• Member Since 25th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 5th, 2016


I am a relatively inexperienced writer and first-time Pony fic author looking to just explore the characterization and headcanon that won't leave me alone at night.

Comments ( 24 )

Ok, gotta say, interesting setup, good flow, and pretty decent characterization. I take it that Twilight has already moved to ponyville, and that these events in the story are happening around the same time as the events of the canterlot wedding in the original timeline/universe. It could be a little clearer on that regard, but other than that, so far, so good.

Ok, still good. I feel this isn't really a "clopfic" per se, but more of an interesting and thought provoking psychological and moral analysis on morality and taboos. Intriguing.


Thank you for your feedback. I welcome it, and I hope you enjoy your read. This is my first effort at making and posting a pony fic. It does feature heavily in an alternate continuity where only some things are the same - and what they are will be discovered as the series progresses. I hope to make that more clear in the future.

In regards to this being "clopfic," I think that my intention is to provide something more engaging, but I am an adult. I want to explore adult things. I want to see difficult things tackled through the lens of pastel pony, so I also hope that this is what it accomplishes.

Ok, I just finished it. It's midnight, and I'm pretty tired. But damn this was worth it. A couple errors in the last chapter, nothing too glaring, though. I very well expect a sequel. Preferably with a bit more...sauce, per se. If you know what I mean:trixieshiftleft:

6246055 well sir, or madam as the case may be, I'd say you thoroughly accomplished what you set out to do. It's very well written, with only two or three mistakes in the last chapter, and flows very well. And for your first foray into writing and sharing ponyfic, I'd say that this was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.


I am still in the process of nitpicking myself to death after I posted this because say what you will about crippling self-doubt, it will make you read and re-read things, but if you have feedback regarding mistakes, plot elements, or other details, please let me know! I will graciously accept criticism beyond glowing praise, and if you mean spelling mistakes, I will sob uncontrollably. And then fix them.

6246085 I literally only saw two errors, in the entire thing. And both were in the last chapter. I think one was you didn't use a plural of something. And the other, I can't even remember, they were extremely minor errors. You could pop over to one of the many editorial groups and get someone a bit more skilled at such things as evaluating works. I didn't feel any plot holes or pacing issues. I do wish the chapters were longer, but that's mostly because I consume literature at an incredible pace. This is really good for your first time, honestly. I've seen worse from much more experienced writers, you should be proud.

Hoping for a ton more! Thank you!

The crystal pavement and elaborate cobbling stretched and groaned over the soft earth beneath until it exploded outward. From the newly-blasted hole came a sound unlike any other. The sound of thousands upon thousands of wings rose up the tunnels, and like a black cloud, changelings swarmed free of it into the skies above.



I'm actually working on Kingdom of Loving part 2 now, in which Twilight really seriously fails to write that letter.

...the life fad from the... Should be fade

...under it before it powdered... First "it" should probably be "her" and the second should be "she" so it would read "Sunset was able to duck under her before she powdered the column into so much dust."

"...hurried around behind another pillar." Delete the around, it feels clunky.
Now that it's not midnight and I've had a rest, and you have apparently rewrote these last two chapters, I caught a few more little things. It's still pretty good, though:pinkiehappy:


I rewrote chapters from "A Royal Invitation" through the end, mostly, because I felt like some of the characterization and themes were just plain wrong. Unfortunately for the sake of clarity and editing, doing so on 4 hours of sleep and in a hurry leaves little room for self-editing. Also, my primary pre-reader was asleep. :B

Thanks for your feedback and continued interest in the story! I hope to put out more in the form of a sequel which I am also working on.

6252197 its cool, ill sweep the next few chapters for any others:pinkiehappy:

very faintly glowing

put glowing in front there.

Her eyes were closed, but she facing something solemnly as if in quiet vigil.

The rocks in front of her were large, heavy.

that first sentence i think should read " Her eyes weren't closed, but she was facing something..." as for the second line, remove the comma and put an "and" there. dont need a comma for only two adjectives

crowd bandaged ponies

need an "of" in there.

Twilight once again felt underdressed

why would she feel underdressed if literally everyone else is also not wearing any clothes? someone would feel underdressed if they were to show up in torn jeans and an old t-shirt at a fancy dinner party or at some other similarly ritzy event.
final one,

about to right

that should be write:twilightsmile:

good luck with the sequel!:pinkiehappy:


Seriously, I swear some of these are autocorrected or something but Gdocs and Chrome are all set to not do that. C_C

Also, the intention there is to imply Twilight is underdressed in scars, because everyone protected her and her insecurity about whether she's valid.

6252352 Ah, I see. That makes a bit more sense then. Thanks for the clarification

Interesting, I've got to say I'm half expecting the story to get darker from here but I don't know what to expect. I'd say this a good opening chapter

Why do U have the feeling that the song for this fight would be 'Stronger than You'?

good story, I like it a lot, I half expect for twilight to go nightmare near the end to help sunset out, claim that the princess has become more relax about few things.....

this was a rather enjoyable story. their was some grammar issues but that can be easily fixed through Imagination on the readers part. if could rate this story I'll give it an 8 out of 10. I might at that I didn't expect to find the crystal ponies to become naked.

Great Story. hope you have a sequel soon.

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