Forced by the landlady he rents a house from to 'get a REAL JOB, or GET OUT,' the once proud Super-Duper Party Pony Cheese Sandwich, now faced with mounting debts and a drying-up party career with only dwindling income to show for it, is forced to re-examine his life, his dreams, his goals, and worst of all----face the reality of becoming a normal 9-to-5 workhorse, like 'everypony else.' Party's over, Cheese. Welcome to.... what, exactly?
This story has been written out of sheer terror and desperation, as a coping tool for making a tough life-changing choice for me: continue my career as a community health care circuit entertainer (a life of pure happiness but not much money) or take an overnight industrial assembly job (a life of pure drudgery and plenty of money for bills, but not much happiness.) If your arm (or hoof) has ever been twisted like this, you already know how painful and confusing this tale is going to be, before ever reading it. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK...
... there, there.
This time shall pass.
It feels like an actual episode from the show.
Woo--hoo-HOO! Now THAT was a doozie! Thanks, Thaumic!
Hmm... who wants to bet some kind of canon counterpart is being cooked up right now for Season 6?
(Well, I don't have time to wait; I'm going through this crisis right now.)
Hi Pensacola, Cranston here.
You asked for opinion and here's mine.
I think you have a real story here, you just don't tell it well. I couldn't even tell when a scene transitioned, much less what was said to whom. None of your dialogue has quotation marks, making it recognizable as dialogue. You don't describe any of your scenes or backgrounds, so I have no idea where this happened. You don't even describe the landlady at all. Is she a pony or a bodiless voice?
On the other hoof, the sheer, raw emotion was palpable, even from here. I liked the raw fury a lot.
I'll look at more chapters, but this one shows that this is a rough draft that needed more work before publishing.
This was an improvement over the previous chapter. You actually described actions and used dialogue markings. You also got Pinkie's character well. Not bad.
You're getting better with each chapter. I agree with the previous commenter. This feels like an episode of the show.
Although Twilight feels a little aggressive for her normal character, especially in Season 4 when she seems more relaxed after her super-saiyan fights.
I like where you're going with this. It makes sense.
Also, Twilight seems to be growing in the Dark Side of The Force.
WUMP! Okay, you get +1 AC because of the use of awesome words. I always liked this one.
This is your best chapter yet. Feel free to describe new surroundings when you go places not typically shown in the show.
I love introspection and this is done well.
Thanks, LCranston.
As for Dark Twilight, well...my landlord's family was no less dark in their talks with me, about finding a new full-time job.
I wanted to reflect that in this story, and in my mind, it seemed to make the most sense coming from Twilight, than from any other of the Mane 6.
Also, since my landlord is also a Baptist deacon at our neighborhood church, he has a sympathetic & motivational side, too.
I chose to reflect that in Pinkie Pie, as the one friend closest to Cheese Sandwich.
Thanks, Leonzilla. I needed that...
***
Okay, LCranston... I've modified the original text to read in a more linear fashion, like an actual published novel. I've added quotation marks, time & scene transitions, a little more character & background descriptions, and even some weather effects to highlight Cheese's turmoil. Will be tweaking the rest of the story a little more, and hopefully...add some new chapters soon.
Oh, I wasn't going by post Season 4 example with Twilight...
I was writing in post-Double Rainboom & Tanks for the Memories tense... in response to Rainbow Dash's uncanny ability to suffer no consequences for her mischief, at the end of both stories. Well, in my stories, all that changes. The by-product: a darker, more stern, more uptight, more... (sigh, yes) parental Twilight than originally intended, to her more impetuous friends. Such is the royal price of a princess crown...
(You'll find more of this in Ex-Evils Anonymous.)
This is a great story so far, I hope you will find the energy to continue this story. I hope things will go better for you and your life.
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Thanks, Mix-Up.
My online time is short this Christmas season, but by and by, I'll grab the time while I can.
Making notes as I go, for the next chapter. I need to expand my Weird Al Yankovic CD collection. Only 2 so far, and not very up to date.
6701174 well i'm looking forward to reading it. It is fun to see Cheese Sandwich trying to get by and trying to see to good side of every situations.