Home is Where Your Curse is

by SFaccountant

Coltson

Home is Where Your Curse is

a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction

by SFaccountant

Chapter 9

Coltson

---

"At attention, soldiers! Form up!"

In the barracks yard behind Canterlot castle, over three hundred pony soldiers shuffled into strict, narrow lines of grimacing faces and gleaming armor. Pegasi, earth ponies, and unicorns formed into discrete groups, with the ranking officers standing at the front. Spears jutted toward the sky in a forest of steel pikes, while the clatter of hooves against stone rose to a deafening pitch.

Then, all at once, the ponies fell silent, standing in position.

In front of them, a trio of older ponies looked over the assembled soldiers, inspecting their army. An earth pony stood at the front, a warhammer hanging from his neck, while a muscular pegasus mare and a bearded unicorn stallion stood behind him. The unicorn was already scowling, and the magic of his horn suspended several large scrolls in the air next to him.

"For those of you who have had your heads up your arses since enlisting, I am General Granite!" Roared the earth pony. "Those behind me are General Wrath and General Firebrand! We have convened here to give you all a mass briefing on a sudden and rising threat to our fair nation!"

The unicorn, Firebrand, stepped forward. The scrolls floated ahead of him, trapped in the blue aura of his magic. "If any of you louts read the news or stay up-to-date on the recent bounties, then you're probably already familiar with these faces. Regardless, we wanted to make this official."

Three scrolls unwound, revealing sketches of three ponies: Blood Rite, Swan Song, and Ranma Saotome.

"All three of these ponies are wanted for numerous crimes against the throne, chief among them being conspiracy to rebellion!" Granite announced, stamping an iron-shod hoof against the ground. "As of yet, they don't seem to have any kind of greater movement behind them. We've received no reports of local support or advertisement of their cause. So we're not sure exactly how they think their little 'revolution' is going to work!" He paused for a snort of contempt. "However, these ponies are anyway extremely dangerous and must be stopped at ALL costs!"

Firebrand pushed Swan's poster forward. "The sorceress lackey, Swan Song." He pulled it back and raised Ranma's. "The destructive rogue known as Havoc." Then Rite's picture took center stage. "And finally, the ringleader of this crew of traitors, the genius sorcerer Blood Rite!"

Numerous scowls and growled murmurs came from the collected ranks.

The pegasus General, Wrath, stepped forward to speak. "Every one of these equines possesses considerable strength, although at the moment it's believed that they lack the overwhelming magical power of individuals such as Discord or Queen Chrysalis. It should be noted that Havoc's abilities in particular are a mystery, and heavily disputed. But our mission is clear." Then she cleared her throat. "This mission may seem somewhat... unorthodox, or downright ruthless. But I assure you, it is entirely necessary."

The armored mare raised a wing to point toward Rite's image. "This stallion must be destroyed, soldiers. Not stopped, not captured, but REMOVED from existence. If you come upon the opportunity, you are to finish him without mercy or hesitation!"

At this command, many of the soldiers exchanged doubtful looks or shuffled their hooves awkwardly. While none of them would refuse to take the life of a committed enemy of Equestria, the command to kill an enemy no matter what the circumstances was indeed unusual. None of them could recall receiving such an order before.

"Now that we have that out of the way, we will discuss their abilities and last known locations!" barked Granite. "We received a report from the Lunar Guard..."

---

Nearly an hour later, the trio of Generals were seated around a heavy oak table. A regional map sat upon it, with pins and markings noting important areas. Three short glasses were filled with amber liquor and parceled out by Firebrand's magic.

"This drink is a little younger than I'd like, but I don't think this is an occasion for celebration," the unicorn quipped.

"Hmph. Agreed. Save our best for the debriefings, after we have this insolent rodent's head in a sack," Granite grunted before taking up the glass in his hoof. "Rebellion. Pah! The very idea!"

Wrath took up her own glass with a wing, holding it up and peering at the lamplight through the amber fluid and ice. "Three ponies hardly makes it a rebellion. We use the word because it's convenient, but what are these but base criminals with delusions of grandeur?"

"Criminals that you've sentenced to death without trial," Firebrand growled, narrowing his eyes at his compatriots.

"Not ALL of them. Just the red mule," Granite snorted. "And so what? What do you think his trial would be like?" He shifted to a high-pitched, vaguely feminine voice. "Oh, no Mr. Magistrate, I didn't ACTUALLY mean to commit acts of violent upheaval against the Equestrian throne! I'm sure Princess Luna just misunderstood being ambushed in the middle of the night! Can't you take a joke?"

"Do not be so glib about this, Granite," Firebrand snapped, pausing to take a sip of his drink. "Princess Celestia won't be very happy with us, either, when she hears about the exact nature of our orders. You know very well she asked for Rite to be taken alive."

"He's too dangerous for that. We know it, and she knows it," Wrath protested, "her benevolence clouds her judgment. A fine attitude for managing the kingdom, certainly, but military affairs have never been her forte."

"So we disobey the royal authority for the sake of the kingdom. Sounds curiously rebellious to me," Firebrand grimaced and drained his glass.

"Don't compare me to that treasonous scoundrel!" Granite snapped.

"I wouldn't dare. He might very well show you up, and I'm depressed enough as it is," Firebrand retorted.

While the two stallions glared at each other, Wrath glanced up at the ceiling, sipping her own drink. "How well did you know him?" she asked, putting down her glass. "Out of all of us, you're the only one who ever met Blood Rite."

"He despised that name," Firebrand grumbled, levitating the liquor bottle up in front of him so he could stare at the label. "The 'Blood' part, I mean. It was always a hindrance to him."

"Oh, I don't think it's much of a hindrance now that he spends his days attacking Princesses and terrorizing villages," Granite grumbled, "I'd say it fits him quite well."

"That's the point, stone-skull," Firebrand sighed, dropping the bottle onto the table, "our names are reflections of who we are. A piece of our destiny inserted into every introduction we make. And his reminded every pony that met him that he could probably dissolve their hearts inside their chests. Not such a problem now, as you said, but when trying to impress the faculty of our Princess's School for Gifted Unicorns, it's quite a disadvantage."

"Still, he did it, right? And even became Princess Celestia's personal apprentice," Wrath said, shaking her head, "and now look at him. No wonder she's devastated."

"Oh, as if he's the only one of those to go off the rails." Firebrand grimaced and poured himself another drink. "You all remember Sunset Shimmer."

The two other Generals stared at him blankly. "Who?"

"Right. Memory spells. Never mind." The unicorn sighed. "My point is, our Princess has something of a history with her students falling from grace, as it were. I still expect Twilight Sparkle to snap one of these days and vaporize Ponyland, or whatever that wretched backwater was called. But Rite was different. He was more measured. A cool head, a fair temperament, and an impenetrable sense of humility. Even after..."

He trailed off, his expression darkening further.

"It wasn't your fault," Granite grumbled.

"It wasn't ANYPONY'S fault! That's the problem!" Firebrand snapped, quickly downing the next glass of liquor. "Yet Rite was thrown out on his rump! Exiled! Excised! His life obliterated because of..." he hissed, unable to complete the sentence. "And now, look at him. The target of Equestrian kill squads."

"Do you think we're wrong?" Wrath asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Now? No. Absolutely not. He has willingly made himself our enemy, and deserves whatever he gets for that decision," Firebrand said firmly, shaking his head. "But our current crisis is the entirely foreseeable consequence of past mistakes. And I fear we have learnt very little from those errors."

"I would have to disagree," Granite snorted, "despite what you say, Twilight Sparkle has done wonderfully, so the Princess must have gotten SOMETHING right this time around. AND, might I add, the new Princess doesn't have a name like a tyrant in waiting."

"Speaking of horrible names, what's with this third guy?" Wrath smirked and swatted a wing against Ranma's picture. "Havoc? Really? No wonder he ended up as some evil sorcerer's minion."

Granite frowned. "Yes, actually, I wondered about that too. What do we have on him, exactly? The other two have been clearly identified and the throne has confirmed their crimes. But the earth pony is just 'implicated'? How is that?"

"Not sure. But the Lunar Guard sure seems to want him taken down. Did you know he actually had bounty posters up before the other two?" Wrath asked. "Strange."

"Ugh. Lunar Guard? Really? Can we even take their word for it?"

"Maybe not, but so what? We didn't order the lackeys to be killed on sight. They'll get to defend themselves in court when they're captured."

Wrath nodded. "Yes. Unless, of course, our soldiers take it that their orders to slay Blood Rite extend to everypony who works with him."

The other two Generals paused.

"Well... hopefully they don't do that," Firebrand mumbled, levitating a new bottle of brandy onto the table. "Refill?"

"Yes, please."

---

"So this is Coltson. It's a main transit hub in the Southwestern region, boasting the most train links and trading roads. It doesn't get as many other races as Saddlebrook, which is frankly the only reason it isn't quite as busy a trade town. The local economy is doing well enough, though." Trixie levitated a pamphlet in front of her as her cart rattled forward along the cobblestone street. "Trixie would like to see the famous 'Steel Hooves' train yard before we move on. Trixie's never been here before."

"Yeah, I can tell. We aren't being chased by any angry ponies with pitchforks."

Trixie's eyes narrowed, and then she lowered the pamphlet. Ranma was towing her cart along, as usual, but on his back sat a small purple dragon. Spike was leaning forward on the stallion's back, arms crossed over his chest.

"Trixie will have you know that Trixie has never been driven out of a town other than Ponyville," the unicorn said sharply. That was a complete and utter lie, but she was fairly confident Spike didn't know that.

"Well, there was Hoofington," Ranma pointed out, "I don't think that counts, though. It was mostly that griffon chick's fault."

"And YOURS, for lighting the inn on fi-"

"For being accused of arson, which could have been anybody!" Ranma interrupted, his eyes darting back and forth. "Also, could you not shout out the stuff I've been charged with in public? I'm already walking around in my guy form! Anybody could recognize me!"

Trixie groaned, and went back to her pamphlet. Spike turned his head to glare at her.

"I can't believe you're being so... so... BLAH about this!" he snapped, failing to think of a better word. "Twilight's been captured, those evil unicorns have a world-ending magic jewel, and Princess Luna flipped out and disappeared, and you just want to trot around and play tourist?"

"If Trixie recalls correctly, the current circumstances vis-a-vis the rebellion against the throne are largely YOUR fault, lizard," Trixie sneered. "Good job totally protecting the all-important MacGuffin and your master from the bad guys. You sure showed them, mighty serpent king."

Spike bristled furiously. "Okay, FIRST of all-"

"Hey, can we tone down the hostility?" Ranma hissed. "Fighting isn't going to solve anything!"

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you," scoffed Trixie, "where was this enlightened pacifism when an Equestrian Princess wanted to duel you for your magic trinket?"

Ranma groaned and hung his head. "Okay. Yes. Mistakes were made. I'm sorry. But we need to figure out how to fix it, not waste time arguing about who's most at fault!"

"Considering our options, Trixie believes that arguing about blame would be just as productive as anything else we could be doing." The magician spotted a covered yard that seemed to be set aside for parking travel wagons. "Ah, perfect. Over there."

Ranma started to turn the wagon, but then Trixie hopped out and moved ahead of him. "Actually, give Trixie a minute first to check this is safe. Trixie will signal you when ready."

Spike watched the blue pony trot out of earshot, and then he sat up on Ranma's back. "Seriously dude, what are you doing with that washed-up wannabe?"

"Mostly hauling this," Ranma tapped the cargo wagon with a back hoof, "and occasionally kicking people. Why?"

"Why do you put up with her? She treats you like a slave!" Spike insisted.

"And she feeds me like a slave owner," Ranma pointed out, "so until I find a better offer, I either work for Trixie or I'll have to start swiping stuff to survive. I don't want that. Stealing is WAY harder without hands."

"C'mon man, you're worth way more than this!" protested the young dragon. "You clobbered a dragonspawn and stood up to a Princess! How are you taking orders from a powerless nopony like Trixie?"

Ranma frowned. "Don't call her that. Trix isn't perfect, but she's actually helped me out a lot since I got here. What did she do to you that you hate her so much?"

"She loosed a giant monster bear on our town," Spike mumbled bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest again, "and then later, she showed up again to humiliate and exile Twilight. And then she enslaved Ponyville until Twilight could come back and rescue us."

"...... Okay, yeah. I'd say you have a pretty good case." Then Ranma frowned. "Wait, if she's a powerless nobody... uh, nopony? How did she defeat Sparks and take over a town?"

"Well... okay, so she might have been under the influence of an evil magic amulet at the time," Spike confessed reluctantly, "and TECHNICALLY, I think it was these two other jerks that brought the bear monster to the town, so that Trixie could fight it or something. But that stuff still happened because of her!"

"All right, all right. I get it, Spike. She isn't your favorite magic horse. And I know you're pretty upset in general with Sparks getting captured and all," Ranma said, trying to calm the dragon down, "but still: Trix is the only one of us with food, money, or any idea where we are. So could you TRY not to make her mad?"

Spike growled incoherently as Trixie walked back to the cart.

"All right, we should be clear," the unicorn said, her eyes darting left and right, "just make sure to act oblivious and clueless." She paused. "Well, more than usual, that is."

"See? Why do you put up with this?" Spike demanded, tugging on Ranma's ear and pointing at Trixie.

"Leave it alone, Spike," Ranma warned.

"Put up with what?" Trixie asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Nothing, Trix!" Ranma quickly accelerated, pulling the cart ahead toward the lot.

There was a young earth pony mare sitting at a desk next to the lot, and as Ranma approached she reached for a latch that would open the front gate. Then she froze, staring hard at the stallion towing the wagon.

"Wait a minute," the mare said suspiciously, her eyes narrowing. Ranma blinked innocently while mentally deciding on which route to take if and when a hasty retreat became necessary.

The pony at the desk looked back at the wall of her kiosk, where there were several notices and posters pinned into a slab of cork board. Ranma almost groaned when he saw his bounty poster among them, although he immediately noticed that there was one unfamiliar feature on the picture.

The mare stared at the poster, and then looked at Ranma. Then she stared back at the poster.

"You look an awful lot like this pony 'Havoc'," the mare mumbled, "aside from that ridiculous perm and having no mustache, that is."

Ranma couldn't help but wince at the mention of his hair, which had sadly not recovered from the spell Luna had accidentally cast on it. Aside from that, the poster image of him now sported a thick, wide mustache that looked suspiciously like it was drawn on in black marker.

Eventually, the pony at the desk shrugged. "Well, I could see somepony changing their hairstyle for a disguise, but I can't account for the mustache." She smiled and unlatched the gate into the yard. "Sorry about that, Sir. I know it must be tough for you to look like a wanted criminal. You probably get that all the time."

"Not really, no. Being a wanted criminal is pretty new to me," Ranma drawled while he walked into the lot.

"Being MISTAKEN for a wanted criminal, you mean," Trixie corrected swiftly, levitating a bit over to the mare at the kiosk. "Sorry. You know how stallions are."

"Oh, I know," she winked at Trixie, "but seriously, there's a barber three blocks down on the left. Get that guy a manecut, STAT."

"That's good to know." Trixie paused, raising an eyebrow. "Say... as long as you know the area..."

Several minutes later, Trixie was leading Ranma and Spike down the street again, only without the cart.

"This is so much easier when they have a proper yard to keep wagons safe," Trixie sighed pleasantly, "Trixie can STILL hear the rattle of wagon wheels in her skull."

"Yeah, I can imagine your skull is pretty-" Spike's unnecessary commentary was cut short as Ranma bent his head back, muffling the dragon's face with his unnaturally poofy hair.

"ANYWAY, what was up with that poster? Is there dumb kid running around and vandalizing bounty notices?" Ranma asked.

Trixie smirked, and then telekinetically slipped a marker from out of her hat. "For your information, Trixie is that 'dumb kid'!"

"Spike, don't," Ranma ordered as the dragon opened his mouth. Spike clicked his tongue and then fell silent.

"While Trixie was inquiring about the rules and rates regarding wagon storage, Trixie stealthily altered the poster right under her nose!" Trixie was obviously extremely proud of this fact, and she wiggled her eyebrows at the stallion while grinning.

"Well, that... sounds like a pretty lame idea, but here we are, huh?" Ranma mumbled.

"Trixie wouldn't waste any sophisticated schemes on THESE hicks," the magician scoffed. "Of course, it would be easier to use a spell to simply change you rather than the posters, but your ridiculous allergy means that anything could happen if Trixie tried."

Ranma thought about that. "Anything? As in, it might randomly give me a magic disguise, or turn me invisible, or change my fur color?"

"Sure. Or, it might blow you up again." Trixie rolled her eyes. "And although being disfigured by explosions would ALSO render you unrecognizable, Trixie prefers her idea."

"Why don't you let him wear your hat and cape?" Spike asked. "Give him that, and nopony can see his cutie mark or tell he's not a unicorn."

"Why don't you shut your dumb face?" Trixie retorted. "Give Trixie that, and Trixie might not shove you in a box and leave you by the side of the road."

The unicorn and dragon locked glares for several seconds, and Ranma grimaced as violent sparks seemed to lash between them. "Trix, where are we going, anyway? Are we scouting out places for your show? Looking for evidence of where Rite lives? What?"

Trixie broke off her staring match with Spike and started down the road again. "Trixie has a few errands to run first, actually. And it looks like we're in the right spot to take care of the first one!"

Ranma stopped and looked to his left. A small building surrounded by a wrought-iron fence stood there. Mounted on the fence was a sign that said "Coltson City Orphanage". He looked to his right. There was a big store that seemed to specialize in kayaks.

"You're... buying a kayak?" Ranma asked.

"Guess again." Trixie smirked before her horn started to glow. Spike was suddenly hauled up into the air by his tail, and he cried out in surprise.

"Hey! What're you doing, you crazy-" the young dragon was carried upward and then dropped head-first in a brass box attached to the fence.

"For the sake of full disclosure, Trixie was not at all serious about maybe not shoving you in a box earlier." She sighed happily and then started cantering down the street. "Come on, Ranma!"

Ranma sighed, shaking his head. Then he stuck his head into the box, gently bit onto Spike's tail, and yanked the dragon up and out of the metal cell. Spike flipped end-over-end in the air and landed on his back, and then the young dragon immediately gasped and clutched Ranma's mane in surprise.

"The orphanage seriously has a 'baby drop-off box'?" Ranma asked once he started following Trixie again. "I can't tell if it's more horrible that they think they need it, or that they actually installed it."

"Trixie used to feel the same way," the magician agreed, still facing forward, "but now Trixie sees where it can be an advantage!"

She briefly glanced back to flash a devious smirk at her companion, only to stop in surprise when she saw Spike on his back again. And glaring furiously at her again, unsurprisingly.

The unicorn whirled around, and she turned her own hardened gaze on full force... aimed at Ranma, this time. "No. Put that back, Ranma. We're not taking it with us."

Ranma didn't cringe away, which was the first indication she had that this was officially going to be A Problem. "Spike is not an 'it', and he IS coming with us. At least until we can return him to Sparks. We're not going to abandon him on the side of the road."

"Trixie wasn't just abandoning him 'on the side of the road'! That was the point of going to the orphanage!" She complained.

"That doesn't make it better! Besides, that was a pony orphanage anyway. Are they even going to take a dragon?"

"Probably not, but Trixie presumes they have an established and well-practiced method for re-abandoning unwanted vagrants!"

"What the hay is wrong with you?!" Spike shouted, a green plume of fire curling from his lips.

"You stay out of this!" Trixie growled, tilting her head up.

"What?! You're talking about me!" Spike snapped back.

Ranma clenched his teeth in frustration. "Trix, c'mon! We can't just leave the little guy! It's not right!"

"Trixie doesn't care! He's rude and annoying and useless!"

"I could say the same about you! But at least I don't strut around Equestria preaching about how great I am!" Spike snarled.

"Spike, could you stop? Please? This isn't helping!" Ranma tried in vain.

Trixie stamped the ground angrily, and her eyes dropped down to meet Ranma's again. "That is IT. Trixie is not putting up with this. Decision time. Either you leave the lizard, or you leave Trixie!"

Ranma recoiled. "Wait, hold on, I-"

"Fine! We don't need you!" Spike shouted, tugging on Ranma's ear. "C'mon, Saotome! We'll rescue Twilight on our own!"

Now Ranma was sweating. "I, uh, I'm not actually sure-"

"Oh, that's RICH. How are you planning to do that, hmm? Feel free to impress Trixie with your wit and ingenuity," the magician mocked, arching an eyebrow.

"I don't know, we'll think of something!" Spike insisted. "I can send messages to Princess Celestia, and Saotome can fight anything! We can... uh... call for reinforcements! Let them know where Rite was last and bring them here to help search!"

"Yeah, Trixie is sure that will go over GREAT with all the soldiers that want to imprison Ranma for attacking a Princess," Trixie snorted.

"But she said she'd explain that never happened!" Ranma said nervously.

"Except that now it HAS happened," the unicorn drawled.

"That doesn't count! It was a duel!"

"Trixie will stop by the local prison later to see how that defense worked out for you." She turned around and started walking away once more. "Trixie will probably never see you again, so good luck with your incredibly foolish non-plan. Goodbye."

Ranma felt a deep pain in his chest as the blue pony trotted off down the street, her nose in the air. He had experienced abandonment before, particularly in the very specific category of "petulant, self-absorbed female getting fed up with him," but this had a unique and entirely awful new feel to it. For one thing, it wasn't his big mouth that had gotten him into trouble this time, but his good intentions.

He felt like he owed a debt to Spike. Not just because the little guy was alone and helpless, but because Ranma had accidentally endangered him and inadvertently helped Rite capture Spike's guardian. But that debt probably paled in comparison to what he owed Trixie for helping him since he had washed up next to her outside Hoofington. Besides that, he really did prefer traveling with Trixie to striking out on his own. Ranma wanted to help Spike out of a sense of nobility and responsibility. Ranma wanted to follow Trixie out of a sense of loyalty and - just maybe - genuine friendship.

Spike nodded sharply, leaning back on Ranma's withers. "And good riddance. She didn't even care about saving Twilight. I'll bet we can find her easily now that Miss Great and Powerful isn't wasting our time worrying about sightseeing while we're in the middle of a national crisis."

Ranma furrowed his brow. He had never been good at making social decisions. Decisions in the midst of combat were quick, simple, and usually a matter of life and death. Social decisions were the opposite: complex, fuzzy in their consequences, and with plenty of time for second-guessing and waffling. As a result, he tended to avoid them whenever possible. It was the main reason that he had collected a small harem of fiancées by age sixteen despite having never proposed to anyone. Or even gone on a date without some form of bribe or ulterior motive involved, for that matter.

"C'mon Saotome. I'll think of something to write to Celestia so that you won't get captured when the soldiers arrive. Uh... it'll probably be hard to explain, though. We're not actually supposed to be out here like this. Dang, I really wish Luna had left me a contact address or something! Where the hay is she?"

Ranma couldn't decide between Spike and Trixie. That was the simple truth of the matter. But he'd be damned if he let someone make that decision FOR him.

"Spike? I need you to do me a favor," Ranma said suddenly, his voice deadly serious.

"Yeah? Okay, sure. What is it?" Spike asked, sounding slightly worried.

"I need you to remain ABSOLUTELY QUIET for five minutes. Just five minutes, no talking. NO MATTER WHAT."

Spike's eyes widened. "Uh... o-okay."

"Promise me, Spike."

"Yes! Sure! I promise! Starting now!" Spike said firmly, pressing his lips shut and drawing a finger across them.

Ranma moved.

Trixie was internally seething as she walked down the street, keeping up an impeccable impression of lofty apathy while her mind churned.

She was hurt. She could acknowledge that to herself. Not because she wouldn't have Ranma following her around – his presence was honestly an enormous hassle and could quite plausibly lead to her death – but she was hurt that he would really leave her side to help Twilight's stupid pet.

How could that idiot lizard possibly have more sway over the stallion than me? Is it because he was Twilight Sparkle's servant? Is this about her?

Trixie had to admit that it would be rather less galling to be abandoned for an Equestrian Princess and the penultimate heroine of the kingdom, but she wasn't convinced that was the case. Ranma had very specifically refused to abandon Spike, for Spike's own sake. And he clearly didn't give a flying feather about Princesses. He definitely wanted to rescue Twilight Sparkle if he could, but did he seriously think that Spike offered him that chance?

Probably not. Which suggested he was simply unwilling to abandon Spike despite her wanting him to. INEXCUSABLE. Perfectly ethical, perhaps, which honestly surprised Trixie a little bit, but still. Ranma had chosen his ridiculous morals over her, and that was not something Trixie forgave easily.

Her slowly boiling thoughts were brought to a screeching halt when a gray blur appeared in front of her, and she almost reared up in surprise. The next thing she knew, Ranma was standing in her path with a very surprised-looking dragon child still on top of him.

Ranma quickly twisted his head around to glance at Spike. "Remember, you PROMISED."

Then he snapped his head back toward Trixie and collapsed into a bow, clapping his front hooves together. "Trix, I'm sorry! PLEASE don't leave us!"

Trixie took a step back, surprised. Spike's jaw fell slack, but he dutifully said nothing as Ranma bobbed his head up and down.

"Please take us with you! I'll keep Spike under control, I swear! Don't leave us like this! You're not annoying and useless! A little rude, maybe, but I'm not one to talk! You're awesome! We need you!"

Trixie blinked, and then she looked intrigued. "This... thing you're doing, here. Where you look like you're praying to Trixie. What is this, exactly?"

Ranma slowly looked up at her. "Uh... it's called 'kowtowing' where I'm from. It's something we do to make apologizing and begging more humiliating. Do you guys not do this?"

"No. But Trixie rather likes it. You may proceed," the magician said with a small smile.

Spike slapped a claw against his face. But still didn't say anything.

"I know there's no way we'll rescue Sparkle without your help! Let's be honest, here; I don't know my way around this stupid world, and Spike can't possibly replace you! His plan is terrible! We need your magical brains and fantasy-land street smarts!"

Trixie slouched to one side, smiling and looking over a single hoof. "Yes, Trixie supposes you do. You two are too stupid to get very far without Trixie."

Spike mimed screaming to the sky in frustration.

"Please don't abandon us! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-"

"Okay, okay, stop," Trixie huffed, "your desperate begging and empty praise is starting to become slightly annoying. Almost." She stopped and cleared her throat. "As usual, Trixie finds herself being far, far too good to you, Ranma. Having to put up with that useless lizard is above and beyond Trixie's responsibilities. Even if he WASN'T incredibly hostile to Trixie."

She glanced up at the young dragon, but Spike simply stared off to the side angrily, arms crossed over his chest.

"But... since you actually did get Scaly to keep his needless and grossly inaccurate insults to himself for a few minutes... very well. Trixie relents."

"YES!" Ranma jumped up to his hooves, bouncing Spike out of his grouching position. "You're the best, Trix!"

"Trixie is quite aware," the unicorn said smugly. She started trotting ahead of him again, nose in the air, except this time she was smiling earnestly rather than suppressing an enraged snarl. "Come along, Ranma. And bring the dead weight."

Spike started kicking his feet against Ranma's head and pounding his fists angrily into the stallion's back. But he was pretty weak, and he did it silently, so Ranma ignored it.

"And here we are, at our second errand location," Trixie announced, beckoning across the street. The building was fairly small, and there was a spinning pole with slanted red-and-white stripes out in the front.

"A barber?" Ranma asked. He hoped he was guessing right this time. The next closest property appeared to be a cemetery.

"That's right. Since the spells that do your hair inexplicably seem to cause more permanent damage than the ones that blow you up, it's time to turn this over to a professional." Trixie stepped into the building, a small bell ringing to announce her.

"Well, not exactly top priority for me, but why not?" Ranma mumbled, following after her.

"Your five minutes are up, by the way," Spike said sourly, jabbing the stallion in the back of the head with his claw.

"And you did great, little guy. Way to be a sport," Ranma chuckled and pushed open the door for himself.

Once inside, he saw Trixie talking to a unicorn stallion bearing a comb on his flank.

"Ah, and this must be him," the barber said, his expression souring instantly. "Oh, MY. It's even worse than I thought."

Ranma rolled his eyes, but endured the criticism without complaint. He did start to get anxious when the barber's eyes narrowed suspiciously, however.

"Hold on a second. Haven't I seen you before?" the other stallion asked.

"No way. First day in town," Ranma insisted, "and first week on planet!"

"Wait, now I know!" The barber turned around toward a wall where there were several pictures pinned up. Most of them were equine models showcasing a wide variety of hairstyles, but Ranma was quite surprised to see a picture of himself up as well. Complete with a list of his crimes and the reward for his capture.

"Manestyle aside, you look just like this here fellow, 'Havoc'!" The barber exclaimed. Then he furrowed his brow. "Well, 'cept the mustache."

Trixie smirked. Floating in an aura of pink magic behind her, a plastic cap clicked into place over a black marker.

"Well, never mind, then. False alarm." The other stallion turned back to Ranma. "Still, the resemblance is uncanny. Even your cutie marks are the same!"

"I know. Crazy," Ranma drawled, "but not quite as crazy as putting up bounty posters in a barber shop."

"What? It's a good picture!" the barber protested. "I've already done four of those curly little braids since I put it up yesterday! Mostly on mares, but, you know. Whatever."

Spike hopped off Ranma's back and took a seat by the window, snatching up a magazine at random on the way. Ranma climbed up on the leather recliner chair while the barber started washing off a pair of scissors.

Trixie dropped a dozen bits on the counter, and then headed out the door again. "Trixie is going to explore the town a little bit. You stay here and don't cause any trouble until Trixie comes back, all right?"

"Yes, Mom," Ranma replied, settling back into the barber's seat.

"Oh, so YOU get to be sarcastic and snippy with her, but I can't?" Spike said after the magician exited the shop.

"It's different when I do it," Ranma said, "I'm just kidding around. When you say mean things you mean it as a serious criticism of her." He shifted in his seat uncomfortably as the barber pony pulled a cloth around his neck. "Also, why do you have chairs like this? This thing wasn't designed for a pony. It has arm rests. Ponies don't have even have arms."

"Always wondered that myself," Spike mumbled, thumbing through the magazine. Then he jabbed a finger at Ranma. "Anyway, I say mean things to Trixie because she deserves it. If anypony needs a little criticism, it's her."

"It doesn't WORK, though. Especially coming from someone she doesn't trust, respect, or even want around,” Ranma protested. “Also, the 'useless' thing is just totally wrong. Trixie isn't useless. She's actually really smart."

"Could've fooled me," Spike grumbled, skimming the magazine again.

"She fools a lot of people. That's her thing," Ranma went on to explain. The barber started squirting his head with a spray bottle, soaking his mane. "But the point is: stop antagonizing her. I want to help you and Sparkle, but I'm not going to ditch Trixie to do it."

Ranma felt a quiver run through his body as the cool water on his head finally reached the threshold that shifted his form. The barber whinnied in surprise at seeing the black hair suddenly turn red, and he recoiled and started stuttering.

"S-Sir! Y-Your mane-"

"It's fine. Keep going," Ranma ordered, her voice now obviously feminine. Then she shifted again, grunting irritably. "Damn it! This seat is ten times worse with wings! Why the hell do you design chairs like this?"

"Wait, you're a p-p-pega-"

"Yeah, that happens," Spike interrupted, tossing aside the first magazine and picking up another. "Okay, so what about you, then? She says mean things to you and she just gets a pass?"

"Again, it's different between us. I know she doesn't mean it." Ranma paused. "Well... okay, actually, maybe she does, but who cares? She feeds me." She tapped a hoof against the arm rest of her chair. "Hey, barber, you want to actually start cutting something? I don't have all day, for all I know."

The unicorn gulped, and slowly levitated his scissors near the redheaded pony. "W-Well... I just... um... are y-you a changeling?"

"What's a changeling?" Ranma asked.

"Shapeshifting bug pony thing," Spike replied, his eyes scanning the next magazine as he flipped through it.

"That sounds WAY more convenient than what I am." Ranma twisted her head to look at the stallion behind her. "If I was a shapeshifter, why would I be getting a haircut?"

The barber let out a deep breath, and then nervously approached his client. His scissors slipped into the morass of bright red mane piled up atop Ranma's head and cut off a lock.

The hair slipped away onto the floor.

Then the hairs that had just been cut suddenly lengthened, growing back right before the barber's eyes.

"...... Huh."

---

Swan Song hummed to herself and skipped through the halls of Rite's tower, headed to the main laboratory. Her fur was still damp, and a steaming towel hung around her neck from her recent bath.

"This is so exciting! We won! We actually won!" Swan giggled to herself. "Luna, Calamity, and even the Nerd Princess herself, Twilight Sparkle, all tried to stop us, and we WON! Ha ha!"

The mare stopped to do a little spin, finishing by knocking her back hooves together.

"This is it! We're going to change the world! Celestia and her little pantheon of alicorn freaks are going DOWN!"

Swan reached the door to the lab and pushed her way in without knocking. "Mister Rite! I'm ready! What do we do now?"

She spotted the stallion immediately, sitting at a small desk off to the side. He seemed surprised to see her, and he jumped slightly when she approached.

"Pardon, Swan Song? What did you mean?" The MacGuffin Stone and a thin book were both sitting on the desk in front of him, and he levitated several papers over the book to obscure it before Swan could see.

"What do you mean what do I mean? Your plan!" Swan said eagerly, bouncing up on her hooves. "We have the MacGuffin Stone, and we captured a Princess inside it! Now we're going to fix the sun, right?"

Rite hesitated, furrowing his brow. "... Yes. Yes, we will." He looked back down at the artifact. "But it won't be quick or easy. We still have many struggles ahead of us."

"Well, hopefully those struggles won't include swiping a valuable magic item from Calamity again! I don't want to be on the receiving end of those hooves anymore!" Then Swan giggled into a hoof. "Although one pony we definitely WON'T have to worry about is Princess Twilight 'Yes Celestia, Whatever You Say' Sparkle! That was so awesome the way you took her out, Mister Rite!"

Rite flinched, staring down at the MacGuffin Stone.

"It's almost poetic! Princess Celestia's most loyal henchpony and personal troubleshooter, powering the item that will eventually CRUSH the royal order! Ooooooh! It gives me chills!" Swan Song danced in a little circle. Rite cringed, still staring at the MacGuffin Stone. "It's a good thing we got her early, too! Sparkle has a habit of foiling evil schemes during the critical implementation phase."

"But it's NOT an evil scheme!" Rite protested. "I'm trying to make Equestria better!"

"Yeah, but she probably didn't see it that way." Swan smirked and started rubbing her front hooves together. "It's too bad the evidence suggests she won't be able to perceive anything or maintain any kind of consciousness within the Stone. The only thing that could make this better would be letting her watch as we bring down her precious little establishment!"

Rite flinched again, a small quiver running down his spine.

"But anyway, what do we do now? I'm ready for orders, Mister Rite!"

The stallion turned an uneasy stare on his intern. Then he sighed. "As I said, there is much to do. I have preparations to make, and I'm afraid you won't be able to assist."

Swan nodded. "Okay. So... you want me to just stand guard? Or make a supply run? We're getting low on those roasted peanuts you like."

"No, we don't need..." Rite trailed off. "Well, okay, yes. If we're running out. But after that, you may take the rest of the day off."

"Take the day off? Really?" Swan asked, arching an eyebrow. "You're sure there's nothing I can do to help?"

"Quite sure. In fact, you can take tomorrow off, too." Rite placed a hoof atop the jewel on his desk. "I'm going to work in the basement for now to prepare the spells."

"The tower has a basement?" the mare looked perplexed. "I never knew that. How come I've never seen it?"

"Because there's no mundane entrance," Rite explained, scooping up the MacGuffin Stone, "it can only be reached via teleportation. And even then, only by somepony who knows the exact coordinates and layout."

"How come you never took me in there? Or even told me about it?" Swan asked suspiciously. "You don't trust me?"

"It also serves as the front door to a magical prison holding an ancient, apocalyptic monstrosity," the stallion continued.

"...... Yeah, okay. Good call keeping me out," Swan mumbled, "and you'll be in there all day? And tomorrow?"

"I will. Farewell." Rite's horn started to glow with a ghostly white light, surrounding the stallion and the MacGuffin Stone. A few seconds later, both vanished in a pulse of brilliant magic.

Swan Song started making a shopping list in her head. "Let's see, then... we need peanuts, obviously. I could use some cabbage for soup... maybe just pick up whatever's on discount. We should save money for a victory party after we take over Equestria. I mean, in theory we'll be able to sack the Canterlot treasury, but it would be good to have a back-up fund just in case."

She started to turn away, but then looked back at Rite's desk. He had taken the MacGuffin Stone with him to the basement, but had left the book behind. Swan presumed it was a research journal; wouldn't he need that as he prepared the spell?

Swan brushed off the papers obscuring the book, and then she blinked. It was not a research journal. It was a yearbook from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. She recognized it immediately, although she had destroyed her own soon after dropping out of the institution.

Opening it up, Swan found a page within bookmarked. There was a photo of Rite at the top, a lightning bolt surging from his horn. Princess Celestia stood behind him, looking on with a proud smile. Below that main picture were several more, each one featuring Rite studying or playing with other unicorns. The names of the others were written in the margins. Kibitz. Private Star Blitz. Sergeant Firebrand. Prince Sterling.

"Hmmmm..." Swan Song frowned at the yearbook, and then shrugged. "He must be making a list of ponies to imprison and torture after we rise to power. Sometimes I wonder if Mister Rite plans TOO far ahead."

She turned away and headed out the door. "Oh well! Shopping!"

---

Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip.

Ranma tried to avoid shifting in her seat as the barber attacked her hair relentlessly. She still felt enormously uncomfortable with her wings squished against the seat, but she figured she'd be even more uncomfortable if the magically-controlled scissors above her head ended up missing.

"Hey, Saotome, let me ask you something," Spike said, tossing aside yet another magazine.

"You can call me Ranma, you know," Ranma replied, tapping one hoof against the arm rest impatiently.

"You don't want me calling you by your first name?"

"Ranma IS my first name."

"But when you introduced yourself, you said you were 'Saotome Ranma'."

"Yeah, so... oh, right! I forgot! Some countries give the given name first. Shoot. I've been introducing myself wrong." Ranma groaned. "As if it wasn't bad enough that Trix keeps giving people fake names! I've been screwing it up too!"

"Anyway, Ranma..." Spike took a moment to remember his question. "Are you and Trixie... you know... special someponies?"

"Special WHAT?"

"Special someponies. You know, like... are you dating?"

"First off, no. Second of all, again, special WHAT? Third of all, why?"

"Well, I just can't figure out why you would actually want to be around Trixie unless... you know... you were in love with her or something."

"Spike, lemme tell you something: I've spent way too much of my life hanging around chicks who either love me or hate me. Being around girls... or... mares, or whatever... like Sparks and Trix, who just want to help me without wanting to date or make out or anything, is a huge relief." She shuddered in her chair. "I wouldn't say that I'm glad to have left Earth, whatever happened to it, but one thing I absolutely don't miss from my past is the romance."

"Well... okay. If you say so," Spike mumbled suspiciously.

"Besides, there's no way I'd be shacking up with her or any other horse. I'm not a pony, so I'm not attracted to ponies, you know?" Ranma added.

Spike frowned. "... Why would that matter?"

"So, wait, then you ARE a changeling?" interrupted the barber.

Ranma sighed. "No. I'm a human."

"What's a human?"

"Alien ape monkey thing," Spike replied with a shrug.

"And proud of it!" the redheaded equine nodded sharply.

"Well, does that explain what's going on with your mane? Because I'm about ready to give up, here."

Ranma turned her head toward the nearest mirror, and was quite surprised to see that her head sported the exact same horrible perm that Luna had accidentally given her earlier.

Looking down, she was equally surprised, and rather worried, to see a large, circular pile of red hair on the floor around her. It all probably amounted to some half her total body weight, and she hadn't even noticed until now.

"Aw, crud. What NOW?" Ranma asked.

"So, this isn't something that normally happens?" the unicorn barber asked.

"No! Well... not for a while! And not while I'm a girl! Wait, would the dragon whisker work differently for horses? Why? That doesn't make sense! Damn it, I hate magic!"

The barber seemed rather uncomfortable by Ranma's insensible rambling, so Spike decided to provide an explanation. "Trixie might not have explained this, but his hair is due to a spell misfiring."

"OH. Okay, that explains a lot, actually," the barber admitted. "I thought it was just a bad 'do. Which surprised me, because creating something that bad WITHOUT torturing the fabric of reality would actually take quite a bit of effort." Then he smiled. "I can probably fix this. Hold still!"

Ranma's eyes bulged as she felt a familiar tingle, and Spike quickly shielded his head with a magazine when the martial artist's mane started to glow.

"NO!! STOP!!" Ranma bolted from the chair, trying desperately to reach the door before the spell resolved.

---

Trixie flinched as a detonation boomed behind her, and then her ears drooped. "Oh, for the love of Celestia..."

"What was that?!"

"An explosion!"

"Are we under attack? Somepony call the guards!"

Trixie groaned, glancing behind her. A large puff of dark smoke was rising into the air, and she could hear shouts and screams coming from down the street. She herself had been browsing a newspaper stand, and one such paper was floating open in front of her in the grip of her magic aura.

She folded it up and then flipped a bit to the mare standing slack-jawed behind the counter. "Trixie will take one. Thanks." She turned away and headed toward the explosion.

---

"... Hate magic... Hate magic SO much..." Ranma laid on the ground at the end of a blackened trench, her eyes squeezed shut and her body aching.

"Ranma! Ranma! Are you okay?!"

The cursed pegasus cracked an eye open. Spike was standing over her, looking a little battered himself.

"Eh, I'll be fine. How's the barber?"

"Oh, he's all right. Well, I mean, he's scared out of his mind, and you took out half of his place of business, but you made it far enough toward the door not to hurt him directly."

"So he's not knocked out?"

Spike looked up. "No. Just kind of huddled under a counter and shaking."

"Okay, good." Ranma rolled over onto her belly and stood up.

"Good? Why is that good?"

"Well, if he's scared, he'll just want me to leave. That's easy. Sometimes they get mad, and want me to pay for the damage. I can't really do that, so in those cases I leave anyway. But faster."

Spike stared up at Ranma while the cursed pony shook out her scorched wings. "... Does this sort of thing happen a lot?"

"Trixie was gone for FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

Ranma looked behind her, where Trixie was standing at the edge of the street and scowling. Then she looked back at Spike. "It happens more often than anyone would like. Let's leave it at that."

Trixie looked around briefly, noticing that ponies were gathering to stare at the sudden catastrophe. "At least you changed bodies before making a destructive spectacle," she hissed quietly. "And at least you actually got your mane fixed first."

"What? Really?" Ranma blinked.

"Oh hey! Yeah! Your braid is back!" Spike confirmed. "So the spell worked? Or... maybe it undid the last spell?"

"That, or the explosion styled it for me before I hit the ground. Either way, I'm glad. It would be pretty awkward to try to ask for a refund right now." Ranma suddenly stretched one of her wings toward Spike and flipped him back up onto her back. The motion was so swift that he didn't even manage to yelp in surprise until after he was already seated.

"Let's get out of here," Trixie grumbled before slinking away, "and then let's find some hot water. Trixie would rather continue defacing wanted posters than try to explain how you ended up destroying a barber shop."

"HALF-destroying a barber shop," Ranma corrected. Then she paused and looked back. "Well, assuming they manage to put out that fire."

"Stop gawking and MOVE!" Trixie snapped, darting into an alley.

---

Trixie poked her head out of the alley, glancing left and right. "All right, the coast is clear. Come on out."

Ranma stepped into the street, steam rising from his restored mane. Spike still rode on top, and the young dragon tossed an empty paper cup into a trash bin nearby.

"Thanks, Trix. Where to now?" Ranma asked, patting down his hair.

"Trixie supposes we should stop and eat something before planning our next move," the magician mused as she headed down the road again, "also, Trixie needs to decide whether you should continue to travel as a mare or a stallion. On the one hoof, Calamity has caused a lot of highly visible damage today. On the other, Havoc has more long-term legal notoriety."

"Well, dumb cover names aside, I kind of like being a guy by default," Ranma admitted, "but I think that the marker mustache gig could get old pretty fast."

"Trixie agrees. It doesn't help that this town has a curiously wide distribution of bounty posters." Then Trixie magically unfolded the newspaper she was carrying and floated it behind her. "It also doesn't help that you made the front-page news today."

Ranma frowned. "Is it about all my battles against the pair of evil wizard horses trying to conquer the country, and how I apparently saved that Princess Loony, or whatever her name was?"

Trixie laughed, her voice like a glass bell. "Oh, my, no. It's about how you and the sorcerers are allies, working together to destroy the Canterlot royal family. You know, that one that you only learned existed this morning."

Ranma's expression fell, and Spike reached out and snatched up the paper. "Let me see that!" He pulled it up and narrowed his eyes as he scanned the page.

"You know, I never really had an opinion on the media before now, but they're kind of jerks," Ranma groused, hanging his head, "I never had to deal with this back on Earth."

"Because you didn't blow things up or get into pointless fights back on Earth?" Trixie asked.

"No, I did that all the time," the martial artist explained, "but nobody made such a big deal out of it as long as I had a good reason. Or ran away fast enough."

"The more Trixie learns about human civilization, the more Trixie sympathizes with the fellow who sought to end it," she drawled. "ANYWAY, as much as Trixie hates to burden herself further for your sake, you should probably wear Trixie's hat and cape so that you're not immediately recognizable to everypony that gets a newspaper."

Spike looked up from the story he was reading. "Wasn't that MY idea?" A moment later Trixie's hat dropped over his head, completely covering most of his body.

"Trixie is pretty sure she'd remember that," the magician said before levitating her cape around Ranma's neck. "Now get dressed and hurry along."

Ranma quickly dropped his rear to the ground so that Spike could slide off, and then went about the admittedly awkward process of dressing himself without hands. "You know what else I miss about Earth? PANTS. Seriously, I had no idea how much I'd taken them for granted before. Clothes are just the best."

As Ranma struggled to work the cape's clasp (now lacking a gem facing), Spike tossed Trixie's hat onto the stallion's head so that he could get back to reading the paper.

"I don't get it. Where did they get this information?" Spike asked. "This stuff is crazy! They say you assaulted a Mayor and attacked a bunch of guards with your magic ice breath!"

"Yes. Crazy," Trixie repeated, arching an eyebrow in Ranma's direction. Upon seeing him struggling desperately with her clasp between the tips of his hooves, she sighed and lit up her horn. "For Celestia's sake, it's like Trixie is looking after a foal," she muttered, setting the clasp with her telekinesis, "fixing up your hair, feeding you, dressing you, protecting you from the authorities... it's really unbelievable you ever considered proceeding without Trixie. You wouldn't last an hour!"

"Thanks, Trix," the pigtailed stallion said, flashing her a sheepish grin, "you're the best."

"Hmph! Just make sure you don't get these blown up." The unicorn turned away and began walking again. "You know, at some point Trixie will tire of all your hollow praise in response to her constant favors."

"Yeah, that'll be the day," Ranma mumbled quietly enough so that only Spike could hear him. The young dragon chuckled and crawled up onto his back again. Then he spoke again, loud enough for Trixie to hear. "Speaking of constant favors, you mentioned food earlier?"

"Trixie did, yes." She looked over to a stone plaza where several tables were set up and gestured to it with a hoof. "Go get a table. Trixie will go get some lunch." Then she hesitated, looking over to Spike. "Hey, lizard. Do you eat pony food?"

"I have a name. You KNOW my name," Spike growled, looking over the edge of the newspaper.

"That sounded a lot like 'no, I'm not hungry, don't worry about me'. Did Trixie get that right?" the magician asked with a sneer.

Spike glared silently over the newspaper for several seconds, and then went back to reading. "Dragons eat gemstones. Plants and stuff can't fill me up."

Trixie frowned, but didn't offer a retort before she turned away and walked off toward the market. Ranma dropped Spike off onto a bench at a picnic table, and then he took a seat opposite the dragon.

"I don't get any of this," Spike grumbled as he continued reading the paper, "who told anypony that you attacked Princess Luna? Did they just make that up? Why?"

"Didn't Miss Princess tell them that? She admitted this morning that it was her fault," Ranma reminded him, propping up his cheek with a foreleg.

"Yeah, but I don't get how. She was pretty clear to me and Twi that you rescued her. How could the Royal Guard decide that you were the assassin?" Spike shook his head. "Maybe it was Blood Rite? He could have spread a rumor about you!"

"Doubt it. When I found him fighting the batty horses from last night, he seemed just as surprised as I was that they were after me."

Ranma sighed. "I dunno, Spike. This entire country is crazy. Did you know that there's some pony out there that actually tells people she raises the SUN?"

Spike quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah. Princess Celestia. What about her?"

Ranma hesitated, wondering if he misspoke. "... She tells people that she raises the sun every morning. Did you miss that part?"

"Yeah, I know. And she lowers the sun every night. It's pretty common knowledge, dude." Spike lowered his paper. "Do humans manage the sun differently, or something?"

Ranma stared mutely at the dragon. Spike stared curiously back.

"Speaking of Princess Celestia, I kind of think I should contact her anyway," Spike frowned down at the paper.

Ranma's ears perked up, and he suddenly looked alarmed. "Wait, what? Why? Don't do that!"

The dragon looked up at him. "But if you let me explain to Celestia that you didn't do this stuff, then I could clear your name! You wouldn't have to bother hiding or anything!"

Ranma winced, and his ears pinned back against his head. "Uh... yeah, no. I don't really think that's how it's going to go."

"Come on, dude!" Spike insisted. "Worst case, they pull you into a court and make you stand trial. You'd spend a day or so explaining everything that happened to a magistrate pony, and then you're home free."

Ranma winced again, constructing an imaginary picture of a pony court in his head. He stood at the center, trapped in a cage and surrounded by spears. Opposite his position, a small set of bleachers containing every creature he had brutalized since arriving in Equestria - from the dragonspawn mother to the uppity musicians to the guards that had tried to lawfully arrest him - scowled at him. A pony judge in a powdered wig stood at the top of a high podium, his voice droning wearily as he rattled off an absurdly long list of criminal charges.

"No. Absolutely not," the martial artist grumbled. "Equestrian justice hasn't really left a good impression on me so far, and this 'Celestia' person doesn't sound any better. Let's talk about rescuing Sparks, instead. I don't suppose you or that paper know anything about Rite or Song that might let us track them down, do you?"

Spike wilted and shook his head. "Nah. I mean, the Princess said that they went to the same school that Twilight did, but neither of them graduated and then they disappeared. That's pretty much all I know that you might not."

"Really? What school is that?"

"Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It's like a special magic school for talented wizards and stuff."

Ranma considered that at length, staring up into the sky. "Huh. So what do they do with the talented earth ponies and pegasi?"

"Well, they... uh..." the dragon scratched the side of his head. "I dunno. Not important. We need to save Twilight. But how do we find her?" Spike asked. "Maybe the Lunar Guard could help? They found Rite before!"

"Fluke," Ranma replied, "pretty sure they were tracking me. Rite was following me too, and they stumbled onto each other."

"So all this time, everypony's been trying so hard to find you that they barely paid attention to the bad guys openly trying to destroy the country?" Spike asked incredulously.

Ranma snorted. "And Loony wondered why I didn't want to give her people the dumb magic rock. Sheesh."

Trixie returned in short order while the two boys were still pondering a course of action. On her back was a plate with a fine, lush salad, while two brown burlap sacks of different sizes floated beside her.

"Lunch is served," the unicorn said cheerfully. She dropped the large sack in front of Ranma, and the small sack in front of Spike.

The smaller of the bags clattered loudly when it hit the table, and Spike lifted it open to take a look at his meal. "What the-? These aren't gems!"

"Brilliant deduction. It's no wonder you're the assistant to a famed and esteemed scholar," Trixie said dryly. She levitated the plate off her back and onto the table for herself.

"These are rocks! Dragons don't eat rocks!" Spike plucked one of the rough, gray stones from the sack and held it up.

"Gems ARE rocks," Trixie retorted. "Their most unique properties are being colorful, shiny, and expensive. Those qualities should not have any effect on their nutritional value."

"It's more than that!" Spike insisted. "I mean, the gems are... the way they taste is... just..."

Trixie took a bite of her salad while he floundered. "Mmmmm... seven out of ten," she mumbled. Then she addressed Spike again. "You don't have to eat the rocks if you don't want to. It's not like Trixie actually paid money for them."

"You mean you just picked these things up off the ground?!" Spike asked, horrified.

"Of course. Did you seriously think Trixie was going to pay money for a sack of pebbles?" She rolled her eyes and took another bite of her own lunch.

"I can't eat these! It'd be like..." the young dragon trailed off again, trying to come up with a good analogy. "It'd be like feeding a pony lawn clippings!" He announced, snapping his claws and pointing to Trixie.

She raised an eyebrow. "What do you think Ranma is eating?"

Ranma - who had his face stuck deep in the other sack as he devoured its contents - briefly lifted his head up. "I'm with Spike. This is gross." He snorted, blowing a small cloud of dirty grass scraps out of his nose.

Then the martial artist promptly dropped his head back into the sack and resumed his meal.

"Trixie rests her case," the unicorn said, levitating her fork back into her own meal.

Mere minutes later, Ranma pushed away the sack and wiped his muzzle. "Blech. Grass is barely better than hay. How did Pops stand eating all that bamboo when he was transformed? I'd always figured that turning into an animal would make that animal's food taste better, somehow."

"You're not an animal, you're a pony," Trixie pointed out between bites of her salad.

"On Earth, ponies ARE animals," the martial artist explained. "Humans are the ones who work farms and build cities and fight each other up for stupid reasons, and ponies are pets."

"How incredibly demeaning," Trixie sniffed.

"Well, to be fair, those ponies couldn't talk or use magic or fly or anything. They're Earth ponies. Just not as smart or colorful."

"Trixie shudders to think of a world where earth ponies are even dumber and more boring than they are here." A rock suddenly flew toward the unicorn's forehead, but then froze in a glimmering pink aura. A moment later it shot back where it came from.

"Ow!" shouted Spike, clutching his nose.

Trixie went on as if nothing had happened. "Trixie could probably manage a show tonight in the main plaza. Get a feel for the town's crowd. Tomorrow Trixie will put out some posters to advertise a much more elaborate event." She finished her salad and smirked toward Ranma. "Now that Trixie thinks about it, having you run around town pinning up posters in that outfit could actually help. You'll be Trixie's mascot character!"

Ranma grimaced. "Mascot character? Wouldn't Spike be better for that?"

"Yes, he would. If he didn't eat valuables and refuse to do Trixie's bidding," she reasoned. "Even the job of doing simple tasks in a costume has SOME qualifications, you know."

"Forget the dumb posters and forget your dumb show!" Spike snapped. He shoved the bag of stones away, annoyed that they didn't even seem to serve properly as projectiles. "We have to save Twilight!"

"Trixie will get right on that as soon as you come up with a plan of action that isn't stupid."

Ranma raised a hoof. "I have a few, but they all involve waiting until Rite actively starts trying to take over the world."

"Then Trixie has nothing better to do in the meantime than ply her trade, does she?" the magician asked with a smirk.

Spike clicked his tongue. "Well, if YOU'RE so smart, why don't YOU come up with a brilliant plan?"

Trixie turned her nose up. "Trixie does not feel exceptionally motivated. Why should it be up to Trixie to save the Princess? Sparkle has close friends, a powerful family, the support of the entire Canterlot establishment, and - in theory - the protection of all arms of the Equestrian state. None of us know exactly where Princess Luna sped off to, but it's a fair bet that she's entirely committed to Sparkle's rescue even as we speak. Plus you, for whatever that's worth. And that's all putting aside that she herself is a powerful opponent, and probably would have emerged victorious if Rite didn't cheat."

Spike huffed and turned away. Ranma leaned closer.

"Come on, Trix. You gotta have SOMETHING," he insisted. "The Great and Powerful Trixie isn't as easy to fool as the jerks in the government. You must have some ideas that haven't occurred to them!"

Trixie seemed to enter some bizarre, restrained state that Ranma had never seen before. As if she was actively fighting having her ego puffed up.

"It... isn't... that..." Trixie struggled through her words, trying to keep rein in her natural urge to embrace and justify Ranma's faith. Eventually, she sighed and deflated. "Unfortunately, Trixie's plans also have their limitations. At least one of our enemies has enough sense and strategic awareness that he's been able to hide his trail, despite your MacGuffin compass and Trixie's magical brilliance."

Spike snorted and mumbled something under his breath. One of the stones from his "lunch" suddenly launched from the table in a burst of pink magic and pegged him in the back of his head, pitching him onto the ground.

"So, ultimately, unless we stumble onto one of the sorcerers at random while puttering about Coltson, Trixie simply can't help." The unicorn shrugged.

"Aw, man! This is the worst!" Ranma moaned, slumping onto the table. "I can't believe we're just stuck here wasting time while those two psychos... do... uh... whatever they were going to do with the stone. 'Fix the sun' or whatever. I just feel so USELESS..."

"Oh, wait, there's Swan Song," Trixie mumbled, looking back over Ranma's shoulder, "okay, yeah. Trixie can work with this."

Ranma and Spike stared at Trixie with wide eyes. Then they snapped their heads around to look where Trixie was looking.

A mare wearing a hooded brown robe and carrying some overstuffed saddlebags was staring at the trio from across the street. As soon as Ranma made eye contact, she lurched back and then turned into a full retreat.

"Was... Was that really...?" Ranma stumbled over his words, hardly able to believe their luck.

"Trixie saw green fur and a horn, and doesn't know of any other ponies who have to hide under a cloak just to walk around town to avoid being attacked... other than you, of course." She coughed. "Anyway-"

Spike leapt onto Ranma's back, howling in rage. "GET HER!!" Ranma reared up with a fearsome whinny, kicking his front hooves in the air.

He was fully prepared to run down his target, but Trixie's hat was magically pulled down over his eyes before he could take off. "Hey! Trix, what are you-"

"Ranma. Lizard. Shut up and listen," Trixie's voice was firm and serious, and Ranma immediately silenced any protests. Spike growled incoherently, but likewise stopped to pay attention. "Trixie has a plan, but it will only work if you two dunderheads follow orders."

The magician walked up to Ranma and none-too-gently shoved Spike off his back. "Ranma, go stop Swan Song. Do NOT hurt her, and do NOT say anything. Just stop her and keep her in one place until we can catch up with you. GO!"

The stallion needed no further explanation. His body seemed to flicker and vanish, and then he was nothing but a gray-and-purple blur zipping across the street and bouncing over rooftops.

Trixie grunted in annoyance as she saw her hat floating through the air, having apparently slipped off mid-jump. "Thoughtless," she tsked, snagging the accessory out of the air and levitating it back onto her head.

"Would you like to explain what the hay we're doing?" Spike asked through clenched teeth. He was none too happy about being pushed off onto the ground, and frustrated as ever at having to follow Trixie's orders.

"No, that would take too much time," the unicorn insisted. Her horn glowed, and then she started rooting through her own saddlebag with her magic. "All you need to do is sit still and stay quiet."

Spike groaned and then sat down, crossing his arms over his chest. "Oh, forget it! If I'm just going to get in the way again, then I might as well just stay here! If I really can't help, then just go on without me! I don't care as long as Twilight is okay!"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand!" Trixie insisted. "This time, you're not coming along as dead weight! This time you're a hostage!" A length of rope slipped out of her bag, animated by Trixie's magic.

The young dragon stared. Then he cringed. "So, wait, you said you had 'ideas' about what to do if we found one of the sorcerers, which implies that there was more than one plan. So, do you think-"

"Stop talking and stand up straight, lizard."

"Aww, hay..."

---

Swan Song rounded the corner and galloped into an alley, barely dodging out of the way of a startled cat. Up ahead the alley split to the right and the left, and she skidded to a stop while her breath heaved.

She turned her head to the right. There was a pile of heaped garbage bins that formed a significant obstacle to anypony trying to get through at high speed.

She turned her head to the left. Then she shrieked as a stallion in a cloak stepped out of the shadows, grinning malevolently.

"Hey, now, don't be scared. I don't want to hurt you," the sleazy-looking earth pony said. He had a switchblade clenched between his teeth, and it glinted in the dim light as he grinned. "But since this is my territory, I'm afraid you have to pay the toll, sweet thing."

Swan blinked. Then she blew out a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank goodness... it's just a mugger."

The stallion blinked back. "Uh... oh... kay... not quite the reaction I'm used to..." After a few seconds of shifting uncomfortably, he shrugged. "Well, since you know what's up, let's get to it. Hand over the purse, please." He tilted to the side to get a better look at the mare's saddlebags. "Oh, hey! Roasted peanuts! I love those! I'll steal those, too!"

"Sure you will," Swan chuckled. Her hood was still up, so when her horn started to glow the light suddenly cast a ghostly pall over her face.

The mugger looked alarmed, and then took a step forward. "Hey! No magic! I'm warning-"

The next thing Swan Song knew, the mugger was flying over her head, screaming in pain and surprise. She staggered backward, her spell fizzling, and then she heard a crash from the stallion landing in one of the trash bins behind her.

She didn't speculate long on the mugger's fate, however, since she was suddenly staring into the face of a more familiar stallion. One bearing a pigtail and a purple, star-spangled cloak.

"You... You saved me from that mugger?" Swan gasped, a blush spreading over her face.

Ranma's eyes narrowed.

"Oh. Right." The blush vanished, and Swan's ears drooped. She looked over to the side, and then behind her, but saw no obvious route to safety now that the pigtailed pony was already in striking distance.

Ranma tracked her gaze, his body tensed like a viper waiting to strike. But after several seconds, it became obvious that he wasn't going to attack unless she made a move first.

"Okay, so... where are we at, here?" Swan asked nervously. "Are you waiting for a confession? A surrender? Did YOU want my purse? You can totally have my purse!"

"No, I don't want your purse," Ranma mumbled, his eyes darting quickly toward the alley entrance before snapping back to Swan.

"Okay. Good. Uhm... so, are we fighting? Because I REALLY don't want to fight right now, if it's all the same to you!" Swan Song smiled broadly, trying to look sweet and harmless. She wasn't very good at it.

"Quiet down. We're waiting," the martial artist mumbled.

"Waiting for... what?"

"Waiting for Trixie!" chirped a voice from the end of the alley.

Swan Song's anxiety turned to exasperation. "Oh, great. It wasn't enough for me to suffer physically? You have assault me mentally, too?"

Trixie trotted into the alleyway, ignoring the other mare's jab. She was still wearing her normal saddlebags, but she also had something lying on her back that was covered by her hat. "Calm down, Miss Song. We're not here to fight or subdue you."

Swan recoiled slightly in surprise. Ranma's shock was just as obvious, and Trixie was glad that she had Swan's full attention so that the sorceress didn't notice.

"Although, Trixie can't help but wonder..." she stared upward briefly, then back at the green pony. "You followed us along our travel route and attacked Twilight Sparkle outside of Coltson, so you must have known we would be here. Why did you return to the city the same day after you had successfully escaped?"

Swan's ear twitched, and she glanced back and forth between Ranma and Trixie. "Roasted peanuts," she mumbled awkwardly, hanging her head and staring at the ground, "they're really good, and the market here sells them in bulk."

Trixie gave the other unicorn an incredulous look. "Seriously? You risked the success of your evil plan to take over the world in order to go grocery shopping?"

"Okay, first of all, I haven't risked squat!" Swan snapped, tensing up. "Mister Rite has the MacGuffin Stone, and even now he's working to complete our ultimate objective! So no matter what happens to me here and now, the clock keeps ticking on your pathetic little kingdom!" She shifted the weight of the bags on her back. "Second of all, so what? Even awesome evil sorcerers need to eat, you know!"

Ranma and Trixie looked at each other and shrugged, conceding the point.

"Anyway, I believe you were saying something about how you weren't going to hurt or capture me?" Swan reminded the other ponies quickly.

"Yes, yes. Of course." Trixie smirked. "We have no intention of harming you, Miss Swan. In fact, we want to work for you."

This time, Ranma's reaction was actually stronger than Swan's, and he took a step back in shock.

Swan Song's attention, thankfully, was locked as firmly as ever on Trixie. "You want to... join us. REALLY." She did not seem convinced.

"Trixie is going to be honest with you: Trixie has no issue with the current Equestrian regime. However, Trixie isn't exactly invested in it, either." She smirked. "Trixie can thrive under any sort of government and under any circumstances! And a key skill for doing so is recognizing opportunity when Trixie sees it!"

Swan narrowed her eyes. "You didn't seem to see the 'opportunity' when Mister Rite was demanding the MacGuffin Stone the first time we met you."

"You're correct, Trixie didn't." The magician nodded solemnly. "You two didn't cut an especially impressive figure back then, and it wasn't as if your boss actually made any kind of pitch for his vision of the future or anything." Her smirk turned into a grin. "But now? NOW Trixie has seen you wallop a Princess, steal a critical artifact, and give the entire Equestrian state the slip! Trixie has seen your skills and determination first-hoof and wants to get in on the ground floor, rather than begging for forgiveness after Canterlot is in ruins."

Swan Song rubbed her chin thoughtfully. Then she looked over at Ranma. The stallion tensed up, trying to completely blank his expression. He also kept his mouth completely shut, for once; Ranma had absolutely no idea what to say about this, and a definite sense that if he tried to speak everything would completely fall apart.

"And what if I don't believe you?" Swan asked finally, turning toward Trixie again. "I mean, as long as we're being honest, we have kind of an ugly history." Then she quickly turned to Ranma again. "Not that we can't put that behind us and get along! I'm totally okay with that! It's just, you know, the timing here is a little too convenient." She faced Trixie again. "How do I know this isn't some kind of trick?"

"Trixie figured you'd want a gesture that proves we're not in league with Canterlot. So Trixie brought a gift." Trixie's horn lit up, and her hat slipped off of the object on her back. "You already have the Book Princess, so Trixie figured you might want her house servant too, so that she doesn't get too lonely."

Lying across Trixie's back, bound and gagged, was Spike. He could barely move from his position, but he managed to twist enough to glare angrily at everyone else in the alley. It was both extremely appropriate for Trixie's plan, and conveniently required absolutely no acting on his part.

"Wait, the dragon? You captured the dragon?" Swan asked, blinking.

"Well, 'captured' is a bit too generous. It's not like the little runt could do much to resist," Trixie giggled. Spike squirmed angrily.

"But I saw him sitting with you guys in the plaza," Swan countered.

"I let him out for lunch. So what? It's not like he can get away, or even call for help. Nopony is going to stop and help a dragon!"

"I see..." Swan nodded slowly. "That DOES explain why it looked like you were trying to feed him rocks. That definitely qualifies as an act of abject cruelty."

Spike mumbled something into his gag. Trixie fought to restrain a snicker.

Swan Song turned to face Ranma. "And what do YOU think about this, Calamity?"

The martial artist opened his mouth, but luckily Trixie spoke first.

"Actually, Calamity refers to his female form. We refer to him as Havoc when he's a stallion," Trixie explained. Once she had secured Swan's attention again, she continued. "And do you really think Havoc has any love for the Equestrian state? The same country that's sought to punish him relentlessly even while he fends off its enemies?" She pointed toward the edge of town. "I'm not sure how closely you were watching us before you launched your ambush, but you probably noticed his little scuffle against Princess Luna. The SAME Princess Luna that he saved from you and your boss!"

"That's true... and nopony would fight a Princess unless they had a really good reason," Swan Song admitted.

Ranma rolled his eyes and huffed petulantly.

"Exactly! How stupid would that be?" Trixie laughed much louder than was necessary. "Havoc rescues a Princess and kept the MacGuffin Stone safe from you and your boss, and all he's gotten in return is a list of rapidly growing criminal charges! We've had enough!" She stamped a hoof onto the ground for emphasis. "Seeing how you have the key artifact anyway and we can't stop you, Trixie's decided to throw her hat in with the winners! What do you say?"

Swan Song stared long and hard at Trixie. Then she turned her scrutinizing gaze on Ranma.

He fidgeted nervously. Not just because he was confused and couldn't think of something to say, but also because Swan's eyes seemed to wander over his body as much as they searched his face.

"I don't know..." Swan said finally. "You guys seem pretty sincere about this, but offering the dragon as a hostage is kind of a weak gesture. He's nopony important. Hay, he's nopony at all! I'm going to need something else." Spike grunted in annoyance at the dismissal.

"Fair enough. What are we talking about, here?" Trixie asked. "You want guards? We're good for a few guards. Trixie would offer up a Princess, but Luna kind of disappeared and you took Twilight Sparkle, so there aren't many left for abduction."

"No, no, nothing like that. I was thinking of something more... intimate," Swan said, her lips curling into a smile. Although she was answering Trixie's question, she was still staring at Ranma. "I totally believe that you guys are fed up with the Equestrian establishment - who can blame you? - but our little spat was never about that, right? It was always... more personal."

"Yeah. So what?" Ranma mumbled.

"So, I want you to do something to prove that there are no lingering grudges," the sorceress stepped up to Ranma and placed a hoof against the stallion's chest, marveling at how wonderfully solid it was. It felt like she was leaning on a warm, fuzzy slab of stone.

Ranma wrinkled his muzzle. "So, how do we do that?"

Swan grinned even wider. "Go out with me."

"What?" Trixie asked, arching a brow.

"WHAT?!" Ranma yelped, recoiling.

"Mmrph?" Spike mumbled incoherently, squirming on Trixie's back.

"I have tomorrow off, incidentally. Undermining a nation doesn't include many vacation days, so I'm a bit stumped on what to do." The sorceress batted her eyelids suggestively. "If I get my way, I'm going to be doing you."

Ranma stumbled backward, eyes wide. Trixie's eyes narrowed.

"Time and place?" asked the latter.

"Tomorrow at noon, at the Feedbag Cafe on the harbor. Me and Havoc. Alone." Swan lifted a hoof and brushed aside a lock of her mane. "If things go well, then we can head back to base and see how things... develop from there."

Ranma whimpered slightly, his ears flipping down.

"Okay... and at what point do we actually do the joining with the rebellion and such?" Trixie asked suspiciously.

Swan glanced over at the magician, frowning. "We don't really need any stage performers for our grand design, to be honest. But I guess it couldn't hurt to ask Mister Rite to let you in." She grinned at Ranma again. "AFTER Havoc enters, of course. Pun definitely intended."

Trixie masked her increasing annoyance with the other mare, pursing her lips tightly. "Okay, fine. You have your date. And your hostage."

"You can keep the dragon," Swan rebuffed the other unicorn, "seriously, I don't want him."

Trixie clicked her tongue, but stepped out of the way. "Then it's settled. You're free to go."

Ranma's face was frozen in an expression somewhere between confused shock and dawning horror, but Swan Song either didn't notice or didn't care as she sauntered out between the buildings. She paused to blow a kiss to the martial artist before rounding the corner, and then used her magic to pull up the hood of her cloak and obscure her head. "See you tomorrow, stud!"

"Bheeughh..." Ranma made a distinctly unenthusiastic sound before the sorceress dashed away and out of earshot.

"... What a complete airhead," Trixie growled, still keeping her voice low. "Blood Rite should really reconsider his hiring standards."

Ranma walked up to her uneasily. "So... um... are we really joining Rite's rebellion now?"

Trixie turned a half-lidded stare on her companion. "Are you being serious? Why would we do that?"

"Well... I actually thought you made a pretty good case, back there," Ranma admitted, rubbing one leg on the other, "I don’t want to go out with Swan Song, but I think I might resent Equestria slightly more than the sorcerers, at this point."

"Mmrm phm!" Spike squirmed some more on Trixie's back.

"The lizard is correct," Trixie said, looking around briefly to make sure there was nopony to overhear, "it was just a ruse. Trixie is a proud Equestrian citizen and isn't planning to sell out the royal order to these losers." Then she pointed a leg at Ranma. "And, as Trixie's employee, you are expected to reflect Trixie's political views concerning your allegiances and outbursts of explosive violence."

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, yeah, fine. I just can't believe that lunatic actually LIKES me! She knows I'm not even a pony!" He tilted his head to the side. "Also, I didn't get that last part about me entering. How is that a pun?"

The garbage dumpster behind him opened up, and the mugger pony stuck his head out. "She was talking about sex. You know, 'enters'? Like, with your-"

Ranma slammed a back leg into the dumpster, and the mugger yelped and fell back down before the lid dropped closed again. "Let's get out of here."

"Yes, quite. We have a lot of planning to do for your date tomorrow!" Trixie said brightly. She seemed curiously happy while she exited the alley ahead of the martial artist.

"Mmph! MMN!" Spike squirmed some more.

"Can we let Spike out of the ropes now? The hostage idea didn't even work," Ranma pointed out.

"We can't be sure Song isn't watching us from a distance, or magically spying on us," Trixie said, "we have to keep up the illusion that I'm a cruel and abusive magical mastermind."

"Illusion. Right," Ranma mumbled. "It's just, despite what you said earlier, I really am a little worried about a guard wondering why we have a tied-up kid with us. Especially since I'm still wanted."

"Although you make a fair point, Trixie has to weigh that against the advantage of not having to hear the lizard's snarky insults."

"Trix..." Ranma's voice shifted to a warning tone.

"Ugh, fine!" Trixie's magic undid the knot that kept Spike restrained. "Celestia forbid Trixie ever get what SHE wants."

Once Spike had his claws free, he ripped the gag from around his mouth. "That was a stupid idea," he growled while the magician carried him down the street.

"Sure. So stupid that it worked beautifully," Trixie snickered. "You have to suit your performance to your audience. If you guys had been allowed to stomp her, we would have caused an explosive ruckus that probably would have ended with Ranma arrested. Or blown up again. Either way, Trixie is getting tired of fleeing towns with a string of burnt-out craters in her wake."

"You were just trying to get rid of me again!" Spike accused.

"Trixie was TRYING to get Swan to give up a clue as to where she's hiding the MacGuffin Stone and Twilight Sparkle. And by 'trying to get' Trixie means 'did get', thank you very much! It didn't go exactly to plan, but Trixie thinks this dating angle is probably stronger, anyhow."

"I dunno, Trix," Ranma mumbled, "shouldn't we be following her back right now, while we know where she is?" He looked behind him, down the street.

"It's better to wait. She'll probably have her guard up against any deception right now. Tomorrow, if things go well and she doesn't feel threatened, she'll invite us right back to her home and past any defenses."

"Do you seriously think she'll do that?" Spike asked. "She'd have to be pretty stupid to even show up tomorrow after getting off without a scratch today."

"Swan Song is obviously a pony in love," the unicorn said with a smirk, "and ponies in love do stupid things. Letting her go home unmolested now is just the gesture of trust we need to get her to make a boneheaded mistake later. Trust Trixie, she knows what she's doing."

Spike and Ranma shared a dubious look.

"And just where did you learn how to manipulate ponies' feelings like that, anyway?" the dragon asked.

"Trixie asked for 'trust'. Specifically, the kind of trust that doesn't involve inconvenient questions. You two wanted to see Trixie's plan. This is it, and it’s working, so stop your whining, already."

She stopped briefly and pointed a leg at a hotel. "We'll stay there tonight. This will take planning, so Trixie supposes putting on her show will have to wait." Then the magician sniffed. "Trixie hopes that Sparkle can reimburse Trixie for lost income during the course of her rescue. Trixie is getting a little tired of having to put her livelihood on hold to save the kingdom."

Spike was about to offer a scathing dismissal of the idea, but before he could a small sack of bits landed on Trixie's withers, right next to him. Trixie froze at the sound of jingling coins, and then twisted her head around.

"Will that cover it?" Ranma asked. "Swan wasn't carrying all that much. We caught her after she was done with her shopping, I guess."

Trixie rolled her eyes, but Spike looked stunned. "You... You ROBBED her?"

"Yes. It's okay though, because she tried to kill me that one time." Then Ranma held up another small sack on a single hoof. "I also took her peanuts."

"Good thinking," Trixie interjected, "that way she needs to come back whether or not she's willing to stand you up."

The stallion blinked. "Oh. Uh, yeah! That's why I did it." He stuck his snout in the top of the sack and crunched down. "Hey, these ARE pretty good."

"Glad to hear it. Now quiet down and follow Trixie. Spike, go ahead and drop the bits in Trixie's bags," Trixie ordered.

"Oh, so you remember my name now that I'm holding your money," the dragon griped before doing as he was told.

Trixie pushed the door open to the hotel and made her way to the registration desk. Ranma followed hesitantly after putting away his pilfered goods.

"Trixie would like to rent a room for the night, please. Trixie might stay the week, but will pay by the night in case that changes," she declared.

The pony behind the desk blinked, and then tilted her head to look behind Trixie. "Uh... okay, so which of you is-"

"SHE'S Trixie," Spike interrupted, poking the back of the unicorn's head. "She just talks like that."

"Ah! Right! No problem," the pony at the desk opened the guest register. "Three beds?"

"ONE bed," Trixie corrected firmly, "Trixie isn't paying for an extra mattress just for the lizard."

The other mare was much more interested in the sleeping arrangements of the stallion in the cloak than the dragon child, but held back her questions. "All right, that will be 30 bits please."

Trixie levitated a trail of coins from her bag onto the counter, and after counting up the currency the mare dropped a key onto the desk. "Thank you very much! Enjoy your-"

"HOLD IT!"

Trixie snapped her head around, clenching her teeth. A trio of guards were entering the hotel behind her, one of them levitating a rolled-up piece of paper. Judging by the way their attention was fixed on Ranma, she could guess what they were here for.

Ranma himself flinched, but stood ramrod straight and looked directly ahead, as if he hadn't heard a thing. Which only made him look all the more suspicious, since he was the only one who hadn't immediately turned to look.

"Whoa, uh, okay," Spike quickly started groping for something to say. Given that Ranma was a wanted felon and Trixie was an ex-villain who once enslaved a town, he felt that he was easily the most reputable member of his group and the one best suited to speak to the peace officers. "Can I help you guys?"

"You can step back, citizen," one of the guards warned as the rolled-up paper unfurled. To exactly no one's surprise, it was one of Ranma's bounty posters. "This stallion is hereby under arrest for his many crimes against the Equestrian state!"

"Ah, yeah, see, about that," Spike hedged, chuckling nervously, "this is a bit of a misunderstanding, actually."

"Then I advise we get this fellow to a magistrate where his misunderstandings can be sorted out," noted a pegasus, brandishing a set of shackles.

Seeing Spike's attempt at negotiation fail, Ranma turned to address his accusers. "The 'misunderstanding' is that I'm not this pony at all! I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I'm some sort of criminal!"

"Everyone? You mean everypony?" mumbled one of the guards, confused by the word.

Ranma ignored him. "My name is Ranma, not Havoc! I know our faces look similar, but how can you arrest me when you can't even see if I have the right cutie mark?"

At this, the guards hesitated and glanced at each other. Then the pegasus turned back to Ranma.

"Okay, fair enough. Show us your cutie mark, then."

DAMMIT. I probably should have expected that, Ranma thought to himself. The unicorn guard's horn started to glow, and a matching cloud of magical energy appeared at the edge of the cloak concealing Ranma's legs.

Then a black felt-tip marker floated past, carried by a swirling aura of pink.

The marker reached the levitating poster, and then swiftly scrawled a heavy, curled mustache onto Ranma's image.

All of this, of course, took place right in front of Ranma and the guards, as well as everyone else in the hotel lobby. When the marker finished drawing the facial hair, all eyes in the room followed the marker back to its owner, who slipped it under her hat as if nothing was wrong.

"There. As you can see, gentlecolts, my companion here does not match the profile of this 'Havoc' stallion," Trixie said, gesturing to the poster with her hoof, "your vigilance is appreciated, but Trixie is afraid you are in error."

The guards stared at her as if she had grown another head.

"But... you just drew that mustache on there. We SAW you," one guard explained slowly, furrowing his brow.

"Yes, obviously," Trixie agreed, planting a hoof against her chest. "Trixie is from the Canterlot bounty dispatch office, and has been tasked with updating these wanted posters. Some clown making the notice copies apparently drew the suspect without his mustache, claiming that it 'looked silly'. Can you believe that? As if that would make it hurt less when he kicked your teeth in. Never mind the potential for mistaken identity!"

The guards looked at each other incredulously.

"Okay then, let's see your badge," demanded the pegasus.

Trixie arched an eyebrow. "Badge? Trixie isn't a guard. Why would Trixie need a badge?"

"But-"

"Look, Trixie doesn't know why you're making this difficult. Speak to Moon Heartache if you don't believe Trixie." She paused briefly, waiting for the key moment of confusion to take root in the stallions. "You DO know who Moon Heartache is, right? The assistant director of the regional warrant office?"

"Oh! Uh, yeah! That name sounds familiar," mumbled one of the guards, his eyes darting back and forth. He wasn't even aware there was a regional warrant office.

"It should! Trixie would hope that the guards out arresting ponies based on the bounty notices at least have a basic understanding of how those notices reach them!" Trixie nodded, smiling. "Anyway, Trixie was escorting this entirely mustache-less civilian, since he was complaining that he was being constantly mistaken for the crook." She chuckled. "You can see why this is a problem! What with barber shops exploding, evil sorcerers roaming across the countryside, and muggers infesting dark alleyways all over town, the LAST thing you guys need is to be chasing down false leads, right?"

"Right, okay. Good point."

"Yeah! I was wondering about that explosion."

The unicorn rolled up the poster again as his partners turned away to leave. "Well, I'm glad you were around to clear this up, Miss! Sorry about the trouble. And please tell Miss Heartache to keep up the good work."

Trixie gave a pleasant wave as the peacekeepers left, grinning victoriously. Then she levitated her room key off the table and turned toward the stairs. "Well, shall we go?"

Ranma was fairly stunned, having silently and helplessly watched the entire misdirection play out in front of him. He shook his head furiously, and then followed after Trixie.

As soon as they were headed up the stairs and out of earshot of the ponies below, Spike grunted in annoyance.

"Figures that your most useful skill would be lying," the dragon said irritably.

"Given that Ranma's most useful skill is hurting others and you have no useful skills to speak of, Trixie chooses to take that as a compliment," the unicorn said smugly. "You just have to keep your mouth shut and let Trixie work her magic! It worked on the guards, it would have worked on Princess Luna if Ranma had cooperated, and tomorrow it will reduce Swan Song to putty in our hooves!"

"I'm glad most ponies are stupid," Ranma mumbled.

"Right? It just makes things SO much easier!" Trixie chirped. "Come on, then! We have a big day ahead of us!"

(This was a picture done by Nauth that was unfortunately finished after the chapter was done, and doesn't particularly fit anywhere. Still, I like it, so here you go!)

Author's Note:

Ranma Saotome's official rap sheet: Assaulting a Princess of Equestria (two counts), assaulting a public official, aggravated assault, trespassing, breaking and entering, arson (multiple counts), vandalism (multiple counts), destruction of private property, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer (multiple counts), assaulting a soldier of Equestria, possession of an unregistered magic weapon, defacing a public bounty notice, high treason, refusal of a royal decree, conspiracy to rebellion, illegal deforestation.

Ever play a D&D game where one guy invested so heavily in Bluff that they just talked their way past most encounters and kind of left the party's combat crew standing around and feeling dumb? That's what Ranma's feeling right now.
Hey! I hear Trixie's going to be in the next MLP episode! I sure hope that her next portrayal doesn't shatter my fragile headcanon of her as a cynical, silver-tongued antihero!

There was supposed to be an art piece that goes with this chapter, but I'm tired of waiting for it, so I guess it will feature in the next chapter, maybe.

Comments

[badninja]

So the conspiracy goes deeper. So how much longer until the Lord of Chaos himself meets his High Priest Ranma? I am surprised Spike has forgotten to send a letter to Celestia asking for help. He is now a passenger on a ship of fools and it will not end well for him.

[Emperor]

Looks like I was correct last chapter about the zany Ranma-Trixie-Spike team dynamics! Like that wasn't obvious, anyways.

Trixie has a silver mane to go along with her silver tongue, it seems. Of course, Ranma 1/2 slapstick always melds so well with 99% of the pony population being complete idiots, so there is that. And she got one of the more manageable Ranma characters. Imagine if she had gotten Ryoga? They'd be lost all the time. Even worse would be if she had gotten Kuno.

I wonder if Spike is ever going to remember to actually send a letter to Princess Celestia.

General Firebrand and earlier Sergeant Firebrand in a yearbook, but no Commander Firebrand?

[MWKillKenny84]

Good chapter, and I fear to think what wuould have happened to poor Equestria if Genma was the arriving one..

[Charon the Chronicler]

I sincerely hope that the press receives their comeuppance. And maybe have a stallion get infatuated with femRanma, maybe. Great story anyways, sides-splitting humor as well.

[SFaccountant]

7182999
A while longer. Discord's part in the story is relatively minor.
As a rule, I dislike writing characters whose thought process can't be adequately mapped, and who can solve most of the plot quickly and effortlessly.

7183346
Well, obviously Trixie would have abandoned a Ryoga or Kuno pony long ago. Ranma just happens to meet her minimal level of competence to travel with.
Plus, he's actually willing to suck up to her. Despite her "silver tongue", Trixie isn't exactly hard to manipulate herself.
I'm not sure what you mean by "no Commander Firebrand." There was no reason to show him rising through the ranks or anything.

7183483
Well, for one, Ranma would already be engaged to Twilight Sparkle.
Or Celestia.
Probabaly both.

7183776
Punish the media? Like, in general? That seems unfair. It's not their fault that Ranma leaves a trail of devastation wherever he goes.
It's not his fault either, generally, but you know. Whatever.

[Charon the Chronicler]

7183862 I was thinking more of the specific pones. Too lazy/high on painkiller to go through your story to find their names.

Goodstory by the way, well written and all that.

[RTStephens]

Once again, too many things to point out that would leave a monstrous comment.

I do like seeing Ranma busting out the old Anything Goes Saotome Secret Technique Number 2, though. Always a classic.

Heh, if Trixie ever got bored with traveling and performing for a living, she'd make a good spy. She can talk her way out of (almost) anything.

I kinda want to feel sorry for Spike, but he's not helping his case by being a constant big mouth.

And is that melancholy I see from Blood Rite? Interesting.

Ah, a staple of Ranma 1/2 next chapter: devious dating!

[zooba]

Trixie's internal monologues and bluffs are always the most entertaining parts of the story.

[John Tannius]

Discord WISHES he was as awesome as Ranma!

This story consistently makes me laugh. My daughter keeps asking me what's so funny every time there's a new chapter.

[psychicscubadiver]

Man... Trixie ascended from bitch to Ultra Bitch Supreme. I mean, Jesus, even by slapstick standards her treatment of Spike amounts to child abuse.

Always, why hasn't Spike already contacted Celestia? They're in town, he could get paper and ink. Hell, he and Ranma honestly *don't* need Trixie. Princess Celestia could clear up the accusations against Ranma and give them actual support in rescuing Twilight. I get that you may want to avoid it because that seems like an easy fix, but if it's an obvious solution and the heroes choose not to take it for no reason, then you've got a serious plot hole.

[SFaccountant]

7184973
Spike already explained why that would be awkward. Luna and Twilight were pretty much going about this "quest" behind Celestia's back. And nobody really expects contacting Celestia to "clear things up". Spike doesn't know why Ranma is wanted in the first place (which makes vouching for him difficult) Ranma doesn't trust the Canterlot government at all and doesn't even want to risk it (especially as he actually DID do some of the things he's accused of) and Trixie is pretty sure Ranma would just screw up any possibility at reconciliation and that it wouldn't solve anything anyway (which is absolutely correct).
Spike could totally contact Celestia on his own - and maybe he will - but now he knows without a doubt that Trixie and Ranma will abandon him if he does. Far from being an "easy fix", he loses the help of the two ponies who have any sort of grasp of what is going on, and instead gains the help of all the ponies who have been utterly incapable of even inconveniencing Blood Rite so far.

You may think Ranma and Spike don't need Trixie, and you might be right, but I think it was pretty clear that Ranma doesn't agree.
But aside from that, I think Spikeabuse is hilarious.

7184883
Don't tell her! She mustn't know our secret!

7184500
They're easily the best part to write, too!

7184386
It's about time Swan Song's romantic sub-plot paid some plot dividends!
No pun intended.
Maybe a little.

[Emperor]

7183862 Commander Firebrand is the alias of one of the bigger pony video analysts. Search it up, that's why I made that comment!

[psychicscubadiver]

7185235
Once things have gone pear-shaped and Twilight has been captured, informing Celestia would be a pressing need regardless of how awkward it would be. Plus, Spike doesn't need to understand exactly what crimes Ranma is wanted for. From everything that's gone on he knows that Ranma was wrongly attacked by the Lunar Guard (he was very vocal about that before the duel with Luna) and could give something so simple as 'Ranma's innocent and on our side, not Blood Rite's'.

I can see Ranma's and Trixie's reasons not to contact Celestia, but Spike's just feel hollow to me. After Ranma was willing to kowtow to Trixie to bring Spike along, why on Earth would Spike assume that bringing Celestia into this would cause Ranma to abandon him? Plus, it isn't like Celestia has even tried to confront Blood Rite as she didn't want to risk getting trapped in the stone, a problem that is a moot point as of now. I can see where Ranma would not trust her competency, and Trixie would be worried about Ranma's mouth, but Spike would have no reason to doubt that Celestia could help fix things.

[SFaccountant]

7185346
Oh. Never heard of him.

7185928

After Ranma was willing to kowtow to Trixie to bring Spike along, why on Earth would Spike assume that bringing Celestia into this would cause Ranma to abandon him?

Because Ranma said outright that Spike's plan was awful. And Spike's plan was exactly what you're suggesting: summon Celestia for help and try to explain that Ranma is on their side. Trixie articulated the precise problem with that, vis-à-vis Equestria capturing Ranma rather than Blood Rite. So Spike understands that there's at least a chance that contacting Celestia will bring all the guards down on his ally rather than his enemy, and he's not totally sure he can clear Ranma's name based on his personal clout with the Princess (the legitimacy of which is debatable, but that's another argument). "Ranma's on our side, not Blood Rite's" doesn't address most of the charges against him, or why so many ponies seem to think otherwise.
Given these circumstances, any move he makes to contact the authorities will result in Ranma and Trixie bolting, and he knows that. I may have to modify the chapter somewhat to make that more clear if you feel it doesn't support that conclusion, but that's precisely the scenario I meant to establish. As of chapter's end, contacting Celestia would also almost certainly ruin Trixie's plan as well.
And he really has no good reason to believe that Celestia will actually be able to help; your point about the stone is both rather obtuse, and incorrect. Celestia can absolutely still be captured inside of it. Assuming that she would be able to find Rite in the first place, and that he doesn't have some other method of dealing with the Princess he's been plotting against for years.

[psychicscubadiver]

7186657
Ranma never 'said outright that Spike's plan was awful', so if that's what you're trying to express that modification would help.

EDIT: Ah, he does when kowtowing to Trixie. Huh, I didn't think he actually believed it among the other lies there.

I still fail to understand how contacting Celestia directly and explaining to her that Ranma is innocent and on their side is so difficult. Why would she disbelieve Spike when she already knows that Ranma is the pony that rescued her sister from Rite and Song and has seen more than enough of Luna's paintings to recognize him on sight?

As for the stone, it was never before indicated that it could hold multiple people thus my assumption that she could not be absorbed.

And even if Celestia was useless in finding/retrieving the stone somehow, removing Ranma's wanted status would be more than enough of a perk.\

[SFaccountant]

7186736

Ah, he does when kowtowing to Trixie. Huh, I didn't think he actually believed it among the other lies there.

The lies? What part of his begging was untruthful?
Whether or not Trixie is annoying or awesome is subjective, of course, but Ranma's been quite impressed with her so far. And he, at least, really doesn't think they can track down the bad guys without her.

I still fail to understand how contacting Celestia directly and explaining to her that Ranma is innocent and on their side is so difficult. Why would she disbelieve Spike when she already knows that Ranma is the pony that rescued her sister from Rite and Song and has seen more than enough of Luna's paintings to recognize him on sight?

Because Ranma is accused of a bunch of other stuff that has nothing to do with Rite and Song.
Maybe you think being on "their side" against the villains is enough to absolve him of his other alleged crimes. Every legal system I'm familiar with would disagree. And while I'm certain that Celestia COULD instantly declare his crimes forgiven in return for helping Equestria out, Spike isn't positive that she WOULD. Moral cause and effect don't seem to work right around Ranma Saotome.
But really, that part is irrelevant. Ranma and Trixie are out if Celestia is in. So Spike has a choice between Celestia's help and Ranma's help. I'll make an edit so that's more clear.

As for the stone, it was never before indicated that it could hold multiple people thus my assumption that she could not be absorbed.

For all the readers know, that's true.
But even then, it's just a matter of dumping Twilight into the face of a fireball spell to empty the MacGuffin Stone, and then it's back in play again.
Or they could use the MacGuffin Stone with Twilight inside it to power their magic up to defeat Celestia. My point was just that Blood Rite is as dangerous as ever at this point.

[RanmaChaos]

Another very enjoyable chapter. Great job.

[Everglue Horace]

the opening couldn't be funnier if they had a picture of Trixie assuming it was Blood Rite and a picture of Calamity thinking it Swan Song.

Ranma slowly looked up at her. "Uh... it's called 'kowtowing' where I'm from. It's something we do to make apologizing and begging more humiliating. Do you guys not do this?"

I thought it was called the 'crouch of the wild tiger' a secret technique more devastating than the ultimate technique of the Saotome school of indescriminate grappling... that of course being to run away with your tail between your legs. Naturally, I use the fannon translation but you can see it below.

and of course the ultimate anything goes technique... was unavailable for review.

[Everglue Horace]

"Well, to be fair, those ponies couldn't talk or use magic or fly or anything.

Not to mention, like dolphins, they evolved from sloths.

[SFaccountant]

7196232
Wait, whoa. Dolphins evolved from ancient sloths?
Crazy.

[Everglue Horace]

Ever play a D&D game where one guy invested so heavily in Bluff that they just talked their way past most encounters and kind of left the party's combat crew standing around and feeling dumb?

No, but in friendship is dragons
http://friendshipisdragons.thecomicseries.com/
one of the comments involves a guard that let a whole crew into an enemy stronghold (or simmilar) because the dice roll made sure the gm/dm Raconteur accepted the bluff of 'I need to pee.' the general story is actually stupider than it sounds. And, If I find the time, I'll read through the comments again to see if i can find it ... the comments in FID are such an entertainment unto themselves they get regular readings on youtube.

It would probably be within the first 100 odd pages if that helps.

[Everglue Horace]

7196294
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Even-toed_ungulate

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/notrocketscience/2010/05/07/whales-evolved-from-small-aquatic-hoofed-ancestors/#.Vy6qWSMrKOA

http://antiochapologetics.blogspot.com/2007/11/wolf-to-whale-evolution.html

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-05/bc-stn050411.php

[Lord Sergal]

Ever play a D&D game where one guy invested so heavily in Bluff that they just talked their way past most encounters

I think I mentioned this somewhere, but I remember a campaign where one of the players played as a grizzly bear with all of its points invested in bluff. A Grizzly Bear.
He ended up with his own noble house and spoke via a butler with a Ring of Speak with Animals.

[SFaccountant]

7270138
Man, humans are like the BEST companion animals, am I right?

[Lord Sergal]

I generally prefer kobolds as pets. Then you can throw them at your enemies!

[Bunnehwyld]

Lord Sergal, SFaccountant, perhaps you're thinking of the legend of Sir Bearington? :) http://m.imgur.com/tAV3wHl

Also, SF, I blame you for people wanting to know why I'm losing it laughing the last couple days. Great writing! :)

[SFaccountant]

7270916
Ew, Kobolds.
I think Tellis has decisively proven that ponies make the best improvised projectiles.

7272518
I am fully aware that my materials can be hazardous to the reputations of my readers. However, I refuse to submit to the recommendation of the Surgeon General and apply the requisite warning. Because I'm a REBEL.

[Bunnehwyld]

7272607

Hmph. Very well, then. I will just have to exact a most fiendish revenge. .. by buying you a drink! Muahahaha!

[Lord Sergal]

7272518
HE ACTUALLY POSTED THAT?! HAHAHA!
Also:
7272607
Don't dis the cute midget dragon people. Besides, anything is a good projecile when you throw a suit of power armor on it... Including Tellis for that matter. Actually, I wonder how Serith would do as a ballistic weapon...

[Twilight_Shimmer]

I love this story and I look forward to more chapters in the future. Do I sense a Ranma x Trixie x Luna shipping?

[Swan Song]

I am so confused.

[SFaccountant]

7289002
Oh, hey, your username the same as one of my characters.

[Swan Song]

7290005 And apparently I'm pure evil?

[SFaccountant]

7358325
No, no, no.
Only, like, 70% evil.

[ayh]

7359186 And the other 30% is pure crazy adorableness!

[nightmaster0]

Really awesome story.

I'm wondering how Ranma will react and coup when he find's out the stone worked. He's now the last human alive. He's going to need his friends there for him when he finds out.

I'm curious if we're going to some romance develop in Ranma future. Personally I think Ranma/harem would be awesome. If that's not a option that I'm rooting for team Ranma/Trixie.

[Fucks Ungiven]

This is a really good story how much longer till there is more. Also would anyone happen to know any more good Ranma crossovers?

[SFaccountant]

7464042
Thank ye much. Writing progress has slowed due to the US Presidential election, but I'm still working on it.
If you want to see more Ranma stuff, check out the Ranma Meets Ponies group in the story sidebar.

[Fucks Ungiven]

7464874 Alright I'll check it out. Also US election is really terrible this year.

[King of Beggars]

What a lovely story. I got into fanfiction in the 90's with Ranma fanfics, you know. Lovely.

[SFaccountant]

7491885
Thanks.
I was big into Ranma fic in the 90's too. Cut my teeth there for years.

[King of Beggars]

7493365

I could tell, man. They way you're slipping in just a little bit of Japanese into the dialogue is great. Fanfics in those days were lousy with people showing off how much Japanese they knew -- which wasn't much. I eagerly await the random introduction of the Sailor Senshi and Lina Inverse into this story. They DID appear in horse-form in those little cutouts in Fluttershy's cottage that one time, along with Ranma.

Seriously though, great story, can't say enough nice things. Hope he ends up with Luna.

[Greatazuredragon]

"There. As you can see, gentlecolts, my companion here does not match the profile of this 'Havoc' stallion," Trixie said, gesturing to the poster with her hoof, "your vigilance is appreciated, but Trixie is afraid you are in error."
The guards stared at her as if she had grown another head.
"But... you just drew that mustache on there. We SAW you," one guard explained slowly, furrowing his brow.

Yeah well...

The unicorn rolled up the poster again as his partners turned away to leave. "Well, I'm glad you were around to clear this up, Miss! Sorry about the trouble. And please tell Miss Heartache to keep up the good work."
Trixie gave a pleasant wave as the peacekeepers left, grinning victoriously.

Awesome chapter, good work.

[EverfreeSparkle]

You know, at this point I think Rite is onto something. Pony society is absolutely horrendous right now. The average pony is incompetent, stupid, and not to mention destined from birth to have a terrible or good life just based on their name and special talent. I mean, what the fuck? No wonder Rite wants to change things.

[SFaccountant]

7993215
IKR?
And if your cutie mark gets changed somehow, then you immediately feel compelled to do a different job. Ponies are forever slaves to supernatural magical compulsions.
So messed up.

[Hidemain]

One I absolutely love trixie.
Two. I feel bad for spike at the same time I'm laughing my ass off at his ongoing torment.
Three. I really need to sit down watch ranma 1/2 after this.

[Bahamuttone]

7186992
Hmm well the flame letter transport doesn't give away the location of Spike... The logical thing to do would be to CONTACT Celestia WITHOUT divulging their current location, just to clear up the various misunderstandings and notifying that Rite has Twilight inside the gem...

[Sora2455]

"Huh. So what do they do with the talented earth ponies and pegasi?"

Earth Ponies don't need to be taught how to use their magic, and Pegasi go to flight school.

[Admiral Q Ponyform]

Poor Spike, seeing how incompantent the government actually is.

And you should Check out FOB Equestria, he actually fit here.

[Pinklestia]

At this rate Ranma will save Equestria then still have Equestria royal guard wanting to kill him.