The following takes place after "Super-Squeezy 3000" but certainly before "A Canterlot Wedding".
*** URGENT ***
Rogue asset notice.
The retriever 'Elijah' failed to submit for decommissioning after he allowed a rogue assent escape. As such, our immaculate and supreme sovereign Queen has chosen you, 'Absalom', to find him and retrieve him. He was last seen near the pony settlement 'Ponyville' in 'Region 5' (please consult your map). Make your way to the region and consult the local contact 'Joshua' for more information. As always, be concise and discreet in your retrieval. Carelessness leads to sloppiness, sloppiness leads to questions, questions lead to investigations, investigations lead to unfortunate discoveries and unfortunate discoveries lead to decommissioning.
Please collect the following supplies from the quartermaster:
- 1 brown carrying bag
- 1 Wester-Moggin standard issue wrist mounted crossbow
- 6 crossbow bolts
- 1 'Region 5' map
- 1 pair of pliers
- 1 retrieved asset bag
- 3 MRE packets
Always remember the identification phrase: A; "I am not one of them..." B; "...but they all know me by name."
Always remember to keep the stories of your skins straight.
Always remember to inform the region agent if you are creating new or retiring old skins.
Always remember the maximum skins per asset, barring emergencies, is three.
Always remember that discretion is our way.
Always remember that you can be replaced.
Retrieve 'Elijah' and return for further assignment.
Hi, Twitterdick! I saw that you posted this story in Authors Helping Authors, and I wanted to give it a review! After you were so kind as to review Brother Against Sister, I figured I'd get you back. Warning, no holds barred here!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: My Name is Elijah
Grammar score out of 10: 5
Pros (list three pros)
1. Good characterization of Flim and Flam, they are loyal to their show counterparts.
2. Good job showing rather than telling. The robbery scene and the forest scene were particularly well fleshed-out, as was Absalom's nightmare at the end. Great use of sensory language.
3. I enjoyed the world-building that you did around the changelings and how they deal with dissenters. For a story just under 10,000 words, you certainly revealed quite a bit.
Cons (list three cons)
1. The grammar needs a lot of work.
2. The word choice is a bit peculiar at times.
3. The descriptions of ponies that you list can be rather tedious.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
The grammar needs some work. Issues I noticed include confusion of homophones such as passed and past, very and vary, or its and it's. There are also several extra words that should have been caught by either a proof-reader, or by yourself, such as "Everfree Forest forest" in chapter three. Next time, I'd recommend reading the story aloud to yourself and seeing if it sounds right.
Sometimes, your lack of punctuation interferes with what otherwise would be a touching moment of the story. There should be at least two commas in this sentence. Preferably, I'd make it two sentences and remove some of the wordiness.
"The dust that they whom he had murdered burst into now covered his face and his back and the residue sand that had engulfed them and dissolved them got caught in his eyes and in his mouth."
Read that aloud to yourself. Does it sound right? No. It might have sounded right in your head when you were writing it, but that doesn't mean that it will sound good in your reader's head. Try this:
"The dust of the hunter's victims now covered his face and back. The residue sand that had engulfed and dissolved them got caught in his eyes and mouth."
Try to break yourself of the habit of protagonist filtering. Saying "the character saw X" takes the reader out of the immersion.
Here is yours:
"Frogs croaked along the murky contours of the river, and she saw dragonflies and could make out the heads of turtles in the water."
A better way to phrase it might be:
"Frogs croaked along the murky contours of the river, dragonflies buzzed around, and turtles poked their heads out through the surface of the water."
"Others would tell him some orange earth pony wandered through from Apple Loosa and took up work at a local diner."
Appleloosa is one word.
“Oh, I remember seeing a pony like that,” quoted the local librarian.
I know that some authors don't like using the word "said" and try to switch it up. For the record, this is a habit that I disagree with, but I'll tolerate it when I'm reading. However, you must be careful with "said-bookism" that you don't use an inappropriate verb. The word "quote" has a specific meaning. Unless the librarian was relaying what another pony said, she's not "quoting" anything.
Try to switch up the description of ponies that you give. "Gender. Race. Eye color. Mane Color. Etc." Reading that over and over again can be tedious. I get that you are trying to portray changelings and how they analyze the world, but you've already made your point there by example two or three.
In the forest, did Elijah forget that he could fly? Changelings are seen hovering all the time in the Royal Wedding episode. Why didn't he just fly out of the forest?
You imply towards the end that Queen Chrysalis sits on her throne and does "nothing" and lets her drones do all the work. But this contradicts canon. In the Royal Wedding episode, we see her personally take on the form of Cadance in order to deceive Equestria. Far from doing nothing, she actually seems more involved in the plans of her subjects than Celestia does with the mane six!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Cake Chronicles. Like your story, it also revolves around changelings. I hope that you are as critical of it as you were of Brother Against Sister, as I could really use the feedback!
Thanks.
6476841
Hey, man - thanks for taking the time to read the story, I really appreciate it.
Oh, stop it you! Honestly, thanks. It means a lot to see that at least some of the ideas in my noggin made it onto the page.
Admittedly, grammar and phrasing are my weakest points, as I'm relatively new to prose writing, so your review was really helpful. I'll work on the editing and adjust the places you pointed out and see if I can't spot any more. I'm bad, bad, bad at proofreading and a bit lazy when I do, so thanks for calling me out on it.
I'm a peculiar motherfucker. ;)
Yeah, I was kinda afraid of that, but I chose to do it (and I'll keep it) to show that changeling drones don't ever look at anyone as an individual, only a series of characteristics or a title, like librarian. All names, like 'Elijah', 'Absalom' or 'Joshua' are in quotes because the those changelings have names for a practical purpose, but don't give them any meaning or find them significant. The exception is the very last Absalom, because he finally considers himself a person.
I know, but I couldn't just have him stop doing it. It be kinda strange. 'Oh, that characteristic thing he does? Yeah, he doesn't do it anymore because reasons.'
Changed immediately. I don't remember writing 'quoted' and I don't know why I did. Personally, I'm a big fan of 'said'. Short, sweet and to the point. Also, that way when you use 'shouted' or 'asked' or whatever, it carries actual weight.
That, my friend, is what they call a plot hole. I guess I could struggle to justify it, but mainly Elijah didn't fly away because I had already decided that he was going to get killed.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but I wasn't going for 'Queen Chrysalis doesn't do anything' - more like 'Queen Chrysalis doesn't give a shit about what happens to the drones, just as long as she gets her way'. It was just the personality I wanted her to have, since (tinfoil future story idea time, children) in my head, her entire changeling hive falls apart after the Canterlot wedding and she doesn't really do anything to stop it, even though it's in her best interest to do so. She's too busy sulking because she didn't get her way. I have a habit of just assigning personalities to canon characters that aren't particularly fleshed out too much based on how I want the story to go. Yeah, she says she wants to feed the changelings, and that's why she attacks Canterlot, but she only wanted their stuff, and changelings were just the way to get it.
I'm hoping that I'm not dashing anyone's Chrysalis love, but I don't have any love for Chrysalis, so boo her. Honestly, she's only there because I feel like a changeling story at least as to mention her (and also to foreshadow future things...)
...Careful what you wish for. MWA-HA-HA!!! I'll get to reading it and will probably have a review posted on it next week. Don't worry, I'm pretty critical (although I do praise when I really like something, it just isn't as memorable.)
Thanks again, man.