Friends In High Places
Rubbing my eyes, trying to make sense of this situation, I lay in a hospital with colourful talking ponies. If I didn't believe myself with what was going on, then what little I had in the department of 'friends' wouldn't believe me either if I ever got back.
The doctor was gracious enough to allow me use of the painkillers. I suppose it would have been interesting to see if he had said 'no'. The rippling migraine had subsided for now. For someone without thumbs, he could perform medical procedures quite well.
For a few short moments of serenity, no-one spoke. Even Pink had managed to shut up. I was too focused on my sanity to take notice of the doctor, constantly observing me. I couldn't blame him. Not only was I another species, but I was beat to crap. Alas, the brief respite ended once the doctor said softly. I couldn't tell whether it was out of fear or concern for my well-being.
"How did you get here?"
More questions I didn't have answers to. I spoke with my trademark 'pissed-off' tone.
"I got shot in the damn head."
"With what?"
"What the hell do you think? A bullet."
At first it would have made sense to not realise that, there was no wound at all, but he seemed to take more interest in the concept of a 'bullet', mouthing it to Pink.
"From... a sling? A projectile?"
This was getting on my nerves.
"A gun! Jesus Christ."
Then Pink spoke up after, what I suspected for her was, a lengthy time.
"So... like... a rock? You were hit by a rock?! Ouch! Who did it? That's so mean! Oh, unless it was an accident and it fell off a tree or something..."
Were it not for the relieving effects of the painkillers and what I thought to be some minor sedation, I would be going ape-shit. Even so, it took all my energy to not insult my apparent saviours. Uncontrollably, I spoke through gritted teeth.
"A... gun. Lead bullets. In. The. Head."
They must of sensed my irritation, as they chose to avoid pursuing that any further. I needed to get a better idea of this. I was in 'Ponyville'. After being shot in the head. And now there's talking magic ponies here. It was impossible to piece together any sense of logic or theories on what was happening. For now, I would stick with my excuse of it being a hallucination. A really vivid hallucination.
"Pinkie, could you tell Twilight to get into contact with the princess?" The doctor asked as he made sure the door was firmly shut behind him. He spoke in a slightly hushed tone, "We need as little ponies as possible knowing about this before she can get here. I don't have the faintest idea on where to start."
"Sure!" She replied happily, and proceeded to open the window right next to me. Clearly she wasn't as frightened of me as the doctor was. "See ya in a minute, Max!" I hoped that minute would never come. Carelessly, she threw herself out the window and walked off.
Alone with the doctor, I didn't exactly want to make small talk. Part of my brain, however, was determined to do so in order to find any relatable subject in this new species. I despised small talk, and yet here it was slipping out of my mouth.
"So how long have you been a doctor?" This had to be the most trivial question on my mind at the moment. I didn't care and I hated myself for asking. Although, it did appear to make the doctor ease up a bit.
"Oh, er, about seven years now." He gave an uneasy smile. He looked over my stained tank-top, bad hair-cut and sagging eyes. "How long have you been... unemployed?"
...Hit the nail on the head there. If I wasn't so confused I might have been laughing. "I'm a... well, I was a cop. And a bodyguard. Wasn't too good at it."
"A 'cop'?" He asked, puzzled. I couldn't criticize him too much. Our worlds may have had a lot of similarities but the fact was that he's a horse. He couldn't know everything.
"'To protect and serve'," I muttered. That was laughable. You did a great job with that, Max. Hell, you may as well have killed them.
I clenched my fist so hard I swear I could have been crushing atoms. My constant self-loathing never stopped, even in the most bizarre circumstances. "They... enforce laws," I said simply.
"Ah, like our Royal Guard?" He assumed.
"So, 'Ponyville' is governed by a monarchy?" This would be different. Didn't he say they were going to talk to a princess about me?
"The whole of Equestria is!"
"Equestria... right." I still couldn't wrap my head round that. That was a reoccurring theme. This was not Earth, I could say that much. On Earth people don't survive bullets to the head, and horses don't talk. I had to get a nagging question off my mind, something I actually wondered. "So... what's with Pink?"
"Pinkie Pie? She's very lively, as I'm sure you've noticed." I would say 'loud'. "An optimistic pony, always keen to make friends."
"Does she try that with everyone?"
"I assume that she will attempt to convert you too, if that is what you are implying."
God damn it. I did not need this. I didn't want to make any friends, I drag people down with me. So far I only wanted to know more about this place, I guessed shooting myself in the face would send me back, or at least a final death, which could prove problematic in a land with no guns.
Right on cue, the bubbly pink pony flew back through the window, landing perfectly next to the doctor. She stood with a wide grin on her face, but in complete silence.
"Well, Pinkie? Is Twilight contacting the princess?" The doctor questioned.
"Oh, yeah, but she's coming here first! I told her there was this weird looking new species..." Sitting right here. "...And she wanted to see it for herself!" She said about as cheerily as usual.
The doctor spoke with some annoyance, but it seemed he expected as much. "Pinkie! I said as little amount of ponies as possible!"
This meant that there was another pony joining this depressing party? Apparently that whole 'bed-rest' thing didn't apply in Equestria. Sure enough, there was a knock at the wooden door that sealed me off from the rest of the world. The doctor quickly opened, allowed the pony entry, and shut.
This one was purple with another horn. I wondered why Pink didn't have one, but that was cut off by the new arrival's glares of bewilderment.
"Well, Twilight? What is it?" Pink asked, bouncing jovially around her friend. I was surprised by how she could do that in such a small space.
"It's... er... obviously a..." The unicorn scratched her hair and tilted her head to the side. Clearly she had no idea. I decided to answer for her, much to her alarm.
"Human. You could've just asked me." For once, I was being the voice of reason. That could only end badly.
"It talks! Equestrian! You didn't tell me that!" She yelled to Pink.
"Oh, right. Surprise!" Pink said. I had to admit, I enjoyed this back-and-forth they had going on. "He's also called Max!" Pink beamed, but then came closer to me and asked, "You are a colt, aren't you?"
"Yeah?" I half-asked half-told. I was unsure on what classified as male and female in equine terms. I had heard the phrase 'colt' before, but usually just indented on the side of my gun.
"Max..." Twilight said to herself. Was she trying to read the name in her mind? Hopefully I wouldn't have to tell her the second half of it. "Humans are just myths, though." Well, I was barely-living proof of a myth, this could be counted as an accomplishment in my life. "How did you get here?"
I was really beginning to tire of recalling the same story of me being shot in the damn head. Like everybody was mocking me, they always felt the need to bring it up. Still, it was better me explaining it than a dragged-out explanation from the doc or, God-forbid, Pink.
"I was shot in the head. With... a... let's say a nail..." I hoped they had those. "I should have been dead, but instead I ended up in some forest and passed out."
The doctor concluded for me. "In the Everfree. He was infected and Pinkie brought him here. Nopony but us three know, I snuck him through the back."
"Wow. That doesn't even make any sense!" Finally, someone who matched my thoughts. "No explanations?"
The other two ponies shook their heads before the doctor asked Twilight, "Did you request Princess Celestia to come here immediately?"
"Yes, I had Spike do it. We marked it urgent before I came over here, so she should be on her way if she received it. She'll know what to do." I sure as hell hoped so, while the pain in my head had cleared up I still had a major one in the ass. I wanted to go outside. Permission or not, after this princess business was over, I was getting out of this bed.
I had been sitting in the bed for around an hour, every so often Pink or the doctor would check up on me, much to my displeasure. It wasn't half as bad, however, as Twilight sitting in the corner of the room the entire time taking notes on me. I couldn't scratch my ass without her documenting it. I seriously doubted there was much to learn from that.
She even warned me on my favourite past-time of substance abuse.
"I thought you said you were feeling ok?" Twilight asked as I took a single painkiller from the stand beside me.
"I am."
"Then why are you still taking them?"
I didn't want to answer. When subjects relating to this were brought up, I was usually unable to control my actions. I'm not going through those experiences again for a fucking animal. I could have put it bluntly. Force her on a guilt trip. 'I killed my family'.
Nothing. I swallowed the painkiller and lay back in solitude. My short burst of intense mental anger was over, and that's how it would never stay. Interrupted, sporadic and incomplete- it about summed up my fragile mental state.
The erratic thoughts diminished when the door was flung open by Pink. "She's here!" Pink launched herself into the room and the doctor shortly followed. They stood at separate sides of the bed as a fourth pony became visible in the entrance.
This one was much, much taller than the others, with an exceptionally large horn. White all over, excluding the flowing multi-coloured hair, or mane, I think it is. A major difference I spotted in this though, was the addition of wings. So this was a talking, magical flying pony. Right. Seems legit. Adorning her was a golden necklace and crown. If they wanted to keep me discreet, they were doing a terrible job by inviting her.
Her majestic image was soon ruined however, when she hit her horn on the doorway. Clearly, the size was not intended to accommodate freakishly large flying unicorns. With a smile, and only after ducking her head could she make it into the room. Even still, she had to keep partly crouched to avoid hitting the ceiling.
Maybe it was out of respect, but Twilight and the doc refused to be amused. Pink and I had the same idea though, I guess I had to appreciate these little things. Like talking ponies bumping their heads off walls. Except where I was just inwardly smirking, Pink was barely containing a guffaw.
"Hello everypony..." You gotta be kidding me. "I presume this is the new species you mentioned, Twilight?" She spoke gently, and showed less interest in me than the others did.
"Yes, Princess, it-, he claims to be a human, but they're just m-..." Twilight was cut short by this princess.
"Myths. Right you are, my student, but I see no other possibilities. He is exactly like the old drawings."
And just like that, I guess it was accepted. Her word must have been law, position came with wisdom. They all looked at me for a while. A 'myth', yet another thing telling me I shouldn't be alive. Only then did I realize they were expecting me to talk, to confirm it once again.
"Yeah. Pretty sure these forty-seven years of my life I've been human."
"How did you come to arrive here, human?"
Son of a...
After, once again, explaining my tragic story, she appeared no different. She was content with that story, knowing that I could offer little more. None of us, not even this 'all-powerful'-type leader, had any leads on the how's or why's.
"You sound as though you have been through a lot," she concluded.
"You don't know the half of it," I let escape from my lips.
"So, what do we do with him, Princess?" Her student asked, thankfully cutting off me regaling any more morose stories.
"Honestly, Twilight? There is not much we can do. We treat this matter as we would any new intelligent species..." Intelligent. That was debatable. "I will inquire with the Canterlot libraries, historians and mythological experts, but he will have to stay here."
"Why?" I suddenly asked.
"Canterlot, where we would normally study a new, important species, isn't exactly the most secluded city. We cannot risk the amount of media attention you would pick up there without first knowing what you are capable of."
If it meant less ponies staring and attempting to be friends with me, then I was fine with that. As for what I'm capable of? Putting away unhealthy units of alcohol while finding a way to replace my blood with painkillers.
"I will make sure that the only ponies that know about you are here in Ponyville. No coverage of you will leave this town, I will ensure the Guard makes that known. And, while I am gone, Twilight, I will need you to report any findings you have of..." She turned to me.
"Max," I supplied. I was being treated like a child. They were going to study me, great. My life sure has took a turn from the usual binging and sleeping. At least we were getting somewhere. Twilight was visibly happy by this, another task from her 'teacher'.
"Whatever you feel you need to report, send it to me. You can do this also, Max." I think I'd pass on that. "Finally, he will need somewhere to stay."
Immediately, I cringed as Pink started howling, "Oh! Me, me, me! He can stay with me and Gummy and we can have a 'welcome to Ponyville' party and I can get you to taste all my new recipes and have a sleepover party AND-"
Twilight's han-, hoof, I suppose, blocked Pink's mouth. Thank God. That was the last place I wanted to stay, trapped with someone the social opposite of myself. I pleaded silently that someone would suggest somewhere else.
The princess picked up on this, and saved me from a fate far worse than death. Possibly because I had experienced it, and it wasn't all that bad.
"I think it might be best if he stays with Twilight, for now. He would be much easier to observe..." However, in an attempt to please Pink, she also offered, "That doesn't mean you can't have a party, though. Just make sure everypony knows to let little slip of his arrival."
"Rumours and talk are acceptable outside of Ponyville, but we can't let it get to the scale where it becomes fact. Only when media companies from other states of Equestria are involved, will it start impeding our work. We cannot offer them anything we don't know."
I doubted they'd be able to keep a lid on this for long, eventually, I was sure, swarms would be attracted, picking away at my increasingly flimsy life. At least for a day though, I might have time to think about this.
"Well, good luck with your findings, Twilight, and good luck to adjusting to Ponyville, Max. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, but, as it stands, it doesn't take priority over governing Equestria. I will research as much as I can, but the safety of our land is more important, I have pressing matters to attend to."
"I understand, princess," Twilight included.
"Goodbye everyp-, everyone."
With a slight bow, the princess left, remembering to duck this time. So, I was a citizen of Ponyville. I was also a test subject. It was amazing how much had changed with her brisk visit. I was expected to co-operate with this unicorn, and show her what a human is generally like. They picked a terrible example. Swiftly, Pink also decided to leave, exclaiming loudly,
"I need to go, Twilight! I gotta tell everypony about the next party!"
As happy as I was to see her bounce out the window once more, I didn't like the idea of a party. Thumping techno that you need to shout over to communicate whilst taking illegal drugs isn't my idea of fun. I sat up in my bed, and put my hands over my eyes. Things sure did move fast here, too fast for an old man like me to keep up.
"Erm... well, would you like to stay here any longer Max? Or are you ready to go?" Twilight asked nervously. As numb as my ass may have been, I was itching to see what lay on the other side of this hospital.
I said quietly, "Yeah." I took my arms and stretched before turning to my side, pushing my legs over the bed. My beaten, torn jeans tightly fitted around my legs. I would need some new clothes. I didn't think they'd have a special shop for humans.
"Need any help getting up?" Twilight questioned. I was glad to see I kept my stubborn self when I replied.
"No." Holding onto the side, I pushed myself up. It was a horrendous strain on my arms, I was much weaker than I imagined. It felt like my arms were toothpicks, the force slowly snapping my bones. Eventually, I had stood up, and realized that I had a complete lack of balance. I fell a short distance before holding myself up on the bed, the fire returning to blaze my arms once again in pain, struggling to keep my weight up.
All the while they watched, the doctor and Twilight. What a pathetic specimen I was. With a grunt of effort I returned to the balancing act. After a few seconds though, I got my bearings and was able to take a step. I saw how much bigger I was than these ponies, they were just over half my size.
The doctor opened the door and they both left, leaving me to follow them. Not before sneaking the remaining painkiller bottle into my jeans, however. I supported myself on the wall for a time, but upon reaching the door, I could move more easily.
The hospital was modern, and had more corridors leading to other rooms. There was a waiting room, reception, and strewn about emergency beds. It was similar to a human version, the question was, who copied whom? I saw Twilight waiting for me at the exit, blaring sunlight shining down on her from outside. The doctor stood to the side of the reception desk, looking content.
"Thanks, Doc," I muttered.
"Not a problem, Max. It's what I do. And now I can say I performed a successful procedure on a human," He smiled. "Good luck out there."
I would need it. When I reached the door, the new world was opened up in front of me. Every house, more-or-less, was detached. Structures of all shapes, sizes and colours would be an understatement. This suburban town sat nestled comfortably between fields of green. There was even a river dissecting parts of the town. The ground was entirely grass with a few stone paths, and scattered around were diverse trees. The weather was perfect, shown in the cloudless sky above.
I'm sure, for many, it would be safe to say I stumbled upon a paradise.
Amongst these surroundings, however, were ponies. Many ponies. All staring at this fresh-out-the-hospital immigrant nearly double their size that looks nothing like one of them. Some stared, frozen in shock or confusion. Some ran, or at least kept their distance. Seeing me next to one of their own probably helped them refrain from screaming though.
Just like their buildings, these ponies were all different, but always colourful. There were more unicorns, normal ones and some with wings like the princess. Only now had I noticed that every one of them had a symbol on their backside, again, all different.
This was one damn elaborate drug trip.
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Great story bro! cant wait for the next chapter!!!
Yes... a drug trip... that makes absolutely perfect sense.
"This was one damn elaborate drug trip."
You don't know the half of it, Max.
Drug trip with magical ponies.
So Awesome!!!!!
I feel slightly bad for Max
, but still he's coping better than I thought he might especially with a hangover 
can't wait for the next chapter
puu.sh/xhxr
I PlateY Max Payne, And Max Payne 2, I Understand A Lot Of Max Character, I Love It
Thumb Up, Tracking. Good fic so far.
Let the best MP story win.
686263
Yep! Here it is!
Oh, and, thanks!
"Human. You could've just asked me." For once, I was being the voice of reason. That could only end badly.
Oh Max. Just try to be the voice of the human. Reason? We would all die if you were. I can imagine it. People screaming. You sitting there with an expression of cluelessness on your face because they took your advice and reason. Then everyone and everypony died because they trusted you!