• Member Since 25th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2018

Jade Crossroads


There is no such thing as coincidence and reality is what you make of it. Nothing more, nothing less.

T

Discord has made a deal with Celestia, or rather the other way around, If Discord can refrain from falling for the sweet mare Fluttershy, then she will not stand in his way. He already has everything, and they can't stop him, but Luna has made no such promises... Despite this, he wonders... why not? That is until he does fall for her..... Can he still have everything? Will power's corruption cloud his judgement, or will he finally see what love is capable of? The alternative is no joking matter... if he wins this bet.... The royal pony sisters, the elements of harmony, they'll all break apart because of Discord. The only thing worse than that is the possibility that Discord will make up his own rules in this game he plays with all the citizens and rulers of Equestria as his puppets, will Fluttershy fall prey to this as well amidst Discord's growing affections for the kind if mislead mare?

Chapters (9)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 22 )
Comment posted by Jade Crossroads deleted Jul 26th, 2015

The writing style is awkward, and what's with the slashes? Out of place. You could really use an editor to polish this up. I do like the idea, though.

One could say it's a slash fiction.

Good work.

624725 I thought I removed all the slashes, sorry! And thank you all for the comments.

I saw this pop up on a feed and I added to read it later. Checking today I noticed more downvotes than upvotes. I therefore decided to read it and give any advice I could.

Its your first story, and you make the most basic of errors many do - simple editing. I'm not talking about grammar etc (which I'm useless at) but the more basics:
Random double spaces, wrong punctutation, capitalisations missed, unfinished sentences, not spacing our paragraphs (or indenting - need to do at least one)

You also have a few moments where the state/position of each character jumps and the reader can lose track of what's going on.

These minor items add up to make the reading too difficult to be enjoyable, which will harm the story overall - it doesn't matter how good the plot is (and I'm intridged where you will go with this) if nopony can properly read it.

I don't work with an editor, which shows in my own work, but you need to either proofread it a few times yourself (my tip, always proofread at least a day after finishing the chapter) or get one.

Finally finished chapter two! And I have chapter 3 finished, I just have to tweak it a little to make it fit after this one. It was originally going to be chapter 2, but things change and so do stories, although, not always for the better.
Thank you for your patience:raritywink:

Story is cute, but PLEASE consider an editor. Just to tighten up a few things here and there. Other than that, great job.

I have corrected all the errors, and done away with all of the slashes, although I don't know how to feel about how I start it off, however, my attempt to rewrite it turned into an idea for an individual story, So bear with me. :trollestia:

Wow, Discord vs. the animals :rainbowlaugh: This will be fun

Hmmm.... interesting. ^^ I'll have to read on to see where this goes. :raritywink:

7012677 I'm glad to hear it. What chapter have you gotten up to so far?:pinkiehappy:

If this is your first, I'm going to tell you if you get any better, you could go professional if you wanted. All you would have to do is come up with your own ideas.

7229636 That's actually been an aim of mine, though I'm surprised to hear this comment for this story. Thanks all the same!

I hate it when Luna is abused. Screw you Discord

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!