• Member Since 12th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Mar 31st, 2019

plsnobully


I have never taken a shit in my life because it all flies out my mouth. (THIS ACCOUNT IS INACTIVE)

T
Source

Truth and reality, while often found complimenting each other, are very separate monsters. This observation is usually made apparent when your life becomes shattered and displaced, and before you can fit the pieces back together, you realize that you're on another plane of existence. You will then realize, like I did, that life is like a priceless vase: there will always be cracks when you piece it back together.

Anyway, the crushing reality is still with you, but the truth? The grandiose insult that comes with planeswalking is the lost sense of trueness you had with everything. You're a big walking lie, trying to make sense of it all, and there is a lot to make sense of. Those childhood tales are now trying to fillet you in some planes. Oh, and they can cast spells, too.

So, either you get power, or you run. I ran, since my chances of living were pretty embarrassing. I mean, I wasn't that bad, but the guys I were up against were ages older than me. I kept planeswalking for a good two months before I landed in a pretty, verdant, terrifying plane called Equus. That's where things got interesting.

My name is Adrolon, and I'm an emotionally-stunted-freak-of-nature going through an existential crisis. If you're reading this, the events in this journal are nothing more than a bad novel, I swear.


All story revisions, formats, literary constructs, etcetera were developed in accordance to Ezn's kickass writing guide, and the useful critique that you have provided, valued reader. Thank you.

[STORY IS UNDERGOING TOTAL REWRITE FOR THE N^TH TIME]

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 15 )

So far I'm afraid I don't have much to say other than you've gained my interest, i'll be keeping an eye out for future chapters, and Thanks for Writing!

6214657 Thanks for sticking around! Stay tuned, my friend, for there is more to come.

Your prose is more purple than a hundred Twilight Sparkles, especially the introduction, which is so in love with its fauxlosophical meanderings that it comes off as utterly meaningless. Furthermore, your tenses are as inconsistent as Spike's competence on the show, directly announcing time and character perspective is a terrible idea, and that's before getting into the Magic end of things. The introduction shows that you fail to understand that white is not good and black is not evil, you've completely violated the usual technology level just to give your OC cool toys, and for some reason, planeswalking into Equestria results in a horrific magical chain reaction rather than the usual result of no one noticing.

Suffice to say, your story has issues. Really, you picked a very bad topic to open on; Human in Equestria stories are cliche to the point of mockery, and you're hitting a lot of the worst points here. That's not to say it's irredeemable, but it comes off as "Ooh, look at me, I'm deep and brooding and just my showing up in the local universe makes the resident chaos god all but crap himself." I'm sure that isn't what you were going for, but it is what I'm getting.

6218756 Hey, at least you have it a shot before commenting.

In relation to the mana types, white mana can be good and black mana can be evil, depending on the one wielding it.

I guess my prose sucks cause I'm so used to writing scientific papers haha.

All stories will be bad in the beginning. Once it matures, things should go smoothly.

Thank you for the critique!

I will consider your words, but in fiction, logic a shit.

HOW CAN YOUR STORY HAVE 7 CATEGORIES?! A STORY CAN ONLY HAVE A MAXIMUM OF 6! Want me to report you for this rule violation?

6218808

I guess my prose sucks cause I'm so used to writing scientific papers haha.

Being someone who had to write a shitload of them for a DM in Math and Physics, I totally feel ya.

I haven't even read anything yet and I'm already super happy with you right now. That ListenOnRepeat site is going to make my life so much easier. Now I can play dramatic boss music in my D&D campaign without clicking the loop button every three minutes!

Aaaand... the mood is gone. I agree with FanOfMostEverything here, there are a lot of problems with this. I could handle your OC thinking in flowery prose, but Fluttershy? Doesn't work.

(To be fair, my shot at an MTG crossover wasn't much better.)

6311360 As the story went on, the flowery prose kind of dwindled on its own. I think since I've gotten my bearings in the story, a more natural language was being written instead of prose "more purple than 100 Twilight Sparkles", as said by FanofMostEverything.

That being said, I'm considering totally rewriting the first couple chapters, prologue included. The story won't change, but the language will.

This is great! I hope you'll pick this story up again someday soon.

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