• Member Since 15th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

RIPoste


Reading is my hobby, writing is my pastime.

T

Sombra had failed to take over the Crystal Kingdom. However, where the Shadow failed, when together with the Light, success was inevitable. Victorious and with the Crystal Kingdom in his thrall, Overlord Lueur, or Chrome Windcutter as he was known before his fall, looks on as the Equestrian army was mobilized to rescue the Crystal Kingdom. As he watched, the dark lord remembers his past.

-Currently undergoing refining-


Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 14 )

Uhh... Y can't eye Lik?

6242916

You can, but now only after roughly 5 people vote on it does voting appear.

6250706 Well, I think it's a new feature to prevent early haters or something. They said it only shows when 15 votes or higher are given will they show the votes.... I think....

But anyway, Thanks for the votes!

Oh wait, PoliticalUnrest said that alrdy... XP

Name of Story: Chrome, The path he walked
Grammar score: 9
Pros: This fic has amazing characters and a great story. The grammar was also very good, I didn't see a single mistake. (The only reason I gave you a nine is because knowing me, I probably missed something)
Cons: Not everything has been fully explained yet, so some questions remain. Not all of the characters (Like Lueur's ministers or followers). And Lueur's exact power hasn't been exactly defined.
Notes: I would like for you to explain exactly what Sombra and Lueur's species were. And Lueur was able to move the earth, and it wasn't even a fraction of his power! Wow powerful is this dude? I need to know! Why did his ministers betray him? Why was Celestia wary of him? These are questions that should be answered in the future. But other than that, I really enjoyed this, and I would recommend it to anyone.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at this story: The Reject Chronicles

6282646 Thank you for the review! And glad you enjoyed it! Not intending to sound almighty though, but just a little spoiler:

I'm planning to reveal all in the upcoming chapters, so read them when they're out!!!

And gimme awhile, I'm reading that story you recommended now!

Fantastic! This chapter was great, and I eagerly await the next one.

Within a dark tent, an Alicorn worked.

This just feels like an odd way to start, and could probably benefit from a more detailed description

a purple baby dragon slept.

You could have just said Spike.

“Twilight?” A voice spoke, “are you free now?”

This just seems to come out of nowhere; I recommend describing her in her cloak first and then having her speak. There's also an error in Twilight's statement following this; 'Exclaimed' should have a lowercase 'e'. I'm pretty sure you do this more than once.
One of the biggest problems in this story is how pretty much everything is told to the reader; very little is shown descriptively. There are also some awkward sentences, like this one:

The second occupant is an Alicorn of dark green, whose entire body shimmered in the light of the chandelier hung from the ceiling.

"A dark green Alicorn stood in the center of the room, his coat shimmering in the light from the chandelier" is a better sentence, though still not perfect. There are significantly fewer extraneous words, and it "flows" better.
Aside from that, it seems mildly intriguing, from what I've read. Just watch out for those OCs; they could easily become overpowered.

6346760 Thank you for the review! I greatly appreciate it!

Within a dark tent, an Alicorn worked

While how you write is up to you, I would just go with Twilight. Same with "Spike" and "Rainbow Dash"; especially after you've already mentioned their names in the story. You have to figure most people here are already familiar with the characters and would know who they are. But those are stylistic choices.

concernedly

it's just concerned.

In the story you switch from kilometers to miles. While nothing major, picking a single unit of weights and measures would simplify things.

re-enacted

odd word choice. Not wrong, but odd. Maybe, "followed in the footsteps of" would be better. Just a suggestion.

Princess Celestia and Luna had immediately ordered an army mobilized. For the Crystal Kingdom was one of Equestria’s greatest assets.

should be, "Princess Celestia and Luna had immediately ordered an army mobilized; for the Crystal Kingdom was one of Equestria’s greatest assets."

Gazing at her friend, Twilight asked.

“Can you do it? We don’t wish to force you.”

Should be "Gazing at her friend, Twilight asked, “Can you do it? We don’t wish to force you.”"

milord

my lord.

Ok, I'm not going to quibble over word choices or grammar or stuff like that. I'm guessing you're mostly concerned with how I liked the story; so here it is. Umm, it defiantly has a "Lord of the Rings" feel to it. The idea of jumping backward and forward in time is very ambitious and can be tricky to pull off (if for no other reason than it can confuse the readers). That's about all I can say now. I've only read the prolog so far. I hope I didn't come across as too nit-picky. I meant no offense by it. Only trying to help.

6358026 Righto, thanks for most of the help, tho I'll like to point out milord is a legit term hahaha. Anyways, thanks for the review!

Awesome! This guy is definitely one of my favorite FIMfiction villains. Can't wait for more, update as soon as you can!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!