• Published 22nd Jul 2015
  • 1,287 Views, 121 Comments

The Great Moose Census of 1001 - shortskirtsandexplosions



Agent Sweetie Drops must perform the Equestrian Moose Census at all costs... even if it means her sanity.

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Thirteen Moose

Some more years later...


Dark clouds and errant lightning bolts lingered over a hellish urban wasteland.

Swing sets drifted back and forth idly in a cold wind, creaking with haunting melodies.

Charred black playground equipment loomed in the shadows of bombed out buildings...

And then, in the first time in forever, a curious flash of light... and color.

P-POWWW!

A lavender unicorn appeared out of nowhere in mid-gallop. She slid to a stop, rubbing her skull.

"Euuughhh..." Shaking her head, Twilight Sparkle stood up straight, teeth clenched. "Alright, Nightmare Moon! You're done for as soon as I shoot the Elements with... a... spark..." She blinked awkwardly, looking all around. "Uhhhh... hello?"

Cold winds howled over the deathscape. A lifeless tumbleweed rolled by, colliding coldly with a rusted chain-linked fence and then dwindling over the crumpled horizon.

"Uhhm... Nightmare Moon?" Twilight blinked. "Girls?" She blinked again. "This isn't the Ancient Castle of the Two Royal Pony Sisters. Just how far did I teleport?" She tapped her chin in thought. "Hmmmmm... that... was a teleportation spell that I just cast, right? After all, that primary magical component scroll was marked 'T' for 'transport.' There's no way it could have stood for... for..." Her ears folded as her pupils shrank. "... ... ...'time.'"

She heard the cacophonous creaking of metal joints and she looked up.

"TARGET ACQUIRED! SEVEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-SECOND LAVENDER EQUINE TO HAVE ARRIVED AT THIS DESTINATION VIA REVERSE CHRONOTON PARTICLES!" WHURRRRRRRR-CL-CLANK! "COMMENCING WITH EXTERMINATION PROCEDURES"

Twilight's body deflated in a growing shadow. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww poop."

WHUDDDD! A giant metal moose hoof crushed her to a crimson pulp. "TARGET NEUTRALIZED, ORGANO-HOSER!"

Author's Note:
Comments ( 38 )

Goddammit, Skirts.

Pancreas! This shee-yut got serious dayum quick! That lil' Twisty bitch sure knows how to spew fart magic!

And here I thought those moose gifs were just for the sake of moose gifs.

I half expect to see a cameo of a certain moose in this...maybe several.

Is there going to be a squirrel involved in this fic as well?

Hmm... I'll take, "Reasons Short Skirts Should Not Eat Chili After 9:00PM" for $400, Alex.

How many moose?
Too many moose.
I love it.

Ri2

wtf

I was hoping that this was the in-verse propaganda movie Red Heart was talking about but with that ending...

(0-0)

I loved it though.

Brilliant. Full-circle brilliant. :rainbowlaugh:

6234041
You might want to consult the tags:

Gore Dark Comedy Random

The story is a black comedy about people getting killed by moose while trying to count them.

6234042
FYI, SS&E actually asked me if it was okay for him to write this fic via PM. If you saw this in your feed, it is because you are following SS&E yourself - sequels, as far as I know, only show up in your feed if they're written by the original author, nor do they show up in the sidebar of the original story unless they're written by the same person.

I don't hate SS&E. Heck, I even made a blog post about this story's existence.

Recursive fanfiction is a thing (heck, a thing I've sort of engaged in previously), even if the story in question isn't my kind of thing. How am I supposed to tell someone that they're NOT allowed to write a silly story about a moose census which is mentioned as an off-hand joke in the cover art of my story?

Besides, I'm pretty sure that the idea of SS&E (follower count: 4,997) riding on my coattails (follower count: 687) is a little bit silly. Though it is terribly flattering of you to think so. :heart:

6234128
It's alright.

And huh. Crazy.

6233870 Why aren't the nights ever stormy and dark?

Or slightly-overcast-with-a-few-patches-of-moonlight?

The Groose Moose is on the Loose

Well then.

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry after reading...whatever that was.

SEVEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-SECOND LAVENDER EQUINE TO HAVE ARRIVED AT THIS DESTINATION VIA REVERSE CHRONOTON PARTICLES!

792? Ah, so each and every teleportation is fatal.

And so the moose tightens around Equestria's throat.

6234936

Spicy food right before bedtime is a recipe for really weird dreams.:raritywink:

Well, we were definitely promised a moose...

...or several.

6234980 To be fair, that was France, back when the US was a fledgling country and France was one of the largest military powers in the world. :unsuresweetie:

I read this whole thing and I'm still not sure what the fuck just happened.

I mean intellectually I know.

But spiritually, I just...I can't even.

This crackfic ought to be tagged crossover with all the movies you had in there.

I... I don't... I can't... even...
What.
pahnazd.exe has stopped working

Well. That happened. I must express my reaction in the words of one far wiser than I:

It's like an entire army of sci-fi movies.

Only with mooses. And Bon Bon. And at least three stolen warehouses of Michael Bay special effects.

But mostly moose.

I do not know what I expected.

It is finished. I actually quite liked this. Oodles of dark humour (the best kind of humour), packed with references that were hilarious, cheesy, and/or hilariously cheesy, and all of this topped off with more than enough wildly-over-the-top action to satiate my lust for now.
Fucking right good fic there, eh bud?

May the moose be with you.

Skirts, y'all are cra-zy.

Equinity could never win against the antlered menace.

Well, that's about twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back. :applejackunsure:

That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. And considering some of the other stories you've written, that's saying something. Never change, Skirts.

...I'm so confused.

When I started reading this, I thought it was going to be funny. But for some reason, it actually made me depressed. Like, it's the most depressing story I've read on here. More depressing than Cheerilee's Garden or any other SS&E story I've read.

I really loved this. You're amazing at this kind of stuff. So funny. Watch Rick and Morty already, jeez.

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