• Member Since 24th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

GreyGuardPony


Just a simple pegasister who likes world building.


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Naqah, the land of camels and their elemental jinn. Among the thousand stories, told and retold in the markets and coffee houses of the land, is one of a bottled army made of smoke and fire forged in ages long past.

But now that civil war wracks the country, a new story is on the lips of Naqah's citizens. A tale of a mad solar alicorn that searches the mountains, plains and deserts of Naqah for the bottled army as part of her bid to overthrow Equestria. Corona, the Tyrant Sun.

Now Trixie Lulamoon, Element of Magic and her fellow Element Bearers must plunge into a nation far from home, in an attempt to deny Corona another tool in her arsenal to unleash against their homeland.

A Lunaverse story set in the Spring of Season 2.

Cover art by Multiversecruise

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 75 )

OH, great. She's messing around in the Middle East. Nothing good will come of it.

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Never get involved in a land war in Haysia.

6215970 Otherwise, the end result is My Little Blowback.....

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My Little Pony: Friendship is a Geopolitical Quagmire!

As I'm sure I said, I own a copy of The Arabian Nights, so I really enjoy that this fic delves into Turkic/Arabic myth and legend.

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Yeah, it's fun to wander outside the usual bits of European fantasy at times. And it's not like Middle Eastern themed fantasy ideas get used all that often, so it was a nice change of pace.

Corona allied with someone who has some real military power should be interesting, even if just a rebellion so far.

Great setting, too. You don't see a lot of Arabian-influenced pony fanfic.

Okay you, I like the story premises. But why may I ask you did you include the most difficult language in the world? I'm speaking about Dutch which is my native language. And I tell you one thing I'm better at writing in English then in Dutch. Why? Because my language has so many irregularities in grammar, spelling and even in its word structure.

How did this came to be? Well my nation have always been traders at hart we went around the entire globe selling and buying goods. The big difference with other European powers we never forced our culture to other nations. We weren't like Spanish Inquisition whom conquered and pillaged America while enforcing Christianity on the natives. Instead we respected other cultures and only desired their trade goods. Heck we were the only nation which Japan even allowed to have trade post on their soil for several centuries while other nations were refused because Japan feared their culture might otherwise been defiled with foreign ideas.

So my nation was exposed to many foreign ideas and these actually embedded into our own culture and into our language. That's why Dutch is so hard to master. It's a mixed bag of languages from many nations. I will not go with the pronunciation of the words. Because my language compared to English and French is a hard language like your constantly with a sore throat. (A trick English diplomats did was coughing for 15 minutes straight so that their throats became sore enough that they could pronounce some of the Dutch words. XD )

Anyway let me help you.

Groeten, vrienden! Hoe kan ik u helpen vandaag?”

“Greetings, friends,” she tried again, switching to a clipped Equestrian. “How may I help this day?

1st the correct way to write the line is. "Gegroet, vrienden! Hoe kan ik u helpen vandaag?"
2nd That's weird way for a dutch trader to greet costumers. We tend to be a bit more formal. Like a real Dutch trader would have said. "Gegroet dames, hoe kan ik u van dienst zijn." ~ "Greetings ladies, how can I be of service?"

But the 2nd is actually more a culture nitpick I think. :twilightsheepish:

Now lets go to the next dutch word you actually wrote in correctly.

"Paardveld"

My guess is that you mean "Horse Field" in that case it's actually written "Paardenveld"

If you have more lines which you desire to be written in correct dutch please PM me those lines and I will properly translated them for you. Though be warned even I struggle with my native language. :twilightblush:

Now back to the chapter itself I really like it though, I'm also a bit annoyed because the story contains so many spoilers what isn't written yet. Especially from the contest of champions. You kinda spoiled that the L6 will win it and that Trixie will get hurt. Those are some major spoilers which I really wished I hadn't learned about yet. :fluttercry:

Beyond the spoilers and my language being raped. I really do love the story, the build up, the pacing is all great. So keep on the good work. So far I'm not yet invested in the new characters that have been introduced but that is something not expected from a 1st chapter. But the L6 are very enjoyable with their dialogue and actions. :raritystarry:

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Oh, that's cool! I had no idea you were Dutch. Thanks for the heads up on those lines. I'll readily admit that for most of the foreign tongues in my fics I rely on Google Translate and call it a day. :twilightblush: On Paardveld though, I took that straight from the map of the Lunaverse, so I'll probably leave it as is for now. Most country names do seem to kind of be drifts from a base word anyway, so that can add to the verisimilitude. Which is a fun word to say. Verisimilitude! :pinkiehappy:

Sorry for the spoilers on Contest though. I kind of debated holding back releasing this one till Vex finished his fic, but there had been a large drought on content coming from my account that I wanted to stop. Still, I am sorry about having those spoilers in the story.

Glad that you are enjoying it though!

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Sorry for the spoilers on Contest though. I kind of debated holding back releasing this one till Vex finished his fic, but there had been a large drought on content coming from my account that I wanted to stop. Still, I am sorry about having those spoilers in the story.

Glad that you are enjoying it though!

Actually I'm surprised you started with this story while you still need to finish your other story " A Tale of Two Trixies" which also partially takes place in the Lunaverse. I was really enjoying that story I do hope you will continue working on it as well. :twilightsmile:

...the tulip craze....

Is it just coincidence or did you do it on purpose to add this little Dutch history in your story? Considering your using my native language in this story. What I'm saying is that "The Tulip Craze." was a real event in the Dutch history. There was a moment in Dutch history that 9 black tulips were worth an entire farm and its entire life stock. Yeah I doubt there is any other nation whom could say they once had created a flower species that eventually became more worth then gold and even later created an economic crisis with it. :facehoof:

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Well, I had actually started writing this one not too long after I started a Tale of Two Trixies. I just didn't post it at the time, because it wasn't done and I've started far too many fics right now. My current plan is not to start anything else new until I clear down my current round of started fics.

The reference to the Tulip Craze was a quite intentional reference. It's one of those little random incidents in history that makes me chuckle because of how absolutely insane it sounds when you go back and look at it. And the ability to kind of tie the pony tendency to eat flowers into it made me smile. :pinkiehappy:

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The reference to the Tulip Craze was a quite intentional reference. It's one of those little random incidents in history that makes me chuckle because of how absolutely insane it sounds when you go back and look at it. And the ability to kind of tie the pony tendency to eat flowers into it made me smile

To this I only have to say.... Well played my sir, will played. :moustache:

This was a fantastic opening chapter, we got to see plenty of different locales, receives some fantastic descriptions, got cool cultural exposition for multiple places (great work on the West I love it) and kicked off an extremely interesting and high end plot. All of it flowed naturally together without feeling jarred, rushed or cumbersome and was just generally really fun to read.

Awesome work, best of luck with the next update!

Also:

“Raindrops and I will check out the saloon!” Trixie declared, grabbing the aforementioned pegasus and sweeping off with her.

All of my yes! :pinkiehappy:

Those darn dragons, always hoarding significant religious and historical artifacts for their own material wealth!

I liked this chapter. It was neat to see how it evolved from the first draft you had posted on the writing workshop.

Also digging that Cheerilee made such a ballsy move, forcing Yangin to help them against her will. That's gonna be an interesting conflict.

Wonder how others will react to the morally ambiguous actions of Cheerilee here.

I actually like her being the practical one...

Great. Weirdness and moral ambiguity. It's an episode of the Venture Brothers.

Well if you didn't want you book to be stolen by a dragon you shouldn't have left it in a place it could get stolen or been strong enough to protect it :twilightblush: any way all dragons know that the whole world should belong to them its just unfortunate that lesser races happen to live in some of it.

Anyway nice appearance of terry, it might be fun if terry actually means something unflattering in griffish :pinkiehappy:

I'm starting to like this story more and more. Cheerilee really stole the spotlights in this chapter. I love Yangin sarcastic personality. Also I noticed again with call backs to other stories. Only this time you did it correct in my book. You gave both mentions to other dimensions and Twilight attempt. But you kept the vague enough that only those whom read the stories know what your referring too. That is how call back are done correctly. You connect your story with previous events without spoiling the story for your readers whom still have to read them or stories that still have their ending needed to be finished. You did a very good job here. Have a muffin. :derpytongue2:

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When in doubt, Trixie can always count on booze!

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You have Emeral to thank for giving me the idea of Cheerilee going for the pragmatic decision of forcing Yangin to come. It solved a few problems that existed in the fic before hand.

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Oh, that is totally going to come up.

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Go team pony!

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I'll admit, the main reason I have Terrorwing getting so bent out of shape over the Terry nickname is because the first person we hear use that name is Gilda. I figured it was a lot like the "Dropsy" moniker she stuck Raindrops with.

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Thanks!

Mmmmm. Muffins.

I do love the portrayal of ghuls in this.

Also,

“We met him,” Ditzy said.

At some point the ponies will realize that they're basically superheroes. That'll be a fun day.

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Thanks RDD!

I too look forward to seeing the day when they suddenly realize just how insane their lives are now. :pinkiehappy:

Oh, goody. It's Orc-whupping time. Also, it's nice to see that someone is looking ahead to the inevitable big, stupid wish of being a power-hungry loon.

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Yangin is rather cynical when it comes to the whole idea of mortals using jinn power responsibly.

Really, really cynical.

6270297 She's got company....wall-eyed company.

The Ghuls remind me much of warhammer fantasy ghouls. Except they seem to be more vulture like. Never the less I enjoy their introduction in the world. :twilightsmile:

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Actually, the bit I drew from Warhammer Fantasy with the ghuls was the Skaven. The verbal tick for repeating words that they want to emphasize comes straight from them, for example. Though, the flesh eating and death iconography is a bit more in line with the Warhammer ghouls I'll admit.

Her light brown coat had given way to one the color of polished brass, almost giving her the appearance of some statue come to life. But it was the change to her mane and tail that sent involuntary shudders through Raindrop’s body, a sensation that she was sure her friends shared. They were now flickering, animate fire, so much resembling Corona’s. Eyes lit up with fury, she had one hoof extended towards the fallen anklet.

Now that's an interesting development. She's a jinn?

Cheerilee didn’t take her eyes off of Yangin, a half frown, half wince settling on her muzzle. Raindrops and Lyra frowned, both equally unsure what their friend was thinking. But the answer to that became obvious when Cheerilee calmly, almost with a sense of resignation, snapped the anklet around her fetlock.
“Take us to it.”

Holy crap, Cheerilee, I kind of can't believe you did that.

I guess this will be the counter example for Yangin, the first master who will (presumably) let her go.

So the salamanders are stone swimmers? Could they spring up under someone with basically zero warning? That seems really dangerous if true.

There's a few things borrowed from the history of Islam with The Prophet in this fic. There's almost a Sunni/Shia kind of split between Naqah and the other camel nations, that all came down to different interpretations of his writings on Harmony post his death. A situation made all the worst by the fact his original tome is currently in the claws of a dragon, so no one can go and check it.

Would that be the librarian dragon recently revealed in Climbing the Mountain 2 to have been sleeping in Nulpar for the last few centuries? Given that Max is working with her to establish her horde as a non-lending research library, it occurs to me that someone might actually be able to go check.

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I needed a nice deranged song for the ghuls there and the goblins from Pathfinder immediately sprang to mind. Those little bastards are nuts.

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Salamanders are kind of scary in general. They threatened to devour some of our heroines in their first appearance. Plus their bodies are that of large snakes, which I imagine are quite good at constricting people when they want too. Corona got herself some powerful minions with the Salamanders.

And yeah, I am referring to the librarian dragon that Baron Max has been talking too in Climbing the Mountain 2. She basically has the original quran sitting in her horde. Of course, I imagine that at this point the divisions have become severe enough that even with the book, the two factions wouldn't be racing to get back together.

Impressive land boat. Turns out enslaving a sapient jinn is both morally questionable and really quite effective. All things considered, I'm a little surprised about how upbeat Yangin is being about her situation. I suppose this simply is far from her first time on this rodeo.

“Then you have to know her intentions are good.”
“I know they are. I know that she’s thinking about all the ponies in Equestria that could suffer if Corona wins. But that’s exactly why I am very cynical about what Cheerilee will do in the end.”

And then there's that.

“Pffft. Of course not! Princess Luna is an alicorn and can be a mean drunk. She kicked my flank! ...Though I did manage to give her a black eye,” she finished with a grin.

Hahaha.

“You know what?” Clapping her hooves together, the ship vanished back into the earth from whence it came, dumping everypony to the ground in a jumble. “If you’re so damn sure you know more about what’s going on here than me, then you can just walk the rest of the way!”
While everyone scrambled back to their hooves Yangin continued her passive aggressive streak. Falling apart into crackling flames, she flowed into the depths of the anklet with another snort of derision.

Whoops.

I was really expecting that stone bridge experience to not go quite so smoothly.

One of the many boulders lining the mountain slopes began to unfold. Mottled greyness of stone was revealed to be coloration on the feathers of large, vulture like wings. Stretching wide, they uncovered a bipedal figure, perhaps a foot or so taller than a pony if it stood straight, rather than hunch over.

I can't quite decide if this ghul was positioned such that he would have seen the party going through either pass, or if he was specifically in the route that Yangin was advising against.

And there's the attack. These ghuls are going to be surprised once Cheerilee pulls out her sulking pocket jinn, not to mention everything else the party is capable of.

Yeah....Sunbutt McCrazypony. Also, Ditzy is best sensei.....

Tirek - the Lunaverse's Bigger Bad. If/when we ever get far enough down the line and involve him, stuff will get...interesting.

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Ditzy is awesome like that. :twilightsmile:

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Yeeeeeesssss. All of the plans! :pinkiehappy:

Well, it looks like someone's gonna have to rewrite this.

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Man....you're talking about one of my massive fandom dreams in seeing a Lunaverse version of that song. I kind of doubt that it'll ever happen...

But a writer can always dream. :twilightsmile:

Nice song for the ghuls. Now why does it sound so familiar? (<- Insert Sarcasm.)

Maybe because of this? In the dark of the night (MLP Version) :derpytongue2:

Anyway enjoyed the battle sequence so far, not the best open warfare fiction I have read so far but it's really good. That honour goes on fimfiction is the author SFaccountant with his iron heart series. He actually writes the perfect blend of serious and humour in his stories including the battle sequences. If you haven't read the his entire iron heart series I would strongly suggest it. :twilightsmile:

As for the story so far. I really enjoyed your greatest strength in your style of writing is making call back to previous stories. And again you did it great not giving to much detail away by spoiling the ending. Also adding Tireks known powers of magic draining from the main cannon was a nice addition to the story. Your good at world building. You really excel at that. So keep on the good work. :twilightsmile:

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Thanks Draco!

Tirek's magic draining from the main show turned out to click rather well with ghuls and their whole eating things nature. I consider that a happy little accident of writing. :twilightsmile:

I might have to give that fic a look though.

Well, she'll still come in handy when somepony loses a buttload of attitude and realizes that yes, she's been the problem all along. Good thing alicorns are optimistic by design....otherwise, the crap Corona did will give Celestia worry lines.

Dunya

Hmm...I kind of miss Dunya as being more manic, though I suppose this fits "earth" better than how crazy she was before. Her resentment and reasoning for turning on Yangin is also much clearer now.

Not part of the Equestrian hegemony, even their names seemed to change every few years, as governments changed and rearranged.

Ah, the Balkans. When the human race was young, people were killing each other in the Balkans. When the Romans took the entire Mediterranean basin as their own, people were killing each other in the Balkans. When the Turks and Austrians and Russians waxed strong, people were killing each other in the Balkans. When Europe was forging mighty empires, people were killing each other in the Balkans. When the human race dies out, people will be killing each other in the Balkans. And when our star grows cold and dies...people will still be killing each other in the Balkans.

The vistas are apparently quite beautiful, though.

“I should have looked harder! I...I thought she died during the rebellions! This is my fault!”

Most likely she didn't look precisely because she was afraid that Dunya might have been dead, and finding proof of that. Not being 100% certain gave her a way to hold out hope that she was alive.

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Well now I have read the end. Hmmm I'm starting to see patron here. Is by chance/fate/Discord doing a team being assembled to go on front against the Luna six? Lets see.

Zecora
Solrath
Terrorwing
Kindle
Bogucu Yangin

Only one more creature and Corona would have 6 heralds of her own against Luna's 6 elemental bearers. :ajsmug:

Anyway I loved this story. It had really great world building and I can't wait for that other story of yours to be continued as well. Always love Skitchverse Trixie combine that with Lunaverse Trixie is always an epic win in my books. :raritywink:

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I may or may not have added in characters that exist as morality pets for Corona. But I will not confirm any of that. No sir.

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Yeah, manic Dunya didn't really survive Emeral and I's intense editing process. This way does work better, though I will miss Lesson Zero jinn. :derpytongue2:

I did pretty much guess that those little kingdoms were the Lunaverse version of the Balkans the minute I saw them on the map. It just made sense. Glad that it didn't seem like I was wrong. You're not too far off on Yangin's motivations about her sibling, either.

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I doubt that it's going to be that one for one. The only thing that's keeping Yangin and Sorlath from being at each other's throats is the presence of Corona.

Greater/Elder jinn actively hate dragons. Being bound to trinkets made of precious metals and gems, and also being able to make precious metals and gems, they make very tempting targets to wind up in dragon hordes. And they react to dragons who try it, violently.

I got to thank Emeral Bookwise for helping me with this fic. He was really the driving force behind the Element Bearers having their conflict over Yangin, and how they clashed with each over it.

About time you gave me some credit... I tease of course. Seriously, however, I was glad to be of whatever help I could. I know that my often zealously nitpicky editing approach can make me a bit hard to work with at times, but I'd like to think the results usually pay off in the end.

I mean, if they didn't why would anyone put up with me... :twilightblush:

Anyway, I've been keeping tabs on this fic as you published it. Sorry for the lack further of commentary, but as with our previous work together on Past Remnantss, I pretty much already said just everything worth saying during the our extensive editing sessions.

Yeah, manic Dunya didn't really survive Emeral and I's intense editing process. This way does work better, though I will miss Lesson Zero jinn. :derpytongue2:

Hopefully you won't have to "miss" her forever. I'd still like to think that there's still potential to swing her back in that direction in a potential sequel that goes into more explicit depth on her twisted magical experiments.

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I think that nitpickery is one of the reasons you're good at editing. In both the fics we've basically worked together on, you've forced me to kill my sacred cows and take a second look at scenes and ideas, but also give good suggestions on where to take things.

You do have a good point about using her again though. I did write in a few Season 3 escape hatches for me to come back too, if I can't really get into the arc of Season 3.

Dang, that battle went south faster than I was expecting given the presence of Parlak and his soldiers. Cheerilee made a big mistake in not instantly pulling Yangin out of her bracelet to assist.

But there was a rush of warm air, followed by a burst of crackling flame that shot through the air with a dizzying burst of speed. Hitting the ground it roared high, reforming into Yangin. Her expression was grim, jaw set and brow furrowed in concentration.

Much better, though also quite a bit more late than would have been useful.

Inhaling deeply, Yangin squeezed her eyes closed and began to mutter to herself in Naqahn. Slowly, the sphere regained its even texture. She took a second deep breath, lightly running her hooves over the surface of the sphere, a shimmering sheen appearing where they traced. Whatever she had just done, it seemed to be the limit. With a cry, Yangin dropped the sphere of water onto Cheerilee, where it burst into a crashing wave of magic and water.

Now we're talking.

A temple of Tirek? Interesting.

Love this song battle, go Lyra!

She heard the whoosh of flame before she saw anything, the ghul flock was so thick. But then red, orange and yellow burst through the crowd, the resulting explosion sending multiple ghuls flying every direction, their feathers smoking from the intense heat of the magic. The sphere of flames plowed onwards, striking the floor with all the force of a thunderclap. As those flames faded away, the form of Yangin rose to her full height, mocking smirk in full force.

Aww yeah!

“And where is your god now?” She challenged with a mocking tone, forelegs spread wide.

That certainly makes the list of things never to say in a fight.

Magic absorption that's affecting Yangin? That's not good.

“I was assigned to be your guide and guard. If you are going to do something foolish, then it will be done with proper backup.”

Nice.

The ghul had opened his mouth again and Raindrops, preparing herself for a physical attack, yelped as her magic was struck at instead. Beating her wings like mad, she tried to pull away, only for them to go limp. Her cutie-mark was fading away, right before Yangin’s eyes. She struggled to raise a hoof, and send a jet of flame into that ghul’s stupid beaked face. But her magic wasn’t listening to her anymore.

Oh crap! Dangit, Tirek.

Nice firestorm, Yangin.

Hopefully that lasting magic drained issue is going to wear off, and quickly. This is a bad location to be for Raindrops and Cheerilee to be running on fumes.

These wild jinn, so weird. Leftover jinn from the city's destruction that have been crossbreeding and developing independent of camel control for the last 1500 years? The actual army of smoke and fire when they aren't serving as an army? If the former, that makes me wonder what they'll be like in another 1500 years, or 15,000. An actual race of natural born jinn?

A rogue jinn on the level of Yangin? And Grev showed up too? Party in the vault, apparently.

Gritting her teeth, Cheerilee saw only one option. Taking one hoof off the bottle, she slammed it down on Grev’s fetlock to hold it in place. With bottle pinned against the ground, she threw her head forward as hard as she could, aiming for the round and bulbous bottom. Stars exploded in her eyes to the shattering of glass, a few shards digging into her forehead.

Now that's using your head.

Cheerilee and Yangin’s heads whipped about about so fast that they threatened to detach from their necks. Kindle stood tall with a shiny new platinum addition to his golden armor.

Oh, crap.

Wait, so that's the end of the story? Yangin gets kidnapped again, but this time to go serve Corona? That's honestly kind of upsetting. I mean, I'm glad that the girls reconciled on the way back to Ponyville, but the overall events of this story really kind of sucked for Yangin.

That said, I do like that this was a pretty solid repudiation of the idea that the Luna Six can get away with protagonist centered morality, it's just sad to see someone other than one of them pay the cost for it.

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Just wait till you get to the Epilogue. I won't say that it fixes everything, but there is a little more to Yangin and Corona.

The creature it depicted was hunched over it’s leather like wings, almost like a bat, were hunched forward partially shielding its head. Brushing the dust away with a talon, he took in the glittering red eyes made from small rubies that peered past a long, thin beak. Blackwing snorted. Another worthless trinket.

I'm completely missing who this could be a reference to.

An anti-pirate campaign? That's always good clean fun.

“I will need time to consider this. We will revisit this decision next week. But, for now, I want the diplomatic corps to feel them out. See how willing they might be to join Naqah voluntarily. Now, leave me.”

Well, voluntary would be better than the alternative, and I have a feeling that the alternative would make certain other international players somewhat unhappy.

Pirinc closed his eyes in thought again. “Send a message to Princess Luna. Naqah will officially back Equestria in any current or future conflicts with the Tyrant Sun.”

Excellent. All by itself this new outcome of the trip to Naqah may overall make up for loosing Yangin to Corona.

As Parlak strode off to see his will done, Pirinc offered a mental prayer to the prophet. May this world see nothing worse than the likes of Corona.

:twilightoops:
Now that prayer is simply a bad idea.

I like Yangin's attitude.

Before she could react, Celestia found herself in the vice like grip of the jinn who was now sobbing. Celestia was frozen in place, eyes wide. For one of the few times in quite a long while, she didn’t know how to react. Yangin was neither afraid of her, nor interested in showing her the respect of her station.

:rainbowderp:

Vanishing out of her grip in a gust of wind, Yangin re-appeared across the room glaring at Celestia, anger and bitterness having replaced the sorrow.
“And this is where I learn to serve the solar throne? To kiss your golden shoes as some disposable minion?”

Ooooo, and she's no fool, too.

Drawing even with Yangin again, she placed the platinum anklet between the two of them.
“Bogucu Yangin...will you accept my friendship?”

Huh. Now that I did not see coming. That does indeed pull back my irritation at this development a little.

Okay, finally getting through my unread chapters and such. And this is, this is...

Pretty friggin' awesome. Great, evocative opener that really feels... real. You know? One typo I noticed, though:

The camels who had been serving them bowed a the signal

I think that's supposed to be 'at'.

other than that, excellent. Also, loved the tulip craze bit. I was just reading about that the other day. :rainbowlaugh:

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