• Published 23rd May 2012
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The Autobiography of Scootaloo - A Diary Collection - Tails_155



This is a story focusing on life from Scootaloo's POV. It takes place starting before season one.

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Beware the Quiet Ones (♫)

Author's Note:

Chapter Theme:

Like a Storm - I Love The Way You Hate Me

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Last night I talked to Mom and Dad about inviting Miss Cheerilee over for dinner. I hope she says yes, I think it would be really nice.

School today was pretty good. I didn't fall asleep at all. I still get bored, but I am trying harder to be a good student.

Miss Cheerilee is going to come to dinner! I'm pretty happy. I hope she has a good time.

Miss Cheerilee told Mom and Dad that I was a wonderful filly, that I was "passionate, brave and very loyal" and that she was "thrilled" that I was trying harder lately.

Mom and Dad told her that I talk about her a lot, and that I really respect her. I'm glad they said that, because I've been trying to tell her that for a long time.

I told Miss Cheerilee that she is a wonderful teacher, and that she really means a lot to me and my friends, especially Featherweight and me. She seemed really happy with what I told her.

She said she really cares for us, and she told me that what Featherweight and I have had to deal with is something most of our classmates won't have to deal with.

She said she hasn't really ever told me or Featherweight just how special we are for doing as well as we have, given what has happened. She said Apple Bloom has a similar struggle, but that she didn't have to experience it at an age where she understood what was going on.

I'm really happy Miss Cheerilee came over. I hope I was able to show her just how much I care about her. Without her help, I really don't think I would be where I am today.

I think it's very sweet of her to be so worried about Featherweight and me.

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I talked to Featherweight today about what Miss Cheerilee said about us. He said he always saw her kind of like a mother figure, and that hearing she said that was really special.

We spent the day practicing flying again. I'm getting pretty fast. I still don't know any new tricks. Maybe Mom will get a break tomorrow. She has had to move clouds every day this week!

Featherweight took me to the marketplace. We got some treats at Berry Punch's stand and then went to Mom's house. We saw Mom heading there, she just got off work. We hung out with her for a while, relaxing and looking at the view.

Mom said she could teach me to fly a bit tomorrow, but that there's an evening rainstorm she has to take care of. I guess a bit is better than nothing.

Dad bought me a strawberry pie today! It was so good! I shared a piece with Featherweight, and Mom and Dad both had a piece. It was a really nice evening.

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Mom taught me how to land in a gallop today. I stumbled and hurt my leg the first time I tried. I stumbled several times after that, but I eventually got it! It's not too easy. I mean, my hooves don't want to take to the ground at that speed.

I showed the trick to Featherweight, he was pretty excited. He said it was really cool, and that he wanted to learn to do it. Maybe I can actually teach him something!

That was really funny. Featherweight's long, gangly legs made his landing a lot more difficult, and some of his stumbling was silly looking. He had to aim his legs for the ground and level himself a lot more than I had to. He got it down after several tries, but he had to slow down after he landed correctly, because his legs were sore (both from running, and stumbling). He said he's okay. It was funny watching him the first few times, he kept running before he ever got close to the ground.

Featherweight pulled a leg muscle. He's laying on the couch right now. I hope he's alright. Now I feel bad for laughing at him.

I had to help Featherweight home. He said he'll be fine after a night's rest, but I had to help him stay off his front leg.

I guess I'm not a teacher. I thought I was doing pretty well, but Featherweight got hurt.

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Featherweight heard me talking about teaching him with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle and cut me off. He said that it was silly for me to think that just because he got hurt means I'm not a good teacher. He told me I did very well at teaching. He said I was patient and I was encouraging.

I guess that makes sense. I mean I got hurt when learning from Mom, too. I guess that there are just risks in teaching tough things to people. I just have to remember that.

After class today, Featherweight and I went to Fluttershy's house to feed the animals. Shooting Star made us a snack and talked with us for a while. Fluttershy was helping Rarity with some dresses, so we have just been chatting with Shooting Star for a while.

Fluttershy just got home. She seemed really tired. She thanked us for feeding the animals and said she doesn't think she would've had the energy to take care of all the animals after trying on dress after dress.

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Writing is jittery. A few tear marks mar the page.

After school, Featherweight and I were downtown, and Diamond Tiara saw us. She, being her usual self, came up and made some stupid remark. I don't remember now. I made some remark back, and she kicked me in the nose.

She said if I didn't watch my mouth, I would end up having teeth like my "abandoned coltfriend." And then it happened: Featherweight actually got angry, like scary angry. He jumped on her and started stomping and kicking her. I yelled to get him to let her go. She was yelling for him to stop. So was I, and finally, Dad was called to the scene during work, and ended up having to break it up.

Dad had to use magic to pull Featherweight off of Diamond Tiara, and had to walk Featherweight home. He told me to go straight home, which I did. I'm waiting for him now.

Dad said I can't see Featherweight without him, Mom, or Miss Cheerilee keeping an eye on him. He said that ponies don't just start attacking other ponies like that. Dad said Featherweight is dangerous, and that "he showed that, today." It wasn't his fault! I explained what happened, and Dad said that even when something like that happens, ponies just don't do that only once.

He said every time he's encountered somepony that violent, he ends up running into them more than once.

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I can't focus on class today. I keep looking at Featherweight. He is unable to look at anypony, and he looks like he's ready to cry right in the middle of class. Diamond Tiara sat as far away from Featherweight as she could. I think he scared her.

I talked to Featherweight all recess. He said he's so mad at himself for losing control. He said that Diamond Tiara rubbed it in before they left, telling him that his parents left him because he was "nothing but trouble." I hate her. I don't hate anypony, but I hate her.

I kept an eye on her all recess, she kept looking over at Featherweight and then avoiding eye contact.

Featherweight kept making these weird faces, I finally realized he was trying to hide his teeth. He told me that everything Diamond Tiara said has really been bothering him. He said he's mad at himself for letting it get to him, for letting her win, but that he just can't ignore it this time for some reason.

After school, I really wanted to follow Featherweight home and cheer him up, but since Dad told me I had to be with somepony if I spent time with him, I just gave him a big hug and walked home. Alone.

I don't have anything to do, today. Sweetie Belle is with Pipsqueak, Apple Bloom is with Ocean Breeze, and I can't just go with either of them alone. I told my friends in class what happened yesterday, they said they were very sorry, and invited me to spend time with them, but I just can't.

Sweetie Belle told me that we and Apple Bloom should spend time, the three of us. She said we should try again on our cutie marks, that maybe that would cheer me up. I just don't feel like it at all, though.

Mom and Dad sat me down and told me that Mom had talked with Dad, and that Featherweight deserves another chance, but that he has to re-earn Dad's trust. We're still not allowed to spend time together without somepony there, but Dad said he was "a bit harsh" with what he said.

A bit? He basically told me that Featherweight, one of the sweetest ponies I know, a pony who has helped me become who I am today. I love Featherweight so much. Dad basically told me that he was bad and shouldn't be trusted. He told me that because of one mistake he made while he was very very upset.

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Page is dotted with tears.

Dad is working today, Mom has to move clouds around all day. I think I'm going to sneak over and spend time with Featherweight. I can't just sit here all day, and I can't be the third pony with my friends. I can't sit here all day, because every day I sit alone, I start to blame myself more and more for what happened. If I hadn't responded to Diamond Tiara, like Featherweight has told me over and over, he wouldn't have gotten upset.

I'm with Featherweight. I didn't tell him what Dad told me. I couldn't. If I did, he would have told me to go home. He wouldn't want me in trouble. He wanted to go downtown with me. I am really nervous and have been looking around the whole time. I hope Dad or Mom doesn't see us. Featherweight asked what was wrong, I lied and told him that I was just looking to see if I could find any of my friends. He said I looked worried. Of course I am.

Featherweight saved me. There was a wagon rolling downhill out of control. I froze when it came by. He knocked me out of the way and got hit. He's in the hospital right now. I had to bring him in. Dad ended up coming to the hospital when he heard what happened. He's very upset with me and told me to go straight home. I'm just sitting here thinking about what happened. This is all my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. I should have just stayed home. I should've told him what was going on and just went back home after telling him I loved him. I should've listened to Dad, but Featherweight was so upset. I couldn't just go away after seeing how upset he was, but look what I did this time! Featherweight is really hurt.

The whole time we were talking, even when he was worried about what was wrong with me, I could tell something was wrong with him. I finally asked him, he said he was so mad at himself for letting Diamond Tiara get to him. he told me that he felt like she was right. He said he feels like he should run away, because he's nothing but a problem for his dad. that's not true at all! His dad loves him so much. I should have just kept my mouth shut the other day. I should've stayed home. Why did I ever do all this to Featherweight? I should've just stayed out of his life.

Dad told me that I should not have been out. He told me that because I did what I wasn't supposed to do, he had to say that I couldn't go visit Featherweight in the hospital today. He told me to go to my room.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop hating Diamond Tiara and myself. I can't stop worrying about Featherweight. I can't just go to sleep and wake up when things are even just a little bit better. Or wake up as somepony else.

Mom got home. She came and told me that I shouldn't have gone behind their backs, but that she would take me to see Featherweight tomorrow. She said that it takes a brave pony to risk getting hurt to save somepony else. She says that she is going to talk with Dad about what happened. She thinks that Featherweight is a good pony who made a mistake, like I was trying to tell them! At least somepony believes me. I hope everything works out.

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Mom said that Dad doesn't see Featherweight as a bad pony, he just is worried about him and me. She told me Dad is considering changing his mind, but that for now, since I lied, he is sticking to what he said.. He said I may be in trouble for a while for going behind his back.

Mom said he told her that ponies don't just do things like he did only once. She told me he's not really worried that he is bad, just that he could be dangerous when he gets upset. She told me Dad feels like if we got in a fight and it got too big, he could do something he would regret. Featherweight would go through Tartarus before he would do anything to me.

Mom told me she was surprised Featherweight agreed to spend time with me since I wasn't supposed to be with him without somepony else there. I told her that I never told him. I was almost crying. Again. She said she hadn't really known me to hide the truth from anypony. I said I don't lie to people I care about, but that I just wanted to spend time with him so much, that I couldn't help it. I didn't think it would hurt anypony. This is all my fault.

We're at the hospital, waiting to see Featherweight. apparently he broke his leg and twisted his wing. He has several other bruises, but he has to stay because of those things. I hate hospitals. I hate them so much.

Featherweight looks like his regular self. except that he's wrapped up and purple in a few places. He said he's pretty sore, but that he was glad he did what he did. I'm not. It should've been me. It should have been me wrapped in that bed, hating every second of being in the hospital. Or worse. This is all my fault.

Featherweight told me to cheer up, that everything that happened has happened and can't be changed. I told him I wasn't even supposed to be there yesterday. He was really upset. He said he shouldn't have been there, that I should have been at home. He told me he didn't want me in trouble.

He didn't want me in trouble?! I'm the reason he got hurt and he didn't want me in trouble? Sometimes he makes me so mad. Why won't he tell me what I'm thinking? Why won't he say I'm a bad pony who lies, who shouldn't be trusted, who puts her friends in danger so she can have what she wants?

I asked him why he won't just admit that I'm not a good pony. He told me to shush. He said that I am "a great pony" and that there's nopony else he would rather have jumped in front of that wagon for. He told me I am becoming the old upset me, but I just can't help it. This is all my fault!

Mom was also quite upset that I said what I said, she told me I was overreacting. Overreacting? I got my coltfriend hurt because I wanted to see him! This is my fault!

I gave him a light hug before we had to leave. I wanted to hug him tight and not let go, but I didn't want to hurt him. Worse. He told me to take really good notes this week, because he wouldn't be able to do it.

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Miss Cheerilee told me I have seemed very serious about school for the past couple of days. I told her I was making sure Featherweight had good notes. She said she was glad I was helping him, and that she wishes I would be this serious all the time.

She told me she's very sorry about what happened to Featherweight, and that she hopes everything goes okay. She made a card that everypony signed, and I was the last one to sign it. I'm glad I was, because I crossed out Diamond Tiara's "serves you right" comment. I stopped the class and told Miss Cheerilee what happened, she was not happy with Diamond Tiara.

At recess Diamond Tiara called me a snitch for saying what she wrote in the card. I told her to leave me alone, and she just kept picking. Miss Cheerilee saw her and sent her inside for recess. Miss Cheerilee came and talked with me, she said I shouldn't just sit under a tree all recess, that I would feel better if I went and spent time with the other ponies. I just don't feel like it. I even told Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle to "go away." I think I hurt Apple Bloom's feelings, but I just don't want to talk to anypony except Featherweight right now.

I'm going straight home and straight to bed. I don't want dinner. I just want to be left alone.

There are several pages, dotted with tears, of drawings of a scrawny pegasus with a gap in his teeth.

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Featherweight got out of the hospital and went straight to visit me. He flew here, since his leg is still wrapped. Mom was home, so I was able to spend time with him. I said in front of both him and Mom that I was very mad at Dad for not letting me go see him more.

He said he wasn't upset with my Dad at all. He said that Dad is just worried about me, and that Dad didn't want me lying to him. Featherweight said that if he had known what was going on, he would've sent me home, too. He didn't tell me it was my fault he was hurt, but that's what I thought when he told me that.

We stayed on the couch and talked for a long time. He hugged me tight and told me to stop blaming myself, that it wasn't my fault.

It's hard to think that when it definitely is my fault. He wouldn't have been there if I hadn't lied to him. It is my fault.

Mom gave us some money and told us to go spend the day together, that she would tell Dad what was going on. We all left, and she flew off into town.

We went to eat at a café, then headed up into the clouds. I just sat on the clouds next to him, leaning on him. I didn't say anything for a long time.

He asked me what was wrong, when I told him the same things I had been saying before, he told me to stop. He said I needed to let go of what happened and move on. He said I was doing so much better, but that ever since everything over the last couple of weeks happened, I've become my old self again.

He clung to me (with his good hoof) the rest of the time we were in the clouds. I cried for a while, but I eventually just rested there with him, trying to calm down. He told me to do what I needed to do to let go of all this anger with myself. The second he said that I wanted to go lock myself in my room and not talk to anypony. I wouldn't be angry if I didn't do anything. Then I wouldn't make any mistakes.

We headed back down to Dad's house, Dad was there. Featherweight sat me on the couch and started pacing around the room. Dad asked what was wrong, and Featherweight started to cry.

Featherweight told my Dad that I had been blaming myself for everything that happened, and that I wouldn't cheer up. He said he felt like what he did to Diamond Tiara had "trapped" me like this.

Both of them sat there and talked with me, they told me that I needed to stop doing this to myself. Dad told me he wasn't going to be mad at me forever. I just let him down by lying..

I made my coltfriend cry, and I let my Dad down. I really am a bad pony.

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Dad said I could visit Featherweight like normal again. He said he feels like I need somepony other than Mom and Dad to help me out. He said the way Featherweight dealt with me yesterday showed that he was worried enough about me, that he felt Featherweight was probably safe enough. Of course he's bucking safe enough.

I spent the whole day with Featherweight. We spent most of the day at the gazebo just laying there, talking. He kept telling me all these nice things he thought about me. He told me that without me, he would still be afraid to talk in class, and that he would probably be a pretty sad colt.

He told me that he wished I could see the filly he sees. He told me that I was very loving, that I was a very loyal friend, and that there's "nopony else in the world" he would want to be with.

I just sat there. I was afraid if I said anything I would start crying again. I'm tired of crying. I'm so tired of crying. My eyes and cheeks and jaw hurt. I finally ended up speaking my mind, and of course, I started. Some sort of tough filly I am.

I told him I wished he would find somepony else, because I was not this amazing pony he kept telling himself, and me, that I was. Then he told me to shut up. Like, he actually said "shut up" to me. He actually looked angry.

He said I needed to get over this, that I was not this terrible pony I kept saying I was. He said I was being ridiculous. He said he understood being upset with mistakes, but that they were just that, mistakes. He told me I needed to look at myself in a mirror and see the "beautiful, sweet, caring" pony that everypony else saw.

I just sat there. I had no idea what to say. Part of me was still surprised he told me to shut up.

He looked upset with me. He said he was "terrified" that I was going to be like this forever. He told me that he didn't want me to be upset like this all the time. He told me he knew what this felt like. He said he hated it, and hated seeing any of his friends, especially me, like this.

He said if I kept acting like this, he'd start treating himself like I treated myself, just to show me what it looked like. I can't have him acting like I do. I just can't. I know what it's like. I hate it.

This was all a mistake.

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The back of the previous page is covered in the words "It's okay." and "I love you." in familiar, but different hoofwriting.

I didn't go to school today. I ran off. I'm just sitting in a bush on the edge of the forest. I couldn't look at anypony today. I just don't want anypony to see me.

Miss Cheerilee apparently told Mom what happened, because Mom found me this morning. She draggedwalked me to school and talked with Miss Cheerilee for a long time.

At recess today, Featherweight came up to me, and asked me why I did what I did. I said I really didn't know. I just didn't want to see anypony. He sat beside me and cuddled up. He told me to relax.

He changed seats and sat beside me after recess. He scooted his desk right next to mine and kept writing "It's okay," on my diary. He got in trouble once, but Miss Cheerilee turned back around and let him continue.

After class Miss Cheerilee pulled me aside, Featherweight stayed and waited. Miss Cheerilee asked me if I was okay. Every time I said I was fine, she told me I needed to be honest, because Mom, Dad, she, and Featherweight are all worried. I bet Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle are, too. I hate worrying everypony, but I just can't stop feeling like this! Do they all think I like this?

I finally told her I am just really upset with myself for getting Featherweight hurt, and for getting him in trouble. She told me the same thing Featherweight told me. She said that "everything that happened was just a mistake," and that I needed to stop treating myself like a rotten apple.

Featherweight came and talked with Miss Cheerilee and me. He told her that he'd been telling me the same things, and they both tried to cheer me up. I guess I smiled at some point, because Featherweight said he had never been happier to see somepony smile.

Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm taking this way too far. it was just a mistake.

Just another mistake.

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Featherweight and I are spending the day with Sweetie Belle, Pipsqueak, Apple Bloom, and Ocean Breeze. Featherweight was the one who got everypony together. He told me he had an idea.

We all spent the day at the clubhouse talking. Featherweight stood up after a little while and asked everypony what they thought of me. He said it was easy to tell that I was still upset, and that he felt like hearing some nice words from my friends may help me out.

Everypony kept telling me how 'great' I was. They all told me that they wouldn't be the same without me as their friend. I wasn't sure if it was for good or not, that they would be different.

Finally Featherweight came up and told me to stop ignoring everypony and to listen. He actually kind of shook me. Everypony told me that they wanted to see me happy again. Sweetie Belle told me that she had been worried about me a lot lately. She said she was upset that I didn't want to spend time with her or anypony else.

Apple Bloom said she was really sad that the pony who stood up for her, back before I even knew her, was treating herself like this. She told me she looked up to me, because I used to be so confident at recess. Whenever anypony would pick on us, I was the one who would stand up to them. She told me that she was very unhappy I was like this.

Everypony must be right. It's not just one or two ponies. Maybe I am just overreacting. It was just a mistake, right? Featherweight gave me a hug and said that he forgives me, if that's what I need. He said he was never upset with me in the first place, but that he knows sometimes when he messes up, he wishes the other person would forgive him, so he figured it was worth a try.

I did feel better. I felt a lot better, really. After everypony sat with me and told me they liked it when I was happy, I felt even better. I like being happy, too. I just don't always feel happy. I sometimes don't even feel like feeling happy. I'll try to treat myself better. I'll try, at least.

This afternoon was much better. Featherweight got me to try and fly for a bit. We ended up chasing each other around in the air while our friends watched. Featherweight is such a great pony. I really am glad he loves me enough to stick with me when I'm acting like I was. He told me if he can get hit by a wagon for me, he can definitely be there for me when I'm sad. Very funny.

I told him now probably wasn't the best time for that joke. But I did laugh. He told me that now was the perfect time for that joke, and gave me a big hug.

The rest of the evening the six of us stayed in the clubhouse planning Apple Bloom's, Sweetie Belle's. and my next thing to try to get our cutie marks. We're going to try dodge ball. It's a fun game, and at worst someone gets bonked with a ball, right?

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