Spike and Scootaloo bond over how sad he finds her in the treehouse. *written for a one shot contest*
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- Member Since 22nd Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Mar 11th, 2019
AlyssaAmbrose
I'm a shielder (nickname my friend Shelley gave me bc I'm a huge fan of the WWE's shield), a directioner, and an Ambrose fangirl. I'm 17 and I love JROTC!
AlyssaAmbrose
Joined 22nd Jun, 2015 ·
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Subject matter is pretty good, over all, I like it, though I did find a few minor punctuation errors, you also demonstrated the inner turmoil well, and the story pulls the reader in.
This one hit me. Have a cookie. *hands a cookie* And this mustache.
6254647
6254764 Thank you both. I really liked working on this
6255106 One more thing.... You get readers choice from me.
6255115 haven't been here long.....explain
6255140 User ratings on a story, we can set up our own libraries, in mine, Readers choice is the highest rating
6255143 Nice!!
6255140 Also giving you a follow, I look forward to your future works.
And an offer of friendship to go with it.
6255154 I like that
6255232 sequel?
6255546 I can try the well of inspiration must replenish first
I am a bit torn on this one.
I certainly like the topic and in principal it was well handled. There is nothing inherently wrong with this story. You tried to show Scootaloo's inner turmoil and you did not make self harm something either very bad or positive. All in all I do like it and it is certainly better than most Scootaloo stories I read on a day to day basis.
I guess what bugs me a bit is the length of the story. You enter too late, and with that don't give enough builtup for Scootaloo's feelings. They are more or less retold as an exposition that is over after just a few paragraphs. Spike is handled rather well, but Scootaloo gives in way too fast. If she is in a mental state to self-harm herself in an uncontrolled manner a few words would most likely not help. Spike could and should talk to her, but Scootaloo would continue bawling or something, even though Spike asks and says the rigth stuff.
What is more important though, is that fact that Spike does not bring Scootaloo to any adults, but even worse, disappears to Rarity if if the situation is dealt with in full. Admittedly, Spike is only a child, but even because of that his impuls would be to run to Twilight.
In the very end the hint that they have fallen in love somewhat weakened the story for me as well. If you wanted to focus on this, it would have needed a bit more development in the story, not just an afterthought.
I guess what all this boils down to is that for me the dire consequences for Scootaloo fell a little short, and the situation was resolved too easily. However, at least for me, this is exactly this where the potential for great storytelling lies. This certainly has the potential for a follow up, where you could further delve into this issues.
6256661 Actually this story was based off a true story between the two of her friends. So the story actually has some fact to it.
Horse
6256715
It doesn't matter if it happened in real life or not. The story is still extremely fast-paced and it kicks both characters, Scootaloo and Spike out of character. In 1.3k words this happens:
Scoots: "I'm gonna cut myself because filly <x> said bad things about me!"
Spike: "Scoots, don't! You're a cool filly!"
Scoots: "Yeah, you're right."
Spike: "...Yeah." I developed feelings for Scootaloo out of the blue because why not.
Scoots: I somehow developed feelings for Spike out of the blue, so I should talk to him about that on our way home.
Story is different than an entry from a diary. It needs to have characterization, pacing, and overall, substance. This story fails on more levels than one:
For characterization, it kills both Scootaloo and Spike. It kills Scootaloo because she turns her from a brave pony as we see her in the show to the crybaby that thinks, that the pain will go away with cutting herself. While that is not entirely false... Let's just stay at this point. I rather not go further on the subject. And Spike? Spike is practically Twilight. That's not how he talks.
For pacing: Rather than this being a properly paced story, this reads like a list of events without proper emotional depth. It doesn't try to establish any kind of depth or meaning before moving on.
And substance? There's hardly anything in there. I think that the story wants to tell me that if a dragon tells me not to cut myself, it'll probably lead to some form of romance.
Hardly any of this makes sense.
~Twi
I liked this story a lot even if it's a bit short I think this story is pretty good.
Whether romantic or friendshipping, it is unusual to see a story featuring Scootaloo and Spike bonding over something.
Welp.
#IShipItLikeFedEx
And considering I'm not that much of a shipper, that's saying something.
Eh. First off, the ending just doesn't work, they just out of the blue get a crush on each other. As others have said before, the build-up to Spike's whole "I'm proud of you" moment needs a lot of work as well. The early section is a lot stronger, as it's more believable for Scoots then to be depressed between a full day of both of her friends being out sick, and having to put up with bullying. Even then the single hint we get of Diamond Tiara's actual words is pretty blatant over-the-top when DT hasn't ever been shown anywhere as vicious as that. Mean, certainly, but not outright cruel.
Well, I gave this a read because I am a sucker for ScootaSpike (thanks a lot, King of Beggars!) but this… wow, okay. This story kind of ratchets up the stupid just for the sake of feels.
I mean, really, not giving a disabled kid a prize because they would want it to go to an able-bodied kid. A group like the Wonderbolts, or shit, even a school, wouldn't pull that shit, it'd be a PR nightmare. An orphaned disabled kid. I mean, shit, they'd make a huge fucking deal over it to win some good PR points, give her the star treatment. Not go "Ewww, orphan disabled foal, fuck that!"
I mean, where in the hell would they even have gotten that information? They run a medical background check on all contest entrants?
I honestly was interested when it seemed to be going down the route of exploring self-harm; but this story didn't do that. It just kind of… I don't know, tried to make me feel bad for the poor widdle disabled orphan child, and the dragon that swoops in to save the day.
Yeah, no thanks.
It felt rushed for me but it was good for me. Few errors here and there but didn't really matter. I'll be watching you man.
I like it, but it feels the pacing's off. I mean, Spike just jumping on her and telling her she shouldn't cut herself, while logical, should probably be paced out a bit more. Let the narrative linger on the event. Let Spike explain things a bit more slowly. Also, the sudden jump cut to Sugarcube Corner was confusing. It also feels like it ended up in the air. Like there's a sequel waiting in the wings. Otherwise, really good work.
I noticed others mentioned that Scoots is a bit out of character. But I think you did a good job covering that. Why we don't normally see her like that. It was good.
diamond tiara and silverspoon are jerks...