Equestria is a nation seemingly untouched by war, but not all wars consist of traditional armies and sieges. An attempt on Princess Luna's life was the opening salvo of a new covert conflict that threatens to shatter that peace that ponykind has enjoyed for 1000 years. When two aliens are inadvertently brought to Equestria, they find themselves thrown into a conflict that all the players see them as crucial to either Equestria's salvation, or its destruction.
Note: This is a complete rewrite from the previous incarnation.
Chapters (5)
"Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom several ponies of ill character gathered around a U shaped table within a mobile dome shaped headquarters as it broke the surface of the murky brown water."
And then in a bright flash of light the caped crusaders appeared!
Superman : Alright Luther, we're here to shut you down!
Superman : (looks around there. Sees the ponies. Looks at Batman.) I think you got the dimensional coordinates wrong.
Batman : (checks his gizmo) Yes.
Robin : (looks around now) So, do we fight this Legion of Doom now?
Apache Chief : (concentrates) I sense great evil withing them all.
Wonder Woman : (nods) Then we must do something about this.
Flash : (nods) One Legion of Doom is the same as another, just beat them up right now.
*BAM*
*POW*
*PUNCH*
*HIT*
Bad Guy Ponies : (all fall down) OWIEE!
And that is how the Legion of Doom met its end at the alien hands.^_^
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This bit needs a rewrite, it doesn't make sense.
Should be deserved
Keep the tense of the chapter consistent, change 'pick' to 'picked'
Add a comma after 'magic'
Change 'in' to 'into'
Add a comma after 'water'
Change 'so' to 'she'
What caused her to stop halfway?
This part needs a rewrite, it doesn't make sense.
Add a comma after 'bath'
'Purview' does not make sense in this context, did you mean 'peruse'?
Add 'the' between 'All' and 'leads'
Change 'turn' to 'reveal'
Change 'usual' to 'unusual'
Remove the apostrophe from 'one's'
I am unsure if 'tactfully' makes sense in this context, did you mean 'carefully'?
Remove 'if I was caught'
I stopped reading at this point in the story. Perhaps if you got an editor and edited the story, removing all the mistakes, I will read it. But for now, I leave you with these corrections.
No comments? For shame!
Where did you get the idea for the chanted magic? In your "Of The Hive" series, you used it as Sphinx magic, but i can't tell if you created it or lifted the idea/execution from somewhere else?
No updates since November 2012? I am starting to let my new chapter pessimism take hold. Yeah, if there are no new chapters in the next 5 years, I am going to start to get concerned.