Twilight asks Rainbow if they can move their reading session from the library over to the cloud house. Snuggling ensues.
Winner of The Abyss' cuteness competition.
Chapters (1)
Syntakitty
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I've always wondered how a pony can play an electric guitar inside a cloud home.
Anyway, outside of a few spelling errors, this was nice. I never took Rainbow for being such a thinker, but I'm not against the idea in the slightest. Faved.
6268358 Spelling errors? I'll have to have a couple more skims of the story to find them. But, if you would be kind enough to fish them out, I'd be really, really appreciative.
6268368 Actually, it seems that my computer is messing up to the point that some sentences appear missing.
Yeah... You are probably fine.
6268391 Phew. Had me worried for a second there.
Nice, I like it. Nothing like a short bit of Twidash to bring a smile to your face!
Dis was such adorables!
Should really follow up with the aftermath of Twilight waking up.
6269905 I am planning on writing a sequel sometime soon.
6270386 sweet. Toss me a reply on this thread with a link when you're done. Look forward to it
.
A few things. First off, oh no, cocktail parties! My only weakness! Second of all, I love the phrase "She's been a good friend to me. That means something," due to the fact that it's one word off of literally the most common stock greeting I get in Skyrim. But enough about Skyrim. I swear I see it on nearly every page on the internet anymore. I guess this is my contribution. Anywho, you did really well on Rainbow Dash's point of view. I've seen stories where they made her seem about as well educated as a below-average second grader. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. I don't know. Finally, and I'm sorry about this, but grammatical and spelling errors! First, in paragraph 5, 'your' should be replaced with ''you're.' In paragraph 9, there's a missing word that I believe to be 'at.' Then in paragraph 85 (I think), there's this weird little 'ti' between 'up and' and 'over.' I believe it may have been a backwards missing 'it' in the phrase, 'lift it up and over,' or maybe that's just me, I'm not sure. Four paragraphs later, we have the word 'quietened,' which I'm not entirely sure is a word at all. I'll have to check that. And then, another four paragraphs later, (Hmm, I wonder if there's a pattern here 5, 9, 80, 4, 4. No, no there is not,) it seems as if you could not decide between specification or just using a pronoun and being done with it, and we are left with 'she Rainbow,' which is quite a title if you ask me. And 12 more paragraphs later, you start a sentence with 'and,' which I can't really give you much flak for, seeing as how I do it from time to time as well, like I literally just did without noticing. Twice. Anyways, that's it. It was really well written, and had few mistakes [ponies make mistakes (sorry, but I had to say it)] It was cute, and certainly amusing to my exhausted mind at 2:47 in the morning. Great job. Oh, and I bet soccer's easier without hands to grab the ball with and get called out for.
6270508 Wow. Thanks, man! I really appreciate the time you took to find those errors. I'll just go ahead and fix those now.
Oh, and I was wondering when somebody was gonna pick up on the Skyrim thing. Have a gold star!
It was cute i liked it
Would be interesting to see two things, one Twilight's perspective what is she thinking. And two What happens when they wake up the next day?
I'm not much for TwiDash but this was a cute pice of fiction nonetheless
~Tobben
Take out the "for" here so the second half just reads "and think about it for a second."
Minor, but the "i" in "it" shouldn't be capitalized here.
Missing a quotation mark between "herself" and "we"
This should be either "going to do" or "gonna do"
I have a minor issue with this. The term "quote, unquote" is more a verbal thing, since it's used to indicate when a word would be in quotations if it was being written. When you're writing it anyway, you can just use quotations and it has the same effect. The only exception would be maybe if were used in a piece of dialogue, as the person is still technically saying it.
"There"
Regardless of all that, this was still a sweet little story. I'd be desperately asking for a follow-up, but I can see in the comments that you already have a sequel idea in mind.
6271823 Fixed 'em. Cheers, man.
Was a fun and cute story, thanks for sharing it!
For advice/positive-criticism, I'd say to lean more towards showing rather than telling next time. Held a lot of exposition and and not a lot of actual happenings. Like, when mentioning Rarity "forgetting" something and leaving the two alone, it could have been done in a particular flashback where Rainbow's sitting there with Twilight for awhile and mentions this is the Xth time Rarity has done it or such. Same message but has more interplay and less thought space.
6273325 I'll probably integrate that into the sequel, but thanks for the advice anyway. I really appreciate it.
You have successfully made an adorable. Very well done.
The retrospective spin you put on your storytelling dulled it a bit, that whole "show don't tell" thing coming back at you. But instead of building up the plotline details, you could have taken the retrospective concept and run with it, showing more of Rainbow's musings on how she got to where she is, instead of a slightly annotated recitation of events. You have some of that just from your choice of perspective; the story really comes alive for me when Rainbow digs down into examining what she thinks and why she thinks it, like that section you put in about Rarity's machinations.
6293191 Thanks, man. It's a lot to think about, but I'll be sure to try focusing more on showing things, rather than writing a quick run-down of events. Thankfully, my next story won't be limited by the whole 5000 word cap that The Abyss's competition forced on me, so I can just go all out.
All of that aside, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story, and I appreciate the constructive criticism. It really helps me out.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
This is just too adorable.
Jumping back and forth like this in a story can be easy to mess up, but you did a great job.
6268358 She plays a mean air guitar
D'awwwww
Now I feel warm and fuzzy inside...
DAMN YOU FOR RUINING MY EDGELORD STREAK. (kek)
aww, I was hoping to see Twilight wake up. still, its cute.
6386843 Don't worry, he got me too. Now I have to go read cupcakes again just to get back In my usual mood.
Ha, loved it!
Continue this! XD
This was a fun read and I would love to see that aftermath.