• Member Since 9th May, 2015
  • offline last seen February 13th

Emerald Gem


E

Anthena is a very talented unicorn with a strong ability to do magic. So strong that she could cast a calming spell on a manticore at a young age. But when she tries teleporting all her friends at one time , her and her friends don't end up in there destination, but rather in ponyville. As they explore ponyville, they find out that they were transported to another dimension. Can the ponies in the other dimension help?

Anthena, Turquoise Blitz, Illusion, Crystal Clarity, Prism Bolt, Starburst, Cotton Candy, Golden Delicious, and Princess Nidra belong to Kilala97

All other oc belong to me and NyxAli.

Mane 6 belongs to hasbro and Lauren Faust.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 3 )

You might want to go back and fix this, there are way too many typos here.

Also, take a look at the characters you're describing, because a lot of them seem either out of character or have their character traits over exaggerated:

"Why are you asking me? I have no clue!" Prism said, doing a series of flips in mid air.

"I was talking aloud, you retard." Star said harshly. As they trotted nearer, Prism said, " Hey Star, wanna spook Annie?"

One, Star wouldn't be that crude, even if she was insulting him.

Two, Prism may love to pull pranks but he has standards. He would NEVER pull one on Annie.

"Hey!! Why do they get to be in charge?! Prism yelled after Twilight.

"Because, were older!" T said.

"Excuse me?!!" Prism said, wings flaring up and flying to Turquoise. "I was born before you!!!"

"Ok then, Prism. I meant Golden. But I am 'Bigger' than you." T said, rather happily.

T has never been one to simply lord his height over others or use it to get what he wants.

Because she..... Umm...... She...... Wasn't thinking straight! Yeah, that's it!" Prism replied hesitantly.

"Ha, Looser." Star said, hearing their conversation.

Prism's way to immature, and Star's too mean spirited.

"Oh! Let's have a PARTY! Candy said as she jumped up in the air. Then she got an idea. "STAGE DIVE!!" Candy called as she Jumped off the pedestal Annie's book was laying on.

You turned Candy into a carbon copy of her mother.

And that's just a few of the over exaggerations. Seriously, go read the bios of the characters you're trying to betray before writing them out.

Um...I think there are some that needs to be capitalized...And some needs some commas, and some has too much periods...I think Star is too mean and Prism is like a kid or something...Oh, by the way, it's spelled 'Anthea' not Anthena...Don't worry about that though:twilightsmile:

Okay you NEED to research the characters you're writing! Prism is too childish. It has to be about him he has to lead, yes Prisim loves attention but he isn't that childish. Starburst is too mean and violent. She can be crude but even she has her limits, That and Candy should have some logic behind her. (Not to the point that she isn't full of energy but enough that she doesn't do insanity for the sake of insanity.) Plus T would never use his height to get what he wants. He is a nice pony who avoids conflict. (Unless you hurt his friends then he goes berserk.) There's probably more but I don't feel like looking right now. Also you need more descriptive imagery. Most of the story has barley an explaination about the setting. Also why does everyone show up out of nowhere? Have some set up to their arrival not just "Candy, Nidra and Illusion showed up." Maybe something like "Candy walked beside Nidra and Illusion to see the Chaos unfolding at the hill. Prism and Starburst were at it again as they tried to trample each other. Just an idea on how it could play out.

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