• Published 27th Jul 2015
  • 1,454 Views, 76 Comments

To Cure Insanity Please Insert Ponies - No One and Nobody

  • ...

Chapter 1: Mail's Here

Chapter 1: Mail’s Here

It had been a long night of crime fighting for Bruce. He had scoured the city hunting in every crack and cranny for criminal scum and had stopped a couple of small time muggings and an apartment robbery.

Hanging up his cowl he headed up the secret passageway to Wayne Manor. Dick was already out cold on a couch and Alfred was busy taking away a half empty cup of cocoa.

“How did it go Master Bruce?” asked Alfred, composed as always.

“Fine,” said Bruce, grinning, “For once we had somewhat of a quiet night.”

“For you sir I find that hard to believe.”

Bruce chuckled and headed upstairs to his room, he couldn’t help but feel that for once something was going right for him.

It was morning at Wayne Manor and Alfred was pouring coffee for the two late-nighters. Bruce got there first, sat down and began going through the paper.

“I hate to interrupt sir,” said Alfred, setting Bruce’s breakfast before him, “But this package arrived early this morning.”

Bruce looked up and took the large parcel from the butler.

They both turned as Dick came walking into the room rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, “Who’s it from?”

“I’m sure I don’t know, but it is addressed to Master Bruce.”

“Why don’t you open it,” said Bruce, handing the package to Dick.


The thick brown packing paper peeled away to reveal a transparent plastic container.

“Who would send us something like this?” asked Dick, opening the case and pulling out a brightly colored plastic toy.

“Some sort of practical joker perhaps?” said Alfred, placing Dick’s plate of waffles in front of him.

“Let me see that,” said Bruce, taking the small toy from Dick.

“Well sir?”

“It would appear to be a small horse of some kind.”

“A pony, perhaps?”

“Maybe… Hey, there’s a note too,” Dick reached into the packing paper and pulled out a small envelope, “No return address or anything. It just says ‘hope it solves your problems’. What do you suppose that means?”

Dick opened the letter, took one look at the note and his eyes froze. Handing the note slowly to Bruce he said, “Here Bruce, you’d better read this.”

Taking the note from Dick Bruce read it out loud.

Dear Batman,

I hope that this gift grants you some much needed rest.

On the back of this note you will find a set of directions, follow them and I promise you things will change for the better.


No One.

“And what exactly do the instructions say?” asked Alfred, pouring some more orange juice for Dick.

Bruce took a long look at the back of the note and then grabbing, the plastic container filled with ponies, he left the room headed for the Batcave.

Dick got up to leave but Alfred gripped him by his shoulder and pushed him firmly back into the chair, saying, “You’re not going anywhere until you’ve had a well balanced breakfast Master Dick.”

Dick sighed and started shoveling waffle into his mouth.

“Honestly, you are going to make yourself sick,” said Alfred, shaking his head.

Dick bolted down the secret passage to find Bruce analyzing one of the toys.

“What were the instructions?” he asked.

“See for yourself.”

Bruce handed him the letter and Dick looked it over.

“It doesn’t make any sense, ‘Pink one for Joker, Green for Ivy, Purple for Riddler’. Who would want to give them presents, and why?”

“Whoever sent these to me wants me to deliver them to Arkham, personally. That’s the reason for addressing it to Bruce and then letting me know he knows who I am. Something is up. I’ve looked over every single one of these toys. Their completely normal, no hidden wiring, no secret compartments, explosives, poisons and they are made out of a completely biodegradable non-toxic plastic. They’re not even strong enough to be made into weapons.”

“So what do you think that means?”

“There’s only one other thing I can think of.”

It was getting close to dark as Zatanna stood outside the theater waiting for a cab.

“Can we talk?”

“Do you always have to sneak up on people?” she asked as she turned to see a dark form emerge from the alley.

“This morning I received a set of these from someone named No One, any idea what they are?”

Zatanna took the small toy and looked it over, “It’s kind of cute. Planning to start a new franchise?”

Batman glared at her.

“Sheesh, it was just a joke. Lighten up a little.”

“I need you to check for any kind of hidden magic. I have a feeling that this toy is a lot more than it appears.”

“Only if you say ‘please’.”


“Cigam Neddih Laever,” she said, waving a hand over the toy.

Nothing happened.

“No magic here,” said Zatanna, tossing the toy back to Batman, “Why the interest?”

“Someone sent me these with a set of instructions telling me to give them to my worst enemies. It’s either a plot against them or against me. Either way I have to be careful.”

“I take it you’ve already checked them for bugs, metal files, plastic explosives, etc. Otherwise you wouldn’t have come to me. If I can’t find any magic on them, then maybe they are just some normal toys.”

As Zatanna said this a nearby clock tolled midnight. Batman’s fist clenched tight around the plastic toy and his eyes lit up.

“If they’re not magic,” said Batman, holding out an empty hand towards Zatanna, “Then where did it just go?”

“Sir,” said Alfred, placing the brown paper parcel on the kitchen table, “I know this is getting repetitive but, you have received a package… Again.”

“That’s the third time this week,” said Dick, “Are you positive that Dr. Fate couldn’t find anything unusual about those things?”

“He said that he could sense something in my fate but no magic anywhere near these toys.”

“Shall I retrieve the camera, sir?”

“Yes Alfred.”

Alfred stepped out the door and, reaching up, he pulled a Batarang from a dark corner just above the front door.

“Here you are sir.”

Bruce took the Batarang and pulled out a portable viewing screen. He and Dick watched the front door on the screen, carefully waiting for something to happen. Suddenly a box appeared on the welcome mat.

“Go back a few frames,” said Dick as Bruce scrolled back through the footage, “Wow, it just appears out of nowhere. One frame is empty and in the next there’s a box. Creepy.”

“Creepy indeed Master Dick.”

“And without any end in sight,” said Bruce, opening the letter again, “Interesting.”

“What is it?” asked Dick.

Dear Batman,

Stop over-thinking this whole thing and just follow the directions.

I’m trying to help you.

Put some trust in my little ponies!


No One

Bruce set the note down and picked up one of the toys.

“What are you going to do?” asked Dick.

“Who do you think has the thickest skin?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I’m going to follow these directions and see what happens, I’ll need a good test subject.”

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!