The Dazzling's, in dire financial straights after the Battle of the Bands, open a restaurant with Anon. They solve mysteries. Cuteness ensues.
The Rainbooms are still jerks to them. Sunny is ok.
Chapters (31)
- Member Since 21st Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 25th, 2021
brzy
Short, sweet, slightly silly smut stories.
brzy
Joined 21st Jun, 2015 ·
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Hm. Ordinarily, a set-up like this would make me think of one of those self-insert stories, you probably know the kind, but there's no romance tag or any attempt at a flowery, 'poetic' description. Just a quick summary and 'cuteness ensues.' That, and someone that wasn't in town and doesn't know all about what happened, even still thinking 'Bacon Hair' to be evil, even if someone winds up showing him otherwise later on, feels like a breath of fresh air.
Color me intrigued.
A slow start that promises a lot of development, definately worth the watch button.
I get the impression the Dazzlings have done something like this before. Also;
Cuteness may vary, but these lines made me smile.
This looks good.
Seems good so far it's a 8/10 so far....
I come from a dark place, following the light cast out by this story. Here I take shelter from the hell I willingly entered, and am restored by this island of goodness.
6244153
I am a very tall midget....
This story has potential, don't get me wrong, but there are some things that do bog it down.
The major one I've noticed is that there is no transitions to indicate the PoV changing. One minute, Adagio is making the menu, the next, Aria's looking at uniform's, and then, Sonata is telling people about the restaurant, with no breaks in between. It's jarring, quite honestly.
Another thing, I've found a major gripe with them running the restaurant: wouldn't they need food establishment licenses to actually run the restaurant? If they're running it without said food license, they could get into some really serious trouble.
And then another thing- why would the establishment become empty? From what I'm gathering, the restaurant was doing pretty well, otherwise, why would A. Nonimous let Anon inherit the restaurant? Shouldn't the pantry still be full? Shouldn't there still be workers, or a functioning dining area? Sure, I can understand taking a few days to close the shop to honor the owner, but there are plenty of establishments who see their owners die, and they still continue on.
And then, finally, there's the lack of showing and explaining. For instance, why does Anon love cooking? Does he like eating the foods he makes? Or maybe he enjoys a challenge, that being making food, something where anything can happen. And I noticed you could describe the restaurant in more detail. Maybe for the floor tiles, say-
One last thing, why would the students trust Sonata about Cafe Dazzling, and, from what I'm gathering, make like they do want to go there? Remember, the Sirens mind- controlled the entire school with their music in Rainbow Rocks. The students should be suspicious about Sonata trying to get to Cafe Dazzling, which would have made Anon a much better prospect at attracting customers.
Alright, that should be it for the most part. This story still does have potential, don't get me wrong, plus I'm not seeing any real problems in your spelling or grammar. I'll be back at the next chapter to read through it.
6244685 A license transfer is actually pretty cheap when ownership changes, like $50 in some places. EIN should stay the same for tax purposes and ordering stuff wholesale. Didn't want to get bogged down too much in business stuff, I'm trying to tell a cute story about the Sirens running a diner.
I'm telling the story from Anon's point of view mostly. He didn't know about all this stuff with the Dazzlings brainwashing the students, or even the Sunset Shimmer incident. He just knows these new girls showed up, he had to leave to be with his dying Uncle, Sunset Shimmer somehow turned from being mean Queen Bee to being smiling Queen Bee with a gang, and these girls aren't really being let in.
I'll try to work on the transition stuff and backstory as I go.
Another good chapter. Interesting take on Sunset you have there. I wonder what will happen.
I also wonder how Cheerilee will fit in to this story, seeing as she's a main character.
I laughed harder at this than I really should have.
Ha. The Dazzlings are sometimes called Monster High knockoffs, but Twilight's crew beat them to it by stealing the magical girl shtick in the first movie. I think Sunset even had her overlong transformation sequence first. There's an angle I hadn't really considered for a story primarily from the POV of a random joe; how weird and ridiculous the main cast might look through average eyes.
That was a little vitriolic, but it's reasonable that the two groups might be off to a rocky start here. A little bit vicious on Adagio's part, but her throwing in a sort of peace offering after and nobody getting unnecessarily hostile keeps the tone light.
EDIT: I guess it says something that after a few years of reading fanfiction, it's the things I don't see that seem to stand out the most, but that's more on me than any given story.
... ~scribbles in recipe book~
6246260 It is canon that Adagio has a bit of a sadistic streak. I like Sunset, I just find it funny turning around the perspective on the mane 6. A normal person would dismiss alot of the stuff they say, like Celestia did. And threatening to use offensive magic on someone is probably a criminal offense in Equestria. Twilight effectively tried to pull a gun on the Dazzlings in the gym when they first met, with no real evidence of evil.
6246454 I would use seasoned breadcrumbs instead of crushed frosted flakes. Was going for an iron chef vibe and picked random stuff for Anon to try to make something from.
Right twist of the knife there by Adagio. Eheheheh.
Nice idea on food and stuff and I'm also liking the story cuz I also like to cook
a little rushed and out of ordinary, but never the less is pretty good for a story.
Ok, after reading this, this really feels out of place. The scenes in this story are very rushed and feel as if things are just happening with out reason. like the guy said it has potential, but it really doesnt feel like a story.
Ha! Sounds like they're more or less forgiven, for now. At the same time? 'Be careful what you wish for' comes to mind.
6246462
I might give it a try both ways,
This story is turning out to be like watching the anime Toriko or reading the Redwall novels... it keeps making me hungry,
Adagio can cook? and it's great? Who could possibly imagine!
Nice intro.
....Yeaaaahh, that name is gonna totally work around this area........after the whole battle of the band things....totally work out.
He's avoided every school events so conveniently. Also CHS are too acceptable about Dazzling...and Sunset(actually while Dazzlings are doing their plan for a couple of days, Sunset was bullying the whole school for years and she was so easily forgiven). I guess I cannot blame for that when even canon has the same plothole. As long as you show me the "cuteness ensues", I am fine for avoiding unnecessary arguing.
Okay, I could understand RD because that is kinda a role for her...although she is supposed to be loyal.
But hey, farm girl, I'm pretty sure you have to be able to see the problem. You are supposed to be a role for stopping RD ordering that and you ordered it earlier than RD. WHAT THE....
Methinks I smell some foreshadowing. Or maybe it's the lingering scent of lasagna?
Why do I keep looking forward that Adagio has other plan something like Sunset said? Quick, more cuteness to erase this thoughts!
6254022 I'm kind of following the idea that it's nearly impossible to hate Sonata. Any ill will just slides off her like water off a cheerful duck that just wants to be friends. Aria and Adagio are still definitely on the outside as far as CHS students go.
AJ is a cowgirl who runs a farm with cows, pigs, and horses. Its just too weird to me for her to be a vegetarian. Plus they knew Sunny as a regular human girl alot longer than they've known she was a pony. Old habits and all that.
This book is a 8/10 still
I sense a disturbance in the force. Maybe two.
I look forward to finding out!
Only good things can come of this.
Well, that was a little abrupt.
On the other hand, purple girls with purple hair and a stripe in it unite! Or at least the two of them. Not sure the human Starlight Glimmer would be any help here.
I will continue to wait to see where this is going.
Ahh. now it makes sen-
Oh, holy crap! The situation is considerably more insane than I imagined!
...This virtually guarantees fun later, whether she reaches that goal or not.
Cuteness ensues, indeed.
6272576 Twilight in any dimension is a nearly friendless bookworm before getting the elements. Pony princess had to read one on sleepovers for pony's sake. In this one there happens to be manga to steer her horribly wrong. Not exactly shipping, but Scilight wants her harem.
Okay, that...came out from nowhere....really awkward actually. I'm ok for shipping if this is one chapter story but this is not. You could build some story to come up this you know.
Oh, forget about what I said on the last chapter, you did that on purpose....it was still awkward.
And the fact that interested one was Aria was also quite interesting...maybe you just want to put some personality to her cuz she's kinda bland.
I'm not entirely sure what's going on plot-wise, but little moments like these still make me smile.
That was funny until I considered the number suddenly going down to to 4 and it got real scary.
These four are steadily getting sillier.
And then that ending! No idea which way that'll go.
It's nice to see a bit of awkward, bumbly silliness on both sides of this kind of thing for once, as opposed to the old 'Rival Faction Uniformly Has Its Act Together All The Time' routine. The one that ends up making no difference if the other side win anyway through dumb luck, technicalities, or the supposedly superior team up and dropping the ball for no apparent reason.
6273440 Mr.popp is at the top of any pecking order.
The language in the beginning of the chapter is new, but I don't think it's hurting anything. Justifies the Teen label, too, which opens the way for slightly mature jokes! (In some sense of the word, anyway)
Small nit-pick, it might help to distinguish a change of scene, possibly by adding something between the lines. I usually do this:
Other than that, the difference between what Crystal Prep's principal and VP seem to think of Twilight and her actual behavior (particularly that athletics bit) is interesting, and definitely draws attention to the change in the description... Is this part of her plan too, I wonder? Is she going for a new/wider harem by playing the Shrinking Violet? I look forward to finding out!
6324391 Added the break. Dash is kind of a jerk, and I took off her cartoon censor. Aria and Doc both had no problem fighting off the angry mob at the mall, so there is some disconnect going on between the Twilight Aria and Crystal Prep knows, and the one the Rainbooms met. Glad people are enjoying it.
Hah. Nice to see that even with her apparent plan to magically conquer the world, Human!Twilight can still have little moments like this.
She got corrupted somehow....
It feels like this is building towards something, the rapid shifts from short scene to short scene make me think a big, important event with lots of little pieces is happening. I'll probably have to re-read the story as a whole when it's done to see everything in context.
6379018 It shifts quick because I don't have much time to write. Busy getting ready to move. Though it is also building up to the end.
cant wait too see what happens, Will Aria and Sonata ever get their shards back... Twilight be straightened out...
I'm a little sad, I was basically trying to write an alternate version of Friendship Games, but the movie came out before I finished. I enjoyed it.