Chapter 4
A/N:
Fun fact: Tartarus was a prison for the damned souls in Greek mythology. It held some of the worst villains of the time including Kronos.
Chapter 4
Several angry monsters were caught in the mousetrap.
“Huh,” muttered Guinness. “I can’t believe that worked.” Unfortunately, he was still stuck as bait, and more demonic creatures were beginning to swarm around.
“I always hoped I’d die pleasantly, like choking on a bacon double cheeseburger,” the pegasus sighed. A sudden flutter of wings made him look up. Rainbow Dash landed beside him.
“Hey Dashie!” Guinness cried in relief. “Could you-”
“Already on it!” The mare replied as she edged her way past the struggling monsters.
“Oh thank God!” sighed the trapped pony.
“Thank who?” Dash asked as she reached Guinness.
“Never mind,” Guinness chuckled as Rainbow Dash untied the ropes holding him to the trap. “I’ll convert you later. Right now I have two ponies to kill.”
▲
▲ ▲
“I still don’t know why we are building these robots for the benefit of a pony princess,” muttered Nova.
“She asked us to, and we decided that it would be to our benefit,” replied Valiant.
The unicorn looked up from his work. “What were her exact words?”
A faraway look came to Valiant’s eyes. “Just a minute, let me have a flashback.”
Celestia walked into the library. There was clearly something on her mind. Nova looked up from where he sat doing mad scientist things. On the couch, Valiant continued to sleep.
“We have a serious problem,” said the Princess. Valiant yawned and rolled over. Celestia yanked him off the couch with magic and held him over the floor.
“Not my tail again!” shrieked the earth pony.
“Shush,” the Princess hissed. “I am talking.”
“No pony commands me!” Valiant challenged, shaking his hoof defiantly.
The Princess shut his mouth with magic, and got down to business. “I have a task for the three of you. Well, I only see two at the moment, but that’s no matter. Since you caused the breakout from Tartarus, it’s up to you to fix the problem.”
“Sounds difficult,” noted Nova.
Celestia nodded. “If you don’t do this, all the citizens of Equestria could be killed.”
“What’s in it for me?” asked the yellow unicorn.
“What do you want?” Celestia asked.
“I want my batteries charged,” said Nova, indicating the device strapped to his foreleg. “I also want an easy way back to my own dimension.”
Valiant started to say something, but his words were muffled by the magic gag. It could have been I want your ass on a pike or perhaps I’ll punt a pass to Spike or even You don’t need gas on a bike.
Celestia wasn’t sure what he was trying to communicate, and didn’t care anyway. To Nova, she said, “I’ll give you what you want after you stop the monsters. They’ll probably overrun Ponyville by tomorrow if you don’t hurry.”
“Seems challenging,” commented the unicorn. It was the understatement of the year. Still, he would have to do it if he was going to get a shot at getting what he wanted.
“I want a hot fudge sundae,” said Twilight, giggling.
“Don’t we all.” Celestia smiled gently at the gibbering idiot her student had become. The Princess decided that leaving her in the care of two other-dimensionly stallions was slightly better than letting the unicorn fend for herself, so the royal pony took her leave.
“-and that’s how I saved Labor Day!” shouted Valiant. In a quieter voice, he said, “Sorry, I was getting used to being muzzled. The spell must have worn off after she left.”
“Any idea how we’re supposed to save Equestria?” Nova asked him.
“My normal approach will probably work pretty well,” replied the earth pony. “Robots.”
“How do you propose we build combat-worthy robots by tomorrow?” demanded the yellow pony.
The other stallion scratched his head, but then his face lit up with a smile. “Somebody go get Vinyl Scratch. We need her to play the most epic montage music history has ever seen.”
Valiant returned from his flashback. “And that’s how we ended up neck-deep in an all-night robot building session.”
“I don’t remember it that way,” Nova stated flatly.
We don’t have time for you to have a flashback too, so just take my word for it.” Valiant rolled his eyes and went back to looking at the blueprints.
There was a knock at the door, and Valiant grumbled angrily. “Who could that be? Don’t they see the do not disturb, doing science stuff sign on the door?”
“I’ll get it,” Nova said.
“No,” Valiant raised his hoof and stopped the unicorn. “I want to personally give whoever it is a piece of my mind.”
Valiant ambled over to the door and flung it open. Before he could say anything, two blue blurs swooped through the entrance. One slammed into him, knocking the orange stallion onto his back and pinning him to the floor. The other did the same to Nova.
“Yay,” Twilight giggled. “Bird ponies!”
“I am going to kill both of you!” Guinness screamed as he pinned Nova to the ground.
Valiant couldn’t see very much of his own assailant, but from the blue coat and multi-colored tail he knew it was Rainbow Dash.
“Oh look, it’s the stud and the broodmare!” Valiant laughed.
“Shut up Valiant,” Dash hissed.
Pinned beneath Guinness, Nova’s horn began to glow. The pegasus slapped him angrily. “Don’t try anything.”
“You can’t touch us,” Valiant informed him. “We’re on a mission from God.”
Nova rolled his eyes, but Guinness suddenly looked unsure of himself, and also unsure why Valiant was referencing The Blues Brothers. The pegasus stallion asked, “What are you talking about?”
“Well, maybe not your God, but hers.” The orange pony indicated Rainbow. “Princess Celestia.”
“What kind of mission could she have possibly given you?” demanded the mare.
“Just saving Equestria.” Valiant shrugged. “Something that was supposed to be your job.”
“My job?” Dash asked, confused.
“The job of the magical Elements of Harmony,” Valiant replied flatly. “I knew you were a dimwit, but sheesh.”
Rainbow buried him under a fury of flying hooves. Nova used the distraction to throw Guinness off him. The four ponies began a brawl inside the library that knocked books off shelves and threatened to break the windows. Torn paper filled the air.
Twilight sat nearby, munching popcorn and watching.
▲
▲ ▲
“So I get my own robot?” asked Guinness. Several of his feathers were missing.
“That’s right,” explained Valiant. He was only slightly bruised, because despite her tomboyish attitude, Rainbow hit like a girl.
“If we must,” agreed Nova.
“But you only get the bitch jobs,” Valiant amended. “We actually went to the trouble of doing the work building them.”
“I was tied to a giant mousetrap!” shouted Guinness.
“Regardless,” said Nova, “We will be handling the attack.”
“It’ll be a nice feel-good crusade,” agreed Valiant.
“The Crusades were not a good thing.” The blue pegasus shook his head. “Though the knowledge and art they brought with them back from East helped bring Europe out of the Dark Ages.”
“I think we can agree that killing people merely because they’re different is bad,” said Nova.
Valiant and Guinness looked surprised that the unicorn would show such morality, but shrugged and continued the conversation. The earth pony said, “So, invading Hell and killing demons is probably okay.”
“Hell isn’t real,” commented the unicorn.
“Shun the nonbeliever!” chorused the other two ponies.
▲
▲ ▲
It was quite a distance out to Tartarus. The robots didn’t have air-conditioning and the summer heat wore on the three ponies as they worked their way through the Everfree Forest. The thick underbrush and low hanging tree branches tripped up the machines. The most technologically inept pony, Guinness, soon got his robot stuck in a large bush. Like true friends, the other two left him behind as he struggled to get it free. Eventually he succeeded and rushed to catch up.
The pegasus found the other two other ex-humans in a clearing, staring in disbelief.
“I was not expecting Hell to look like that,” Valiant chuckled. “A massive gateway to fire and darkness but not... this.”
Guinness tilted his head in confusion as he stared at the small hotel built into the side of the cliff. The sign above the door read Tartarus.
“Lets get this over with,” groaned Guinness. “I have a date tonight.”
Valiant made a gagging sound as they proceed towards the door. Despite the small size of the building, their robots easily fit through the entrance. The inside of the hotel was even more confusing.
“Hellooo!” greeted a flamboyant-sounding pony with fire for hair who sat at the front desk. “Welcome to Tartarus! Will you be staying for eternity or just a one-thousand year sentence? Hmm?”
“Uh,” Valiant scrambled for something fitting to say. “What do you charge?”
“Just your soul,” said the proprietor of the hotel, his mane and tail burning cheerfully. “Although I might make a discount for you, cutie.”
“On fire and flaming,” muttered Guinness.
“Souls don’t exist,” declared Nova. “They’re just a flimsy explanation to give people false hope for eternal life.”
“Oh, you are so silly!” The burning pony laughed. He leaned forward and placed his hoof on Nova’s chest then pulled a ghostly apparition out of him. “Say hello to your soul!”
Nova stared open mouthed at the transparent image of himself.
“Well gentlemen, I think that beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can agree that shit has gotten uncomfortably real.” Valiant nodded. “Let’s respond violently and see how that works.”
“To victory!” Guinness cheered.
Nova snatched his soul back and the other two ponies lunged at the hellish teller. They flipped his desk over as the demonic pony escaped through a door. The walls suddenly fell away revealing the grim visage of a fiery and dark abyss.
“Holy shit, is this some kind of emergency failsafe from Hell?” asked Valiant.
“Of Hell,” corrected Guinness. “And anyway, why would Hell need a failsafe?”
“To keep the undesirables contained,” answered Nova, finally pulling out of his stunned silence.
“Or to keep ponies like us out, maybe?” Valiant shot back.
“Well,” Guinness shrugged. “Time to play some AC-DC in my head.”
“I hate that band,” Nova muttered.
The three stallions trooped forward, entering the blazing maw.
“I’m thinking a frontal assault,” said Valiant. “Kick ass, take names, be awesome.”
“Oh yes,” Guinness replied sarcastically. “If you want to join the dead forever.”
“Have you got a better idea?” demanded the orange pony.
Guinness pointed towards a side tunnel that split from the main passageway and grinned. Valiant rolled his eyes and motioned for the pegasus to explain.
The blue pony cleared his throat. “There are always stories in Greek and Roman mythology that the traps are built into the edges of the main halls in places like this. If we go through the side passages, we will bypass said traps and take whoever and whatever is waiting for us by surprise.”
“Where did you come up with that idea?” questioned Nova.
“I’m a reader of history,” explained Guinness. “I know about tactics that have been used successfully in the past.”
Valiant sighed. “I built the hardware, Nova did the software, and you’re freaking Indiana Jones.”
“That last movie was terrible,” Guinness stated absentmindedly. “Speaking of that, I’m actually from Indiana, though my family is from from Ireland.”
“Oh, you’re a Hoosier?” chuckled Valiant.
“Where are you from?” asked Guinness, hotly.
“Wisconsin, specifically Milwaukee,” shrugged the orange pony.
“Cheesehead,” laughed Guinness.
“I was born in France,” commented Nova.
The other two stallions looked at each other and cracked up laughing. Annoyed, Nova asked, “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing yet,” giggled Valiant. “But you just set yourself up for a whole load of jokes, surrender monkey.”
“What does that have to do with a colony on Titan?” demanded Nova.
“Wait, what?” said Guinness.
“Yes, France is the name of the settlement on one of Saturn’s moons,” explained the scientist.
“But there are no human colonies in space,” Guinness said, confused.
The unicorn gave him a look. “I thought I’d already made it clear that I’m from the future.”
“Nope,” Guinness shook his head. “You never told me that.”
“That’s because you spend so much time living in the past,” Valiant told the pegasus.
“Can we please get this whole trek through Hell over with?” Nova interjected before an argument could break out.
“Agreed,” the other two ponies replied, but they continued to glare at each other.
The three of them stepped forwards and started to walk down the passageway when the floor suddenly gave out. They fell for several seconds before coming to an abrupt halt in a dark chamber.
“I thought you said there wouldn’t be any traps!” Valiant screamed as he checked to make sure his robot wasn’t damaged.
“I said there was a lower chance of there being any!” The pegasus shot back.
Nova poked a button on the device strapped to his leg. A recording of Guinness’s voice played back. If we go through the side passages, we will bypass said traps...
Before Guinness could make an excuse, a sinister voice cut through the stagnant air. “Welcome to my home, ponies of the living world.”
“Oh my God, is that Satan?” asked Valiant, somewhat blasphemously. The three stallions looked in horror at the creature before them.
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... did they slip Twilight LSD or something?
668876
Lol, you guys are soft. I got 638 in my "Read Later" list. There's also a good chance I'm insane.
731391
How many in your fav's list though?
731395
I have somewhere around 100 stories in my favorites list, but only 2 unread updates. I do a good job of reading updates, but a horrible job of managing my "Read Later" list.
"Oh my God, is that Satan?"
BEST LINE EVER.
Well, Twilight seems to be coping well...
Holy Diver - Dio
731570
Lol, now if only I could see what the third one looks like, it seems to have the wrong url.
They should've just fought fire with fire... literally. Flamethrowers are the way to go.
731391
Pffff, that's nothing. I have no stories in my 'read later' list, because I've already read them all.
As in, all of them. You don't get to 10 million words by having things left to read, y'know.
Oh look. It is on the feature box. Gratulations hope this gets it lots a reads.
AND THE MADNESS SHALL ENSUE.
Wait, Valiant is from Wisconsin...specifically Milwaukee?! Huh, well how about that. I'm only a couple of hours away from Valiant's place of residence.
Interesting. Save for later.
731824
Valiant's home is only canon because of a bit in More Dreams when Twilight comes for a visit.
731830
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133868337567.png
731980
Priorities, I guess you have them in a different order
MORE! NAOW!! this is a really good read. i like it very much.
731659
I have about 17 million wordcount. There are 384 stories in my Read Later list. MYTH BUSTED!
Also, this story has been very entertaining thus far.
732221
*Points at amount of time Ozymandias has been on FIMFiction*
*Points at amount of time I've been on FIMFiction*
I don't have any 'read later' things, because I have no need to read things later when I can just read things now. If more than one thing catches my attention in a short space of time... more reading for me!
732371
A quick calculation puts your words per week at about 800k and mine at about 700k. It's not that much of a difference. Not enough to be relevant, anyway. SCIENCE!
731334 She went INSANE!!! (
+
)
Awesome story. But I want to know what the robots look like. Are they like giant metal ponies, or humanoid? I keep picturing the 'Lil Stomper robot from the Jetpack Joyride app.
Keep up the swag.
733586 i think they look like a robot that TNaB has as cover art for a story called " more dreams"
Wait, so Guinness lives in the past, Valiant is in the present, and Nova is from the future. Is that right?
Also, crossovers between fanfictions are always good. There's the Omnius/KillJoy/Lance things where every character has appeared in every other universe, there's the Rust/Blackwing/Tons of other awesome people universe, now this.
I need to read the stories of Nova and Guinness now, I suppose.
734443
They haven't been written and I'm not sure if I have the prowess to write about Nova by myself. Anyways, you'll find that references rampant in the next chapter, and maybe a bit of blasphemy against a show (not telling which one). As one of three authors of this story I have the power invested in me to create a crossover in a crossover.
And to everyone else, wow...
I didn't expect such a response on the upload of a new chapter, especially on the feature. and as of yesterday the favorites of this story increased by more than 50 which is astonishing considering what this is.
~Mines5
734539
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
It's a lot of work, answering all those notifications.
734625
bah, for now its nothing, I only have to open it every 10 minutes or so
On a more random note, I cannot seem to use the ° thing on google drive, it keeps going to new tab every time
HAHAHA Valiant
Fun fact: Kronos is Kratos's grandfather, or something like that
732388
AWWWWWWWW SHIT. He used math against you! obvious winner.
731457 I spelt it wrong on accident... pissed me off you have.
748103
I never thought about it that way. Whenever I read dialogue my mind reads it as if the borg are there, anyways, glad to know people like my OC, the other 2 characters are Altoid (Guiness) and TotallyNotaBrony (Valiant) design.
On a sadder note, TNaB will not be online to help us for an undetermined stretch of time. I wish him the best of luck though.
748380 ha you got comment #100 and also does that mean the next part will be delayed?
754417
It honestly depends, Altoid and TNaB are better writers than me and I've been dragged out camping again. It'll get there when it gets there.
755114 754885 thanks lol
757188
Your welcome, I'll see if I can pop in every so often to help out considering I'm not exactly at home at the moment.
Sidenote: it seems the rear cover for my phone is damaged enough for it not fit on properly
757270 thanks this story is addicting i check everyday for updates and i supose its worth the wait lol
and also i dont have a phone never really used one considering that all my friends live nearby and that i can use facebook as an alliterative
Shun the nonbeliever!
Shuuuuuuuuun!
Lol!
Loved that part!
At least someone else is a Hoosier.
Go Guinness!!
784578 Guinness is my fav because i like history as well and also his name lol because im Irish and Guinness is made here
no love for the scientist I guess
And people wonder why the maddest of them are recluses
Celestia help Twilight. She's gone insane.
787891 Everyone loves Irish people and ponies and liquor. That makes it awesome.
731391 I am insane!
788446 I love scientists! Mostly because I am one! P.S.- It is sooooooo fun being insane!