The glow of his horn quickly faded to darkness. The crack of hardening ice sounded and echoed, then fell to silence in short order. It was a perfect maneuver. After all, it wasn't as though he, or his team, were new to this sort of thing. They were masters of their craft, a fact that clearly hadn't been passed along to the poor soul who had come knocking.
As the echoes of cracking ice faded away, the unicorn stepped back and recovered his victim's fallen radio. He sparked his horn to minimum levels, just enough to give him light to see by. He carefully dismantled the radio, taking the extra step to destroy individual components as he spotted them. However, he left the cord that ran between the box and receiver. The wires inside were good materials.
After a moment, his work was finished. He stood up, worked out a crick in his neck, and gazed into the fearful eyes of his latest victim. The poor fool hadn't even had time to gasp. The unicorn wondered (not for the first time) how it must feel, to be frozen solid with a scream still clawing its way up his throat. An unfortunate side-effect of his method was that he could never ask his victims. Dead was dead.
"Well, that's one less we have to worry about," he mused, allowing his horn's light to fade. The hall was once again cast into darkness. For a moment, he debated what to do with the body before choosing to leave it where it stood. He made his way up the building, not bothering to hide the corpse. It wouldn't matter, anyway; as long as he and his team completed their tasks tonight, the dead pony in the hall would just be the first of many.
The next several flights of stairs were uneventful, except for the rare window that hadn't been boarded up. Unfiltered moonlight streamed in, but he made sure to duck beneath the sills to avoid being seen. With so much at stake and the goal so near, it wouldn't do to get careless now.
Minutes later, he arrived on the top floor. He slowly entered the nearby room, enduring the harsh creak of the neglected hinges. Both of his companions were waiting for him, standing just beyond the reach of the moonlight from yet another exposed window.
Winter Frost, the mare to his left, spoke first. "What was it?"
"Just another curious beat officer. I had to stalk him for a while to make sure he didn't inform his superiors."
Winter Frost heaved a relieved sigh. Stress visibly drained from her shoulders. "Good. I really don't want to deal with another prison cell this week."
To his right was Frigid Drift, who was far more impatient than worried. "So how about it, Whiteout? Can we keep going, or what?"
With a confident smile, Whiteout slowly nodded his head. "Yes. We shouldn't need to deal with any more delays. With our glyphs in place, we can finally accomplish what we've suffered so much to achieve."
"Spare me the speech, old man," Drift moaned, "or I'll add you to my list."
Whiteout didn't bother to reply. He had long-since grown accustomed to the pegasus' brashness. Instead, he waited a few seconds before clearing his throat and continuing. "The patrols are likely closer together, thanks to our scrape a few nights ago. Don't be stupid; watch for patterns and use any openings you can find. Coordinate with each other, and don't you dare lose any glyphs. If we're going to make this work, we need as many contact points as possible. You both have your radios?"
Drift nodded, lifting a wing to expose the lightweight variant that Frost had made. Frost, in turn, pulled out her own from her saddlebag, using the chance to also double-check its connections. She had always been a talented unicorn, though sometimes her desire to be careful got in the way of progress.
Whiteout nodded. "Good. I'll give both of you cover, then stay back and deal with whatever comes my way. You two use the mist to infiltrate the castle. Tell me the instant you're done, or if you run into trouble you can't handle."
For the first time, Frost showed the confidence that made her so dangerous. "What are they gonna do, blindly fire more nets at us? They'll have much bigger things to worry about pretty soon."
"Awh yeah," Drift agreed. He smiled wickedly. "That's what I like to hear."
Whiteout nodded again. "You each know what to do. Our mission begins soon, so get in position. And be smart about this."
Whiteout turned and exited the room to the persistent sound of rusty hinges. Darkness swallowed him once more, but he needed no light now - the last stairway was directly in front of him. He made his way up the final few steps and out the far door, emerging on the rooftop. Now fully exposed, he broke into a careful trot, keeping his head low and his horn dark. A moment later saw him near the edge of the building, where he could clearly see the streets below and the castle further away. Its own spotlights could almost put Luna's moon to shame.
He spared a moment to glare at the palace. This is it, he mused. Tonight, the nightmare will finally end. Maybe I can find some rest once this is behind me.
He looked down, spotting the hidden glyph he had carved into the stone of the roof earlier that night. He kept his eyes fixed on it as he pulled out his own radio and powered it on. The headset slid over his ear, and the mouthpiece wound beneath his snout at a comfortable distance. Winter Frost was an excellent engineer. "Test, test. Can both of you hear me?"
A soft crackle sounded in his ear. "I'm here," came the voice of Winter Frost. "Frigid is nearly done."
A second crackle soon followed her voice. "I read you, old man. We're in position."
Whiteout allowed himself a smile all his own. It would have been chilling to anypony who saw it. "Excellent. Prepare for some noise, and take off in ten seconds from...now."
Another pair of cracks sounded in his ear. Whiteout looked away from the glyph and down the side of the building. From a window just one floor down, he could barely see the edge of a hoof, its owner poised and ready to push out into the night sky. Doubtless, his other partner was crouching low, psyching herself up for being carried. He was immensely proud of them both.
Eight seconds left. He pulled back and looked at the glyph once more, setting his hoof across its face. His horn sparked to life. A similar glyph, a circle carved into his fetlock, reacted to the first. Both began to glow, and then two seconds later, the lights of all three winked out.
One second later, an explosion rocked the street below. A water main had violently expanded as it froze over, filling the block with cold steam as thick as a snowstorm. Similar blasts of cold fog expanded from nearby blocks, the pressure allowing them to be expelled up into the air. Five seconds later, the entire street was cloaked, as was every building for several blocks.
"Go," he ordered. Below him, a telltale whoosh sounded as wings cut the air. He could barely see the shadowy figures of two ponies taking to the sky, one being held beneath the other, before losing sight of them entirely.
This sounds really good. I can't wait to read more.
An interesting start, but I don't really have the foggiest of a clue whats happening yet, or how exactly it ties into the description given.
Dividing Mcdougal's role among three ponies. Interesting. But who is the Wrath of this story?
Pretty good. Think I'll stay tuned for more.
I like this so far, although the description made me falter a little, this story is obviously not a pony-fied version of it's source. One like for you, now let's see how much better this can get, shall we?
i like it hope for morevery soon
This certainly has me grabbed. Nice starting point!
Nice. Good work so far.
Nice intro, good work.
Ahh, I know what you're going with here, and as someone who's done his own adaptation of FMA's manga/brotherhood, I wholeheartedly endorse this!
I'm really liking this so far! You caught my interest from the very beginning, and it lasted through the entire chapter. I'll read the rest tomorrow!
This first chapter was great! On to my favourites list and the next chapter!!!
Well pretty good first chapter. I'm enjoying the build up of this chapter. Everything seem good so far.
When I initially read the story's description my first impression was: "Oh great, another crossover that just rips off the original story of a show, book, or game. Why should I waste my time with it?" Then I stopped to consider that I had read 'rip-off' stories in the past and found them to be enjoyable (not to mention that I had written a few myself for several games in other fandoms), and given the fact that this one is a collab that it stood a better chance of falling into the likeable category.
So far I'm pleasantly surprised. I really had expected this to be a complete rip-off, but it looks as of this moment like you're taking this in a different direction.
Granted this is only the first part of many.
That having been said, if you want to attract additional readers once you've published it, I'd suggest altering the description. Fans of Fullmetal Alchemist will probably read it on principal, but that's just them. Other potential readers will likely reach the same conclusion I initially did and walk away without a second thought.
An interesting start. I'll see where this goes before I decide on what to do with it but my interest has been peeked.
I was expecting something like the beginning of Full metal alchemist. This isn't what I was expecting. I like where this is going.
Intresting start, I hope this keeps up for the rest of the story.
Pretty nice. I really like Fullmetal Alchemist and I actually like how this appears to not be following it to the letter.
Ever since I've watched the video similar to this, I wondered if anybody will write the story.
This is looking very good. Thank you for recommending this to me "Twilight is the BEST". I will be looking forward to reading more of this story.
Good start, nice details, and no grammar errors that I could see. Defiantly gonna be keeping an eye on this.
.1 "It's almost time, get in postion, and don't screw up."
but he didn't need the light anymore
one held
Hmm this was good for a first chapter. The villian team were interesting, I suppose they are some sort of terrorist? Forgive me If they are an obvious reference to FMA that I'm not getting. It's probably been five or six years since I watched either of the two versions of it. Perhaps they were the pony version of Ishballans? Forgive me again if I misspelled that.
I do like this concept though. The fusion of FMA and MLP will likely shake down very differently from either series.
Tell me though, does alchemy replace magic entirely or is it just an additional discipline along side magic?
The reason I ask is that it's inclusion would really break the status quo of how alchemy functions in the FMA universe. For alchemy you must give something up to achieve the effect you want but magic allows you to do much more for a far cheaper cost.
Awesome start, I'm already liking how it's starting and the first few characters are really interesting.
Also I love FMA so it won't be a problem for me getting hook on this.
I love Fullmetal Alchemist! The First chapter was great!
I was not expecting this! I was expecting it to at least start out the way Fullmetal Alchemist did, but the beginning completly surprised me. This has peeked my interest.
Instead of "old man", it should be something that doesn't reference humanity. Afterall, this is a ponyverse.
Hmm... you have my attention...
7494804 Agreed.
This in tweeg's me
just thought I would let you know, silver knight removed his reading of this story from YouTube
Interesting. Very interesting!
I don't like Full Metal Alchemist; therefore, never watched it, and this intro left my very confused.
I'm essentially in the same ballpark as Flutters Is Shy, but in the sense that I'm completely unfamiliar with the material it's based on, yet also intrigued by how this narration is presented. Guess I need to keep reading and find out more about these characters. So far, so good.
This story, or at least the first "chapter", seems to suffer from a mild case of Said Bookism, by which I mean that the author tries to avoid just saying "he said" or "she said". Sometimes the identifier is just dropped completely, which would be a solution, but right now it's just a clutter. Also, what is up with the italics? They are all over the place. Thinking, emphasis, dialogue. It's so confusing. Please stop using it as a crutch. Moreover, I wish the paragraphs were more meaty, like in a real story. Glancing over to the next chapter, I can see that paragraphs get dropped altogether. Instead it's just a long list of sentences that supposedly form a narrative.
Finally, why are the chapters so short? Is this supposed to be an adventure story or a script for a comic strip? The chapters are so short that they can't even be numbered with integers, but with decimal numbers instead. I don't know why you would do that, but I found it hilarious.
Finally got around to reading this first chapter. It's good enough that I plan on reading the rest eventually, though when I'll do that I have no idea.
As I see has already been mentioned in the comments, you seem afraid of using "he said" or "she said." This is normal - I fear using it too much as well. However, sometimes people (or, well, ponies) just say things normally. While we do need to mix it up from time to time to prevent overuse, we don't want to completely work it out of the writing. Though I completely understand this - I feel like I use he said and she said too much, even though I never get complaints about it. XD
The writing itself was good and compelling. Not top-notch, but then again neither is mine.
Now, I've read the entire Fullmetal Alchemist manga, so I'm at least somewhat familiar with the world. It's been a LOOOONG time since I read the first issue though, so the early chapters may be fuzzy in my memory. As of right now, I see little connection between the world of FMA and this story - I'm intrigued to know if you changed it dramatically, or if I'm just remembering badly.
Hope to read more soon!
-GM, master of feedback.
A good and interesting start.
Let's see where the story goes. :)
Seems to have a very good premise and is very well written. I think I can safely assume that this will be a good story.
Okay so I read your first chapter and this is literally just FMA with ponies swapped in for humans. There's no rhyme or reason to it. They're just ponies because how else would you put it on Fimfiction. You can actually replace all the ponies with humans and remove everything even remotely pony, and nothing changes but the names and faces. This means you fail the non pony rule of fiction. If you want to write an FMA fanfiction then do so but if you're going to add ponies there had better be a reason for them or you've made a critical error.
Your writing is actually decent but because this really shouldn't be pony I cannot take it seriously as a work of fiction.
2/10
The writing leaves me wanting more. I applaud you for making me interested in how the story turns out. As a fan of both Fullmetel Alchemist and My Little Pony, I give you a full 10 out of 10.
I have seen the show... and this is just per-fec-tion; the first episode of Brotherhood showed a bit mystery and when it revealed the main characters... It has been a while, to say the least.
This first chapter showed the mystery and deep character that Brotherhood also showed; every episode was a mystery of its own and yet, each mystery somehow was connected to one another in the end... If had to put a rating for this... I had to say 11/10; I am so glad I was introduced to this story.
8388431
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Here's hoping we won't disappoint.