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Prolouge: The Puzzles I Sought2,212 words
|Case 1: The Doctor is In| Cry Doctor2,811 words
|Case 1| Discussion864 words
|Case 1 Solution|Gak is Whack3,536 words
|Case 1 Finale|House's Heartache & Wilson's Headache1,366 words
Random Snippet|April Fools|505 words
|Case Two: Find Yourself| Pulling the Luck1,786 words

|Case 1 Solution|Gak is Whack

"So, good news and bad news, ladies and gentlemen," I called over the PA, holding back a very disgruntled nurse back with my gift of longer legs. The clinic was steadily filling with technicolor ponies, most of them for colds that's easily fixable, some of them not having health insurance, and most of them idiots who can't tell in yellow snot means they have Hay Fever or not. "Good news, a filly is about to die of her wounds because none of my doctors are useful."

"Hey!" Cameron snapped, glaring at me intensively. My leg was starting to really hurt now, like a tightening and stabbing pain in my thighs that ping down to my knee. Cameron, on the other hand/hoof, She was sitting on her haunches in front of me, her purple-pinkish irises seemed sharp like a circular saw blade. She had her purple tail folded neatly beside her hooves, her cutie mark was a giant star with multiple little stars. "I already told you what I thought it was!"

Wait, something's not right.

Cameron isn't being bitchy.

And I ran out of Vicodin and I need my Vicodin.

"You're idea will the writing on the grave of Guppy," I retorted, voice still amplified across the Clinic. My leg started to tighten the more I said my employed doctors' names, I don't even know why this is happening but it's painful. I need my Vicodin. "Magic Deformation would only cause her body and her eyes to shrivel up like Chase's testes every time he see's Thirteen, not a coma."

"Whose Chase?" Cameron, stupidly, asked. How could she not know, she's slept with him for a month in a half, most of them in very exotic locations. I'm pretty sure she's doing the same thing with Thirteen, and she's just playing stupid. Either that, or she's really— actually that stupid, I don't know, I need my Vicodin.

"Whose Thirteen?" Foreman asked, and I shot him a shut up and let me concentrate on my sarcasm look.

"Okay, how's Dimpy?" I asked, the microphone still on the entire time.

"Dinky," Foreman corrected, sitting on a chair, sipping what I think is root beer from a cafeteria cup and straw. I need my Vicodin. Foreman's spiky mane was something that I found annoying, which was flipped back down his head. "Besides, you were wrong about the leeches; ultrasound came back empty, back to square one."

"Excuse me, I'm a doctor at work slash cripple slash ex-serial killer slash two feet taller than you." I looked back at the nurse with my voice metaphorically filled with sarcasm, my leg was still being weakly pounded on by a nurse. I nudged her away by bending my knee and extending it again. She gave up and went around the desk, straight into Cuddy's office. I need my Vicodin.

"So, five dollars to whoever can come up with an explanation to a Filly untimely death. Two dollars if you can diagnose her. One dollar if you leave the clinic." I announced over the microphone, my eyes scanning the ponies with hidden acidic eyes. I looked over to the other doctors, and I ended up rolling my eyes. I need my Vicodin.

"So I should tell you her symptoms?" There was an unanimous nod, I need my Vicodin. "Okay then, our patient is in a coma from what looks like Inwards Magical Discharge (IDM), however, there are no signs of Magical Scarring which means no magic was fired at all; her horn is manifesting itself in crystal form, or commonly known as Manifestum Cornu which means there's a build up of Magical Charge.

Her eyes show clotting in her magical receivers, but unlike regular clots, this one can't be pulled out by an Angio-Gram. Our biggest and most deadliest, why is she creating sores mostly around her inner ear and horn? It's not environmental, no way in hell can it be infection, and definitely not lupus."

One pony doctor raised his hoof.

"Yes, you with the bat-ears!" I pointed my cane at him, sort of with an auction-man voice. I internally hissed in pain, and gripped on my thighs as if pressure would relieve the pain in any measure what so ever. "Step right up, don't be shy, I don't bite. I do eat meat and I'm pretty hungry, starving; Sure, I want Pony for lunch, come here!"

If I ever cleared a clinic fast enough in the past with humans, this topples my new record of being the most scary thing since... I don't know... cripples? Even the doctors took the liberty of running out of the hospital like a bat out of... well... a hospital. I think my metaphor flopped, I need my Vicodin.

"House!" I heard a sharp voice behind me, I gripped my cane hard for a moment. The only thing sharper than Redheart's voice was the pain in my leg, and I didn't have any Vicodin to numb it. However much pain I'm feeling, I refuse to be bullied by my boss who doesn't bully me at all and again my metaphor flopped.

Gimme my pills.

"Sweetheart!" A play on her name, while being informal, also obnoxious at the same time. "Have you came to quench thy thirst?"

Redheart flinched at the pet name, a small patch of her snout and cheeks seemed to blush dully, I'm pretty sure the words of the infamous Vince McMahon 'You're fired' forming in her chest as, I'm pretty sure is, frustration and embarrassment quickly surfaced in her piercing blue eyes.

However, the thirst remark flew over her head.

"First of all—" Redheart pulled my cane from my grip, and I landed in the soft cushions of the office chair that the nurses use. Now I was eye level with her, her hooves now digging into my knees as she props herself up to tower over me. Her firm use of dominance, required her hoof pressing against my injured thighs.

"Is it already time for my lap dance?" Cameron and Foreman quickly took a step back, gained their distance before I could flirt with them or Redheart fire them too, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of a pissy Redheart and a flirty, also in pain, Doctor House. Either equally a fate worse than death, especially getting fired by Redheart, she loves to make sure the town knows you're a failure.

"No, shut up," Redheart snarled, leaning on her right intentionally hoof intentionally, causing pressure on my infarction to generate static like pain. Oh god, she might be a sadist, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't already live in pain almost everyday. I also don't like pain, I need my Vicodin.

Aw god, that hurts worse than any father whose ever punched me out

"First of all, you will never call me that again," Redheart ordered,

"How is your relationship with your therapist, I think you need to give him a call—" I heard Foreman, suspected black time traveler, commented.

"Thank you Foreman!"

"...uh" Foreman looked at Twili—Cameron, whom looked back at Cuddy.

No, that's not right. I shook my head and tried to comprehend that again.

Fooves looked at Camright, who looked at Ruddy.

What the hell...

I shook my head again,

Wait.

"Whose Foreman?" Hooves inquired, his flashlight shining in my eyes. "Pupils normal... despite somepony who pops Vicodin like it's sunflower seeds"

"House," Cuddy looked at me again, this time more confused than anything. "House, are you okay?"

No, she's not here.

Wait.

Hooves was just Foreman moment ago.

What's going on with my head—

Head.

Head

something about the head.

There was something environmental

but what!?

Is it in her hair?

I blinked, and it was like nothing ever happened, no one moved, there were no lingering subconscious of my former doctors.

"Am I understood?!" Redheart snarled, she must have missed my look of breakthrough thinking. I leaned in close to her, and swiped her prescription pad and held it in front of her. I also reached in my own pocket and held out an empty Vicodin bottle, the detoxing of Vicodin is causing me to hallucinate and become confused, obviously the pain is unbearable. I need more.

It was a brief pause before Redheart calmed down.

"Again? You had that refilled two weeks ago!" Cuddy groaned/whined, "You're going to end up overdosing in the next three months."

"House, it's all in your head," Cameron, not even close to bitchy. "Wake up, this isn't a game anymore. You're going to get ponies killed because of your stupid addiction!" There's the bitchiness.

"Sooner or later, you're going to crash," Thirteen commented, "And there'll be no one to pull you out of the wreck if you continue living like this."

"Thirteen's right, you know," Chase, the kiss up, added his two cents. When Cameron glared at him slightly, he got pussy-whipped again. "Okay, so is Cameron, but I'm not saying don't take the pills."

What was happening?

I don't understand.

"Chase!" Foreman chastised, "The whole point of this is to dissuade him from drugs so he stops making out of his head decisions!"

"It's not effecting me, I still get a job and paid, and a medical license."

Don't you own my Department of Diagnostics now?

I still don't understand, are they here now? Are they with me?

"House," A familiar voice called me and I felt my body chill up, this voice actually affecting me.

No, he's not here.

"I'm in pain," I avoided eye contact, the sudden appearance of Cuddy struck me in the heart like a dagger made of ice that was somehow burning my skin off. The other doctors only made my leg's pain go into overdrive, but his voice was like a fireball to my infarction, multiplied by twelve thousand suns.

"...Fine," Redheart took a pin from her pocket protector and wrote me a prescription. She handed it to me, but noticed something on my face, maybe I left some pony blood on my stubble and I was about to be dragged away by Royal Guards. I looked back up, noticing Doctor Twilight, Doctor Hooves, and Doctor Redheart studying my face.

"What?" I wiped my right eye, obvious liquid smearing across my hand.

"If I ever saw another pony in so much anguish, I'd say I was lying..." Doctor Hooves, murmured.

I felt my eye twitch.

"House, this is serious," Twilight cupped my face in her hooves, and I wanted to reel back but I couldn't.

I didn't want to.

"House, you're completely gray." Redheart's eyes widen like a dam exploding. "I mean... completely gray..."

"I miss them," I mumbled, feeling more and more... how can I say... conflicting. I felt at war with my brain, fighting it tooth and cane for dominance over it; and it looks like it's the battle of Gettysburg and I was on the Confederate side, getting my ass kicked I mean, not... you know... racist or anything.

That didn't work.

Something's wrong.

"There's gak in his hair..." Twilight announced, looking at Redheart gravely. "Discord's version of gak."

"Stop worrying about me," I shoved Twilight away, snatching my cane away from Redheart. I stood up, taking a comb from my pocket and marched my way down to Dinky's room.

Opening the slide door to Dinkie's room, I went straight for the grey mare who was petting her pretty pretty filly's mane. Too bad I have to separate them, I closed the door and jammed my walnut finish cane in the handle and pulled tightly: sucessfully locking the door with my own cane.

Yeah, I have two moments before the other ponies can stop me.

"Back off," I pulled the mare out of the way, to which the mare squeaked in horror/surprise. I sent the mare sprawling onto the marble floor, her displaced yellow/amber eyes staring at me in either fear or confusion, maybe both, I grabbed her fore-hoof and wrenched it forwards.

"H–hey!" The mare, or I should say Ditzy from reading the Foal's chart real quick, struggled and squirmed. "L–let me go! I just want to see Dinky get better!"

"Did she go anywhere near the Dark Forest?" I asked, still inspecting her hoof.

"Let me go–"

"Don't dodge the question," I didn't let go of her hoof, "Did she or did she not go to the Darkish Forest?"

"You mean the Everfree forest?!" Ditzy's eyes went wide, I scanned her face for any indication that she was lying. "She never told me she would go anywhere near there!"

"Everybody lies," I snaked, letting her go. She treasured her arm, holding it close to her chest. Ditzy retched dryly, maybe out of fear or out of something else. "And you are too."

"I'm not ly–"

"Your body's lying to you," I retorted. "You're hooves a bruising, despite me never putting any pressure onto it, your gag reflexes are out of control."

Ditzy was silent, I took that as confirmation.

"You work as a mail mare, right?"

"Yeah—"

"Did you get any ink in your eyes, any"

"One—"

"Jesus..."

I turned around and took a comb and fished over Dinky's hair, my head trying to come up with ways to break the news to her. The mare will be devastated, what of the filly...?

There it is.

Orange colored gak.

I grabbed a piece of it, and reeled back in a yelping pain. My fingertips now creating sores and blisters, which were now bursting in blood. I threw the gak onto the ground and stepped back.

"Doctor?!" Ditzy cried out at the sight of my blood, "What happened?! Are you okay?! Is Dinky okay?!"

I looked back at her.

"Better than you will be," I said, "You have Optical Radiation, stage four."

"I... what?"

Using this pony as a base for a mare with Optical Radiation Poisoning, (ORP), we can conclude two things about the diagnosis.

Obviously, the mare will experience the eyeball becoming unwieldy and the iris will travel to other places of the eye, sometimes across the working eye, sometimes random.

This is caused when the radiated optical nerve has became irreplaceable and irreparable, it'll slowly start to mutate the cells in and around the damaged eye before spreading to the brain, where it will kill the host. Afterwards, the mutated cells will keep the body in function, sort of like an undead zombie in a vegetable state.

Best news, She has two years to live.

Worst news, she'll start to become dumber.

Struggling to keep the tears inside, Derpy (I want to call her Derpy) looked back up at me. I was busy wrapping my hand in anti-bacteria and flavorless alcohol wraps, I looked outside to see the other ponies trying to get inside. I took my cane and unlocked the door, holding a piece of orange, now turning blue, gak in a pair of long tweezers.

"Magic coated, so potent it affected me." I declared proudly, even to a worried trio of ponies who were staring at the putty like substance. "Don't touch it, it'll literally rip through your skin and burst muscle."

"House! You're color! It's returning!" Redheart tried to suppress her smile, whilst Twilight and Doctor Hooves looked relieved.

"Ahem," I held the gak up higher. "This."

"That magic...." Twilight bit her lip, she was clicking the gears in her head, running the steam train, solving the rubrix cube, metaphors for thinking.

I'm back,

"That magic is Sombra's... I should have guessed it from the color of her eyes..." Doctor Hooves finished for Twilight; Hooves picked a shaken Derpy off the floor, whom seemed all too eager to embrace the pony. Hey, She needed some comfort from a doctor who hurls at the sight of blood. Also, Hooves owes me one hundred and twenty bits for the DNA test.

Hooves lied: He knew the mother more than he told, given that Dinky Hooves's sound much better than just plain Dinky.

"So, what about the kid...?" Redheart pointed out. "Is she going to life?"

"It's just gak that'll blister the skin and rip her muscles apart," I waited.

"Wha—" Doctor Hooves tried.

"Sh!"

"Hou—"

"SHSH!"

I looked at Twilight with over-exaggerated puppy dog eyes and a pout.

"...Okay, fine—" Twilight rolled her eyes, oh boy I'm enjoying this. "Doctor House, what's the diagnosis?" Her voice was literally dripping in venom of being wrong about Magical Deformation.

Okay, gak is literally everywhere; unless you live in a clean room or you completely scrub your house like a hospital, chances are: everypony's going to experience gak in some shape or form. It's pure logistics, nine out of ten ponies had it's run in with gak.

Gak is poisonous in large consumption, like a buffet of gak will kill you. Gak doesn't react well with stomach acid, and will cause Acid Reflux and vomiting to attempt to rid the body of this putty-like material. However, low particles of gak lives in food sometimes, even on Great Apple Acres.

In this instance, and if my history is correct ("Ahem!" Twilight growled, "You mistook Starswirl the Bearded for Starswirl The Beard, you know nothing about history."), when Sombra was defeated by the Elements of Harmony not too recently: his magic scattered across the planes of Equestria ad possibly further.

Magic isn't just a ionic bond, it's spirtual, emotional, ect. It can latch itself onto virtually anything it wants, for all we know: we could be coated in Rarity's magic and wouldn't even notice until we start speaking fancy.

Sombra's magic is violent, unstable, and very dangerous. His magic is impure, so touching his raw magic will literally kill you in one of the most painful way you can imagine, combine this magic with gak, and you got the excellent way to kill. Unless you have hair of any kind.

Gak cannot effect the hair particles of the mane or the coat of the body. And when magic binds itself into anything, the properties don't change. This is why the sores and blisters only happened inside of Dinky's ear, because that's the most exposed part of the pony body in relation to skin.

Treatment?

Flush the brain completely in distilled saline, replace the horn with a substitute; she should be find in a month or two for the brain to heal from the coma.

"So in general, Gak is whack," I rolled my eyes at the four slack jawed ponies in front of me. "Stick to weed, why are you looking at me like that?"

"You smiled—" Twilight replied.

"House, I've been working with you for almost a year" Redheart added, "I've never seen you more giddy about solving a case, and this was only in three days—"

"Wait, House can smile?" Hooves looked up, looking at me suspiciously. "Are you a changeling?"

"Pay me enough, I can be whatever you want."

"House, this is serious!" Twilight continued, "You're infected with Discord's style of gak! You could be suffering from a number of different illnessess, like depression, like huntington's, like lupus!"

"Oh god, it's never lupus, Twilight, how man times do I have to remind you?" I rolled my eyes.

I looked back at the still unconscious Dinky and winked.

"Everybody smiles."

Author's Note:

End of the first case.

Wow.

Today was productive.

I even got the second case starting, so enjoy this!

If you leave a rating, don't forget about commenting! I read all of them and I could learn from them too.

Case 2 and the rest will be better as far as story-wise, think of this like the First Episode of the show: They literally tell you nothing except the characters and the current situation. So you'll see more of the flushed out character and development of the team, not as they battle paradoxical illnesses, but the insanity of Doctor House that ensues.

I'm sure Pinkie'll enjoy the next chapter, as it'll feature her trying to make a poor wittle miserable doctor happy

After this chapter goes live, as of 8/15/2015, I'll be working on the other patient and their problems, so this story will fall under Hiatus for a brief week or so until I can completely perfect the story.

If you have characters you'd like to have diagnosed by House M.D, PM me and we'll work something out.

I'm addicted to you!