• Published 29th Jul 2015
  • 726 Views, 27 Comments

Public Relations Department - ThePristineEye



The first ever PR firm is established in Equestria. It quickly becomes the go to place for villains wanting an easier life.

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Chapter 3: First Customer Part 4

“So Luna won't be able to find us unless she's within a twenty-one kilometer radius you say?” Swift questioned Nightmare. His mind soon recalled old news he had gotten. “So that gives us until Nightmare Night, exactly six days 'till our contracts deadline, how convenient.”

“Why twenty-one kilometers? seems oddly specific. Why not a more rounded number?” Cap added unhelpfully.

“Oh, I don't know, it's the legal drinking age in--” Nightmare gave up on her sarcastic reply. “I don't bucking know! It's magic!”

“Jeez, you don't have to go popping a blood vessel, just curious,” Cap said. The kitten, which was now unfortunately named Lunch, suddenly jumped on the table in front of Cap and invited him to pet her, which he happily obliged.

“Honestly, we probably have less than a week. If Luna can't find any of us in a week than she's more inept that I thought.” Nightmare pondered.

“Right then,” Swift said with a thin layer of enthusiasm. “Then not a moment to waste. Firstly, I'd think it'd be best if we issued an apology letter to that purple pony and her friends, then we can--”

“An apology letter? I didn't do anything, not this time at least. Why should I apologize?”

“No, I never said you had to apologize, I said you have to write an apology letter. It's more of a formality and ultimately means nothing, but it can really save face and it can only do good for a public image, that is, if it's written well.” Swift stood up and pulled a pen and parchment from a supply cabinet behind him then set the items on the table in front of the black alicorn. “Surely you've written one before, you can dodge a lot of regulations with one written well enough.”

“Don't need to dodge regulations when you're the pony making them.” Nightmare popped the cap off the pen and readied the paper in front of her. “Last thing I remember writing was some guide on proper torture methods I think.”

“It wasn't that one bound in pony skin and had a whole chapter on quick spinal removal methods, was it?” Cap asked.

“Well, I had to include that chapter, or else the chapter on non-conventional torture weaponry would have made no sense.”

“Oh, well, writing an apology letter is very similar to explaining how to remove a spine,” Swift said without even listening to his own words. “Wait, just without the, um... spine removal part. Just keep it friendly, informal, and brief.”

“Hmm, alright, but its a waste of time if you ask me.” She began to scribble away on the sheet of paper. She wrote in a very concise and uniform cursive that was borderline print quality. Despite claiming never writing a letter of this sorts, her words flowed onto the paper with ease. She was finished with the letter within a matter of minutes. “Done.” she stated plainly as she placed the final period and tossed the pen aside.

Swift took the letter in his own hoofs for review and began reading aloud. “Dear Twilight Sparkle, Despite the fact I've wanted nothing more but to pull out your entrails and spread them acro-- Oh no, just, no. what did I say about being friendly? That is the complete opposite of what this kind of letter entails.” Swift lectured.

“Oh please, you hardly read the introduction. I go on to much more pleasantries later on.”

Swift's eyes scanned over the document. “No, you don't! The rest of this letter reads like a terrorist's bomb threat!”

Nightmares composure shifted from a nonchalant stance to an offended one in a blink of an eye. “How many times do I have to say this, I'm not a ruddy terrorist!”

“Then stop sounding and acting like one!” Swift eloquently folded the letter then spread a wing. With one swift movement of his cartilage appendage the folded up letter went flying over to the dustbin across the room. A pleasant kind of business grin crept onto Swift's lips “How about I write up the letter, and you just sign it.”

Nightmare, seeing as the earlier thing about terrorists had passed, relaxed a bit in her chair then simply shrugged. “If it means less work for me, then so be it.” She then looked at her wrist as if checking the time. She didn't have a watch, so the gesture may have seemed pointless, and it was, unless she was checking the direction and size of her fur's shadow but that'd also be pointless since she was indoors “I have to go home and take out the garbage before eight o' clock. I'll be back, eventually.” Without any further words she got up from her seat and exited the room giving them an out of place polite nod on her way out.

Swift had procured another piece of parchment and was already scribbling hardly readable chicken scratch onto it. Swift began to regret his decision to let her leave as he forgot how ridiculous it was to write with your mouth. You'd think with years of practice your mouth writing would improve, but it never did. Pony jaws just don't have that much dexterity.

Cap stared at the door and rubbed his chin. “Something about her was off, she seemed slightly more pleasant. I mean, last time she exited that door she broke the hinges. What do you think she meant by garbage?”

Swift continued to scribble away, hardly giving his friend a glance. “It's garbage day, so she probably meant garbage.”

“Oh, but she put some weird emphasis on the word garbage and you emphasis that word if you actually mean something else; like a dead body. Does she even have a house here? You'd think I'd hear about that.”

“Your imagination is getting the better of you Cap. In any case, the less I hear about it the better. I can't imagine a dead body would do much good for her publicity.”

“Well, we gotta make sure she disposes of it properly or else--”

Swift put down the pen and began rubbing his temples. “Look, Cap, I don't think Nightmare Moon has a dead body in her house,” Swift asserted, “and I'm not going to follow her around all day to find out. If you're so inclined feel free, but I just want to finish this letter so we can move onto something more important.” Swift looked at the paper he had written on, crumpled it up, then gave it a wing slap into the dustbin.

Author's Note:

Felt that I have been silent a bit too long, so I released a chunk. It's small and likely riddled with issues. But hey, something is better than nothing.

Comments ( 3 )

Once again, I cannot tell if this is a crackfic or a real story. And I don't think that that's a bad thing.

Every time I read a chapter, I have a genuine smile on my face. Thanks for writing.

Bout time I saw this again....

Uh. They finally got to some actual PR work...

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