Everypony was waiting in Celestia’s room, Shinning Armor was hugging Cadence who couldn’t stop her tears flowing, Twilight Velvet and Sweet Rose were doing the same with their daughters, the waiting was killing them, Shinning in an effort to cheer them up, said:
“Easy Everypony, I’m sure he is ok and I know we will find him, he is a tough Kid”
He sounded so confident but it didn’t work, he decided to remain silent and kept consoling Cadence, seconds later, Night light entered the room with hope in his face.
“They are here! C’mon everypony”
As soon as he said those words, everypony ran to the palace's entrance, they waited a little while until finally all the royal guards started to enter, Shinning looked at their faces, the mere sight of them told him everything he needed to know and he started to cry too, the last one to enter was Princess Celestia, her eyes were blank and were showing no life, she was walking in three legs since she was holding something in one bloody hoof.
Cadence aproached and tried to say something to her but when she saw what her aunt was hidding, her wings stopped by themselves and she fell to the floor, she didn’t cry but her eyes also became blank and lifeless, Celestia kept walking without saying a word, Twilight told her something but she didn’t listen, nopony dared to follow her, Shinning Armor then aproached to the commander and asked him:
“Please, tell us. . .what you found?”
“I, I can say it in full detail since there are children here but. . . what I can say is. . . we will never see Prince Bright again, he, he is dead”
When Twilight and Flying heard those words, they started to cry and scream like they never did before.
“NO! YOU ARE LYING! HE IS NOT DEAD!!! HE CAN’T BE DEAD!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Their parents did their best to calm them down but they kept crying until Cadence used an sleeping spell on them, they needed to rest for now, once the kids were taken to their room by Twilight Velvet, Everypony gathered in the dinning room and the commander proceeded to tell them what they found, as Celestia, Cadence world litteraly broke in pieces, she remained there, crying in Shinning’s shoulder who was also sharing some tears.
Sweet Rose fainted right there and Twilight Velvet was about to faint too but was helped by her husband, Cadence screams made echo in all the palace, breaking the hearts of everypony inside even more.
“There there Cadence, let them come out” Shinning was doing his best to console her.
But there was nothing in the world that could do that, her cousing was gone, and not gone in a kind way, eaten by Timberwolves? Really!? somepony as sweet as him had such a horrible end? It was just too cruel! She was never going to see him again, not see any of his smiles, no more hugs, no more playing with him and Twilight, no more slumber parties, not being able to see him grow up and reach his true potential, NO NOTHING!”
She was going to faint for sadness as well but then she heard somepony entering the room.
“Agh, what is going on here, ouwww my head”
Cadence looked who it was, it was her brother, at that moment, without thinking, she tackled him to the ground and stared at him with daggers in her eyes.
“YOU! YOU DID THIS DIDN’T YOU! THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION! THEY KNEW ABOUT HIM! THEY EVEN KNEW WHERE TO LOOK FOR HIM! HOW MUCH DID YOU PAYED THEM? DID IT WORTH IT? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ANSWER ME!”
BlueBlood felt how his blood literaly was turning blue, risking for a blast in his face he said:
“Wha. . . what are you talking about sister? I swear I don’t know what you mean?”
“LIES! YOU. . . YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO NEVER LIKED HIM! YOU WANTED HIM GONE! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE MY BROTHER, IF IT WERE FOR ME I WOULD. . .”
Cadence was stopped by Shinning Armor who hugged her from behind.
“CADENCE STOP! I KNOW YOU ARE HURT, VERY VERY HURT BUT PLEASE, WE NEED TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY, TRUST ME, HE IS MY VERY FIRST SUSPECT TOO BUT WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS, REMEMBER THERE IS A LIE DETECTOR SPELL NO PONY CAN TRICK! IF HE IS GUILTY, WE WILL KNOW FOR SURE”
Cadence started to calm down and casted the sleeping spell on herself, she couldn’t take it for much longer, Shinning armor with her in his hooves noded to his commander who noded back.
“Guards, Take Prince BlueBlood on custody, until all the investigations are over, everypony is a suspect”
Every guard noded and used their magic to restrict the Prince, he didn’t oppose, he was too shocked after seeing his sister acting that way, while he was taken to his room for house arrest, Celestia was already in her son’s room, laying in his bed, still hugging the bloody pendant, she only whispering one phase:
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”
- - - - - - - - -
(CADENCE DIARY, P.O.V)
DAY - - - -
It’s been three week since I lost my cousin, I still can’t believe he is gone, sometimes I wake up and hope I will hear his cute giggles around the castle again but the crude reality hit me the second later, the funeral was nice, very sad but nice, every guard and maid who knew him came, Twilight’s family and Sweet Rose came too, my heart broke even more when I saw Twilight and Flying crying on the empty coffin, many ponies put something precious inside, plushies, gems, photos of him with them, I asked my auntie if she was going to put Bright’s pendant inside the coffin too but she refused with all her strenght while hugging it thightly, I decided to let her be.
DAY - - - -
After one month, BlueBlood was finally set free, no matter how many times my Aunt used her Royal Lie Detector spell on him, her horn always glew green when she asked if he told somepony about my cousin on purpose, that gave me a little relief, at least he didn’t betray us like that, but I was crushed again when we never found any guilty, all the guards made the test and every one of them passed it.
DAY - - - -
They found him! After an intense search in the forest next to the checkpoint, they found the culprit! It was a low life named Heart Stealer, he was found very weak after being wandering for weeks in that forest, they brought him here and my Aunt immediately used her spell on him, once again, our hearts broke, he confirmed all the information about Bright was given to him by my. . . brother, we confronted him but once again, the spell told us he didn’t say anything on porpuse, it was imposible, how could both of them saying the truth? realization came to me then, How I didn’t realize it before, that night. BlueBlood smeled like alcohol!
DAY - - - -
It’s been 2 weeks since BlueBlood was sent to the military school outside Equestria, I believe Aunt Celestia did the right thing, he didn’t say anything on purpose but still he had to be punished, 4 years in that school and no Prince’s rights during that period, maybe it would teach him some humility, considering everything what happened, he really had it easy, I believe deep down, Celestia still loves him and didn’t want to hurt him, after all, the real culprit was that souless pony Stealer, and I must admit, I still love my brother but he really screwed big this time, I don’t know if four years away from him will be enough time for me to forgive him.
DAY - - - -
Today. . . .Heart Stealer was excecuted, he asked for mercy but my Aunt didn’t have any left, as any Equestrian, he knew very well that kidnapping and killing a pony was paid with death, worst a Royal member, but I can say, she clearly didn’t enjoy doing it, even though he was the responsable for her unhappiness, it was made inside the palace and never made public, at first I thought, what would happen if anypony noticed his disappearance? but then I remembered, he was a scum bag with no family after all, no pony was going to miss him and to be honest. . . part of me wanted him dead.
DAY - - - -
At last! It took her one and half year, but Celestia finally came out the Palace, she always refused to come out, every night after finishing her royal duties, she used to go to my sweet cousin’s room and layed on his bed, crying or whispering his name, I convinced her to come to see the Heart’s warming day's play with me and she accepted, I hope this is the first step for her to move on.
DAY - - - -
Today we celebrated Twilight’s 16 Birthday, all her family, me, Celestia and little Spike was there and Sweet Celestia! she has become a fine mare, she is Elegant, Smart and beautifull, It worries me a little her lack of friends but I believe my aunt will find a way to fix that, it’s also a little sad, just by looking at her today, it’s obvious she hasn’t forget about Bright, not that I want her to forget him but . . . I want her to start looking for somepony else, I always thought they both would end together, the way they looked to each other was so cute, I think he liked her as much as she liked him, Twilight Velvet told me she still can hear her cry some nights in her room, whispering his name, just like my aunt, it broke my heart hearing that, she doesn’t have to forget him but she needs to let him go”
DAY - - - -
Today is the day, my BIG DAY, I’m finally getting married with the Stallion I love, my Knight in (giggle) Shinning Armor, SHINNING ARMOR! I’m so happy, we invited Twilight and all her friends, My aunts Celestia and Luna will be therel, My brother too, I already forgave him but I warned him, he was forbidden to drink alcohol ever again, I think Celestia already forgave him too but Twilight is another story, I don’t think she hates him but it’s obvious she will never let go what he did, I can’t say I blame her but I need to talk with her about it but not today, I need to get ready, Ohh Bright, how I’d like you to be here with us today.
(END OF P.O.V)
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
This was a disaster, Changelings flying and attacking ponies everywhere, they caught them by surprise, many guards were already trapped in their fluids (ugh) Twilight and her friends were on their way to get the Elements of Harmony to end this invasión, when they were close to get to the throne room, they found a whole batallion of changelings, they did their best to fight back but in the end they were out numbered and captured, they were brought to the chapel to join the Queen of Changelings, a brainwashed Shinning Armor, an already restricted Cadence and an unconcious Princess Celestia who was inside of some kind of cocoon.
- - - - - - - - - -
(CANTERLOT'S STREETS)
“Cmon Velvet we need to find a safe place”
“But our children are still in the palace!”
“I know but there is nothing we can do! We have to have faith in them, remember they are far more powerfull than you and me”
“. . . . you are right, ok let’s. . .”
At that moment, thanks to a beam that came from nowhere, part of a roof started to fall just above Twilight Velvet.
“Twilight!” her husband screamed but it was too late to act.
Velvet closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable but one second before it impacted with her, she felt how she was pulled up by two powerfull hooves, putting her out of danger, it was too sudden but somehow she felt safe and warm, somehow. . . this was a familiar feeling, when she opened her eyes to see her saviour, her mind exploded, it was imposible! Maybe she did die and that’s why she was seeing him, was he here to guide her to the afterlife? but he was no longer a kid so. . .
“Are you ok lady?”
Her thoughts were interrupted when he asked that, she nodded without stopping looking at him, He put her down and said:
“Good! now go, There is a shelter over there, don’t worry, I already cleared it from Changelings”
He then started to walk to the palace.
“Now If you excuse me, I need to end this Invasion, I came for answers today and I’m not planning to leave without them”
Twilight and Night already at her side only stared at him, they didn’t know what to say, but they were more shocked when he turned around and stared them back, he stared them for some seconds, finally he said:
“Now that I think about it. . . you two also appear in those dre. . . agh my head. . . no matter, if is neccesary, I will look for both of you as well, now go and stay safe, you may be usefull to me later”
He resumed his way to the palace, fighting Changelings in the process, they were no match for him, Velvet hugged her husband who hugged her back and both started to cry, she then started to scream:
“I thought he was gone! I was convinced he was gone!”
- - - - - - - - - - - -
(BACK TO THE PALACE)
Knowing she was winning, Queen Chrysalis said:
“You do realize the reception’s been cancelled, don’t you?”
She then turned to her subjects.
“Now go! Feed!”
Every Changeling except her, left the room to have a feast.
(Chuckling) “It’s funny really, Twilight here was suspi. . . .”
She was interrupted when a changeling entered the room flying at top speed, Queen Chrysalis got very upset, using her magic, she levitated the subject in front of her and said:
“What do you want? Don’t you see I’m in the middle of my Victory’s monologe?”
“I’m sorry your highness but we may have a problem”
“What is it?”
“Many of the guards we had captured were released by somepo. . . well by a creature”
“What? are you telling me one single creature is giving you so much troubles?”
“My Queen, he is so strong and. . . magic doesn’t affect him, we believe he is using (gulp) darkness stone”
“But, that’s Imposible! There is no Darkness Stone left in Equestria or the Changeling Empire”
“I’m as confused as you my queen, but that’s not all, he left the fight in the streets to the free guards and now, he is coming here”
“Ha! Let him come then, if he thinks my magic will be reflected by some little Darkness stone, he has another thing comming”
The mane 6 and Cadence were shocked, who was this creature they were talking about? Queen Chrysalis the asked to her drone:
“Now tell me, how does this. . . creature looks like?”
“It’s hard to explain, he has some kind of strange clothes and armor covering great part of it’s body, he is tall, maybe as tall as you, very thin with a few muscles, one could say is some kind of mutated hornless minotaur or. . . a furless monkey, we can’t be sure since he has all his face covered in some kind of mask, but I can say he is strong, he has defeated dozens of troopers by himself, it’s a relief he is only using his fists to fight instead the axe he has with him, and it seems he can talk.
When the Changeling said the phase “Furless Monkey” Twilight and Cadence were started to feel dizzy, they almost fainted, it couldn’t be, it was Imposible! . . .right?
Queen Chrysalis started to laugh.
“So this creature was able to give you tons of troubles by himself and he even did it without using lethal weapons? ok, then go! Help your brothers and tell them to not stop him, I want to deal with him myself, with all the power I got here, he will not stand one minute fighting with me”
The trooper noded and exited the room, not wanting them to miss the show, Queen Chrysalis trapped Twilight and the rest in changeling’s Fluid as well, they waited for some minutes until she finally heard it, knocking the door.
“You may pass strange creature!”
Chrysallis opened the door and saw the source of all her subject’s problems, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the creature standing there, with an serious look, staring back at her, he indeed was tall, and was armored to the teeth, and yes, he had it’s face covered except for it’s eyes and mane.
“Oh don’t be shy, come in, it’s what you want, don’t you? to save these ponies from the means Changelings, RIGHT?”
The creature started to walk, After seeing him, Twilight, not able to contain the surprise, fainted, Cadence by her part, was only silent.
“Sugarcube! Are yah alright?!” Applejack said while trying to wake up her friend but didn’t lose sight of the strange creature who only kept walking.
“What is that thing darling?” Rarity said to Rainbow
“I don’t know Rarity, but I can tell he looks dangerous and to be honest with you, he looks kinda cool”
“I think he looks funny”
“PINKIE!” Everypony shouted at her
Fluttershy didn’t say anything, she stared at the creature with wonder eyes, what was this creature? She thought.
The creature stopped when Chrysallis shot a beam to it’s feet, he didn't show any surprised emotion.
“I think that’s close enough darling, so tell me, are you really planing to play the Hero and try to save these ponies?”
Nopony could notice for the mask, but the creature chuckled, he scratched his "mane" and said:
“Not really, to be really honest with you, that wasn’t my plan when I decided to come to Equestria, I expected things to be easier for me and you ruined it, sorry but you are really unlucky, unfortunately for you, I need those two alicorns free and alive”
The creature said that while pointing Cadence and Princess Celestia still in the cocoon, he continued:
“And maybe just maybe those other two as well” Now he was pointing Shinning Armor and Twilight Sparkle who was starting to wake up.
“Is that so? Interesting! Tell me. . . why is that you need them for?”
“That doesn’t concern you, I will only say they are convenient to me, they may have some answers I need and whether I like it or not, helping them to stop you is the right thing to do, Stupid morality I must say, of course I will expect a good reward after this in case they can't answer my questions, this whole hero's play is costing me time, effort and resources, too much to do it for free. I’m so sorry but I have to stop you, just know this. . . It’s nothing personal”
Cadence And Twilight, after hearing what “Bright” said, they only whispered:
“What!?”
END OF SEASON 1
Wow make season 2
Where did you learn how to punctuate? Commas are used inside sentences, not to end sentences. Periods (along with question marks and exclamation points) mark the end of sentences, not the end of a paragraph. Every single paragraph I saw was a long, rambling run-on sentence!
I like the concept, but you story is going 300 miles and hour, its SO rushed, and don't get me started on the grammar.
6239640 First of all, I really apreciate your honesty, I mean it, I know my grammar and punctuation are not the best (not to mention they are very bad) the only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't have my editor helping me with this story and I did say I'm not as half good as him, he is editing "Friendship is life"
6239936 Wow, Thanks! I really need to fix that. I hope you stay in case I decide to writte the second season.
6239693 Fair enough, you are right, I kinda felt it a little rushed but that's because I only wanted to prepare the field for the next seasons, I didn't want to make another "adopt a human" story in where all is about the human's days living in Equestria, meeting the mane 6, learning lessons about friendship and bla bla bla, Not that I don't like that concept but I really didn't want to copy it. I want to center in his journey, how he changeds his personality and how Celestia and his family will manage to bring him back. that's it. if in the end it doesn't work, I'll just leave this story and focus all my attention in "Friendship is life".
6239640 I promise I will try to improve and edit it again the best I can, I hope to change your mind in the future if you are up to give it a second chance.
6239912 . . . . Damn! good point, It really doesn't have sense isn't it?
(Ok, already edited all you what you pointed, thank you very much, you are helping me a lot)
6239693 And sorry for the grammar, I thought I had improved since my first story, I guess I didn't Improve very much, one more time. . . I'm sorry.
is the next season out yet?
6240362 I want to see if the story is accepted and will writte it. and according of how it's going now, I say. . . I will start to writte it tonight.
This story is amazing! I'm hooked can't wait for season two! Also if you need and editor I would be happy to help. Again, this story is awesome!
This this story is amazing! It's a little rushed. But if you need a editor for the grimmer misshaps I would gladly help. And again I love this story! Can't wait for the next season!
This seems like one of those fics that's trying way too hard to make me cry by the end.
Either way, if the whole of this story's premise is just Cely getting a human baby to look after all reverse MLD style, then I'm out.
6239640
Slightly off topic, but Elric, it seems like you mostly focus on grammar based criticism. Is that just coincidence, or do you prefer focusing on grammatical stuff for any reason?
6241345 Thankyou very much, I really apreciate the help, if you can help me with some edition, that would be great. I'll let you know when the next chapters are ready, It may take some days since I still don't know if posting them one by one or the entire season like the first.
6241388 A really valid point, thanks for the comment, to be honest I didn't want to make another MLD reversed, the premise of my story is not that original, Cely has a baby, she raises him but lost him later, he returns but doesn't remember her, and go on, we have seen it lots of times but is what I choose to work with, I hope you liked the story, if not, I hope to change your mind in the future.
6241388
It's because in this case, I wanted to concentrate on the most egregious offense; those run-on sentences hurt to read. Had I felt like sticking around for a longer comment, I definitely could have spent some time on the unoriginality of the overall concept.
6240362 In a couple of weeks, I'm still deciding if posting the entire season or one by one.
6241726 When your making the first part of a story you can take as much time as you like but since you have people waiting for the sequel it's best to post chapter by chapter at least IMO
6241751 Thanks for the advice and believe it or not, my best advisor told me the same thing, IT'S DECIDED, TONIGHT I START WRITTING THE SEQUEL, I may have the first chapter ready in a few days. Thanks again.
6241677
Well, if I'm being perfectly honest, doesn't sound like my bag. I'm not a big fan of fics that try to tug my heart strings (mainly because most fiction from TV to novels that tries to do that fails to for me), and this just doesn't seem like something I'd be into, so I'd rather not waste both of our time reading and reviewing something so far outside my genre.
Still, you earn points in my book for being honest and humble about your fic. I wish you success, lad/lass, and anytime you need advice or conversation, come to the one and only King of Pirates.
6241700
Makes sense, but I was talking more about in general. We've often drawn from the same sources for stories to critique, so I've run into you a lot in comments sections. You generally seem to comment more about grammar than anything else, so I was just curious if you did it consciously.
6241861
Sometimes it's a case of "If I talk about everything that's wrong, I'll be here all day," so I grab something easy to point out quickly. Also, if their technical skills are lacking, it doesn't matter how good the content is -- it's still going to come off as terrible overall. And then there's also a factor of not understanding how and why people get these things so frequently, blatantly wrong. See the section on "Poor Technical Skills" in this blog entry for a little more insight.
6241861 Thanks Mr Pirate King.
P.S. You should be thinking about changing your name or Monkey D. Luffy will come to try to kick your butt. hahahahahaha. . . .
I know, I know, what a crappy joke.
6241921
He can try.
After all, I'd be more afraid of Edward Kenway.
6241885
I can see your point. I've always told people when I mentor them that presentation is half of a viewers opinion. And I mean, really, it's always so much more frustrating when good concepts are wasted with bad execution than vice versa.
6242230 Thanks for pointing it, I'll change it now.
6241769 Now mind you there are still options. Option one is to make a schedule this allows you to make a buffer just in case option 2 is to post as you finish a chapter. I did have a complaint in chapter 1 however when since the Titanic have there ever been not enough lifeboats and when has there ever not been a women and children first rule?
6242287 Fair enough but remember it says that many boats were ruined with the explotions.
6242325 Skimmed over the explosions part I guess still have the women and children first only other complaint I'd have is to have "X Years later" but I guess you saying the characters age is suppose to be our "X Years later" correct?
6242361 Yes, I used the diaries POV as a time skip
6242559 You think so? Sunny Bright sounds better? but If I do that, they should call him Sunny instead of Bright. and to be honest I like Bright more.
6242579 when is the next season?
6244457 Agreed, sorry, I will try to edit it later as I am getting more experience. thanks for the advice.
Sorry to be harsh but more now I demand
it
6245419 Hahahaha, thanks, patience my friend, more is comming, just a few days.
alright now that I've finished reading it.....I'll stick around a bit longer.
but don't fuck it up or I'll be on you faster than you can say literally
6246715 I'll do my best, I have two excellent pro readers now, one of them will be kind enough to help me with some editions. thanks for the chance.
I think Bright is actually suffering from amnesia. He seems to be at least, given the fact that he doesn't remember Twilight's parents but they're in his dreams.
Although I've read a lot of stories similar to this, I wont deny the fact that this is one simple yet cozy story. I can't wait for the next chapter and keep up the good work :)
This story is awesome i sure hope there new chapter coming cause this strike my favorite list and i like this story alot i do hope he not a jerk now or an ass or something mean
6250328 i want to read more story like this can you give me the name of the story please
6260127 you mean more stories like this? from others authors?
6261525 yea just to past the time until you update a new chapter cause i like story like celestia is your mother and cadance is your best friend maybe lover in the future or best friends with twilight and lover in the future either way works for i always love fanfiction with romance and comedy ect but my favorite will always be a human was adopted by celestia and the human is the future lover for candance i love that so if you got story from other authors please notify me i want to read it until you update a chapter cause your stories always seems so fun to read anc awesome how you draw the scene from the story thats freaking legit so keep it up your awesome work cause now you have a supported here x)
6261570 Ok, well, my three favorites are
The tales of prince Onix
My son, my soldier, my hero
the elder brother
but be warned, the tales of prince only has already ended and it has a sequel, but the author updates very slowly,
my son, my soldier my hero updates very low too, not to mention the elder brother, today the author updated after about 5 months.
I really love this story but giving him amnesia.....
i don't know yet i'll read season to before i say something about this story.
for now take my tracking and fav.
Do you realise that Bright's height at 18 years old is impossible if you consider his height at 10? A fully grown man cannot be pretty much double the height he was when he was 10.
6321520 hmmm, interesting, sooo, compared to Celestia, how much do you think his height is? to use it in future draws.
6323116 At the age of ten (average height is 4 foot 10 inches) Bright is shorter than the average mare which would make them around 5 feet tall and that would make Celestia around 8 foot tall. You can make Bright what height you want as long as it's believable (the average white American man is 5 foot 10 inches). Also, I wanted to commend you on taking my criticism so well; most writers don't take it so well... Stay classy
for some reason the protagonist at the end reminded me a little of the Quinari
I look forward to the second season
greetings and good luck
6335066 Good point.