• Published 27th Jul 2015
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To Cure Insanity Please Insert Ponies - No One and Nobody

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Chapter 4: Crazy Meet Crazy

Chapter 4: Crazy Meet Crazy

Joker had been listening carefully for the past few hours. He had heard the rest of the prisoners in Arkham complaining as Batman distributed his little gifts.

However unlike the rest of the prisoners or even Batman himself he could hear everything that was being said. He listened intently as Croc caved, Riddler retracted, and Bane bombed to the strange whisperings of their gifts.

When Batman got to his cell he was sitting there cross-legged on his cot grinning wickedly.

Batman tossed a pink toy into his cell and left.

Joker just sat there staring at it, his smile widening, waiting for the fun to start.

And waiting.

And waiting…

Joker’s smile wilted and, getting up, he walked over and picked up the toy.

“Well?” he said, glaring at it, “Where’s the big show?”

Disappointed, he tossed the toy out of his cell and lay down in his bed, glowering.

“How come they get to have all the fun?” muttered Joker, closing his eyes.

He was awoken by the sound of someone giggling. Looking down he saw the pink toy standing on his chest, it’s hair lay flat, in its hoof it grasped a sharp steel knife, and her smile was barely visible behind those crazed eyes.

Joker jolted awake and fell out of bed, landing on the floor. Standing he looked at his bed and found the pink toy lying there back to its bright and happy self, no knife, just a huge smile which now seemed a whole lot creepier.

Joker chuckled a little without taking his eyes off the toy and picking it up said, “So that’s how you want to play it?”

Without warning he bit the head off the toy and spat it out of his cell. Taking the rest of the toy he jammed it into his shoe and started doing jumping jacks.

“Now who’s laughing?” he chortled. Then his face froze.

Grimacing, he shivered and then laughed aloud.

Yanking off his shoe he yelled into it, “Tickling’s against the rules.”

His shoe was empty.

Backing slowly towards the door, Joker’s eyes darted around the room looking for any shade of pink.

Back against the door he froze as he spotted the pink toy standing in the middle of his room, head reattached.

“Don’t blink,” said the toy without moving its lips.

He didn’t. Or at least he tried.

After a minute or two he couldn’t help it. He blinked.

When he opened his eyes the toy was gone. In its place was a cupcake.

“Happy birthday to you…” came a quiet voice from nowhere, “Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to… JOKER!”

A giant set of blue eyes popped up right in front of him and his head automatically jerked backwards slamming into the door. Pain throbbed through Joker’s skull. He shook his head, opened his eyes and…

Found he was lying in bed.

Glancing quickly at his chest he was relieved to find it bare of the pink monster. He looked around and discovered it was standing by the door staring at him with that huge smile on its face.

Getting up he moved slowly towards the toy. Stopping about a foot away he licked his lips and said, “What do you want?”

The smile vanished from the toy’s face as it started to speak.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie and you’re crazy. The rest of the people here have problems but you, you’re really crazy, and none of the sane people here can help you. You’ve got a nice big smile on the outside, but on the inside you’re all frowny. That’s why I’m here. I figure the only way to cure you is to… outcrazy you. I’m going to drive you sane. Now let’s turn that big frown upside-down.”

The pink horse swiped at the floor with one of her hooves, the entire room swung upside-down and Joker landed on the ceiling.

Reaching out the Joker grabbed her in his hand and held on as tightly as he could. There was a ‘pop’ and she jumped out of his grasp, followed by another one, and another one, and another…

As Joker held on for dear life to the pony in his right hand the room began to fill up from ceiling to floor with bouncing pink equines, all yelling “FUN!”

Joker floundered in a sea of pink that kept pinching, poking and prodding him.

“Let’s put a smile on that face,” said one of the duplicates as two more grabbed his face and stretched it into a wide smile.

Pure terror gripped the Joker as he went under and could feel his mouth and lungs filling with pink pony. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, and they just kept coming.

Joker sat bolt upright in bed and looked towards the door to see the pink pony standing there a huge smile on her face and a small, metal top spinning in front of her.

Joker gulped and sat back down on his bed trying to figure out his next move.


Rarity waited patiently in Batman’s hand for the moment when she would meet her new friend. She felt herself leave his grasp and fly through the air to land softly on a rather dirty mattress.

Getting up she looked around to find herself in a small, sparsely decorated room with a set of doves sitting on a perch.

“Hello,” she said, trying to be polite, “My name is Rarity.”

“Greetings miss Rarity,” said a squat person from a corner of the room, “What is a fair lady such as yourself doing in a place like this?”

“I’m looking to make a new friend,” said Rarity, “Who may I ask am I addressing?”

From the shadows stepped a short, wide man wearing a monocle, carrying a walking stick, and wearing prison garb.

“I am the Penguin,” he said, bowing low, “A gentleman thief par excellence, sadly captured and incarcerated here like a common criminal.”

“In my opinion,” said Rarity, tossing her hair, “A gentlecolt is somepony who give rather than takes.”

“A truly noble ideal yet sadly antiquated in Gotham-”

“Antiquated my hoof!” said Rarity, slamming her hoof down on the bed sheets; “I cannot imagine somepony of such noble bearing aspiring to such plebeian pursuits as larceny.”

Penguin swelled his chest in pride at being called noble and coughed politely.

“You truly think I possess a noble bearing?”

“That I do. Why I could see somepony of your caliber doing great things for... people. Why you could be mayor if you truly applied yourself and treated others the way you wish to be treated. I always live by the golden rule and so far I have never been lacking for anything.”

“Well then stick around mademoiselle,” said Penguin, adjusting his monocle, “I feel as though someone, pardon somepony with your qualities could greatly improve a morality such as my own.”

“It would be my pleasure,” said Rarity, smiling graciously at him.


“Stop that!” he said as the coin came down and landed on edge, again.

“I’m sorry I just find it odd that someone of such obvious intelligence would resort to such a method for determining their path through life.”

Two-Face picked up his coin from the floor and glared at the navy blue alicorn, as she called herself, sitting on his bed.

“I already told ya’, the coin makes the decisions-”

“Heads I win, tails you lose?”

“Shut up. You don’t know what it’s like being a freak… a monster.”

“On the contrary,” she said her face becoming somber, “I know all too well what it’s like. The only difference is that while I was consumed with hate, you still have half a chance to be the man you once were.”

Two-Face flipped his coin again, this time it landed flat on the ground. However the man who was once Harvey Dent didn’t even glance at it; he merely stared at the wall as his good hand clenched and unclenched.

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