters eat them up".
The ending really disappointed me, but I guess that was the point?
The characterisation was good and the build up was great, but it all got broken at the end.
Gets an OKAY