• Member Since 20th Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

MuseofDarkness


Me? A sleeper agent planning on forcing you all to join the Horde? Absolutely not, *. Muttered about the glory of prime under breath *

T

Rainbow Dash never knew her mother or had any siblings to speak of. Not only that but her father was a rather secretive stallion. The same was true for three other big headed mares Lightening Dust, Trixie Lulamoon and Suri Polomare. When a motherly unicorn stumbles into all of their lives during times of hardship
they'll learn a surprise about their family they never would've guessed .. They're royal changelings!
Co written by just a random Pegasus

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 22 )

This story could be amazing if you edit it.

6250603
Hmm I suppose you're both right.. After legacymine left his comment I made sure to go back and edit any misspelled and or missing words is there any that I missed or is something else wrong? I'm not insulted that you mentioned errors I'd just like to know so I can fix them.

6250638 I'll be sure to give it a look over again.

6250638 Okay so you still have some errors but honestly... I can't type down everything. I'm not that good of an editor and if I copy and paste it'll just take longer. Sorry buddy.

The chapter title "a memory and a mission" should be "A Memory and a Mission". I say this because it really turns a lot of people off if you make errors in the titles or descriptions. I would give the whole story a once over, but I'm feeling sick today. I might do it anyway once I'm feeling better.

6250919
I fixed the title error is that a bit better?

6251069 I'm sorry I forgot to mention this but "colors" in "True colors" should also be capitalized.

So far I'm liking this story but there are so many errors that I'm having trouble reading it.

I want to like the story, but there is a virtual forest of errors all over the place. Are you typing this straight into the browser? Or, heaven forbid, notepad.

Firstly I'd like to thank everyone who has pointed out the errors in the story I greatly appreciate your help. I've made sure to stamp out any errors I've come across. That bing said please alert me if I've missed anything. Lastly I'd just like to notify everyone that since this is a collab fic the next chapte will be written by just a random pegasus. Who I'd like to thank for accepting my invitation to help with this story. Since the two if us work on every other chapter system you can expect to see me in the third chapter. Anyway thanks for reading and chow!

6263334
Yes I edit .. Bruh in fact I went over all the spelling mistakes in google docs not one but TWO times.

Okay, so I'm enjoying the story and all, but I do have a a few problems:

Grammar. This should be self-explanatory.

Insufficient detail. Many of the scenes in this story don't have enough detail to tie the other scenes together. This includes the scene where Suri and Love Song exited the theater and sat at a cafe. I didn't realize they had left the theater until out of nowhere you said: "Suri sighed and chuckled a bit as the sat down outside a cafe across the street from the theater". There was literally nothing leading up to this and it threw me off for a minute. Also, the scene where Chrysalis is watching the fashion show. It was apparently a long show as there were 20 different lines shown but you skipped through the entire thing so you could get to the part where she meets Suri faster. I would appreciate at least a "Chrysalis was bored for the rest of the performance" or something like that.

Pacing. Tying in with insufficient detail, many of the scenes seem to be very rushed including the two I already mentioned and the story itself also seems a little rushed. Other scenes seems fine but don't make up for how fast the rest slip by.

Once again I'm enjoying this story so far but please fix these mistakes.

6289802
I'll make sure to edit it as soon as possible. My vision is a bit blurry today so I'll try to edit it tomorrow.

Huge break with a single random paragraph at the beginning

hive .. Would

Ellipses are three dots (...)

In otter words she

"Other"

." Why?

Why the period and space before the word?

do?!?!"

One (?!) is enough

She sifted as she

Is that supposed to be sniffed?

sad , grim

Get rid of the extra space after sad

" my

Again. No space between quotation marks and words and capitalise the beginning of dialouge

." What

Seriously? How does that even LOOK good?

felt a flashback zap

Flashbacks do not zap through your own mind. Memories do.

Once the flashback ended she began

maybe instead "Once she was no longer lost in her memories" or something like that

them and fur being a changeling?

"for" being changlings

Our desperation and torture will end p!

Will what?

They hadn't thought of actual names for themselves.

really? Changelings and they didn't think of names after specifically taking time to get used to the new forms?

so we may know who you ate."

who you ARE

The guard smilies this

"Smiled" because smiles is the wrong tense too.

.." Nice

Okay. LAST time cause I'm done. It should looke like this

"Nice to meet you
NOT
.." Nice to meet you

Probably more but I'm too lazy too look again

I wonder how Queen Chrysalis will break the news to Suri. That's going to be hard, especially if Suri doesn't believe her and becomes stubborn. It's going to be worse once she finds out who she's related to. :twilightoops:

this is certainly an odd concept, but I like it. hey, since you aren't uploading to this mind if I take the story off your hands?

Login or register to comment