• Published 1st Aug 2015
  • 584 Views, 15 Comments

The Chronicles of Moonshade part 2 - Kix



Moonshade is trying to reconcile with her past actions and prove she isn't the mare she was.

  • ...
3
 15
 584

Chapter One; Depression

~~~~~One Month After the Trial~~~~~

Why was I summoned here? Don’t they know I make the nobles uncomfortable? I take a look around the room while trying to hide in my seat. The walls are painted an off white as a couple tapestries depicting the crest of the royal sisters hang along the wall. A large, highly polished wooden table stands in the middle, which is currently filled with very well dressed and regal looking unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies. There is only one unicorn in the crowd I know, and I wish I didn’t.

The gathered ponies, representing the noble houses of Equestria are all facing five thrones. Aunt Celestia sits in the center throne while mom sits on her right side with Twilight Sparkle occupying the throne on Celestia’s left. Princess Cadence, who I have gotten to know really well during her few visits, sits next to Twilight.

I am sitting next to mom, despite my protests and arguments that I have no real reason for being there, seeing as how I am an ersatz 'princess’ who has not even been coronated, which I am thankful for. Not only that, but my lack of… popularity amongst the noble houses, which all are represented here, will not do any favors for the four, true princesses.

Despite my desires and wishes to not be involved in the minutiae of politics both mom and auntie forced it down my throat, which means I have at least some idea of why this meeting is being held, though I don’t really care. Auntie should just get rid of the nobles and save herself and mom from a constant migraine. Why do we even have them?

Before the meeting can be started, one of the nobles speaks up, obviously furious at my appearance. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, does she have to be here? It has been made clear that the majority of the noble houses refuse to acknowledge her royal heritage. We must insist she leave, immediately.”

“Silver Tail, my dear, most of the noble houses may have chosen to dismiss Moonshade’s heritage, but we have no sway over the actions of the Princesses. If they deem it important for the long lost member of the royal family to attend, then who are we to disagree?” The response to the silvery coated pegasus stallion’s outburst comes not from the alicorns, but from another noble. The only one who has taken a little bit of time getting to know me.

As the whitish grey unicorn stallion with a light azure mane and mustache turns to me I give him a faint hint of a smile before hanging my head and slumping even further in my seat. At the same time he continues. “I am sorry for speaking up like that, your highnesses. But I am tired of hearing all the negativity my fellow nobles have towards a mare of such potential. They seem to have forgotten the past.”

I- I knew they didn’t like me, but this… they must really hate me. I should have been executed, at least the pain caused to mom and aunt Tia would be short lived. Now? Now they have to deal with me and my mistakes daily. The meeting continues as I zone out, thinking back on how easily I was convinced to join this meeting, only three hours earlier.

~~~~~Three Hours Earlier~~~~~

"It is important that you make an appearance, Moon, and not for me or my sister, but for yourself. How can you show that you have changed if you keep yourself caged up in your room?” She’s right, dammit. I can’t hide in here forever. Maybe… maybe I have been worried about nothing, though the fact I still have no idea why the judges spared me is a bit worrisome in its own right.

"I- I'm not sure. I just… I don't feel comfortable being around ponies, especially the nobility, right now." I admit as I shrink into my bed, my gaze firmly locked on the stuffed animals that line the headboard above my pillow as I speak just above a whisper. "You know they hate me, don't you? They don't want me around and I don't want to cause you or aunt any problems, well, any more problems than I already have." With a sniffle I hide underneath my covers, curling into tight ball as tears begin to fall onto to soft, silky sheets under me.

"I am getting worried about you, my little Moon. Both me and Tia are. We have heard that you stopped mailing Twilight and not even your other three friends have come in a while." Mom’s voice is soft and soothing as she lays on the bed, curling around my still covered form while laying her head gently atop my back. "You know you can talk to us at any time, don't you?" My only response is a very slight nod.

With a final sigh I shift and leave the comfort of my bed, still feeling broken on the inside. I reluctantly get ready with a shower before joining mom outside my door. In her magical grasp is a silver crown, one she has tried to get me to wear multiple times already, much to my distress. Along with the crown she also has me wear a silvery collar and hoof shoes, like hers but custom made for me and me alone. I don’t deserve these, I shouldn’t be allowed to wear them. I’m not royalty and will never be, not that I can blame anypony for that, except myself.

As we travel down the long hallway a couple of guards, both solar and lunar, bow before us as we approach, even going as far as welcoming me back and showing concern for my well being, though I imagine it is only out of professional courtesy than actual concern. They know what I did, they shouldn’t be glad I’m free, they should be angry. No, they should hate me for how many of their fellow guards I have cut down.

To my surprise, one of the guards I run into is the lieutenant that tried to arrest me back in Detrot, the one I ended up putting to sleep and gave nightmares to. I have no idea what she is thinking or what must be on her mind as she stops in front of me, offering an unprofessional hoof shake instead of the traditional salute. "I know you are in a hurry, your highnesses so I will make this short.” Did she not get the memo? I am no princess, I am nowhere close to being one. “Moonshade, I know that you killed those two under my command, but I know now it was not your fault. You were coerced and under Nightmare’s control. I am working on being able to forgive you and I hope that all of Equestria will be able to do the same.* I don’t deserve her forgiveness, nor anypony else’s.

‘You are right, why should they forgive you? It might be blamed on my control over you, but ultimately it was you who pulled it off. There is no other pony to blame.’ I can’t tell if this is coming from my own subconscious, the Remnant or a mixture of both, but I know those words are the truth.

As she steps away with a smile and salute, I can’t help but feel even worse than I was already feeling, my lower jaw nearly grazes the stone floor as I enter the room behind mom. Any conversation that was going one either stops or turns to hushed whispers as all eyes fall on me then to the weight atop my head.

"What is THAT monster doing in here? send her away now before she kills us all."

"Quiet! she has been cleared of any wrong by the courts. You yourself chose one of the judges that served on the tribunal. She has just as much right, or more, to be here as you do." Celestia scolds, her voice surprisingly shaded by anger before she turns to me and softens her voice. "How have you been, Moonshade?"

As I take my place next to mom I can't help but notice that the arrogant pegasus stallion is seated right across from me, his glare causing me to shrink almost to the point of hiding beneath the table. "I'm… okay I guess aunt." My response is a bare whisper, earning a frown of concern from both sisters. Even my attempts to avoid Twilight’s questioning gaze draw some concerned whispers from the alicorns and nobility, though the reasoning for both groups are probably different.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Throughout the meeting I just remain silent and still, not wanting to draw any more attention to myself. "Moonshade, what do you think of the planned proposition?" Celestia asks, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Uhhh... I'm sorry aunt, but..." As I notice all eyes on me I begin to hyperventilate, trembling in my seat as my chest feels ready to explode due to my racing heart. Frantically I stare at the closed door as my breathing is nearly cut off. My next words are rushed as I make my escape, the majority of the nobles just laugh and yell at me to get out. "I- I can't... I need to be excused." As I run back to my room at a full gallop I am distantly aware of both mom and aunt Tia calling out for me.

The memories of my victims fill up my mind as their faces stare back at me with dead, accusing eyes. Soon I find myself back in my room, settled on the floor on my belly. My eyes fall upon a large pile of letters that remain unopened, letters from my so called friends, Twilight and Princess Cadence. As I continue to look at them my gaze falls upon my room's balcony and the open window.

Without thought my body moves of its own accord as I approach, I can feel myself going numb as I stand on the railing. A strand of shadows begins to form a noose around my neck as the other end wraps around a pillar. Standing there I glance down, tears falling freely as I go to move forward, one hoof already dangling in the empty space while the other edges forward. Even from my height I can make out the forms of the citizens of the capital city, thanks to the fact my room is next to both Celestia’s and mom’s.

I don't deserve to be allowed to live, not after what I’ve done. It's for the best anyway, I doubt anypony besides mom and aunt Tia will miss me. I bet there’ll be an Equestria wide celebration when the news I’m dead spreads.

"MOON! NOOO!" My ears barely register the shout as I lean forward and begin to fall, my eyes screwed shut, only to be stopped by a purple aura that surrounds me before I am lifted back up and gently lain atop my bed. The numbness, the hopelessness I’m feeling makes the movements of four ponies surrounding me feel faint, as if they were miles away. "Why did you try to do that, Moon?" Twilight asks as my eyes focus finally. Instead of answering I just bury myself into the bedding and cry. "Why didn't you tell anypony you were feeling this bad?" She inquires as four bodies encircle me, four different wings lay across my back. My gaze nearly empty and distant as I can't find an answer.

"Please, answer us cousin. We want to help you, but we cannot if we do not know what is wrong." Cadence prods gently as she tries to make eye contact, but to no avail.

"I- I..." I start, trailing off as I try to formulate the words I want to but is unable to do so. "I'M TIRED OF LIVING, ALRIGHT! I- I DESERVE TO DIE AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE!" I finally shout out before reburying my head in my hooves, another round of sobs wrack my body.

The four alicorns just lay there silently, obviously agreeing with me in their own minds but afraid to say it publicly and soon I drift off to sleep, or at least what could pass for sleep.

The next day when I wake up I notice the lack of bodies surrounding me and how high up in the sky the sun already is. I can sense some kind of enchantment on my closed balcony doors probably to warn of a future suicide attempt. Not wanting to get out of bed I look around my room, the walls and ceiling are a mixture of grey and black and very little decoration adorns them. Even my bed, bedspread and the few other furnishings are grey, black or a combination of the two. The only real color in the room, besides my ‘royal’ accoutrements are the stuffed animals and the book covers.

An hour later Twilight enters my room with announcing herself and approaches my bed, the sounds of another set of hooves follow her inside as she lights a few candles in an effort to lighten the room some. "Moon? This is Sunshine, I requested for him to come and see you, he is a psychologist. Please talk to him." Upon hearing her voice I turn to face her and the newcomer while staying under the thick comforter.

"Hello there Moonshade, I've heard you've been having some very serious problems." His smile is soft as he approaches, and when he speaks his voice is full of warmth, compassion and care. Despite my wanting to remain silent something else inside urges me to speak to him. "Princess, I know you mean well but could you please leave us?"

"N- no. C- could she stay please?" I croak out, sliding out from under my covers before she makes it to the door.

"If you feel more comfortable then yes, she may."

"Thank you.Wh- where do I begin?" My attention falls back on him as Twilight settles next to me, a wing comfortingly draped across my back. I… I hope this is a good idea, Twilight. If not, nothing is going to stop my next attempt.

"Well, why don't we start with how are you feeling today?"

"I feel… empty inside, like there is no hope for me." I finally confess, refusing to make even the slightest bit of eye contact as he just waits patiently. "I- I know I did horrible things in the past and I... I feel horrible for what I've done,” Already I can feel the tears stain my cheek fur as I speak into my hooves, trying to bury myself. “I just... I wish I could change what I did, or change the decision the judges made, or even prevent my birth in the first place." I continue, my voice quiet and trembling as I speak. "I- I… I'm scared that I… that I could turn back into that monster again. I hate myself for what I have done.”

Through my words and my restrained sobs I can hear the faint scratching of a quill on paper as he takes down some notes. “Have you talked to your friends or family about these fears you have?”

“No. I… I don’t want to scare mom, aunt Celestia or Cadence, or make them worry. As for friends, I don’t… I hav---”

Before I can continue Twilight cuts me off, sharply glaring at me. “Do NOT continue with that line of thought, Moonshade. You have friends, or at least ponies who want to try to be your friend. And not just myself, but what about Lily, Sunstreak and Almond? When was the last time you talked to them?”

I can feel the weight of their eyes as they wait for me to answer, silently prodding it out of me. “I… maybe two weeks or so.”

Sunshine speaks up, possibly by using a hoof to cut off Twilight’s response. “And why is it that you have not talked to them in so long?”

“Because I shouldn’t have friends, no pony should be associated with a monster. Especially three ponies I have tried to kill. She may try to hide it, but Lily is still scared to death of me, I can see it in her eyes. It is better for me and for every pony else.” My voice, while rough from the dryness of my vocal chords have also taken on a deadened, empty tone.

“Twilight, I know you are the Princess of Friendship, and I think it would be best if you are able to get her away from this city and castle. Maybe introduce her to your friends and invite these three ponies you mentioned as well. Also, changing this room’s decor would also be a major help.” As he addresses the lavender alicorn I can’t help but wonder if his idea would actually work, or if it would be just a waste of time and energy.

‘You know that Twilight’s friends will never accept you, so why even try? That is of course if the judges go along with this in the first place. Besides, you said it yourself, Lily and her friends are scared of you, why force them to be with a pony that they fear?’

So lost am I in the inner dialog it takes me some time to register that the doctor is addressing me. “Moonshade, I want to see you again in a week, okay. Between now and then I want you to start a thought and feeling journal, to help keep track of when you are feeling depressed or even happy. I really want you to give this experiment with Twilight a try and open up.” He lays down a couple pamphlets of paper on my bedside table after standing up and follows the youngest princess out the door.

As they leave me alone again, feelings of abandonment start to take root, mixing with the negative thought storm I find myself in. I curl up around a pair of my favorite stuffed toys, cradling them tightly to my chest in a futile attempt for comfort and I just stay there laying in my bed, waiting.
I have no idea how long it has been after they left, but Twilight returns, her voice sounding bubbly and excited. “Moonshade, I need to go back home for now but I have gotten permission from the judges and have already made arrangements for your visit. Both Celestia and Luna have agreed this is for the best, I will be here in the morning to help get you packed. I will see you tomorrow okay?" As she departs with a smile both mom and auntie look in on me from the doorway, concern evident in their expressions as I drift off to sleep, again.