• Published 27th Jul 2015
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To Cure Insanity Please Insert Ponies - No One and Nobody

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Chapter 3: The Second Night

Chapter 3: The Second Night

Walking a little ways down the hall Batman stopped and turned. Sliding into a dark corner he stood stock-still and waited.

“Hey!” came an infuriated yell from Croc’s cell, “I told you to forget this stupid—Aagghhh!”

Batman’s eyes widened as he listened to Croc seemingly yelling at no one. The yelling soon became a cry for Batman to come take away the dumb toy.

Suddenly the shouting died away and Batman couldn’t hear Croc anymore.

Batman whipped out a small earpiece and attached it to one ear. He listened in silence to the small microphone he had planted on Croc’s door as, down the hall, Edward Nygma stared cautiously at the cell door.

“Well sir, how did it go?” asked Alfred dusting off Bruce’s cowl as he sat in front of the computer analyzing what he had recorded from last night.

“I don’t know,” said Bruce, hitting rewind, “Something definitely happened with Croc. I don’t know what exactly though. Every time I tried to get closer to the cell I kept getting interference on the earpiece.”

“And I see that you retrieved the test object when you were through with it,” said Alfred picking up the small yellow pony.

“That was here when I got back this morning,” said Bruce, pressing play on the keypad, “These toys are far from ordinary.”

“So what’s on the agenda for today?”

Bruce looked up at Alfred and, pulling his cowl down over his eyes, said, “Observation of the subject.”

“Shall I pack you a sandwich for lunch sir?”

But he was already gone.

The nurse never knew what hit her. One minute she was walking down the hallway with an empty tray of food, and the next she was in a dark corner with a gloved hand over her mouth.

“I need to ask you some questions,” said the Batman removing his hand from her mouth, “About Croc.”

The nurse stepped back and took a long breath, “I just took him his meal. The only thing I noticed was that he seemed rather tired.”


“Yes, usually he grabs the food and growls at me. But today he just took it and sat down on his bunk. His eyes were red.”

Batman’s eyes narrowed and he stepped back into the shadows.

The nurse blinked and he was gone.

Batman sat in the Batcave staring intently at the yellow toy in his right hand.

“Who’s winning the staring contest?” asked Dick coming down the secret passage from Wayne Manor.

“These aren’t ordinary plastic toys. They seem to either induce some sort of hallucination in their subjects or create a localized magical experience.”

“What do you mean?” asked Dick picking up another one of the toys.

“Croc was talking to this toy like it was actually alive. I could only hear his side of the conversation.”

“Sounds to me like hallucination.”

“Possible. I ran his speech through an audio speech algorithm and it looks as though he definitely believes he was talking to someone. However the algorithm also told me that his speaking pattern was normal, so his brain functions were un-impaired.”

“Not hallucination.”

“Probably not. I’ve been trying for the past two hours to see if I can trigger the same function in these toys for me.”


“Since I’ve started following the directions there are no more notes from No One. I’m getting all my data second-hand from the inmates at Arkham. I’d like to get some information from the source.”

Dick raised an eyebrow, “So you’re saying you want to get it straight from the horse’s mouth?”

“Basically. Yes.”

“Well than I’ll leave you two alone.”

Dick donned his costume and left the cave on his Bat-cycle.

Batman leaned back in his chair and continued staring at the yellow pony.

There was the crinkle of paper being folded slightly and Batman slowly lowered the pony onto his console. The sound had come from behind his chair low to the ground. It wasn’t Alfred.

Glancing at the reflection on his screen he could see what looked like a small white horse with wings and a pastel-colored mane flowing in the breeze.

Slowly turning around he looked down to see a small pure-white pony toy standing on a folded sheet of paper.

Bending over he picked it up.

Dear Batman,

Still looking for answers? Fine.

I’m afraid I can’t help you, so ask Celestia.

Don’t worry she doesn’t bite, but she does possess massive telekinetic abilities.


No One

“Hello,” said a soft rich voice behind him, “Will you accept my friendship?”

It had been a rough day for Croc. After spending most of the night up listening to that yellow pony talk about her adventures he had been exhausted. He didn’t care if he never saw that stupid pony ever again.

There was a soft click as something landed on the ground by his door and he winced.

“Not again.”

“How are you tonight?” said the soft voice of Shy who was standing at the base of his cot looking up at him with those huge eyes of hers.

“Listen,” said Croc sitting up on his bed, “I really don’t have time to listen to you tonight ok. So could you just leave alone?”

“Well I could always listen to you,” she said giving him a big smile.

Croc groaned, “I don’t have anything to talk about.”

“Well why are you here?”

“You mean locked up? Caus’ I done bad things that’s why. People don’t like me see. So I don’t like them. Rob a few banks try and get some revenge and the throw me in here.” Croc gestured to his cell.

“Well why did you want to rob banks?” asked Shy.

“Because then people would stop lookin’ down at me just because I’m different. I could show them. Heh, they think they’re so big with their fancy suits and fast cars and their girls and stuff…”

Shy listened quietly as Croc rambled on.

“I grew up wrestin crocodiles. They were the only things that weren’t scared of me. Got tough. Only way I knew how ta get respect was by showin’ people how strong I was. It was always pretty easy, after all everyone's scared of me.”

“I’m not,” said Shy, putting her hoof on his knee as she sat next to him.

“Hey Croc!” yelled Nygma from the next cell. “What do I do with this thing?”

“Shut up!” yelled Croc, “Can’t ya see we’re talkin’ here.”

“Why don’t you go to bed,” said Shy jumping off his bed and fluttering a little ways above the ground, “I’ll sing you a lullaby.”

Croc lay down on his cot and grunted.

“No thanks. I’m good.”

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head.

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed.

Drifting off to sleep, leave exciting days behind you.

Drifting off to sleep, let the joy of dreamland find you.

Hush now, quiet now, warm under your comfy spread.

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to beeedddd…

As Fluttershy stopped singing she could hear Croc snoring loudly.


“Good-night,” she said planting a soft kiss on Crocs forehead.

After she left no one was there to see the smile on Croc’s face as he lay there on his bed sound asleep.

Edward Nygma watched as the Batman stepped out of the shadows and slowly slipped something into Croc’s cell.

“What was that?” he asked standing up and moving over to his door, “I didn’t get a good look at it last night.”

“You’ll see,” said the Batman turning around and walking towards Nygma's cell.

Nygma wasn’t one to be easily scared, he had faced the dark knight many times before and knew that he could hold his own from an intellectual standpoint. But something about the way that Batman was looking at him told him that this was something completely different.

Nygma stepped back and raised an eyebrow at the Batman, “What do you mean by that?”

Batman reached into his utility belt and held something up between his first finger and thumb. With a flick of his wrist he sent it flying through the air to land inside Nygma’s cell. With a swish of his cape he was gone.

Nygma carefully approached the small purple thing that Batman had thrown and bending down he inspected it.

It was a small plastic toy, no bigger than a bar of soap in the shape of a cartoon horse.

After listening to Croc most of last night Nygma was wary of whatever this was. Slowly he removed his shoe and scooped up the toy being careful not to touch it. Sitting on the bed he examined it carefully.


Nygma dropped the shoe in surprise as the toy sneezed.

The purple creature emerged from the shoe on the ground and looked up at him.

“You know it stinks in there, right?”

Nygma didn’t know what to say.

“Hello. Anypony at home?” it said waving a hoof at him.

Nygma got down off his bed and looking carefully at the thing on his floor he said, “Are you real?”

It snorted, “I should think so. That sounds like the kind of question Pinkie would ask. Of course I’m real.”

“And what is your purpose here?”

“I’m here to make friends.”

“With whom?”

“You, obviously.”

Nygma grinned, “I see. Alright then purple horse toy-”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

Nygma gave her a look and continued, “Alright Ms. Sparkle Riddle me this, when is a friend on a computer not a friend?

Twilight tapped her chin with a hoof before her eyes brightened, “When they’re without an ‘R’ key; then they’re a fiend.”

“That’s right and I’m afraid that’s what you have here,” said Nygma quickly trapping Twilight underneath a plastic cup.

There was a flash of purple light from beneath the cup and Nygma was swatted aside with a floating keyboard.

The cup was knocked over and Twilight stood there grinning and waving the keyboard, “Sorry buster but I have an ‘R’ key.”

It vanished in a puff of purple smoke.

“How did you do that?” asked Nygma rubbing his face.


“Don’t be ridiculous there’s no such thing as magic.”

“I’m a talking plastic purple pony toy. You want to repeat that?”

Nygma groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Hey Croc,” he yelled hoping to get some help from his next door neighbor, “What do I do with this thing?”

Croc yelled at him to shut up.

“You know,” said Twilight staring closely at Nygma, “You don’t look very much like any of the other people I saw on my way in here. What makes you so dangerous?”

Nygma didn’t even realize he had just been tricked. He fell headfirst into the trap and started talking about his favorite subject, himself.

“Ah-hah, now see that is why I am so infamous. People underestimate me because of my size. But it’s not the size of the muscles in the fight that matters; it’s the size of the brain, and mine is the biggest there is. No one has an intellect as large as the Riddlers ha-ha-ha-ha—”

“So you’re saying you’ve got a big head?”

“No, I didn’t say that.”

“Well it sure sounded that way.”

“I said intellect not head.”

“Ok then fine,” said Twilight shrugging, “Then riddle me this Mr. Riddler, When is the Riddler not the Riddler? Hint: it also involves an ‘R’ key. Or rather a lack thereof.”

“When he’s Reformed, but I’m not going to reform until I have my revenge,” said Nygma glaring at Twilight.

“We’ll just see about that,” said Twilight smirking at him.

“Hello Batman. I have heard the Croc. He yells like a demon possess him.”

Batman didn’t say anything he just flipped something small and blue into Bane’s cell and moved on.

Bane raised and eyebrow and getting up from his bed went over and picked up the piece of blue plastic.

It was a small plastic pony with rainbow hair and a sleek sky-blue torso.

Bane held it in his open palm observing it closely.

“Booo!” it suddenly yelled at him.

Bane started but didn’t drop the toy as it rolled over on its side and began to laugh uproariously.


Bane narrowed his eyes and crushed the pony in his grasp.

“Now who laughs?”

His eyes widened in surprise as he felt the toy kick his fingers open and fly out of his grasp, doing loop-de-loops around his head.

“You’re not too hot at this, are you?” she said as he swung hopelessly at her.

Bane was strong and fast but this creature moved like lightning itself.

At last, giving up, Bane sat down on his cot and said, “What do you want tiny pony?”

“Well Twilight told me I’m supposed to make friends with you, but you don’t seem that smart… or cool.”

“I have killed men who have said less than that about me.”

“I don’t see how. You can’t even catch me and I’m like a hundred times smaller than you.”

“If I had Venom in my veins right now, there would be no contest.”

“Venom? What’s that?”

“It is what gives me my strength, my edge. It is what makes me the man who could have broken the bat himself.”

“You mean like a drug? Whoa man, that is so totally not cool. I don’t take anything and look at how cool I am. I don’t need to break anypony. They already know I’m awesome.”

“Ha, that is why you, pony, are the fool. Venom makes me stronger, faster—”

“Dumber? Because that’s what you sure sound like to me. I’m fine with who I am. I don’t need to take anything to make me something else. I’m 20% more me than you’ll ever be.”

While Rainbow had been talking Bane had made his move. Faster than a striking snake he grabbed at Rainbow but only managed to snag her back hooves.

Grinning mischiefly Rainbow flew towards the door to the cell, lifting Bane off his bed, then she cracked her body like a whip and sent him flying through the air to smash into the door.

“Hey, would ya keep it down ja jerk I’m tryin to watch the show over here,” said the person from the cell next to Bane’s.

Bane groaned as he slid off the reinforced door and landed on his head.

“Ha, I’ve got it. First I’ll teach you how to cheer. That did wonders for Fluttershy. Then we can move on to maybe a song or two and from there… Who knows?”

From his position on the floor Bane growled, “Bane does not sing songs or cheer stupid flying ponies.”

“You know when you refer to yourself in the third person like that you sound like somepony else I know who had a big ego problem. Don’t worry though, we soon fixed her.”

Bane closed his eyes and moaned inwardly. And he had thought that Arkham was torture.

Bane’s next-door neighbor clapped her hands and jumped up and down with a huge smile on her as she watched the strange orange pony with the accordion bouncing around her room and singing a silly song about mayonnaise.

“Woo-hooo! If Mr. J could see me now.”

“Howdy there sugar cube,” said the orange pony in the Stetson with a huge smile to the poor stick-like man who was backed up into a corner staring wide-eyed at her, “We need to put some meat on them bones of yers.”

Crane stared fearfully at the small creature as it advanced on him holding what looked like a giant apple-pie.

“No, no! Please. Stay back. Help!”

Poison Ivy sat there, annoyed, as she watched the little green pony walking through her garden saying things like, “Dude. Far out. This place is like so in tune with my cosmic life-force right now.”

Meanwhile in another cell Clayface stood looking confused at the cross-eyed pegasus who hovered right in front of his face. She seemed just as confused as him.

Author's Note:

The Hush Now, Quiet Now song I used was this version right here:
I do not own it, and it is not quite the original from the show.

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