Ashes

by Trick Question

Flame

Princess Celestia opened her eyes. "Ouch. I think I'm getting a migraine," she mumbled.

"You were unconscious for several minutes. I presume it will take time for the sheer quantity of memories you have locked away to coalesce into an accessible series of events," said Luna, gently brushing Celestia's cheek with an unshod hoof.

Celestia slowly sat up in bed and stared into space, a quizzical look on her face. "Right now I can remember... another four years, up through 8 Anno Solequus. That can't be all there is," she said, and winced as she placed a hoof to her temple. "Ah. No, wait a moment..."

Luna sat next to her sister, studying her face in silence. Celestia closed her eyes, and her face became a mask of intense concentration. A minute passed, then two.

Then her eyes opened wide and her jaw trembled.

"Celie?" asked Luna. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, oh no. Luna, I've... I've done something terrible," she whispered, and somehow, the snow-white pelt across her muzzle seemed even more pallid.

"All is forgiven, sister, no matter what it is," said Luna. The words came rapidly, and sounded well-rehearsed.

"This was a mistake," said Celestia, and her breathing quickened to the point of hyperventilation.

"Sister, listen to my voice. Whatever you did in the past, you are not that pony anymore," insisted Luna. She began to stroke against Celestia's back with her leg in a circular motion. Several tense minutes passed with Celestia saying nothing as Luna awkwardly rubbed her sister's withers.

Finally, Princess Celestia's body relaxed into the massaging. "I suppose you are right," she said, though her voice sounded like a pony defeated. "What's done is done, after all. At least now I know. I think I will need to keep seeing that therapist for a while, however."

Luna exhaled a large sigh of relief and dropped her leg to the bed. "Thank the Moon. Yes, yes, that is a most excellent idea," said Luna. "Now, Celie, you need not immediately tell us what troubles you about your memories. And I suppose you need not ever tell us, should it come to that. I am simply gratified that you are well, and I am certain that Twilight Sparkle will agree."

Celestia nodded gently and stood up on shaky legs, then walked over to Philomena's cage. She removed her shoe and offered the bird a hooftip through the bars, and Philomena grated the edges of her beak against it like a grindstone. "Not all of my memories were recoverable. Sadly, this includes my time spent with Twilight in the previous cycle," she said. "I hope she won't be too upset."

"That is unfortunate, but she will be fine," said Luna. She stood up and walked toward her sister, keeping just barely within a comfortable speaking distance.

"Luna, have I ever told you why I choose to keep a phoenix as a pet?" asked Celestia.

"I do not think so, but I believe I can chance a guess," said Luna. "You share much in common with the phoenix, both in form and personality—much as I do with Tiberius. Philomena is rare, bright, lithe, and beautiful. She shines like the Sun, and she is eternal in form. She has a calm and patient exterior, yet she is fiercely protective of those she loves. In all these ways she is not unlike my sister."

Princess Celestia blushed. "You flatter me, but yes, that is the general idea. Philomena and I share much in common," she said, as she reached in with a leg and removed her pet from the cage. "With my memories restored, I now know it was her ability to renew herself that inspired the solution for my ailing mood."

"Ah, that makes sense. You know, Fluttershy—Twilight's friend—recently told me the story of how Philomena turned to ashes in her hooves. It was fortunate you arrived in time to explain the process of her life cycle," said Luna.

Celestia's head bobbed gently in agreement. "Yes. Although I fear I was not entirely honest with her," she admitted. "I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth."

"Whatever do you mean?" asked Luna, raising a brow.

The phoenix jumped off of Celestia's leg and onto the top of the cage. "I surreptitiously cast a spell on Philomena to control her body and mind after she rose from the ashes," said Celestia. "While it's true phoenixes can mate and lay eggs, this is extremely rare. Immolation is not part of a phoenix's life cycle. It is the most common way by which they reproduce."

Philomena made a deep clucking sound and flapped her wings, clinging to the cage to keep from flying. The wind blew seeds and litter onto the carpet, making a small mess.

The look on Luna's face grew puzzled. "I fear I do not see the analogy. What does this have to do with your magical control over Philomena?"

"When Philomena rose from the ashes, she wasn't the same bird," said Princess Celestia. "She was a new creature entirely. She did not remember who I was, and had only instinct to guide her. I needed to train her again, as though she were a newly-hatched baby."

Luna shrugged. "Ah. Well, I see very little distinction between Philomena losing her memories and the phenomenon of her being replaced by a new, identical bird," said Luna. She experimentally tapped at the bird's beak with her greave, eliciting a squawk.

Celestia shook her head. "It is more than philosophical. Her soul does not transition to the new bird. The experience of being Philomena travels elsewhere, into some other life-pattern which is likely to be very different."

"I beg to disagree, dear sister. Expectation demands the neigh-certain transition would be to the next incarnation," said Luna.

"Not after the experience of burning to death, it wouldn't. Her mind is destroyed piecemeal in the process, so it is highly unlikely her consciousness transitions to a similar state," said Celestia, scritching the back of Philomena's neck with a naked hoof. "The Philomena before you is, in every respect, an entirely new bird."

Luna paused for a moment, and then her eyes widened. "Sister, are you suggesting that your method of self-renewal somehow destroys you and creates a new being?" she asked.

"Not exactly, but perhaps something similar," said Celestia, and her ears lowered against her flowing mane.

The look of shock disappeared from Luna's face. "No, that cannot be. Thank the Stars, you are incorrect. You are only losing your recent memories," Luna pointed out. "Even if the spell you use destroys and recreates your body, it does not destroy your mind. The pony standing before me is clearly my sister, not a mindless yearling who cannot recognize me."

Celestia sighed, and her shoulders slumped as though tired. "If that were how it worked, then yes, you would be correct. A spell that destroys and reforms my body and mind would be no different from teleportation, which is not dangerous to the host," she said. "The reference to Philomena's immolation is not a perfect analogy."

"That is because it is an entirely false analogy," corrected Luna. "You are trying to derive the worst possible conclusion, because you feel guilty and wish to suffer for losing your memories of Twilight. Believe me, Sister. I understand that feeling remarkably well."

"It isn't as simple as you think it is, Luna," said Celestia. "I'm too tired to discuss it now, however. At least it's finally over."

Luna stepped up to her sister and hugged her, then leaned back. "It is indeed over. And now, you can focus on creating new memories that you shall retain for the remainder of your life: memories with me, memories with Twilight, and memories with your other friends."

Celestia's frown lifted slightly as Philomena jumped onto the back of her neck and began to preen. "I suppose you're right, Lulu. I do miss what I've lost with her, though. I hope she can forgive me."

Princess Luna smiled gently at her sister, and her face almost hid the nervous tension behind it. "There is nothing to forgive, my silly pony. You shall see this yourself when I leave to awaken Twilight from her slumber," said Luna. "By now, her mind has likely calculated powers of two which would require an entire blackboard to write out in Saddle Arabic notation."

Turning toward Luna, Celestia furrowed her brow in thought. "Powers of two... Luna, are you certain she was just mumbling numbers, or did she say anything else?"

Luna cocked her head. "Actually, there was something odd. Shortly after I put her beneath the waves of consciousness, she mumbled the words 'off by one'. I assume she had forgotten an arithmetic carry."

Princess Celestia paused and stared into space, then gasped. "Oh... oh no," she whispered, and ran to her desk. Losing her perch, Philomena flapped her wings and landed on top of the canopy. Celestia grabbed a quill and parchment and began to write.

"Celie? What is it?" said Luna, trotting nervously to her sister's side. She looked down at the paper, but all Celestia had written were the first ten powers of two: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, and 512.

Princess Celestia dropped the quill on the table and gasped for breath, as though she were drowning in the ocean. "No!" she cried out.

"Sister!" said Princess Luna as she kneeled beside her. Celestia collapsed onto the floor and buried her muzzle between her forelegs.

As Celestia weeped openly, she hid her face from her sister. Luna nervously petted her back with a trembling hoof.

"Celie, if this is the fault of that 'new math' I have heard of, I must confess that I know not how to deliver retribution to an abstract concept," said Luna, followed by a loud cough. "I am deeply sorry. That was a terrible attempt at levity," she added under her breath.

Celestia sniffed and lifted her head into view. Her eyes were already puffy and red, and her face bore a manic smile. "This is what I deserve," she said. "I see that now. I admit it. But it isn't what Twilight deserves. It isn't what you deserve, Lulu."

"I am frightened, Celie. I am going to get a doctor now," said Luna, but Celestia held her sister's hoof firmly with her magic.

"I will be okay," insisted Celestia.

"The appearance of your lovely face is as far from 'okay' as my imagination is capable of visualizing," said Luna. "Please, sister, do not attempt to stop me."

"Give me a few minutes," begged Celestia. She wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and sniffled. "Please. Just stay with me for a few minutes."

Luna sat on the floor and held her sister in her legs. After a few minutes, Celestia stood up.

"Now I am going for a doctor," said Luna.

"No, wait," said Celestia. "I need you to do something for me."

Luna stood still, wearing a wary expression. "I am listening, Sister."

"Get my secretary, Raven. Have her come here so I can cancel today's appointments. My schedule was already light because I've only recovered recently," she said. The emotion had disappeared from her facial features, leaving behind the poker face of the Knight.

"And you shall see the doctor now," said Luna.

"No, Luna. I will see the doctor tomorrow," said Celestia. "There is an emergency I must handle immediately, and it will take me several hours of work."

"Celie, you are in no condition—"

"I can do the work from my room, and I will see the doctor tomorrow," Celestia continued, interrupting her sister. "You can place a guard on my room if you don't believe me. But please, get Raven to come here immediately. And..."

"And?"

"I need you to tell Twilight that I love her," said Celestia.

"Celestia!" gasped Luna.

"Promise me!"

"I refuse! You shall do it yourself," said Luna.

"Yes, I will. But I need you to do it for me," begged Celestia.

Luna trembled where she stood. "Sister, I demand that you look me in the eyes and tell me that you will not come to harm."

Princess Celestia stepped forward and stared her sister dead in the eyes. "Luna, I promise you that I will be fine. You, Twilight, and I will spend most of the day tomorrow discussing all of this at length. At that time, I will reveal everything to you both. All of it," she promised. "I am going to instruct Raven to brief you tomorrow before we meet. But you must promise me that you will tell Twilight I love her. I need her to know, or I won't have the strength to complete the work I must do."

Luna clenched her jaw, less listening to Celestia's spoken words than watching every tiny detail of her face. It didn't matter that her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet. The face of the Knight was an expert gambler's mask, completely dissociated from emotion.

Yet Princess Luna could detect the tiniest hint of emotion in her eyes that her sister was unable to secret away. It was a raw, unrefined need, a desperation so broad and shallow that Luna knew lies couldn't hide beneath its surface.

"I believe you," said Luna, unable to keep the wavering out of her voice. "I shall do as you ask."

"In turn, I promise we will meet together tomorrow and put all of this to rest. I intend to deliver to both you and Twilight the brightest possible future with me," said Celestia. "Now go."

Princess Luna quickly grabbed her shoes and left as her sister sat down and began to write on a scroll.

As she stepped outside the room, she decided against calling for a guard. Her sister had been telling the truth, of that much she was certain. But Celestia was a much better gambler when it came to secrets, and at the moment, her hoof held a millennium's worth of cards.

"Please, Celie. Please don't be bluffing," she whispered as she shut her sister's door.

Comments

[Arzoo]

If there's going to be talk of souls/consciousness, we kind of need to know if there's any scientific Equestrian evidence for the existence of the soul or if they're in the same boat we are regarding them.

[Trick Question]

7472402
Mid to late 40's.

[Trick Question]

7472421
"Soul" here means the expected continuation of the conscious experience. It isn't religious or supernatural in nature.

[Arzoo]

7472464

Oh. Well then why expect such continuation? The Zombie problem kind of demonstrates that there's effectively no such thing as a consciousness separate from the physical body. New bird vs irretrievable mind/memories is irrelevant, because they're indistinguishable.

Celestia's memories being largely recoverable, plus large aspects of her mind and personality seemingly persisting, means she isn't really analogous to Philomena.

No clue what the numbers thing is about. Interesting...

[Arzoo]

7472457

And Sunset is just trolling high school, heh.

[Starlight Nova]

I could've sworn this story had humans in it. Does it have humans in it?

[Trick Question]

7472837
Neigh.