• Member Since 24th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Wednesday

reflective vagrant


A closet brony trying his amateur hand at some artistic expression on the net. If you think one of my stories should be in a group you're already in, I'd be flattered. (or confused if it didn't fit)

E

She had tried to dismiss it as coincidence, that she's just learning healthy assertiveness and to not be a doormat. But she couldn't deny it anymore. Her friends told her that she was cured but she knew better. Her recent confidence boost wasn't from practice. It was the instincts of the monster still inside her, inching their way out. She knew this was something that she needed to address before it got out of control. The part that scared her the most was that she was starting to like it.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 11 )

Nice start but I think this story needs some resolution to the therapists reactions. Nice going though.

Has you know what came in?

Do you know what came in.

make certain she didn't miss anything

make sure she didn't miss anything

Alright Angel

Alright , Angel

Now Angel

Now, Angel

She had spied

She spied

the mail Ditsy

the mail, Ditsy

special delivery from Dinky!

Ditsy or Dinky?

We at the Institute of Medical Studies of Magical Influence

We, at the Institute of Medical Studies of Magical Influence,

This is for chapter one.

With her usual concentration face

'With her usual concentrated face' would be grammatically correct but I find it awkward. I think 'With a concentrated expression' would be better.

I'm sorry. I did this to you

Again, grammatically correct but I personally find it awkward. 'I'm sorry I did this to you' is better in my opinion.

embraced her depressed friend in a hug

That is redundant. 'Embraced her friend' is better.

grew a small yet sincere smile

'Grew' sounds awkward. Perhaps 'a small yet sincere smile graced her feminine features' would be better. Again, my opinion.

Well doctor

Well, doctor

No doctor

No, doctor

I knew she had to

I knew I had to

pinkie pie

Pinkie Pie

twilight's

Twilight's

How can you be sure doctor

How can you be sure, doctor

I might have been wrong or missed a few but this is what I could find. Of course, some of these are not even errors and it's just me being over particular.

6419321 it's a hint to another series of stories made by another artist, thus it is not my place to expand on it. I'm mildly surprised no one made a connection to the identity of the counselor as he is rather horse famous. And yes, I did communicate with the artist before making hints to his OC.

6419674 Thank you for the pointing out of errors. I'll look them over.

6419665
6419674
I'm finding some of your advice useful. I always had an odd way with words and a second opinion helps me get practice refining this.

but that said, there were a few things I didn't agree with, to put it lightly:

"special delivery from Dinky!"

Ditsy or Dinky?

Dinky, and you miss quoted me. I wrote "Special delivery from little Dinky!" in other words, she was delivering something her little Dinky made for the bird. I see no reason for the confusion.

graced her feminine features' would be better. Again, my opinion.

... this isn't a clop, or a romance. Neither is the situation needing to point out the fact that her features are feminine. I found this to be rudely inappropriate. But, I am glad you stated this was your opinion, thus I can recognize the spirit in which you gave it: possible suggestion. Otherwise it would have probably triggered a bit more than a small frustration rant.

6419794 ooh OK, I have only been on here for a couple of months. Can you pm me a link to his series?

Is he Dr. Jekyll or something?

7572907
I'll message you the answer. It pertains to a series made by a different MLP fan that I don't have the right to expand upon and only gave an acknowledging nod to. You're the second person to ask this and I was initially surprised others hadn't heard of it, given his relative fame among the community.

Did not expect to see Dr. Wolf in this, but I like it! And his lines here seem very fitting to his character. Well done.

8863906
(troll face.) I never expressly said it was Dr. Wolf... or even that it wasn't a pony. But yes, that's who I set it up to be. Though do be careful if you ever write your own story. Writing with other people's characters is a bit of a mine field if you dont get clearance with them first.

6419665

“Has you know what came in”? is correct as Fluttershy is asking if the package has arrived yet (which at that point it hasn’t).

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