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Cocainum!

Zebrican Salt Flats

Zebrica

10:12 am Panauan/local time

11/07/10

Rico had been driving for almost two and a half hours and it was the worst driving experience of his life, no pedestrians who would try and cross the street at the last possible moment, only to end up mashed into the asphalt. No military cars that would clip a lamppost and then spontaneously combust, like they were made of of explodium.

The Salt Flats were pretty featureless, just long open expanses of dusty plains, large sandstone boulders were sparsely placed breaking up the Salt Flats overall emptiness. To the south low lying hills covered in lush jungles created a picturesque background . The occasional animal skull crushed under the wheel, would break up the long periods of nothing. Rico turned it into a game currently his score was 42 skulls, 6 small animals and one buffalo, most of the buffalo was still splattered across the car.

As Rico began to get further south, he began to notice large limestone ruins that were scattered across the desert. Maybe a city stood here once? The thoughts of a city being in the middle of this desolate wasteland caused Rico’s mind to wander and sent the majority of the buffalo’s carcass flying away after he clipped a large limestone rock, leaving a large red smear across the hood of the car. Rico began to get closer to the thick jungle, his proximity to the jungle allowed him to see things that not many would have seen before, such as a narrow path snaking its way into the jungle, turning the steering wheel in his hands Rico decided to follow the path deep into the overgrown foliage. The path was long and winding, causing Rico to have many “close calls” with the ancient vine covered trees.

After about half an hour of driving Rico arrived at a small village, the first thing Rico noticed was the village was the canvas teepees and wooden huts were constructed in a circular pattern around a large bonfire and a stone totem pole stood in the centre of the fire. Many of the inhabitants came out of their homes to see this “Magic Carriage”.

Rico opened the MV V880’s door and climbed out, slamming the door behind himself. He suddenly found himself surrounded by a group of incredibly angry zebras and buffalos, all pointing swords and an assortment of crude firearms at him.

“Ah you must be the Scorpion. I have heard many great things about you.” A masculine voice with a thick Kenyan accent called out. Rico turned to face them. In front of Rico stood a zebra.

On top of his head sat a striped mohawk, his green eyes studying Rico’s every movement. Large chains of ammunition were draped across his shoulders. A pair of cylindrical, water cooled machine guns sat on his back, both machine guns were connected by loop of rope that hung in front of the zebra’s mouth.

“Yes and you are...” Rico led on.

“I’m Warlord Wolfsbane, leader of the Dead Hoof gang.” The muscular Zebra replied, “Welcome to our base of operations.” He gestured for Rico to follow him.

“From here we control 83% of Equestria’s illegal substance industry.” Rico watched as a pair of Zebras ground up small blue flowers into a fine white powder before mixing it with cutting it up into small doses and using other chemicals as substitutes.

“So you deal drugs?” Rico questioned.

“Drugs?, drugs are only a small part of this massive industry. Alchemy and spells are where the real money is.” the warlord replied, trying to show Rico the benefits of his shady deals, “Example Celestia’s government banned the culling of Hydras, like the one you killed...”

“How did you know about that?” Rico’s hand went for his revolver but he didn’t draw...not yet.

“An organisation of this size has many eyes, Scorpion.” Wolfsbane cryptically replied, but Rico knew what he meant. The Tunnel Rats have a leak.

The warlord continued, “So that their scales could not be used in the production of armor and defensive potions. But it’s getting the “products” to buyers where you come in, I need you to deliver this.” Wolfsbane went inside one of the many teepees and returned with a large burlap sack in his his maw and passed it to Rico. “I need you to take it to the old abandoned castle in the Everfree Forest. That’s where the dealer will be waiting, don’t worry about payment, he has already paid for this shipment.”

“Fair enough.”Rico took the bag in his hand and began to return to MV V880.

He clambered back into the MV V880’s front seat, slamming the door behind himself. The keys were still where he left them. In the ignition.

Rico floored the accelerator and blasted down the dusty path towards the ancient castle. But Rico still had one problem. How was he going to get past Fluttershy’s cottage without her noticing. “Meh, I’ll think of something.”

After driving across the desert at a hundred miles an hour. Rico found himself back across the border and in Equestria. But he had no idea where he was in Equestria. Currently he was sitting at a T- junction on dirt road unsure where to go. “When in doubt, ask mysterious benefactor.” Rico pulled out his PDA and sent H.P. a very simple message:

“Lost. Help.”

H.P’s response was instantaneous.

“I’ll update your PDA with Ponyville’s coordinates.”

Rico spun the MV V880 on the dirt track before thundering down the left road towards Ponyville.

Ponyville

Equestria

12:10 a.m. Panauan/local time

11/07/10

Rico came to a stop on top of a low lying hill just to the south of Ponyville. After stopping the MV V880 Rico leapt from the vehicle to plan his next move. Realising that aircraft would be far too obvious Rico opted for a stealthier approach but first what to do with the jeep?

Rico pulled out a stick of plastic explosive and stuck it to the car, before running behind a tree and flicking the switch on the detonator. The jeep ignited in spectacular fireball, sending shrapnel whizzing through the air.

After the explosion Rico came out from behind the tree and his eyes fell upon a barrel that was conveniently now placed beside the charred remains of the MV V880.

“Scootaloo why is that barrel moving by itself?” Applebloom continued to watch the mysterious barrel until it disappeared from sight.

“Why did you think I’d know?” Scootaloo replied, who was now also watching the barrel.

“Maybe somepony is hiding in it?” Sweetie Belle interjected.

“But that would be as stupid as hiding in a cardboard box.” Scootaloo countered.

“We should follow it. Maybe we could get our Cutie marks from it.” AppleBloom stated.

“Cutie mark crusaders barrel followers!” They all shouted in unison.

The three fillies jumped up and then ran after the strange barrel. The barrel continued to hobble away with Rico inside.

The barrel didn’t seem to have a destination it just continued past sugar cube corner, past the library and it kept on going out of Ponyville, undeterred the fillies followed the barrel until it stopped just outside the Everfree Forest.

“Shit, they’re still following me.” Rico began looking for something he could use to escape inside the confines of the wooden barrel. Rico grabbed his air propulsion gun and turned it down.

With a earthshaking whoosh the barrel took off. The barrel and Rico soared through air for a few moments before gravity returned sending him plummeting towards the Everfree Forest, leaving the Cutie Mark Crusaders with their jaws on the floor.

“I wasn’t expecting that.” Applebloom mumbled.

“Neither was I.” Sweetie Belle replied.

“That. Was. Awesome!” Scootaloo shouted.

Rico continued to soar with the barrel towards the castle. Through the slit Rico cut in the barrel he could see the derelict castle getting closer and closer as his barrel continued to fall. The barrel slammed into one of the castle’s ivy covered pillars causing the barrel to explode in a shower of splinters. Rico flew across the castle directly towards the buyer.

With a flip, Rico landed on the ground directly in front of the buyer, who was unmoved by Rico’s entrance. The buyer was a hooded grey unicorn stallion, “So is this the stuff?” the unicorn asked as Rico produced the sack.

“Yes.” Just as Rico handed him the burlap sack the unicorn slapped a pair of shackles on Rico’s arm and then the grey unicorn flicked his hood back to reveal a gold helmet underneath and began as dozens of other guards brandishing swords and bows emerged from the tree line surrounding the ancient ruin,

“You are under arrest for possession of illegal substances and the trading of contraband...”

Rico cut him off, “No, it wasn’t me it was the one armed man.”

“Save it for the judge...wait what.” Using the guards momentary confusion, Rico blew the guards away, literally Rico fired his air propulsion gun at the guards sending them comically pinwheeling back into the forest. Using the guards’ confusion to his advantage, Rico ran. Realizing what happened the guards immediately began pursuing Rico, the ones with bows fired arrows in a futile attempt to stop Rico.

(Begin chase music now)

“Halt criminal scum!” One guard shouted.

“Don’t make me run, I’ll get all sweaty.” Another guard moaned.

Rico continued to run down the muddy path towards the forest’s exit, with the guards still trying to make the arrest. Rico could see the light at the exit of the Everfree Forest, he started to run faster to try and increase the gap between himself and the royal guards.

Panting, Rico leapt from the Everfree Forest. The guards still hadn’t caught up, so he immediately started to look for somewhere to hide. Rico another conviently placed wooden barrel.

Rico darted towards Fluttershy’s cottage, he leaped over the bridge and ran up to the barrel. The wooden barrel had “Apples” stamped on the side of it in Blocky red text.

“Fluttershy eats like a horse.” Rico laughed aloud at his own awful pun. Rico quicky checked the barrel was empty before he turned it upside down and pulled it down over his head.

Rico sat inside the barrel and waited for the guards to leave the forest.

“Where’d he go?” Rico heard a guard ask.

“Lets try that house, see if they saw anything.” Another answered.

“Shit, hopefully they won’t check the barrel, no one ever checks the barrels. Right?” Rico could hear the distinct “clops” of the guards hoofs as they marched towards Fluttershy’s cottage. The guards stood beside the barrel Rico was currently residing, one guard hammered on the door.

“Anypony home? It’s the Royal Guard, we just need to ask you some questions.” The guard knocked again.

“Come on, no pony’s in. We should try in town, see if they saw anything.” The two guards left and headed towards Ponyville.

“Now I have to go and help the Eagle Claw... shit.” Rico leaned back inside the barrel and cracked his head on the inside, “Fuck, my head.”

“Hey what was that?” the guards stopped and began to search for the source of the sound.

“Aw shit.” Rico sat up and stretched his legs. The guards returned to beside the barrel and one of them decided to lean on the barrel.

Rico jumped up and ran, barrel still over his head. The guard that was leaning on the barrel was sent flying.

“GET THAT BARREL!” The guard who was sent flying shrieked.

Rico couldn’t see where he was going but it didn’t matter, he couldn’t let himself get caught. Rico kept running until his lack of sight caused him to run straight into a tree, destroying the barrel.

“It was him I knew it!” a guard shouted.

The chase continued into Ponyville, Rico started dodging in and out of back streets with dozens of guards still hot on his heels. The street was blocked with carts, Rico having no choice leapt in the air and slid across one of the carts before landing on the other side. The guards on the other hand began moving the carts to get through to Rico.

Rico kept running, knowing the guards were delayed, he immediately started to look for somewhere to hide. The first building he spotted was a large hollow tree, he peered in the window he noticed it appeared to be some sort of library. He could hear the guards calling out to one another.

(End chase music now)

The guards’ shouts were getting louder, Rico knew he didn’t have much time. Rico grabbed the front door handle and threw the door open.

Rico chucked himself inside and slammed the door behind himself. Rico turned and saw a very confused looking Twilight, standing beside Twilight was an equally confused looking lizard thing. Rico turned to look out the window again just as the guards ran past.

“Er... Rico what are you doing? And why are you in shackles?”

Author's Notes
Will Rico tell Twilight the truth? What ridiculous task will the Eagle Claw have Rico do? And where did all those barrels come from?
Find out next time!
Also I'd like to thank MajorWheat for pre-reading/editing this chapter.
- Tisbutascratch

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