• Member Since 30th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen 31 minutes ago

scifipony


Published Science Fiction Author and MLP G4 fanfiction writer. Like my work? Buy me a cuppa joe or visit my patreon!

T

At Moon Dancer's Party, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, Lyra, Minuette, and I realized that only we stood between a cursed Celestia, a conspiracy in Canterlot, and the coming of Nightmare Moon. Celestia had managed against the geas to train me, appoint me as her crown representative, and send me to oversee the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville. But she'd prevented the royal guard from helping me. Could we, with Shining's help and a hoof-ful of crazy Ponyvillains, save Equestria from nighttime eternal?


A novella about the second bearers of the Elements of Harmony.

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 48 )

Uh.. Cloud Dancer? I thought she was called Moon Dancer?

6195745
Thanks. I'll fix that immediately! I shouldn't write when exhausted, but really, thanks.

FIXED!

I'm really liking your take on filling in the plot holes. You've done a really good job of having similar events to canon but with a clever explanation for why. Have to laugh at "specific orders about what you are doing with your commission through dawn tomorrow" in this context too. Someone in the peerage is going to have a heart attack when they parse that against "the night will last forever!".

I'm enjoying the nice, slow progression of Twilight towards friendship as well - in the previous chapter she more or less called the rest her friends because she couldn't think of a better way to phrase it when directly asked, and here she's having to be told that she can look for help from her friends. All in all, a pretty good way of setting up that she's not really friends with these ponies before this point and letting her properly make friends with them during the story.

Just a few small typos: one instance of "Candance" instead of "Cadance" in this chapter, and one instance of "must of" instead of "must have" in the previous one.

6198029

setting up that she's not really friends with these ponies before this point and letting her properly make friends with them during the story.

Thank you for the timely critique. This is exactly it--taken from my subconscious, blasted across my consciousness. I'm cleaning up chapter 5 now; you've made me realize I was beginning to veer from the essential friendship lesson. Consider me back on course! And I have a new perspective about how to write chapter 6 where Twilight deals with the aftermath of her failures.

I am in your debt.

Pinkie seems to be strangely aware of what they'll need next even for Pinkie. Pinkie Sense, or has she just read the book? That'd be a pretty neat explanation for why it was "under E", if Pinkie was the one who returned the book to the shelf after reading it rather than a library actually being sorted alphabetically!


A few small mistakes:

the stifling heat effecting me.

Should be affecting in this context

our steads

Should be "our steeds".

This Bon Bon,

"This is Bon Bon,".

knocking Hearts into Bon Bon

Lemon Hearts isn't in this scene yet, so it seems likely "Hearts" here should be Lyra.

Unless one of us missed an Anthro tag, Twilight doesn't have any handwriting at all.

6202027
Check, check, check, and check. This instance of affect/effect is very tricky but after consulting with multiple sources, I went with your recommendation. This aspect of English, with its mongrel mix of Latin and Germanic roots, makes me want to do a Twilight "Ughhh!"

Re Madam Pinkie: Works for me! (The author says, vaguely.)

6203457

Handwriting

Equestria Girls reference. Could replace with cursive or worse, hoofwriting, but then it isn't funny. Sticking to it, but thanks for noticing. :twilightsmile:

Well i have got to say that this story is great so far, i really liked seeing on how the events have been changed thanks Twilight going to Moondancer's party, i am really interested in seeing where you will take this. :twilightsmile:

As for this chapter itself, i really like it, it is nice to see how Twilight and the guards preparing for a attack on Princess Celestia ended up changing things, too bad for them it didn't really help them all that much.

6203457 she writes with her magic aka levitation.

Wait Twinkie? I thought it was Twinkle

Loved this storie. This is pretty much what would have happened if twi went to Moon Dancer's birth day party.

accessing Fluttershy

assessing Fluttershy

I'm sorry, but it's really confusing, frustrating, and even bordering on aggravating how you just randomly switch to using nicknames for everyone in this chapter with zero introduction. I can only assume that Moon Dancer is being referred to as “Lunettes” for some reason, but only through the process of elimination and the fact that “Moon Dancer” ceases talking after “Lunettes” starts being mentioned. It's especially disorienting this early in the story, when the cast hasn't yet been firmly established in the reader's mind and it's still up in the air as to whether you're going to add another friend to the group or use Shining Armor as one of the elements of harmony I recounted and realized you added Lyra..

6273271
Thank you for your critique; I fiound it helpful that you told me what you understood so I can see how it differed from what I meant.

Sorry I left you confused. Lunettes being a nickname for Moon Dancer is abrupt. Can't rely on readers knowing it's French, or Fancy as Applejack would say, for Moon Dancer's glasses. Sticking to pure English is something my 10th grade English teacher beat into me 4 decades ago; didn't stick, alas. I hope Twi's other pet names were more obvious, like Harps and Minty Green for Lyra Heartstrings. I will look at the chapter again and see if I need to make Twilight's internal naming more obvious.

This is a fun alternate take. I like the nicknames even if it was a little disconcerting how you brought them into play. I did think it was odd that Twilight would be invited to a party in the first episode by ponies she obviously knew well yet she kept claiming she didn't have or need friends the whole pilot episode. Of course given her obsessive compulsive need to consistently impress her teacher I could see her pushing everything to the side when she thinks she's being given a test.

I can see this friendship being even stronger than the canon series. They've known each other for years if you take into account the flashbacks of them in Celestia's school. The fact that they're all unicorns might cause some grumbles about tribalism from the earth ponies and pegasi.

The idea that Celestia is under a geas to be unable to talk about Nightmare Moon is probably the best idea I've seen in a fic yet. It would explain why Luna has become nothing more than a myth and why Celestia had to manipulate Twilight into finding the Elements of Harmony. I may just steal the idea if I ever decide to write my own story. :trollestia:

Twilight is obviously their friend, she just hasn't figured out the opposite is also true.

6203983
It's Lyra making the comment. It could be reference to human obsession of fanon Lyra but that would be silly.

As for Pinkie somehow knowing too much... It's my thought that she doesn't just break the fourth wall but she is at least partially aware of what her other reality selves are up to.

Canon MLP is how things went with the best possible outcome. There were so many ways things could have gone differently, badly, that really it was amazing they succeeded at all. Hopefully a little CPR will save Shiny... on to the next chapter to find out!

Yay for Shining! I love how you're writing everyone. Twilight is already best friends with the other five she just doesn't realize it yet. The teamwork she has with her classmates is only something you get from spending a lot of time and trust together.

There's always that one character that always thinks they know best and refuse to listen to anyone. They exist in real life, I've met a few. I often wonder how they get to the level of authority they often do...

Enjoying the ride so far! Bring on our glorious new unicorn overlords! :twilightsmile:

6274953
Thank you for your commentary and analysis. You've actually seen things I missed; obviously (wink wink) I was thinking this subconsciously. It's fabulous to read what a reader got from what I wrote so I can check it against what I meant!

That said, may ask that if you want to post something that reveals something about the plot, please use the black SP spoilery tag, as I am about to do.

The idea that Celestia is under a geas...would explain why Luna has become nothing more than a myth

You have gotten that I tried to explain every plot hole in the first episode. I worried a lot about that part of the story, but was completely unable to articulate something to explain why nobody understood Nightmare night or that Celestia might have had a sister. Thank you for pointing this out. I may use it or leave it implied since I have apparently done so. (I'll bet literary dissection often finds things that the author didn't consciously put in, but had to agree with in retrospect!)

Excellent job on the second-to-last chapter (actually the story in general). The emotional content, exchanges and action are all well done and I really like how you are making an effort to fix the plot holes of the actual episode. I'll definitely be looking forward to the final chapter as soon as time and inspiration will allow.

Nicely done. While I would enjoy seeing more adventures of this alternate Equestria, I understand that sometimes a continuation doesn't have the same momentum or impact of a core story.

I do look forward to anything else you do write, even if it isn't pony related. A good writer is a good writer, regardless of the setting.

Edit:

This story needs more views! and more upvotes! :flutterrage:

(Huh, I actually got a first comment? That's never ever happened to me even in twenty five years of internetting.)

Not much I can say other than excellent job on this final chapter. The exchanges and emotional content were all superbly done. And, like before, you did a darn good job on the plothole-fixing too. :-D

Well at least I'm not the only one wanting a sequel to this!
This is the start to an amazing story that I would love to read if you write it!

Did the Canterlot Six actually manage to get Books Horse to go to Moondancer's party? Will wonders never cease?

A little interesting to see someone write down Twilight's actual thinking perspective of the whole ancient books and prophecies. The pink-maned mare, of course, I assume is Celestia prior to getting the whole ethereal mane thingy.

Celestia being under a geas and thus unable to talk about Nightmare Moon's return is probably the best excuse for her not doing anything I've seen so far. Arriving to talk to the Canterlot Six in person/in pony helps to arouse their curiosity, then making a whole "I can't talk about it" statement helps. I have to wonder, though, if she fell under a curse ten years ago, given that she was apparently able to send out the books to Sunset Shimmer or her future protege at that time.

The nicknames come in way too abrupt here, with little natural seguing in. I see we get the title drop in here, though.

Man, I'm almost beginning to wonder if Twilight's going to be the Element of Magic in this story, or if it'll be somepony else. I always delight in seeing fics where Celestia plots things out and Twilight ends up as a different element (Celestia doesn't really plot much here, but she still does set things up).

6550294 Lady is a proper term of address for the daughter of a duchess. The part where she is inheriting the lands outside Horseshoe bay may have landed on the cutting room floor. This is not a spoiler in anyway. I missed it upon rereading the chapter, but it's there.

Moon Dancer could throw her party on the deep green sea of grass amongst topiary trees because she was the daughter of a duchess with lands aside Horseshoe bay.

XD I love how both times Nightmare's been interrupted and unable to finish her "THE NIGHT... WILL LAST... FOREEEVAAAAAHHH MWAHAHA"

6550468 Ooohhhhh. Yeah, I read really quickly so I probably missed that :twilightsheepish:

6550927

I love how both times Nightmare's been interrupted and unable to finish her "THE NIGHT... WILL LAST... FOREEEVAAAAAHHH MWAHAHA

In the biz, we call that a running joke. Fun to write, too. (Minuette and Harps were also targets for running jokes.)

I don't see what has changed despite the site saying this chapter was changed today.
It also says Cloud Dancer instead of Moon Dancer near the end.
I also think that it might a good idea if you simply say who has which element of Harmony.

6582249

<sigh> I'll look for the "Cloud Dancer"s, again. I am dyslexic and I can't sometimes see the difference between the names, though Moon Dancer (right?) is the correct name. Lunettes is her nickname, and Twilight always uses nicknames in her thoughts. It's her way of feeling love for her friends.

"No. Nor falling. After that, I'd never want to learn to fly, even if Celestia insisted on giving me wings."

"Ha-ha. Won't happen, Twilight," the athletic pony said, magenta eyes looking clearly worried.

Larson and the HASBRO Empire might have something to say about that Twi, Rainbow.

:trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

6690591 Glad you appreciated the humor. It was too good a joke to pass up.

This is already intriguing me. Onwards!

This is an interesting view on a world that may have been. I will continue reading this until the chapters run out.

An excellent tale. I'm favoriting this.

*snort* My little purple troubleshooter :rainbowlaugh: Thank you for sharing, I can't wait to see what else you have written :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment