I am a Princess Unikitty!
My name is Octavia Philharmonic. And this is the story of how my new life. The life that started when I died and became a vampire pony. And it all started with my older sister, Melody Note. But these days, most know her as Vinyl Scratch.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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More please
Can't wait for mor this story is really cool
The story just keeps getting better and better.
6776589 And it's going to get better now that I've gotten past this chapter. I've got some awesome world building planned for this verse.
6776632 Awesome!
Can't wait to read it.
At author's behest I am spewing my vitriol and unloading all of my hatred on this fic.
I shall strive to be helpful and not-too-mean though.
So.
Grammar
Out of ten fics I've reviewed, seven had grammatic errors. This one is not in the lucky minority.
There are hyphen mistakes "a two tone blue mane", tense mistakes "Laying on a bed", inconsistent capitalization "My Dad'll mourn like all dads do,", article mistakes with "the" and "a" ("It's a truth") and etc. And that's just the first chapter
It's not as bad as some things I've sampled but does require some editorial love and care.
Style
Overall it's ... kinda OK I guess. It's not very distinctive and at times awkward, but I can see an earnest attempt at some evocative imagery there.
One of the things that seems to be a constant eyesore, making the fic way less smooth and readable is the constant unnecessary words littering it.
That sort of sentence, while is used in the right time, could greatly benefit worm a rewrite that would remove the service words.
Things like "having" "though", "began" etc clutter the sentences, making them more awkward than emotional. I would advise to prune them carefully to streamline the thing.
An egregious example would be:
. The whole first part of the sentence is unnecessary, because it is rather obvious that the bitemarks would appear where she was bitten, and the text would work that much better if you just removed it.
The master knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away (c).
Word repetition happens. E.g. in Prologue Part Two, "amongst" is used twice in as many sentences.
Repeating verbatim that a mother had weak constitution is probably not great style either.
Likewise, you overuse some idioms. E.g. "her brain short-circuited" at least three times in a fic. Try to get more variety in comparisons
This whole paragraph, and in fact the whole surrounding part is very choppy, in my personal opinion you'd be better off uniting some of the sentences to make the flow better.
I've already filed a complaint with the Department of Redundancy Department, they will be coming for you shortly.
Using "again" twice and saying that a character apologized when he already apologized in direct speech is a sin in my books.
Dialogue at the end of Prologue P2 is... well to be honest it's pretty bad. Tavi is suddenly attacked, she has been stabbed, she is literally at the death's door, but the dialogue is at exactly same pace and style as her talking to a cute stallion after perfomance.
That does not convey the situation well at all.
I would strongly advise to use styles to separate out the Chapter/Part titles.
Triple exclamation points are OK in chats and forums, but not in writing. Use them very, very sparingly, at the end of the long rant, or better yet, don't use them at all. It looks amateurish.
Starting with chapter three there are some lapses in denotation of direct speech. Start it with a new line when appropriate.
Substance
Just straight off the bat - I do believe it's Octavia Philharmonica, at least according to Wiki.
The second prologue was very confusing. It started with already-vamped Octavia, who says that she has to talk about her sister Melody, but instead we get Octavia-centric flashback, so it's kinda weird.
A nitpick:
She'd still have air. It may not have oxigen, but unless the coffin is filled with earth, she'd still have air there.
Another silly note:
This all kinda reminds me of Twilight. Not the creepy-obsessive love part, thank G-d, but the vampire superspeed, the happy-go-lucky vampire, the family of vampires... nothing criminal here, just probably overdose of sporkings on my part. But then maybe you'd want to do some callbacks to classical monstrous vampires just in case.
Overall, this is a nice read, I can honestlly say that reading it was no chore.
My big note for this fic would be that it has a very, very slow pacing. Hardly anything happens, and as a matter of fact there is neither conflict nor active exploration for the most part of the fic. It's 90% vampire exposition, mostly, with an exception of Proligue. You might want to actually start working towards some more structured and intense plot, otherwise what you have is nice, but won't hold anyone's attention.
Maybe even cut down on the things you've written already. and try to re-distribute exposition later on. Otherwise people less patient and goal-oriented than me might abandon the ship before it fully sets sail, so to speak.
Please Continue working on this is the best one yet for me even better then My Roommate is a vampire. So if you can please continue the story so that I can read an amazing vampire story cause there aren't that many good ones and this has the potential to be great.
7673724 Thank you. I kinda built a whole verse for this story and I certainly hope I'll be able to introduce it to all of you.
7760252 It was what I could come up with since I'm pretty darn sure that vinyl didn't exist back then.
Love this fic! Very unique too. I hope to see more.
7784795
Vinyl records were made around 1948. The Industrial Revolution began around 1760. MLP: FiM is, from what I could piece together, is somewhere around 1883 to 1950. The story is currently set 500 years before that, making it around 1483 to 1550.
Simple answer, yes, vinyl records weren't made yet then.
P.S. - Narrowing it down further, MLP: FiM should be set around 1948 to 1950, with a few exceptions like turntables which were made in the 1980's.
I was wondering if this story could get a new chapter soon? Also, why is it on hiatus?
This story is so good, I would love to read more of it.
8794665
I'm glad you feel that way. I do have a rough plotline for this story but ended up getting a little stuck.
8794894
What has you stuck?
8795091
I'm introducing a new place and things just sort ground to a halt.
8795904
I know the feeling
When I saw the hiatus tag, I almost killed the nearest person in the most brutal way possible. Which is you. By the way I'm just joking here, please don't take this seriously. Just GIVE ME AN UPDATE FOR FAUST'S SAKE
9376994
Sorry, things have gotten busy and I've had my focus elsewhere. Also I've been questioning the quality of this fiction.