- Member Since 7th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 13th, 2020
Malice In Wonderland
"Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys. CHOCOLATE RAIN!!!!" I don't know about any of you, but I'm rooting for eternal chaos. GO DISCORD!!
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Such a good buildup at the start... then a rushed cliche of a fic. Really a downer seeing as I had really high hopes. You have a good grasp of grammar and vocabulary, but the story really lacks focus and direction.
6256298
Thank you. And I'm sorry. I'm thinking about writing a sequel if this one goes well, and if I did write a sequel, I would most definitely try to add more detail. Thank you for telling me that.
6256306 Details and descriptions. You don't have to rush it, even if the fillies do!
Also just had to add the fact that Scootaloo was in on the whole thing immediately because she wanted to emulate RD was perfectly in character for her.
6256325
Thanks. I might try editing this story and adding more detail just so I don't get too many haters. Again, thanks so much.
ok, why does everybody and his grandma think that a Unicorns horn is also a sexual organ? i have never understood this concept as it makes no logical sense!
6256670 Because Narwhals
6256670 6256685 #rekt
25.media.tumblr.com/f46dbba8284724d059d2eb80ebf99bcd/tumblr_mfwmi1ab0M1qj5jqso1_400.gif
6256685 i find that logic to be highly questionable...yes i looked at the link, and no i dont think it answers anything in the slightest...primarily due to a lack of source siting or supporting evidence. its a blog, any idiot can write a blog of 'science' and say whatever they want...
6256741
Talking magical tiny horses? I'm cool with that.
Horns being used for sexual purposes? Too far.
6256741Last comment and how I worded it was shit, so here we go: Horn-jobs are not canon, just the way it does magic and stuff, makes a lot of people think it would sensitive to pleasure. I don't understand it either, nor do I understand, or believe it because narwhals.
6256816
6256838 no wonder i found the logic questionable...there was no logic to be had in the first place. this is y i almost never read clopfics, almost inevitably, they do the horn job thing with the Unicorns
6256890 Not all clopfics have hornjobs in them...
6256898 not all, no, i have found a few that dont fall into the meme, but they r few...
FOALCON IS WRONG!
6256948 Then let me ask, why did you comment on this story, when you know there is foalcon in it? Sersiously, if you don't like foalcon, then why, did you take the time to click on the story that has foalcon in it? Dislike it, despite not reading the damn story? And take the time to put in all caps, what is the equivalent to, "I SEEK THINGS TO HATE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!!!"
Really? Tell me why. Explain to me why you want to waste your time, as well as waste the time of everyone else in the comments.
I really must commend the way you handle the interraction between the Crusaders. I could easily see the scenes wen they talked at the beginning before me, and their respective language was perfect in my opinion. Well done!
More chapters? Please? Maybe you could have Mac find out, or maybe traumatize Twilight.
6257842
I don't think I can add more chapters because it's already complete, but I can write a sequel some other time including some of those things. I'm sorry if you didn't like it.
6258103
There's nothing physically stopping you from adding more chapters and/or changing the status of the story.
Whether you write more about this as more chapters or as a sequel, I'd be happy to read it.
It's alright 7/10
6259279 I'll give at an 8.
6261627 it's only because it was short
6261639 Aye.
SHOW don't TELL!
I can't emphasize this enough! The clop scenes were all telling and no showing.
Okay, I'm going to quote a paragraph and then I'll rewrite it so that it SHOWS and doesn't TELL
Your Version:
My rewrite:
You notice how much more life my rewrite had to it? Granted its longer but its showing what Sweetie Belle is feeling and thinking, not telling.
Hopefully this provides some insight for you on how to write future chapters and stories.
6262816
That helps SO much! Thank you!
6258103
Oh, I did! I just also think it has more available than wut's there. Sorry if you find that offensive.
So we meet again Pinkam3naDian3Pi3
6262816 You are totally right. Your rewrite is a 200% cooler.
Autor this fic needs more beautiful descriptions and literal words, don't ya think?. What the "p*ssy"?! It's indecent word actually (say the least of it). And it's not common at kids. I understand that it's M-rated story but (not only at you) vulgar words are spoiling the impression from fic.
I am just foreign but I know English pretty well and details of story made by using such type of vocabulary are a little confusing.
6262816
"Don't just declare it, describe it," is how I was told to think. "Show not tell," is more poetic, but confusing what it means to "show." What you're specifically looking for is vivid descriptions.
6256298 I agree with this. It did start out pretty good, but, as Isseus said, it was a little rushed. But the descriptions were decent and I've always been particularly fond of foalcon, so that was a nice read.
7457303
Thanks
7457303 If you're so fond of foalcon, how come I've never read any of your foalcon fics? Oh, wait, you don't have any!
...Which means go write some for me. Nao.
7457628 XD
I DON'T NOT like this, it was just really eye opening
something different. Great writing. You did good.
7941148
Thanks?
The description is very good, it would be perfect if more dialogue/thought are added. It is important to make clear that it is the first time of these three. They might be nervous, curious, and they shouldn't know how to do these things.
That was a cute and hot clop scene you did there
.
8894548
Awww, thank you so much!! No joke, when i saw someone commented on this I was like "Oh, shit," But that made my day. Thank you
8904305
. It's always nice to see somepony write about my three of my four most favorite ponies
; with Fluttershy being the first
.
No problem
6256670
Well, this is rather suggestive: ;)
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/4/4e/Twilight%27s_magic_charged_S4E26.png/revision/latest?cb=20140512110856