Chapter 12: You Ain't Nothing But a Alpha Dog
Find out what is stalking you. If it's just an animal, let it go. If its the Guard again, either give a beating as you desire or get out of town... or out of the woods, as the case may be.
Love the Changeling comment
As your specialist instincts warn you about those nearby bushes, you think,
Huh. Could just be an animal, but going by movie logic; assuming something is "just the wind" and turning around will result in me being blindsided while going in for a closer look will mean I get dragged in and mugged for my outfit. If only I could get a good look without getting closer...
"RItz, are you going to help me or not?" Trixie calls in annoyance from the mud pit, interrupting your thoughts.
"Shhhh." you shush as you lift your hoof up to scratch your head in thought when you bump into the Multi-Vision Goggles,
"Oh right, goggles." you remember as you lower the goggles and settle them onto your face before turning them on only to be hit with blinding over-saturated light,
"Gah!" you say as you push the goggles back up as your eyes readjust.
"What is it?" Trixie asks in concern as she gets out of the mud and moves closer behind you.
"Nothing, nothing." you lie as you take a second or two of thinking through the problem before realizing what the problem is;
D'oh! Night-vision doesn't work during the DAY.
With that in mind, you put the goggles back on and set them to "Thermal mode". While the heat from the sun makes everything brighter, you don't see any lifeforms in or around the bushes, but you do see fresh... paw prints(?), multiple sets of them in fact leading away from the bush-
"RITZ!"
Hearing Trixie's cry, you whirl around and see...
BrownDog77 comment
Blobs of red and orange surrounding you and Trixie!
"What the-" you state in surprise as you retract and push up the goggles to reveal that the "orange blobs" are actually Diamond Dogs.
"Diamond dogs..." you growl as you eye the surrounding mutts warily, lowering the brim of your hat over one eye. You know these scruffy canines well.
Changelings have had extended relations with Diamond Dogs in the past (1) however, hardly any of this is relevant now. You focus on the important parts. These guys are strong, excellent burrowers, always in packs, and dumb as rocks. Behind you, Trixie is so frozen at the sight of these mongrels that she doesn't even move to pick up her spilled gems.
You motion out with your hoof, signalling her to stay down as you think,
Gotta figure out a way that they can't smell me, something to overload their noses or... That's it!
You quickly whip the Gold Cigarette Case and Gold Lighter, stuff four cigarettes into your mouth, light em up, and start puffing them like mad.
"What are you doing?" Trixie asks you nervously, "Those things will kill you!"
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." you tell her through your cigarette-muffled mouth as you blow smoke on yourself and Trixie (causing the latter to go into a coughing fit).
Luckily your plan works, as one of the Diamond Dogs pipe up,
"Woof! This guy smells like someone split a tar pit on cherries and cream. You should stop smoking, bad for your breathing."
"Hey, you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease.' The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it." you counter as you blow the smoke at the dogs, sending them into a coughing and hacking fit due to their sensitive sense of smell.
"My nose! *cough*"
"My lungs! *hack*"
Understanding what your plan is, Trixie gives you an "I get it" wink and says, "Yes, if my Captain wishes to smoke, let him smoke."
"14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes" remaining
As the dogs are distracted with the smell of tobacco overloading their heightened sense of smell you...
SnapDrakeGames comment
Take out a Thundercloud Orb and whisper "Aquila Talon," turning your bracelet into a bracer as you crack your neck in preparation for the upcoming fight. These mutts are about to learn that they messed with the wrong specialist-
"Wait! Wait wait wait wait!" A dog in a blue jacket and red waist-sash pushes his way through the coughing pack, stumbling onto the scene. "Wait just a minute," he pants, taking a few deep breaths before looking up at you. "Please put that thing away. We aren't here to fight you."
"Huh?" you ask. "I mean, there's a covered wagon back there which means it could be a merchant and you've surrounded us while we've stopped- not to mention that your kind are known for robbing unguarded caravans. That's practically first-week-of-bandit-school behavior."
"Known for- bah! Those fools," the dog scoffs, looking off. "Even after we've exiled them, those curs still give us a bad name. They really are useless, aren't they? Never mind," he says, turning back towards you. "We aren't like those savage strays. We hail from the Diamond Dog kingdom of Dimondia."
Dimondia? I thought that wreck of a kingdom fell apart three hundred years ago. you think to yourself. To the dog, you raise your voice and ask, "Well, what do you want?" as you cautiously keep your bracer and orb at the ready.
"Nothing much," the dog replies. "It's just that, well, we were passing through when we noticed that you," he points a paw in Trixie's direction, "look to be a Diviner! You can locate Diamonds!"
"I can?" Trixie asks. She glances from the dogs to the gems scattered in the mud behind her, "I mean, of course I can! Yes, you rubes- er, fair citizens, I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, and my powers are infinite! I am a great finder of gems!"
"Ooh!" the dogs all chant, their eyes lighting up.
"Uh oh." you mutter to yourself as you put the orb away and change the bracer back into a bracelet. A genre-savvy bug like you has seen this all before and Trixie is heading straight into classic "Liar Revealed" territory. One of your least favorite cliches (2).
"She's got great power!" one of the dogs mutters.
"We should make her our queen!" Another cries. This gets the group really excited- so much that they enter into a chant.
"Queen! Queen! Queen! Queen!"
"Oh Great and Powerful Trixie!" the blue-jacketed dog pipes up. "I think my fellow Diamond Dogs have spoken. My name is Jim, and I think we'd all be honored if you consented to be our queen."
Trixie gives a smile wider than her face... somehow. "You know what, I think I'd be deli-"
"Hold it!" you cry, interrupting the showmare as you step between her and the dogs, and whisper to Trixie, "Could I speak to you for a moment? Privately?"
Dragging Trixie to behind the wagon and out of sight of the Dogs, you hiss at the unicorn,
"What are you doing? You can't find gems any better than a high school graduate can find a reasonably priced college! You can't honestly be planning on faking your way into a position you can't uphold!"
"Mr. Dewitt, while I appreciate the concern it really is unnecessary," Trixie replies. "How hard could it be to learn a simple gem-finding spell? And if, by some stretch of the imagination, I can't do it, there are alternative methods of gem finding."
"Still doesn't mean it's a good idea," you argue. "I've seen this all before. Dramatic tension builds up, even if it makes no sense whatsoever- then, in a big scene, the lie is dramatically revealed and it all goes to Tartarus."
"Oh calm down," Trixie scoffs. "Wouldn't you like to spend some time living in luxury? A warm bed in a castle, instead of a cold cot in a cart? A feast fit for royalty? A crowd of adoring subjects?"
You give her a deadpan look.
"I'll make you captain of the guard again."
"Fine." you say as you give her a resigned (yet supportive) look.
"My new citizens!" Trixie cries as she walks out from behind the wagon to greet the Diamond Dogs. "Your new queen has arrived! Please, lead me to my kingdom." The Dogs cheer with joy as you sarcastically mutter,
"A showpony bluffing her way to Queen-ship of a completely separate species; This can ONLY end well..."
ONE TREK LATER
SnapDrakeGames comment
The Kingdom is Dimondia... meh. It's not too bad. A little run down, but a nice coat of paint should fix that up. It could do with a little expanding, and some of the mutts don't look too well fed. The castle is nowhere near as big as Canterlot, but as Trixie put it, it sure beats her wagon. And the guard that you're captain of is made of some pretty burly mutts. A bit of training, and these guys could be a force to be reckoned with. You and Trixie also find out that Jim is the Chancellor of Dimondia and the current "placeholder" (as he puts it) leader of the Kingdom.
After some orders being given, some Diamond Dogs scrambling around, and more than a few messes being cleaned up, Dimondia's population is gathered to witness and celebrate Trixie being crowned "Her Highness, Lady of the First Order, Queen Trixianna to First" and appointing you "Captain DeWitt" (Yes! I'm an officer again!) in a grand (or at least grand by Diamond Dogs standards) ceremony. A diamond-embroidered golden ring-crown is placed atop her head as her new subjects cheer with delight. No doubt, they hope that Trixie will bring about prosperity to their kingdom with her abilities... speaking of which, she's gonna have a lot of studying to do if she wants to learn a gem-finding spell.
We now find you at the post-coronation party where the Diamond Dogs are celebrating the beginning of the reign of their new Queen. You approach Trixie who is sitting on a large chair (most likely her throne) and jokingly ask,
"I guess it's 'Your majesty' again, eh?"
"I certainly hope so," Trixie replies, smiling as she adjusts her crown. "Though without that old Alicorn Amulet's influence, I'm sure I'll do a better job than last time."
"Good," you say, "Because I was talking to some of the citizens and this kingdom really is something of a fixer-upper. There are a bunch of roads and residential buildings that need to be redone, and funding for those has to be raised. The citizens could use more food which would mean more funding. The guards are tough, but security is terrible. Pretty much any other kingdom could wipe us out if they so desired. I'll have to completely reorganize the training regimen, hire more soldiers... which will take funding. There's a cockatrice sighted near the north forest, so someling's gonna have to go deal with that... probably at the cost of more funding."
"Err- Mr. Dewitt, would you be a dear and handle those things for me?" Trixie asks, taking another bite out of a flower.
"Not without funding," you say. "And you're the only one who can approve it. Hay, I don't even think there's enough in the budget to cover all this. That gemfinding spell is gonna be really import-"
"Yes yes, of course," Trixie says, waving your remarks off. "But for now, Captain Dewitt, why not just enjoy the party?"
"...Yes your majesty." you groan and walk off.
Erised the ink-moth comment
While the coronation party is great and all and the dogs especially seem to be having a very good time, you realize that there's going to be a lot of work that'll need to be done if this whole "queen" charade is going to work. Luckily, Trixie has an elite (okay, above-average but still!) hive operative watching her back from the shadows. So while you enjoy the festivities like Trixie ordered, you also decide to find out what's what in Dimondia. Multi-tasking, yeah!
You immediately start looking for Jim and, thanks to his formal blue jacket, you quickly manage to spot him over by one of the tables of food and drinks that were set up for the party.
"So, Chancellor Jim..." you say as you sidle up to him.
He turns with a roast chicken in his paws and smiles as he recognizes you. "Hello Captain DeWitt. This is a glorious day, is it not? Dimondia has a new ruler! I hope she lasts longer than the last twelve."
"Yeah I- Wait, Last Twelve?" you say doing a double-take, "Just how many rulers have they gone through, and why so many? Were they assassinated?"
You quickly whirl around and ready to activate your hookblade bracer when Jim says,
"Calm down Captain, there were never any assassinations. But yes, it's unfortunate. Dimondia has not had a committed leader for a very long time, each time a new King, Queen, or even a Jack comes to us, they soon realize how hard it is to keep a small kingdom like ours afloat. Most get frustrated and leave. Others write apology notes and leave in the middle of the night." Jim explains, assuaging your fears slightly. "Diamond dogs don't lead well. In fact, Diamond dogs prefer to be lead. Thankfully, we have a new trick so that no leader will ever abandon us ever again!" he says and wags his tail as he happily takes a bite out of the roast chicken.
"Oh, and what's that?" you ask, thinking that one: that could be a clever ace that you could exploit. And two: It might be good to know about in case you need to save Trixie and make a hasty getaway with her.
Jim leans in and whispers to you, "Crown is enchanted. It works as a collar and a leash so that King or Queen can't leave kingdom and can't take it off either. We received it from a zebra merchant months ago. He said it was cursed, but anything that makes Queen stay and help us couldn't possibly be a curse." he says, looking quite proud of himself.
He then hands you a cup full of punch while taking one himself. "Here, a toast to our new Queen. May she stay with us forever!"
Not wanting to seem rude, you take the cup and clang it against his before taking a slow, ponderous sip. This whole "Queen" gig is practically hinged on Trixie's ability to actually find gems with her magic. The second they realize that she's not able to make them a ton of money to fund their kingdom, you're not sure what they're going to do, and that whole "Can't leave while the crown's on" thing is particularly annoying. Thankfully there's nothing stopping you from bailing if need be, but you'll try your best to make sure it doesn't come to that.
You start thinking about ways you can start fixing Dimondia up, while also making a list of things to do in order to keep the illusion of Trixie being as great and powerful as she claims. Looking over at where she's giving a grand speech to her new subjects, you realize you've got your work cut out for you. Still, it shouldn't be too much for someling like you to handl-
*Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!*
Gah! What is that horrible, concentration-shattering-... oh. It's just Jim lapping up his punch with his tongue... and getting most of it on the floor.
"Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to deduce shady politics here."
Jim grins up at you sheepishly before slowly backing away. With a roll of your eyes, you down the rest of the punch and head back over to Trixie's throne when...
BrownDog77 comment
*growl*
Your stomach growls.
Oh yeah, haven't eaten since breakfast... you realize as you look around at the food.
While Trixie is having a dish of roasted carrots and flowers with a cup of tea on the side, you notice that the rest of the food isn't anything too fancy; vegetable stew, baked potatoes, dog biscuits, boiled eggs, berries, bowls of watermelon punch, and... roast chickens, smoked hams, and a large turkey.
"Meat? You guys got legit meat? Oh sign me up!" you say ecstatically and are about to dig in when Trixie spits out her tea in shock.
"Ritz! Have you lost your senses?! You're a pony! You can't consume a living thing's flesh! Not only is it immoral, but you physically can't!" she chides at you horrified.
"Actually Trix, I'm omnivorous.," you tell her, upset about being lectured on not eating the glory that is meat.
"How? Aren't you a unicorn like me?" she asks.
"Well, remember my condition? I have a... mutation, yeah a mutation that causes me to like meat, I can't help it."
"But your Doctor's Note never mentioned anything about a mutation or being an omnivore." she points out.
"Well I'd say he must have thestral in his genetic history," Jim interjects.
"Thestral? You mean a bat pony?" you ask.
"Of course, my father knew one once. Would join us for a porkchop every now and again,"
"Ah! That must be why you've also got such light sensitive skin and big eyes, one of your family is a nocturnal creature." says Trixie.
"I... yeah sure, let's go with that," you say, happy that a rational explanation could explain away two of your "problems" as you help yourself to a plate while Trixie-er Queen Trixianna is brought an unopened aged bottle of champagne.
After managing to balance some generous slices of ham and turkey, some baked potatoes, a few bowls of vegetable stew, some boiled eggs, and a roast chicken on several plates on your back, you ask Jim,
"Hey, where do you guys keep the sour cream, chives, and chips?"
"Sour cream... chives... and chips?" Jim asks in confusion.
"Yeah, along with salt and butter, sour cream, chives, and cheese are some of the best things to put on baked potatoes. Plus, I haven't had chips in a while."
"I apologize Captain DeWitt, but I do not know what those dishes are. We Diamond Dogs are simple when it comes to food. We generally prefer to just roast the meat, put vegetables in stews, and the few bakers in the Kingdom focus on making biscuits and occasionally potato bread."
"Okay... Actually, what do you guys do for food?" you ask, hoping to get more logistics on what the Kingdom's food situation is like.
"Well, we DIamond Dogs are carnivores so we raise chicken and pigs, but because we're natural hunters and miners, we also hunt wild birds, gather wild berries, nuts, and olives, grow potatoes, turnips, carrots, and watermelons, and have a salt mine. We also trade and barter with some local cows for dairy products."
"Are there any foods that Diamond Dogs can't eat that I should be aware of?"
"Well, chocolate, coffee, grapes, onions, garlic, and mustard seeds are all toxic to us. Tomatoes, coconuts, and spinach are tolerable, but only in small amounts."
*ding* "Chancellor, I think I have some ideas that will really shake up Dimondian cuis-"
"For her next trick, the Great and Powerful Trixianna the First will make this pencil disappear!"
nightmaster0 comment
Your eyes widening in recognition of that drunk female voice, you drop your dishes and run over to see Trixie wobbling on her throne while shakily levitating a goblet of champagne and a pencil.
"Okay your drunky-ness, time to get you to the Royal Chambers." you say as you gently have the intoxicated showmare lean on you and head towards the castle before you stop and ask Jim,
"Uh... Do you know where the Royal Chambers are?"
"Of course," Jim answers, but with a sly look, "Just make a left at the entrance and go up the flight of stairs to the top floor and make a right until you reach the shiny door. I will make sure noone disturbs your privacy."
"Thanks." you say, oblivious to what Jim is implying as you guide her drunken majesty into the castle as per Jim's directions. Along the way Trixie drunk-talks to you,
"Mr. Dewitt, I just have to thank for sticking with me. Nopony's ever been as kind to me as you have."
"Really? Nopony?"
"Well there was this one odd pony named Maud back at that accursed rock farm. *hic* She didn't show much emotion but she was quite nice to Trixie. There was also Marble, but she was always too shy to say anythin-*hic* But other than her you are the first pony that Trixie could call a friend. *hic*"
"Huh, cool." you comment.
"Wait, there was also Ratzy!" Trixie perks up, but you quickly hold her to help maintain her balance.
"I think you mentioned that name before." you say remembering her drunk-mumbling that name during her brief power-mad takeover of Ponyville.
"Yeah, Trixie's foalhood friend! *hic* He was this sweet blue-eyed colt who was always there for Trixie that one summer. *hic* He was the one who originally helped Trixie's with her latent great and powerful skills." she reminisces.
"Why does that name sound familiar? Yahtzee? Bugze?" you mumble-wonder as you reach the door to the Royal Chambers.
"But who needs a colt when Trixie's got her a stallion..." Trixie says with lidded eyes towards you as she's now in the flirty stage of being drunk.
"Uh oh."
"You know Mr. Dewitt, Trixie thinks you deserve a special reward for all your kindness and help." she says as you open the door to guide Trixie in and reply,
"Uh-huh."
"There's one important thing every Queen needs. Let Trixie ask you something, have you ever dreamed of being a king..." she says invitingly as she nuzzles you.
Great, here we go again... you gulp nervously.
"I mean, every Kingdom needs heirs and you certainly must be one FINE specimen beneath... those... cloth-" suddenly, Trixie passes out and falls, but you catch her.
You sigh in relief and comment, "Feels like yesterday... In fact, I think it was yesterday." as you carry Trixie to the bed and tuck her in.
"Goodnight your highness." you say as you leave the Chambers and head back to where Chancellor Jim was to start making some major changes...
ONE MONTH LATER
BrownDog77 comment
Things are are now looking better for the Kingdom of Dimondia. Sure, it's no Canterlot, but it is doing alot better ever since Queen Trixianna took over as she (with alot of help from you) completely changed up quite a few of the operations of many Governmental Functions in Dimondia.
First thing you did; Give secret orders to the guards, staff, and Jim to keep any and all alcohol FAR away from Queen Trixianna as you prepare another "Hangover-be-Gone" breakfast.
Second thing is most obvious; Education. Most diamond dog pups have been homeschooled for generations which explains why most of their education is focused on mining and digging. Now most Changeling's aren't geniuses, but they are trained and educated in math, hoofwriting, and other basic skills to blend in better so you feel like some of the small pups should at least know what 2 plus 2 is. You and Trixie create an official schoolhouse and because Chancellor Jim is the most intelligent Diamond Dog by far (he actually attended school in a pony town as a pup), Trixie decrees that he should handle the education board. While Dimondia as a whole is still a nation of idiots, you are proud to say that the pups can perform basic addition and are now starting to read at a Kindergarten level.
Now they'll be able to barter better instead of being duped into trading half their gems for a hoof-ful of bea-
"Wait, if it's noon, how can 2 times 3 equal 6 o'clock?" one adult Diamond Dog asks Jim.
Or not...
Next is your job; Captain of the Dimondia Royal Guard. While you were never an officer back at the Hive, you were able to instill basic discipline and a slight measure of drone-like efficiency in these Dog Guards, trained them how to be stealthier (while nowhere near your level, they can be pretty quiet for a bunch of armored burly lugs), and some hoof-to-hoof combat by teaching them your Chain Punch. You even set aside a few of the much larger Diamond Dogs in the guard and had them formed into a Shock Troops unit armed with Kanabo clubs (Neighponese heavy clubs covered in knobs to better smash through armor and shields), odorless smoke bombs (so they could disorient and blind enemies without interfering with their own enhanced sense of smell), and even more armor. Queen Trixianna dubbed this new heavy unit; "Varangians".
While they're still not exactly Equestrian Black Flag operatives (3), the Diamondia Royal Guard are now a formidable force.
A few more months and I'll have my very own squad of commandos I can call down on my enemies with a hoof gesture just like in 'Assassin's Vow: Sisterhood'. you think in excitement.
Next is a sports team that can enter into the Equestrian National League like how the griffins and minotaurs play against the ponies. While you've personally never cared for sports, Changelings were taught the basics about sports and sports teams to better blend into stadium and bar settings. Seeing as how what the Diamond Dogs lack in brains, they make up for in brawn, you decide to teach them Hoofball. The first lesson was... enlightening.
"Alright you mutts." you say to two groups of Diamond Dogs as you hold up a hoofball, "This is a hoofball. Pay close attention as the primary objective of this game is to wail on whoever is currently carrying the ball-"
Cue both groups immediately pouncing on and dogpiling you. By some miracle, your suit manages to remain intact in spite of the pounding (Rarity is one hay of a seamstress) and being injured frequently with the Hoofball and Guard trainings means you have to invoke your changeling healing factor more which in turn means you can eat more without bloating, stomachaches, or gaining weight, much to Trixie's astonishment and envy,
"How is it even possible that you can eat all this junk and not gain a single pound while I need to exercise for an hour just to keep a slice of cake off my hips! Tell me now! Her Highness, Lady of the First Order, Queen Trixianna to First demands it!"
"Naw I kod tall yaw." you say with a mouth full of Fool's Gold Loaf (4), "*gulp* But then I would be obligated to kill you."
"R-really?" Trixie asks in fear.
"Nah, I'm just messing with ya." you say as you down a stein of milk, "It's part of my condition, makes me want to eat more. You wouldn't understand."
Speaking of which is the achievement that you yourself are most proud of (next to expanding the Kingdom's one picture house into a full multiplex movie theater); Using your knowledge of culinary movies, you introduce/"create" dishes to Dimondia including (but not limited to) peanut butter, watermelon slushies, sour cream, chili cheese fries, potato chips, hash browns, potato skins, potato wedges, loaded baked potatoes, carrot chips, carrot dogs (had to rename them "carrot franks"), fried chicken, chicken tenders, chicken nuggets, Papa Rellenas (stuffed potatoes), egg salad, egg drop soup, Croque-monsieurs, chicken-fried bacon, chicken-fried porkchops, Pork ribs, Buffalo wings (had to repeatedly explain to the Dogs that Buffalo do NOT have wings), Peeking Duck, Duck Confit, Qubanos (with Mayonnaise instead of Mustard), Monte Cristos, Gerbers, BLTs (the "T" had to be for Turnips instead of Tomatoes), PBJs, Elvises, clubhouses, the Double-Down "sandwich", and the Turducken. (5)
While these new recipes greatly boosts Diamondia's morale and food production, unfortunately it also boosts obesity and blood pressure rates as well. Even Trixie is a bit appalled by some of your food choices.
"How in Celestia's name is this a Child's Size?" she asks you as you hold up a 512 oz cup that says "Child" on it.
"Well because it's roughly the size of a two year old child... if the child were liquefied," you tell her, "Plus with the average litter size of the typical Diamond Dog family, this is a convenient way of getting something all the pups can drink."
"Captain... Cut back on the sugar intake will you? Don't make me make that an order."
"Fine," you grumble.
Even more important is the introduction of the Icebox. While Trixie still doesn't know a gem-locating spell, she does know a freezing spell so you're able to introduce the icebox to Dimondia so they can preserve their meat longer. With this, you help Dimondia's economy by founding a national food cart service aimed at transporting, making, and selling your new dishes to cities in Equestria with notable batpony and griffin populations (and "Dragon Town" in Fillydelphia) and they soon become a good source of revenue for Dimondia. The name of these carts; "Dimondia's Y.U.M. (Yummy Underdog Meats) Caravans".
"Really Captain DeWitt? Is that the best you could come up with?" Trixie asks in bemusement.
"Well ponies like acronyms and what better acronym than something ponies say when the like a meal?" you defend.
"But most of your dishes contain some sort of meat! Ponies would be driven off in revulsion."
"Thus leaving behind our target demographic; Griffins, batponies, and other carnivores."
Down with Chrysalis comment
Now we find Dimondia preparing for Nightmare Night. Seeing how the holiday was approaching and it's one of the changeling's favorite holidays (due to being the one day they could walk around without a disguise and NOT get squashed on sight) you introduce the holiday to Dimondia. Seeing how Diamond Dogs are mainly carnivores and they don't have pumpkins, you had to improvise the holiday here and there with some Diamond Dog touches (like carving Jack-o-Lantens out of Turnips and giving out tiny dog biscuits, bones, and jerky instead of candy).
On the lightning-bolt decorated entrance to the castle, we find you without any clothes on except your hat, saddlebags, and bracelet (claiming it's your "changeling costume") with a returning Y.U.M. overseeing the dropping off of a crate labeled with a Diamond Dog skull and covered in chains. When you open the box, you're happy it contains what you specifically asked for; A large bottle of Ketchup, a large bottle of Mustard, a large jar of Grape Jelly, a six-pack of vanilla cola, and a dozen bars of chocolate.
Yes! you think in happiness as you inspect the contents, Most of these dishes just aren't the same without condiments, blueberry preserves and watermelon jam just can't compare to grape jelly, and I haven't had chocolate or cola in a LONG time!
Large Bottle of Ketchup
Large Bottle of Mustard
12 Bars of Chocolate
Large Jar of Grape Jelly
6 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
Added to Saddlebags
After putting the contents away, you proceed to munch on a chocolate bar ("11 Bars of Chocolate" remaining) as you then proceed to push a large hollow chocolate cake from the Royal Kitchen to the Queen's chambers as per her orders. While pushing the pastry up the stairs, your mind starts to wander,
Officer status, a Queen giving me orders, all I can eat meat and fried foods, life is pretty gorram sweet here. And yet, I feel like there's something missing...
Your thoughts are interrupted when you reach the door to the Queen's chambers and you enter the room to find...
Trixie with a couple of suitcases full of clothes and other things.
"Uh... what's with all the bags?" you ask.
"Isn't it obv-" Trixie says as she turns around before her eyes widen in shock at seeing you,
"A CHANGELING!" she screams, "GUARDS, YOUR QUEEN IS BEING USURPED!!!"
On cue you see smoke bombs going off behind you at the entrance so you order down the hallway,
"FALSE ALARM, STAND DOWN!" and turn back to Trixie-
*CRASH*
Only to turn back when you hear three large heavily armored Varangians smash into the wall due to the bulk of their own momentum.
"Especially the Varangians." you comment before turning back to Trixie as you shut the door.
"Trixie, it's me! Remember the hat and saddlebags?!" You say as you point to your objects,
Trixie's eyes dawn in recognition, "Ritz?! Why are you dressed as a changeling?!"
"Nightmare Night, remember?"
"Oh... Sorry."
"Now I'll ask again; What's with all the bags?"
"Because I'm leaving."
...
"YOU'RE WHAT?!!!" you exclaim, "IF YOU'RE LEAVING, WHY THE BUCK DID YOU MAKE ME DRAG A HOLLOW CHOCOLATE CAKE ALL THE WAY FROM THE KITCHEN TO YOUR ROOM!"
"Because the Great and Powerful Trixie will hide in it while you lead it out of this gilded cage full of idiots."
...
"Say what?... And why?"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
(1) In fact, Changelings and Diamond Dogs were allies at one point. The Changelings would use the Dogs' impressive burrowing abilities to construct sprawling underground labyrinths, while they'd provide the drone-power often necessary for the enormous mining ventures the Dogs loved. It was a mutually beneficial relationship- that is, until The Legendary Kibble Incident of Knight's Peak. Things just haven't been the same since then. Despite that incident being centuries ago, for whatever reason sour feelings still exist between the Dogs and the Bugs. Changelings were always advised not to bother disguising themselves as Diamond Dogs and take extreme caution when infiltrating a stronghold with Diamond Dogs in it because as dogs, their noses could always sniff out a changeling regardless of how well disguised they were visually, physically, and audiology.
(2) Other cliches you hate include lame villain deaths (No! Headshots! EVEEEEER!) and "Put Down Your Crossbow and Step Away"
(3) The Black Flag specialists are a small but elite force of black ops commando ponies carrying out cloak-and-dagger work for the Princesses on more "mundane" (at least compared to supervillains like Discord and Nightmare Moon who would be WAY out of their league) threats like terrorists and foreign spies. Changelings shudder at the thought of facing down even one of these guys in the field, but fortunately Chrysalis was able to lure the majority of them away from the Canterlot Wedding via false terrorist plot rumors in Manehattan and Las Pegasus so the remaining ones were overwhelmed by pure numbers. Originally mentioned in the excellent fic, The Great Alicorn Hunt
(4) A type of large sandwich served at an exclusive restaurant that was one of the favorites of the King of Rock. The original recipe calls for a loaf of bread covered in margarine and toasted before being stuffed with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of hay bacon, but you had to improvise with a loaf of potato bread, butter, blueberry preserves, and actual bacon.
(5) Another thing you did was order the Diamond Dogs to set aside a few pigs with strict instructions to let them be free-range and only feed them acorns, olives, truffles, and clean water. You declare and label these pigs to be "Jamón Superior" who's meat should only be sold for a very high price (100 Bits a pound at the very least).
IMPORTANT: READ THIS LOADOUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT ABILITIES AND ITEMS YOU (RITZ) HAVE
Current Loadout:
On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)
-Gold Fountain Pen
-Gold Cigarette Case with 14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes
-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.
-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.
In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-6 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-6 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-6 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Large Bottle of Ketchup
-Large Bottle of Mustard
-11 Bars of Chocolate
-Jar of Grape Jelly
-6 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-56 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)
Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff
Alright commenters; it's Nightmare Night in Dimondia and Trixie wants to make her great escape. Will she make it! YOU DECIDE!
Some guidelines for next chapter;
1. Rainbow Dash and any of the other main ponies do NOT show up.
2. No exposing Ritz as an actual changeling.
3. It's Nightmare Night (aka the MLP analogue to Halloween) so feel free to use that for scares and costumes.
4. Remember, it's based on this comic arc;
5. Don't forget this detail when coming up of ways for Trixie to escape;
Jim leans in and whispers to you, "Crown is enchanted. It works as a collar and a leash so that King or Queen can't leave kingdom and can't take it off either. We received it from a zebra merchant months ago. He said it was cursed, but anything that makes Queen stay and help us couldn't possibly be a curse." he says, looking quite proud of himself.
Other than that, have fun!
The answer to the question; Who do you hear as Ritz DeWitt's/815's voice?
To be honest i haven't really thought about it. But if i have to choose i see him with Jack Black's voice.
Congratulations nightmaster0!
Personally, I often switch between hearing Robert Downey Jr (particularly his Tony "Iron Man" Stark and Sherlock Holmes roles) and Booker DeWitt (voiced by Troy Baker) when writing Specialist 815/Ritz DeWitt, but Jack Black's voice also fits as he's well known for comedy, but can also handle dramatic and even badassflank lines as the Kung Fu Panda movies have shown.
See ya next time, and here's hoping we can get the next chapter up before or on Halloween this Saturday!
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Just seen this, and to make sure, is this just a re-jigged version of TLOAWC? Same basic plot, same issues with luck... Is this just a copy or is this worth reading? I'm a bit strapped for time the next few months so any info on wether to invest most of an evening to read this or not would be appreciated.
Thanks
6570563 Definitely worth a look. No it's not Bugze, it's a separate Changeling in a different universe. No daughter to look after, no immense power, and a smarter Protagonist, also, he isn't public enemy number one with billions in dollar damages to his name, and he can go practically wherever he wants since the only thing he has to hide is his changelingness. Unlike Bugze, Ritz isn't always in the limelight of attention. So yeah, I'd say it's worth a read.
She explains the whole thing to you.
“Ritz, I’m no leader, I’m a fraud.”
“Well for a fraud, your reign has been far better than any of the other rulers,” you tell her.
“But that’s just it. Every decision or act that has been made over the last month has been from you. You’re the one who has reshaped this kingdom into a better place. You’re the one who set up money makers like Y.U.M. and jobs that don’t entail mining or farming. I on the other hoof have still not figured out that gem finding spell. You’re the leader here Ritz, not me,” she says sadly.
“But, you helped,” you say trying to cheer her up.
“All I did was let you go through with your plans. The only thing I’ve done is ban the “Child Size” sodas which a lot of the Dogs complained about,” she pouts.
“But Trixie, these dogs love you, I can feel it in the air whenever you appear to them.”
“I know…but and that’s another reason I have to leave,” she says as she puts her head down.
“What do you mean?”
“These overly affectionate idiots love me for a lie…and I can’t do that anymore. I still haven’t figured out that gem finding spell, and I don’t think I can. They look up to me for something I’ll never be able to do, and it saddens me.”
You pat her on the shoulder reassuringly.
“I told Sparkle that I would become Humble and Apologetic, but here I am taking advantage of a whole Kingdom while riding on the coattails of a brilliant stallion…” she says looking to you.
“I have to get away, I’m a showmare, not a queen, and this past month has shown me that. Plus I ache for a home where no one expects anything of me than to entertain. So please Ritz, get me out of here in that cake so that I don’t break those idiot’s hearts as I leave.”
You take your hoof of her shoulder.
“I understand, but what happens when we leave? We’ve set up the most prosperous reign they’ve ever seen, what if it all falls apart once we’re gone?”
“You don’t have to come with me Ritz, as I’ve said, YOU are the leader here. I don’t expect you to come with me,” she says sadly.
“H-hey now, don’t talk like that. I may have grown attached to these mutts, but You’re still my friend Trix, for better or for worse,” you reassure her to which she smiles.
“How about this, I help you escape, and I’ll stay behind and appoint Jim as successor and take care of some more loose ends, before I catch up to you on the road?” you ask.
She gives you a hug as she says, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,”
You then put her in the cake and try to get out of town…but when you try to leave the border of the kingdom, she physically can’t go any further because of the collar.
It’s then that you remember what Jim said.
“D-OH!”
So now you have to make the citizens not like Trixie, which is kind of hard since, as you said before, they Love her.
“I think it’s time to start thinking of scandals that can discredit you,” you tell her.
Job 1; Find a way to destroy that crown so Trixie can leave.
Job 2, Use All the tools at your disposal, especially the Aquila Talon, to escape.
6570563
Exactly what BrownDog77 said. I have stated that Ritz is NOT "Diet Bugze" as although he is also an unlucky pop-cultured changeling, Ritz paid attention in classes and prefers to use stealth and common sense to deal with problems in contrast to Bugze who often just blunders through obstacles using his powers.
Although since this is an alternate universe inspired by The Life of a Wanted Changeling, there is a Bugze in this universe, but he's just an "ordinary" quarter-Earth Pony changeling with orange spiky hair who is an incompetent, clumsy, and unlucky prankster named "Private 9001" who doesn't have a daughter or immense powers. His current status in this fic: Unknown (could be dead offscreen, could reappear, the point is he might be referenced occasionally but IF he does show up, it won't be for a LONG time).
Another great chapter.
You tell Trixie that there is a problem. Specifically the crown is cursed and keeps her trapped in the kingdom.
Before you can explain how it works, and you're plan to get it off. Trixie proceeds to freak out and try to get the crown off. After failing to get it off she get's upset and starts to cry. You immediately move to calm her down and comfort her. You tell her the situation isn't as hopeless as she thinks. She proceeds to shake you like crazy exclaiming how is this mess not hopeless. After she let's you go you finally get the chance to explain how the crown works, and you're plan to get her free.
After explaining everything Trixie glomps you while saying stuff like thank you, you're the most kind clever pony i've ever met, etc. After calming Trixie realizes she's still hugging and holding you. Trixie jumps off you apologizing while her face turns red.
Curiously you think you sense some very familiar coming from Trixie directed towards you. But you dismiss it thinking you're just imagining things from the dizziness.
As you explain to trixie her crown is cursed, your about to tell her how to get it off.....
Until you realized that you diddint know how the bucking thing worked. It was CURSED and if the bits and pieces of memory that came back to you this past month were accurate at all anything cursed would be a pain in the butt to take off, Heck the alicon amulet was cursed from what you could tell, and look at all the good it did you...
But theres a good chance that said curse. could be broken via some obscure method.
you should probably find the Chancellor and ask him about it, otherwise makeing trixie infamous would only get her killed, and waste your time if they dont even know how to reverse the curse.
according to him the only way to break it was to have sex with a changelingYour gonna have to come up with some Way to break the curse yourself. (probably something like. "Being universaly hated by the people" If you wanna do this this the E Z way. I suggest useing stealth to frame her and get her kicked out for hording gems or something.)
then you and trixie would ditch under the cover of night.
In the mean time I think the aquila talon should have a silver counterpart that forms a matching pair..... it would be a hidden blade (assassins creed style) that, aside from assassinateing fools, would allow you to pick locks and cut stuff... im thinking "silver tracer" is a good name, but i need to do some astronomy and find a constellation to base it on first.... hmm.....
6576264
The reason that "Aquila Talon" is a dulled hookblade and not a traditional hidden blade is that I do NOT want commenters to make Ritz into a kill-happy maniac who goes around stabbing ponies. The fic is rated "T", but I'd prefer to keep the action non-lethal as it keeps things un-complicated in the long run (with the practical in-universe reason for Ritz using nonlethal force is that leaving behind bodies will draw ALOT of attention in peaceful Equestria).
However, that bracelet DOES have other trigger phrases that will be revealed in future chapters...
6576692
nvm, diddint reilize the aquila talon was a hook blade, thought it was a grappleing hook.
And I typed this whole wall of text to.
FUUUUUU-
And btw i wanted the hidden blade to simply function as a lock pick/knife.... so.... Just give him a skeleton key and a swiss army knife.
"Uh, just a quick question Trixie. But... how much effort have you actually put into learning this gem-finding spell?" You ask her as she clicks her last suitcase shut. Every time you'd asked her over the past few months, she only brush off your concerns or give non-answers. Honestly, for a while you've been wondering if she's been doing anything but kicking back and enjoying her royal perks.
She turns to you, looking incredibly offended. "Captain DeWitt! I am incredibly offended that you would suggest that I, Trixianna the first, ruler of Diamondia, and your Queen would shirk her royal duties."
Normally when a member of royalty starts scolding you, you'd be on your knees waiting to beg for forgiveness. But you've known Trixie long enough to separate the boastful showmare side of her, and the mare she really is. You know that when she starts talking in her grandiose terms and trying to appear bigger than she really is, it's only for show, and you're in on the act.
So appropriately, you respond with a single raised brow and a deadpan stare. And just like that, the whole charade tumbles in on itself.
"Fine, I'll admit that I haven't devoted every spare moment to learing a gem-finding spell." Trixie says as she deflates back to the mare you know and tolerate. "But I have been trying!" she adds as she springs back up, "I had a few beginners' spell books and a small tome on thaumaturgy with me when I came here. But they only taught the basics, things I've mastered... or at least got good enough to use in my performances, years ago! I thought that with some proper adaptation I could simply teach myself how to cast a gem-finding spell! I didn't work so well." she tells you sadly.
Trixie then walks over to her royal mattress and pulls out a hoofful of gems from under the pillow. "I've tested my experiments by hiding these gems behind pieces of furniture or in boxes, and trying to pinpoint them with my magic, but nothing ever works. Gems just aren't my special talent. My only talent is being a big fraud."
That strikes a bit a chord with you, being a changeling and all. You walk over and pull Trixie into a quick hug.
"Well yeah, it sounds terrible when you say it like that." you say with a bit of a lighthearted laugh, "But even if you're not everything you say you are, sometimes that's all anyling needs. I mean, look out there," you say and point out the window, where the Nightmare Night festivities are taking place throughout the city. The Diamond Dogs seem a little confused about the pony holiday, but at least they're giving it a good try. "You see, we've done a lot together. I doubt things would be like this if we hadn't shown up and decided to put on the whole 'Queen and Captain' act."
"But this was all you. You're the one that whipped this place into shape, not me. I've done practically nothing but sit here on my royal butt." Trixie laments.
"But that was important!" you counter, "By sitting on your glorious royal butt and letting these dogs see you with their crown on your head, you gave them someling to look towards for guidance. You gave them something to hope for. And while you kept their attention, it freed me up to pull the strings from behind the scenes and make everything happen; I'd never get anything done if they were constantly pestering me. It's like they say... every great actor has a decent stage technician."
Trixie suddenly gloms onto you and gives you a teary-eyed smile. "You really think that Ritz?"
You're a little uncomfortable seeing her like this, but you pat her on the head and tell her reassuringly, "Yeah. I really do. And besides, it was nice to play the part of the Queen's loyal Captain."
Trixie nods, and looks out the window at her people and their festivities again. Then she lets out a sad sigh and says, "Unfortunately I think this whole act has played itself out. They might not be all that bright, but pretty soon even they're going to realize I'm all smoke and mirrors." she turns to you, "I don't want to be here when they all realize I'm a fake. I don't think I can handle going through that again."
"I understand. I'm just sad to leave all this behind." you tell her.
She looks at you in surprise. "You mean you're leaving too? But you're the one that did all of this. You're a natural leader Ritz, you could stay and be their King."
You have to admit that the thought of being a King is appealing... deliciously so. But after thinking on it a moment you shake your head. "Nah, like I said, I'm a stage technician. I do my best work in the shadows. Being in the spotlight just isn't for me. If you'll let me, I'd like to stick with you after we skedaddle out of here."
"I'd like that." Trixie says and goes to get her bags, "Well then, help me into this cake. We've got quite a few blocks to cover before we reach the edge of town.
You then realize something important that you should tell her. "Oh yeah... about that whole escaping thing. There's really something you should know..."
=====
(After you gather some info on the crown)
"WHAT?! You mean I can't leave as long at this crown is on my head, and I can't take it off unless these mutts stop liking me?!" Trixie screams.
"Well that's what I just said isn't it?" you say as you rub your ringing ear."
"But they love me! My performance as their Queen was spectacular!" Trixie panics, "They'll never hate me enough to get this stupid thing off. Which means I'l never leave. Which means They'll find out I'm a big fake! Which means I'm going to have to sit there and listen as they ridicule me for- Mmph!"
"Trixie. Calm down." you tell her as you jam a hoof in her mouth, "We just need to find a way out of this. Maybe if we make them temporarily dislike you without revealing that you weren't the gem-finding mystic we led them to believe you were. Hmmm..."
Then a suddenly brilliant idea pops into your head when you spot the hollow cake still sitting in the center of the room. "I've got it! We're gonna Nightmare Night prank the entire kingdom like they've never been pranked before." you say and deviously rub your hooves together as a wicked grin spreads across your face.
"Pranks? That's you're plan?" Trixie asks, not sure whether to take you seriously or not.
"Trust me." you tell her, "Back in my 'organization', there was one operative that had a pretty brutal pranking streak, everyone was fair game. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of thanks to him, and that kind of stuff..." you shudder, remembering a certain jug of 'mystery juice'. "It sticks with you. I've got enough pranks in my book, that by the time we're done, none of these dogs are going to forget tonight. And when we remind them that this will happen every year..."
Trixie actually grins along with you. "This might actually work."
As you pass through the streets of Dimondia pushing the "Chocolate Cake", you see the Diamond Dogs getting ready for Nightmare Night, setting up Jack-O-Lanterns and the "Bobbling for Turnips" tubs.
You even see most of the pups running around in their Nightmare Night costumes including lightning clouds, vacuum cleaners, "Timberwolves" (covered themselves in sticks), but most of them just painted themselves to resemble the best-selling book in Dimondia ever since you and Trixie set up the public Schoolhouse (Go, Dog, Go!)
BACK AT THE CASTLE
After your first failed attempt at leaving Dimondia, we now find you and Trixie back in the Royal Chambers. Trixie is currently pacing around the room worried about how she's going to escape while you're currently still unclothed (in your "changeling costume") and devouring a large meal of a Fool's Gold Loaf (you donated half your grape jelly to have the proper recipe instead of blueberry preserves as usual), chicken fingers, chicken-fried bacon, a bacon-wrapped pork meatloaf, sausage gravy, Buffalo Wings, Double-Downs, Monte-Cristos, and a tall stein of chocolate milk (you had the kitchen melt down one of your chocolate bars for the milk).
-1/2 Large Jar of Grape Jelly
-10 Bars of Chocolate
remaining in Saddlebags
"How can you be stuffing your face at a time like this?!" Trixie exclaims in exasperation as you squirt more mustard onto your chicken tenders,
"*gulp* Seeing how we may be leaving soon- *crunch chew gulp* I'm enjoying meat while I still can-*stuff*"
That and I'll need fuel for my healing factor in case things could to Tartarus.
"*sigh*You're gonna get SO fat. F-A-T! Sure, maybe you can get away with it now, but by the time your metabolism slows down- I mean, if there's any justice in the world... Ugh, Trixie needs a drink!"
"Can't. Alcohol is poisonous to Diamond Dogs, remember? *gulp* Want the kitchen to make you some chocolate milk?"
"Grah!" Trixie exclaims as she turns and throws her hooves up in exasperation.