I'm gonna shove my SunLight down your throat. AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!
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Summer vacations. When your friends are close, it's one of the best things in the world. However, when all of Sunset's friends but one are unavailable, she turns to the one friend she can: Twilight Sparkle.
After Princess Twilight left, she met this Twilight, and after some time, they became best friends. But could this summer day at her friend's house change how Sunset feels?
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Cover art by Riouku, check out her DeviantArt.
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You can't force someone to love an OTP
The only option you have is to enlighten them
Hmm, not bad so far. This is awfully short for a first chapter, but I have high hopes it'll pan out as the story continues to develop.
6205532 Thanks. It is my first story, and I'm not exactly one to write too much. However, I do plan to expand the chapters as time goes by, so don't worry.
6205542
No problem. It's just a general rule of thumb that having a first chapter to a story should be around 2,000--4,000 words. Number one, it has a higher chance of getting into the feature box. Second, it establishes a story that has the ability of keeping people interested while also not divulging the entire plot. When someone reads a chapter, they should always leave wanting more, but they should also leave satisfied. Here? I was left wanting more to kick the story off. I'm basically running off of my love of SunLight instead of the story's premise itself.
However, take all I say as a grain of salt. Nothing is set in stone, and I'm merely giving what I've found to be the best bet when releasing stories. Many people have done just fine without following anything I've said here.
Simply be conscientious about what's good for you and the reader.
6205449 Then enlightenment will spread across the land.
6205542
6206306 The only thing I disagree with this is aiming for the feature box! Don't be upset if it doesn't get in. The feature box, and by extension, popularity is not an indicator for quality at all. It's nice to be satisfied with a story that you're proud of, no matter what the heck the ratio is.
6208034 Also, it would be a big surprise for me if this got featured. It isn't bad in my opinion, but I don't think it would get in the featured box with just this chapter. I'm happy enough with the Like/DIslike ratio I've got right now, because it shows people liked my story.
There's not much I can say right now, its mostly set up so I guess I'll wait and see where it goes.
6208034
It's always good to shoot high but aim low. Shoot for the feature box, but aim for personal satisfaction and reader satisfaction. And honestly, I cannot stress the "reader satisfaction" part enough. While writing for you is important and said nearly ad nauseum, writing for the audience is just as important. Successful writers write stories that they are interested in and readers have a chance to be interested in. Marketability is important of you, at the minimum, want more than ten people to read your story. This is why certain stories are more popular than others; this is why clop, shipping, comedy, and adventure stories are so popular. Slice of Life is actually a little lagging sometimes, but it's up there too. If you take a look at Titanium Dragon's blogs, you'll find a string of intriguing feature box statistics and analyses. I'd recommend you give it a look.
But to sum this all up, yes, don't always and only shoot for the big bucks because you'll have a long ladder to climb before you get there. However, there's no reason why you shouldn't ever shoot for it; it's always good to have a goal you would like to go for, even if it isn't attained when you want it, if at all.
6209087 Eh, I don't think you get my point. I'm saying that the Feature Box is not a measure of quality and hence is not something you should aim for. Breaking down the algorithm and trying to get popular is a rather pointless exercise in my opinion if you're not getting your own satisfaction from writing, or producing content that is quality. The Feature Box is not a 'height' to attain, it's a mechanism that, on occasion, reflects some form of popularity. Having said that, whatever floats your boat. If you like being popular and making stories that are designed to be popular, I don't have anything against that, it's just my personal opinion that thinking that being Featured automatically means success. In my experience writing is writing, it's about technique, it's about studying and research and it's about application of time and effort.
Anyway this has drifted far from the original topic of this story, for which I believe further inquiries should be made by PM, so as not to bother the author.
First, I kinda wish that people didn't always have he say "she-demon." To me, it's no different than overusing "20% cooler" or using it at all, honestly. One's a cliché, and one's a soon-to-be cliché. Rainbow used it once, Sunset used it once, and I doubt it will be used again. But that's a nitpick.
I see what you did there.
Hmm . . . it wasn't a bad chapter, but I can tell where you need work. I'm going to attempt to explain to you the concept of showing versus telling using a snippet of your writing. Take this for example.
The first problem is the beginning sentence. You said Twilight "pretended to think for while, but Sunset looked angry." So, Twilight "decided to answer." The basic ideas behind showing versus telling is that the marked verbs in bol? They are actions you told us. You simply said that they happened, that she was angry, but you didn't show us. You didn't say, for instance, that . . .
Do you see what I mean? Not only will it increase your word count tremendously over an entire chapter, it makes it far more entertaining to read. It allows the reader to become more immersed in the story experience and visualize emotions and actions with more clarity. Here's another example for better understanding.
Instead of saying, "Twilight was sad," say, "Twilight held her head in her hands and stared at the floor with clenched eyes and a heaving chest."
That's a far more clearer picture of what you mean by "sad," huh? And it doesn't even need to be overly dramatic. You could say "Twilight looked away with folded ears and watery eyes, biting her lip at the angry pegasus before her." Both work equally well.
So that's all the lesson from me today. Just take into account what I've said, and I guarantee you'll go places. Practice is perfect!
6235323 Thanks for the help. I changed the "she-demon" to something different, and also the "purple smart" part. Hope you don't mind, but I used your example for that part.
How have I not noticed this fact before?!
This chapter's really sweet.
It's really okay. Your writing is (I think) easy to read overall.
I have not seen any mistakes (though I did not look for them) and that's a bravo for a new writer. Once I noticed that there was no comma before name when somebody addressed Sunset in dialogue but that's my nitpicking. But this story is not without it's flaws.
Personally I did not like almost whole third chapter. Not because it's bad, because it is not, but for the first two chapters the story is pretty light, there was nothing about love, romance and all that mushy stuff and then *BAM* you hit reader with third chapter which does not fit the whole story... Also, more nitpicking but a little more serious. Decide which was it, hamburgers or sandwiches? These are two different things, and you do not cook sandwiches, you make them.
I would suggest finding someone who will read your story before you publish it and he/she would look for any mistakes.
Sorry for my bad english and keep it up, you write well but you can always write better.
6404576 Yeah, I know I made a pretty big turn at the third chapter, it's just that, after I ended the second chapter with that cliffhanger, I didn't know what to do besides that. My bad
Also, that hamburgers/sandwiches confusion happens because, for some reason, in Brazil, we call hamburgers sandwiches too, so I end up writing both. Will fix that, thanks for pointing out.
6404583 Oh, but are the hamburgers like sandwiches or are sandwiches like hamburgers in Brazil?
But if that's so, if you say that in authors note, or whatever it is called it would still be good. Though I opt for making everything more universal and understandable.
6404665 Sandwiches are sandwiches, but you can refer to a hamburger as a sandwich. And it's something that slipped my mind when writing. That's what I get for writing after midnight...
So this is done and over with. It was a sweet ending.
6404576 I like that last part of your comment. "You write well but you can always write better." I shall live my life by that code!
I like this. A lot. I wish I had more elaborate comments to make but alas, right now I just can't think of anything. Thank you for writing. :)
6734495 Thanks for reading this, it's great to know people like what I've written
6735008 Don't know how I could not love it!
It's so cute. Not to mention, some of the comparisons made are uncanny, given you hadn't seen Friendship Games prior to writing this. So many things that refer appropriately to the official human Twilight, and one moment that's really ironic when she's comforting Sunset about the past. Anyway, I hope to see more from you soon! 
am I the only one who thought the corner joke was actually the best? damn, I'm a nerd... the salt-rifle and the Lincoln one were horrible puns, but so bad they were good
I'm kind of surprised. It's been 5 months since I uploaded this chapter. It has about 800 views.
And nobody, not even me, for a long time, noticed I made a clear mistake somewhere.
Seriously, I wrote "the blue blue". I don't know what was up with my brain at the time, but it's incredible that no one else said anything.
6756267 By the way, thanks. And those puns are exactly the kind of "so bad it's good" puns.
6735008 if im correct, the cadance you mean in this story refer to dean cadance in crystal prep academy, is that right?
6977702 Considering this came WAAAY before Friendship Games, and I stated on the first chapter that I hadn't checked anything about it, I have to say no. This story doesn't have much to do with FG.
A nice sweet story.
The pacing jumps about a bit but I still really enjoyed this. Super cute. Well done. Considering this came before we had a cannon Human Twilight you were still pretty close.
6208034
Woahhh I found you! Opinion on SunLight?
8493698 Woah, vista from the past. I'm here and there with SunLight. I think it's cute, buuuut... I'm not big on romance.