Irish Nationalist, Pagan, Pegasister, Twilight Sparkle fan, Shining/Cadence Shipper, All Ponies are Best Pony
King Dainn had the perfect plan. Attack Equestria and claim it as the new Caribou homeland. However, his forces are defeated and he is captured by the Sun Princess. Instead of executing him she gives him a place to stay. Dainn begins to experience odd feelings for the beautiful princess. Feelings his language has no words for, but Ponies call love. Alternate take on Fall of Equestria.
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The caribou bastard king doesnt derserve love or a second chance he derserves to have his head put on a pike outside the castle
You're obviously going for an emotional approach here, which is very fitting for the theme of redemption. I'd suggest giving your scene more time to develop. The whole failed invasion, waking up in the dungeons, being moved to better quarters, that all happens in 2000 words. That's a little fast, slown down a bit.
Have characters do more than just talk or do the bare minimun of movements. Help us see them as being alive. Give your story time to breathe. The impact will be much deeper if we, the readers, had a chance to see the connections between your characters properly develop!
Why do I far this will all end as a pony version of "The Frog and the scorpion" with lots of cynical posturing pandering to the ultra-tragically-hip "villains should always win because my life is too nice" Cult of Insincerity crowd?
Surely Celestia has one or two (perhaps ill-used) Royal Assasins about. Any irredeemable monster like The Dead One deserves it.
Well, I actually want to do something like a redemption story for Dainn in my own Post-Fall story. But then again, that's still far in the future. I already hear a few people here scream again that he doesn't deserve it. They are probably right, but the thing is, I simply don't like killing. It's always an admission of failure.
A few differences to FoE canon to point out:
(1) The caribou do have a concept of friendship. Only among members of the same gender, obviously. But Gunne apparently considers Big Mac a friend.
(2) Caribou culture doesn't know the death penalty. The thing that comes closest is blanking.
(3) Obviously, the entire mind control thing is missing here. In FoE, the caribou didn't conquer Equestria the classical way, they mind-controlled the stallions into adopting their world view. But then again, the caribou in canon would also lose big time in any real military conflict. Almost all of their weapon technology isn't suited for actual combat. Weapons like the shock batons are weapons of terror, to be used against defenseless mares, not weapons of war. Their warbeasts can apparently breathe fire, but they seem far too plump and clumsy for military use. The only thing that might have actual military use are the runed anti-magic breastplates. But then again, Equestria also isn't exactly big when it comes to military technology.
For some reason when I tried to vote this story up I could not.
6243501
Did your vote not show up?
it seems decent so far.
I feel like the start of the chapter could use a little more showing - maybe instead of narration, you could actually have a few scenes of this 'King Dain' character and his life back home. I am quite curious as to how they are so misogynist and yet King Dain showed a little sentiment? towards memories of his mother. Something I'd definitely encourage is actual explanation of their beliefs and whatnot - doesn't have to be too long, but I wish it was a little more than simply 'this is what it is' - perhaps some ritual or cultural ceremony that demonstrated their attitudes beliefs and values, particularly around females as this seems central to the story.
As I kept reading however, I found myself quite taken in - there are some genuinely interesting ideas that show in the later half of the chapter. Your characterisation of Celestia is something I found especially refreshing and well done. The banter between the two at the end there felt especially 'spicy' and interesting.
So keep it up! :D
NB: I haven't read any story from this 'FoE' thing, whatever it is. I checked it out and the idea didn't appeal to me, however this story did. If you are writing for a different universe, it is always good to make it so that no prior knowledge is required to understand what is happening - hence why I was so confused as to his misogynistic nature at the beginning.
Idk - just suggestions.
6243791 I intend to do more in-depth exploration of Caribou culture.
6243181 No one's beyond redemption.
6243279 I'll admit I haven't read through all of FoE. Also, I decided to put a rudimentary idea of friendship in Caribou culture since it doesn't make sense that they don't have it at all.
6243536 Yes, it didn't show up.
6243991
That's the spirit! :)
I'll give it a try. I can't offer more, but I do admit it is an interesting take you have here, despite being too emotional. But hey, good luck and I look forward to see where this goes. Word of advice? Take it slow and delve on the scenes more, other than that, great job so far.
6244022
That's the site's new rating system in place. Stories will not have votes displayed until a significant number have been put in since a few trolling downvoters could sink even decent stories by being the first to vote before.
I don't know what to feel about this fic. There is no amount of Stone Cold Steve Austin 'What?" I can repeat on how confused I feel on this fic.
I'm following this.
Ed Plus, is that you?
Nice work on this chapter, PS, kudos on using the name Haakon.
No one is beyond kindness!
this.....is actually quite interesting. please, do continue.
Please continue this.
*Person in 2015* This story is GREAT! I hope it continues!
*Person in 2019*
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/477/329/0ed.jpg
In https://www.fimfiction.net/story/379516/fall-of-equestria-meet-thy-maker, if Dainn just saw realities where he gets killed, he would wish for this reality. "Just one reality where I survive, that is all I wish" the only reality where he survives.
I would like to see more